"He's torn between his honor and the true love of his life. He prayed for both but was denied."

At the moment I'm listening to "Hands of Sorrow - Within Temptation".
And I really thought that my life couldn't get any worse. I was in a pretty bad car accident today. I'm fine and so was my passenger, but my car is not. I was entering a roundabout turning right when this fucking cunt on my right hand side flew through the roundabout when he was clearly supposed to stop and crashed into my car. Unfortunate as it is, the police came to the scene of the accident and ruled out that It was my fault. Even though when I entered the roundabout it was obviously clear of cars and the car who smashed into me, the driver being 19 years old, did not even have P plates on the car. But, the cop stands his ground when he says it was my fault.

This puts a lot of pressure on my family now as I had to pay for his car to be fixed through my insurance PLUS pay for the damage that happened to my car. And since my mum and I are practically living in poverty at the moment, and with me not currently earning an income, it is going to be very difficult.

I wish I had died in the accident. I really wish I did. BUT, since I didn't, I am going to cut my body up with a sharp razor until I can't feel anything anymore. I have finally given in to the thing I hate most: Self harm.

I am currently quite drunk and have my razor in my hand at the moment. This isn't the way I planned on ending my year, but I guess life can be unpredictable.

Fuck, I really wish I was dead!

"No matter gay, straight or bi, lesbian, transgendered life. I'm on the right track, baby, I was born to survive. No matter black, white or beige, chola or orient made. I'm on the right track, baby, I was born to be brave."

At the moment I'm listening to "Born this way - Lady Gaga".
This week has been pretty dull. Nothing really exciting happened. Christmas happened and that wasn't too bad. Wasn't really fun though, spent most of my day in the car. Mum bursted out into tears again today telling me that we are almost broke and she might be losing her job to find a better paying one.
Life fucking sucks sometimes.

I've been really feeling like cutting lately. But I haven't! Which is good.

I've also been a bit anti-social. I really don't want to see people or friends or anything at the moment because I really don't have any energy. I just want to sleep all day. And smoke.

Hopefully new years eve in the City will be good :)

I'll smile for that!

Hope you're well!

"So am I still waiting for this world to stop hating? Can't find a good reason, can't find hope to believe in."

At the moment I'm listening to "Still Waiting - Sum 41".

This week has been a little bit up and down for me. I'm very worried about money issues. Hopefully I will find a job and earn enough to help support my mum. She really is struggling :(

I can only hope for things to be different, for things to be better. Hoping just isn't enough. I need to start trying harder!

Smile for me and i'll smile for you! :D

Also, I don't like Christmas.

"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take. When people run in circles its a very, very mad world."

At the moment I'm listening to "Mad World - Gary Jules".
I've had a pretty good weekend considering my shit day on Friday. The thoughts of my ex with someone else is still kind of stuck in my head, but now I'm starting to realise that I really don't care. I really, in fast, could not give a fuck.

So anyways, enough about pathetic pieces of shit. My weekend was fantastic! I caught up with one of my gay mates (Strickly a mate) that I hardly ever see and we just hung out, watched movies, visited some other mates of mine, ate Ice-cream as we watched planes fly over us, went to the park and most of all, had a laugh. The bad news however, is I have had a crush on him for over a year now (I met him in september last year and have liked him ever since). I came very close last night to telling him how I feel. I just couldn't bring myself to it, especially because I'm certain he doesn't feel the same way about me. Oh well, the mysteries of life tend to always entertain me.

Looking forward to the upcoming week because I am really determined to start going to the gym constantly again. I say this now, but it never seems to work out. Hopefully it will. I've decided to start a little schedual type thingy on my phone for my day. Tomorrow consists of cleaning my car, going to gym and searching for more jobs. Let's hope I can complete my list. It is the ONLY way I will sleep tomorrow night without a guilty conscience.!

:D

"You know you can't give me what I need, and even though you mean so much to me, I can wait through everything. Is this really happening? I swear I'll never be happy again, and don't you dare say we can just be friends, I'm not some boy that you can sway. We knew it'd happen eventually."

At the moment I'm listening to "If it means a lot to you - A Day To Remember".
Today is the day I have completely and sucessfully finished my high school life. Today I recieved my ATAR score of 65.55! And even though this number doesn't sound like a lot, to me, It means the world. I am so proud of myself for getting through VCE and coming out the other side with a decent enough result to get into the course the I really want. Hopefully I get accepted!

On a more sadder note. I just did one of the stupidest things and I regret it entirely! :(
I just 'Facebook Stalked' one of my exs to see how he went with his VCE results.... and instead of finding what I wanted to see, I found his new boyfriend. I really don't know why this effected me the way it did. I don't still have feelings for him, we broke up about 4-5 months ago, he was NOT the best boyfriend in the world, but for some reason it just fucking hit me. And it fucking hit hard.

It actually hit me so hard that I feel like I want to start cutting again. But that is RIDICULOUS! I can't keep cutting to keep the pain away! And I don't have any smokes, so I can't relieve my stress! :(
I need a distraction, and fast! I don't want to do anything I will regret! But I know too well that when I'm in this certain state of mind, there is no controling what my mind trys to do over my body.
Somebody save me.
Distract me.
I can do this.
I can fight it.
The more I think about it, the worse it gets.
Fucking stop thinking, Jordan!
STOP THINKING!
I need a smoke.
Don't cut.
Don't cut.
Don't cut.
Please, Distract me.

:'(

"Can't you help me as I'm startin' to burn. Too many doses and I'm starting to get an attraction. My confidence is leaving me on my own. No one can save me and you know I don't want the attention."

At the moment I'm listening to "Bat Country - Avenged Sevenfold".
This week has been pretty boring. I haven't really done anything. My week consisted of me trying to lose weight by sitting on my arse and eating, and attempting to find a job..... By sleeping. :/

I really need to lose weight and find a job. I currently have $1.38 in my account.
On the plus side of my week, however, I have decided to cut back my smoking (4 a day) and so far it's working and I've stuck to it.

My VCE results come in on friday. A little bit nervous, but moreso oblivious.

Anyways, happy reading! (:

"I'll be there when the world stops turning. I'll be there when the storm is through. In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you."

At the moment I'm listening to "At the Beginning - Richard Marx and Donna Lewis".
I'm feeling SOOOO fat recently! It's making me really sad! Sadder than I have been in a couple of months! :( I just am lacking so much motivation to go, even though I just changed gyms to go to a 24/7 gym! I must start going otherwise I'm going to feel so terrible about my body! :(

In other news: Today I almost died!! I was sitting in traffic with a car behind me in a 40km/h zone and out of nowhere this car ramed the car behind me. He looked like he was trying to slow down and swerved at the last minute to try and miss the car but he still managed to hit it. It was scary even for me who was just one car in front! I need to become a sagfer driver! :(

I really do have a lot of goals I need to fulfil, SO:

New years Resolution:

• Lose as much weight as possible.
• Become a better and safer driver.
• Eat less.
• Smile more.
• Save money.
• Cut down smoking.

Let's see if I can last..... I really hope so! :)

Anyways, here is some short poetry I found just before. I wrote it quite some years ago and managed to find it in a box in my room about an hour ago! haha, enjoy!

These thoughts will kill you - Jordan Hinton

It is the thoughts that fuel your nightmares,

For that time to say goodbye.

But once you stop and realise,
You'll find that you can fly.

It doesn't just take hope,

To make your dreams come true.

But if you add a little patience,
Your dreams will come to you.

If you fell down,
And can't rise high,
Bring the world to you,
And you'll live, not die.

If these thoughts come again,

And you have no where to hide.
You will live forever,
And their access will be denied!

"A fire burns today of blasphemy and genocide. The sirens of decay will infiltrate the faith fanatics."

At the moment I'm listening to "East Jesus Nowhere - Greenday".
I am having the weirdest day! I have had 19 hours sleep, from 1am to 8pm, today and am currently still in a weird trance-like state. This 'state' that I'm in is making me believe that nothing around me is real. I seriously feel like time does not exsist and I am struggling to determine whether or not I am in a dream or not.

Everything is moving a little slower and I have the flu really badly, but everytime I go to touch my skin, I cannot feel a thing. I also have a numb tounge. Is this a normal feeling for someone who has over slept?

...weird.

Hope you're all well. :)

"Take the honest side. A gentleman would call it slanderous. It takes a man to cry, but I just put a brick through every bird's nest."

At the moment I'm listening to "Less bright eyes, More decide - A Wilhelm Scream".
Wow, what a week! I thought graduation was amazing, but Schoolies just had to top that! Me and all of my good mates went to a caravan park near the beach, it was heaven! We drank, laughed, swam and enjoyed the company and the sun. I just got back today and am absolutely buggered! Going to bed as soon as this post is over!

On another topic, I have mentioned in the last couple of previous posts that I had met this guy and we went on a couple of dates. Well, as I got to know him better I realised that he is a very shy person. He told me that he has been abused in his childhood, so much so that it is still affecting him 7 years later. I feel nothing but deep sympathy towards him when he told me his life story. I really do feel sorry for him, SO what I made him do is start his own blog. He will post his thoughts on it regularly and learn that his life will only get better. I have also given him the confidence to start finding new friends as he currently doesn't have many whom he can trust and hang out with on a regular basis.

Him and I are agreeing to just be mates and I intend to be a great mate to him and show him that life can indeed be a lovely thing!! I hope he does get better! I really do.

"Baby, you light up my world like nobody else. The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed. But you when smile at the ground it aint hard to tell, you don't know, you don't know you're beautiful."

At the moment I'm listening to "What makes you Beautiful - One Direction".I'm a little bit excited at the moment. I have schoolies on Friday! I really cannot wait. SO excited, even though I really don't think it will be much fun since some people that I'm going with I'm not really fond of, But still, it's SCHOOLIES!

I also have another date tomorrow at my place with the same guy as last time. The thing is though, I'm not really sure If i truely like him or not. I just don't have the heart to tell him that I don't because he really is a lovely guy. GAHH!

I'm ALSO loving my new computer my family got me for my graduation (which was REALLY fun and relieving). It's fast and has lots of space which is damn excellent!

Looking back over my blog since I first started it, I have changed as a person significantly. I am slowly getting to be a better person, both physically and mentally....... more so mentally. I'm still a fat bastard ;)

Some of my mates are going through a really tough time at the moment. I really hope everything works out for the best for them. I love them all and only wish them to be happy and passionate. I just wish there is more things I can do for them to help them in a realistic mannar rather than just posting my thoughts on a blog. I really do! :(

"And just outside I can hear the sound of the early morning street becoming way too loud. Yeah, the hum of the engines in the cars on the street, yeah on the street. And with this cigarette that I just lit, as I passed the 53rd Street bridge. Right now the world just seems too big, the world just seems to big. Sit down, remind me how this is the same old story of growing up and getting lost."

At the moment I'm listening to "Help save the youth of America from exploding - Less Than Jake".
Have you ever had that feeling where you are not really sure whether you like someone or not? Like them enough to keep on dating them??

I went on a date last night with this REALLY cute guy. He was very lovely and everything that anyone could ask for, I'm just not sure if he is the right guy for me. We don't have many of the same interests and he isn't out. I know I would find it complicated to have a relationship with someone If they weren't open about their sexuality. Not that I'm saying this guy and me are in a relationship, I'm just stating my general views.

And another thing, I really don't want to be in a relationship right now. I want to wait until I have settled down into my adult life (University, Job etc).

I'm enjoying being single, but I also don't have the heart to tell this guy I would only like to be friends.

GAHH! :S

"Weep for yourself, my man, You'll never be what is in your heart. Weep Little Lion Man, You're not as brave as you were at the start. Rate yourself and rake yourself, Take all the courage you have left. Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. But it was not your fault but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time. Didn't I, my dear?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons".
I never knew this day would come. The day I finished year 12. SO FUCKING EXCITING TO KNOW THAT I HAVE OFFICIALLY FINISHED MY LAST EXAM TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is excellent news. But, in more sadening news, I have a date on wednesday night. I don't really want a relationship, at the moment, I really don't. I would like to wait until university for that to happen. And I am also feeling VERY uncompfortable about my weight at the moment. I've put on SOO much recently and it's making me a bit sad.

I also really need to find a job, and fast! I'm ridiculously finacially fucked. Petrol, smokes, drinks, presents, food and anything else that i need to buy is just SO hard to get a hold of now days. :(

Let's hope, now that school is over, that I can find myself a stable and well-paying job, that I can lose a lot of weight and look good for the summer and to enjoy the time I have off before, and if, I get into my Bachelor of Arts (Psychology) course at University.

Ahhhhhh life.

"I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose. Fire away, fire away. Ricochet, you take your aim. Fire away, fire away. You shoot me down, but I won't fall. I am titanium".

At the moment I'm listening to "Titanium - David Guetta ft. Sia".

This week and a half has been pretty good. All of my important exams are over, and I only have two more to go. I'm looking forward to freedom. I can almost taste it.

I've also recently discovered an artist I found on YouTube. He is BEYOND amazingly talented. Check him out:

Reow ;)

Hope you're well!

"Don't you believe everything you hear, darling focus on the prize."

At the moment I'm listening to "47 - A New Found Glory".
Okay, so I am VERY disappointed in myself. I have continued to smoke again. I hate it, but I can't stop. I lasted 4 days without smoking....

I guess things could be worse though. Even though I keep reminding myself of all the goals I need to achieve to be completely happy (Losing weight, quitting smoking, becoming fit and even looking good naked) but I really need to focus on more important things.... Like my next four days of overwhelming exams.

Yay!! -.-

"But at the right place at the right time, I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine. And I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit, for anyone but me. And at the right place at the right time, it will have been worth it to stand in line. And you won't have to stop saying "I love cops" for anyone but me, Your private eye."

At the moment I'm listening to "Private eye - Alkaline Trio".
This is Day 2 without smoking. FUCKING HELL I'M DYING!!!!
I even went outside with my mum before when she was smoking, I held a smoke in my hand and pretended to smoke even though it wasn't lit. It was suprisingly helpful!

I really don't think i will last the night. But, let's face the reality. People who have quit smoking RARELY quit straight away. They need to quit in small doses...

So, if I happen to give into my urges, I will develop a new plan of not buying my own cigarettes until schoolies. I will only smoke when I'm REALLLYYY stressed. That is all.

On the plus side I'm feeling a bit healthier. But on the down side, I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing else I can do that will make me go well in my maths exam.

Agh dilemmas!!

"Don't wanna think about it, I indulge myself. Distraction eases pain, bury my emotions to protect myself. Till I can't feel a fucking thing. I've dared to dream, I've tried to live but I've played it safe again. Just another slave to my vices now. Bring out your dead."

At the moment I'm listening to "Bring out your dead - Strung Out".
I've had a pretty fun week. Halloween parties, mates, drinking, laughing and smoking.... Ahh smoking, I thought you once helped me. But you are in fact killing me.

Tonight I had my last smoke until schoolies (Because I know I'll smoke at schoolies), which is exactly in one month. I promise you, I will become healthy. I want to feel what it is like to breathe again.

Bring on new lungs. Believe in me, because I can do it!

6 exams to go. Hopefully I do well!

"Saw her coming, what a scene, what I mean is she's got that sex coffee beam, but she tastes like vanilla. Well alright, she ignites when we hit the floor, like the vroom on a V8 super commodore."

At the moment I'm listening to "Sly - The Cat Empire".

What an amazing week! I cannot believe I have actually made it to the end. It has been a long year, but I made it. I went really well on my music performace exam and at the moment, I need to study my arse off for the next 6 exams I am yet to complete.

The last day of school was swell! I'm going to miss some of my mates, and even the schooling structure so dearly! Some of my mates I will DEFINATELY not miss.... because I will be with them for the rest of my life. :)

Graduation is coming up soon. Right after exams. I need to get a good looking body for that, and for schoolies! I'm rather excited (: But before I get too excited so soon, I need to focus on school and losing weight! :)

I was also SOOOOOOO HAPPPPPPPYYYYYYY when my sister got engaged a couple of days ago! Best news in the world! I plan to write her and her boyfriend a beautiful song for there engagement present! Wish me luck!

Hope you're well. Here are some gay photos. ;)

"And I don't wanna live that way, Reading into every word you say. You said that you could let it go, And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know."

At the moment I'm listening to "Somebody that I used to know - Gotye".
I am currently running on zero hours of sleep within 2 days. I have drunk a ridiculous amount of coffee and was pretty high from the caffeine today. Right now, when I'm lying in my bed, however, I am EXHAUSTED!!

Still feeling happy though! A lot more happier than I was yesterday! Which is good. I hope it stays like this.

Looking forward to a relaxing weekend in the sun and sleeping! 2 more days of school to go. AND I have my music performance exam on Sunday!

Wish me luck. (:

"You know you know you know I never ask you to change, if perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same".

At the moment I'm listening to "Just the way you are (Cover) - Pierce the Vail".
I'm feeling a little bit down today! I'm trying my hardest to stay as happy as I can. I really am trying, but this pressure of school is getting to me. I'm finding it difficult to concerntrate.... And even find it hard to go to school!

3 days left. Someone find me some motovation! I need help!

FAAARK!

"Drivers are rude, Such attitudes. But when I show my peace, Complaints cease. Something's odd, I feel like I'm god. You stupid, dumbshit, goddamn motherfucker!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Bad Habbit - The Offspring".
This song is hilarious! It's about having road rage and being overly agressive when drivers on the road are giving you the shits!

Had a, once again, good week! I've been feeling happy for about 2 weeks! Hope nothing changes! It looks like my Anti-Anxiety and Anti-Depressant pill increase has helped me a lot. This is FANTASTIC news!

I've been motivated to go to the gym, which is great for me! I haven't lost any weight yet, but I feel a bit better! I'm going quite often and plan to keep doing so. I still smoke though :( I really want to quit, but it's hard. However, I am planning to dramatically cut down my daily smoking soon because I have my music performace exam coming up and It helps my voice if i don't smoke.

This is me at my last performance a couple of night ago:

I love performing in front of an audience. I really love it. I can be whoever I want to be with a guitar in my hands and with a microphone catching my every breath.

To me, there is no better feeling in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

Only 39 more hours of school left, EVER! GET EXCITED!

"....but proud I stand, of who I am, I plan to go on living."

At the moment I'm listening to "Make it stop (September's Children) - Rise Against".

This song has SUCH an impact on me, every single time I listen to it! It makes me glad that I'll be alive to see tomorrow.

I've had a pretty happy week I must say. Not feeling down AT ALL. I hope I stay like this for as long as possible. Tomorrow I start my last ever term of school. Only 10 more days to go. Stoked.

I just finished doing some study, outside in my backyard smoking. For some reason, It made me feel really mature.... Don't know why!? haha.

I really cannot wait to get my life even more on track. After school is done, I AM going to think more clearly about my life, start saving money, losing weight and enjoying my adolescence.

Bring on living!

"Be always proud of what you see in the mirror, because who you see in the mirror is just yourself. NEVER be afraid to be yourself!"

To all my readers, I would love it if everyone saw this!

"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up."

At the moment I'm listening to "In this Diary - The Ataris".
Feeling a bit of a good vibe coming along. I'm really craving:

• A BBQ
• Mates
• Alcohol
• Laughing
• Smiling
• A Good Time (Trouble Free)
• Summer (Even though I REALLY love Winter!)

I was going to organise a date for my mates to come over and have a BBQ and Booze night, but one of my mates already beat me too it! So, on Thursday, I shall be fulfilling my cravings!

Everyone should check out this song:

In This Diary - The Ataris:

Here in this diary,
I write you visions of my summer.
It was the best I ever had.
There were choruses and sing-alongs,
and that unspoken feeling
of knowing that right now is all that matters.

All the nights we stayed up talking
listening to 80's songs;
and quoting lines from all those movies that we love.
It still brings a smile to my face.
I guess when it comes down to it...

[Chorus]
Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

Breaking into hotel swimming pools,
and wreaking havoc on our world.
Hanging out at truck stops just to pass the time.
The black top's singing me to sleep.

Lighting fireworks in parking lots,
illuminate the blackest nights.
Cherry cokes under this moonlit summer sky.
2015 Riverside, it's time to say, "goodbye."
Get on the bus, it's time to go.

[Chorus]

Get it right [x2]

[Chorus x2]
<3

"Quietly and gracefully, you move around the weight of the evidence. Forever side stepping your own shadow and knowing only what you wanna know."

At the moment, I'm listening to "Back to you - Something for Kate".

Not feeling at all good today.

Feeling deeply depressed.

Slightly suicidal, but not enough to die.

I've cut.

Smoked.

Sniffed.

And here comes the lovely pills.

Going to bed.

Goodnight.

"I'll be there watching from way up high, the shadow you cant see when the suns in the sky. Wondering eyes have no disguise, it's obvious that this love never dies. Never dies..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Guardian Angel - Abandon All Ships".
Like always, I have been very up and down all week. School is finally over and I'm on holidays, but it doesn't really seem like a holiday. All i've done so far is school work and spend money.
I know I'm young and shouldn't be worrying about money, but I really am. I'm so ridiculously broke at the moment, have no money for petrol, or ciggarettes, or food, or anything.

On the plus side though, I really love the connection I have between my two best friends! They are amazing girls, have practically the same issues as me, but together, we are a team. When one of us is sad, we all are. But when we are all happy, It is heaven! I love them regardless, I'll never leave them! <3

One of them told me this saying today! I really like it:

"Razors pain you, Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp;
Guns aren't lawful, Nooses give;
Gas smells awful, You might as well live!"

"Hey little girl don't look so sad, it’s not the end of the world. I've seen this film before, already know the ending. Some of the faces change but the plot, it stays the same. Take my hand, lets walk away."

At the moment I'm listening to "Big Eyes - The Bouncing Souls".
Feeling a little bit better than yesterday, but not by much. I still feel slightly numb, but I can also feel like it's going to get better.

I'm currently in the middle of organising a movie night for me and a good mate that I hardly ever see because he lives SOOOOO fucking far away!

So that should be really fun, looking forward to taking my mind off things :)

"And I'm as scared as anybody who has done this, I wouldn't give it up for nothing free. You took my life, turned it around and put my feet back on the ground. I owe you, eternally."

At the moment I'm listening to "For Fiona - No Use for a Name".
I'm feeling so completely exhausted. Not only did my friend overdose on extremely powerful drugs and slit her arms open with a razor, but I have also been going through a tremendous amount of psychological pain. I confessed something to my mum last night. Something that I have been keeping from her for over 10 years. I finally gathered up the courage to tell her that I was sexually molestered as a child by one of my distant cousins. I was about 9 and my female cousin, Jacinta, was a couple of years older than me.

Still to this day I remember everything! Every little detail that happened that day. I remember her telling me to un-button my school shirt and pull my pants down. I remember the green and brown square bathroom tiles facing me as I took my clothes off. I remember the dark red (almost brown) lounge chair she said on naked in front of me as I knelt down in front of her and she spred her legs.

My mum was shocked at this news, as I'm sure you can imagine.

This week, I have also had a bit of a HIV scare. But I will be getting tested soon. I really doubt that I have it.

The strangest part is though, I have been in an awfully strange mood lately. Normally, someone should be feeling some sort of sadness when hearing this and experiencing this! But I don't. I feel strangely happy, energetic and am smiling!
Deep down inside of me though, I am really not coping well! On the outside, this is just an unusual and unstoppable way of coping.

Fuck.

"Use me as your will, pull my strings just for a thrill. And I know I'll be okay, though my sky's are turning grey! I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever. I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Your guardian angel - Red jumpsuit apparatus".
This is post number 69.... Heheh, immaturity for the win.

That up there ^ is probably the happiest thing I've said in days!
I took 12 pills the other day, in one go. It went well with my cut up arm. It's disgustingly beautiful. Some people just really know how to push my boundaries and scare the fuck out of me!

It's mums birthday today, and even though I'm still upset and angry, I'm trying my hardest to put a smile on my face.

"Five thousand feet below, As black smoke engulfs the sky, The ocean floor explodes, Eleven mothers cry. My bones all resonate, A burning lullaby, You can't take that from me, Just go ahead and try."

At the moment I'm listening to "Help is on the way - Rise Against".
I just had a really good night!
I went out with mates that I don't get to see very often and they took me to their school production!
IT WAS HILARIOUS! hahahahaha, fun night! :)

Hope you're well. :P

"When the sun shines, we'll shine together. Told you I'll be here forever. Said I'll always be a friend. Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end. Now that it's raining more than ever, know that we'll still have each other. You can stand under my umbrella. You can stand under my umbrella."

At the moment I'm listening to "Umbrella (cover) - All Time Low".
Suprisingly I was having a really good day! I was feeling happy and energetic. I was having fun. But then I got home.

I got home and for some unknown reason and completely without cause, I changed my mood dramatically. I was in such a shit mood!! And then my dad came over for dinner. It is REALLY odd for my mum who has been hurt numerous amounts of time by my dad to be friends with him. Does she ever learn?!

So anyways, my dad is a real asshole. Well, he was. Not so much anymore, but for some reason, I still have this hatred towards him.

Might be a story for another time. But long story short, my day has turned to shit for some unknown reason. Once again. Yay!

I'm such a whining little bitch. Suicide would probably be better than writing about how much my life sucks. And the sad thing is, I don't even know if I'm joking anymore. I know I've considered it a lot in the past and recently... But I wonder if I could even actually do it? Hmm....

Let's see how things go.

(haha, but let's face it. It is very doubtful that people read my blog anyways)
Oh well.

"You dropped the note and we changed key, you changed yourself and i changed me. I really didn't see us singing through this. Then you screamed the bridge, and i cried the verse, and our chorus came out unrehearsed. And you smiled the whole way through it, I guess maybe that's what's worse."

At the moment I'm listening to "If You Wanted A Song Written About You, All You Had To Do Was Ask - Mayday Parade".

I want to have a better looking body. I want to be attractive in ways that make boyfriends stick with me. I want to stop doing things that harm me and others. But I can't. I've got nothing else to do with my life.

I do these things as a substitution methods. A self destructive one.

Suicide is a bit too far. But one can only dream.

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.

Hopefully I'm not taking that saying seriously. But I have a feeling that today it is only words. Tomorrow might be reality.

You just don't know.

"Too much blood has flown from the wrists of the children shamed for those they chose to kiss".

At the moment I'm listening to "Make It Stop (September's Children) - Rise against".
This is a beautiful song and it expresses through it's lyrics the importance of an accepting society. Otherwise, something so stupid and ignorant like homophobia and bullying in general can cause a life to end. The world can be fucking cruel sometimes!

Anyways, I've got 3 weeks until the end of the term. School is almost over and freedom is in sight, just a short distance away!

As for my social life, one word can only describe it: headache.

I've got a headache in the both physical and metaphorical sense at the moment. Metaphorical sense meaning: I feel like there is something in my head causing a blockage of some sort that is making me not think straight! (no pun intended).

I think everyone (well, the people who read my blog) should definitely read or listen to this song:

Make it stop (September's Children) - Rise Against:

Bang bang go the coffin nails, like a breath exhaled,
Been gone forever.
It seems like just yesterday, how did I miss the red flags raised?
Think back to the days we laughed.
We braved these bitter storms together.
Brought to his knees he cried,
But on his feet he died.

What God would damn a heart?
And what God drove us apart?

What God could make it stop?
Let this end.
Eighteen years pushed to the ledge.
It's come to this,
A weightless step.
On the way down singing,
Woah, woah.

Bang bang from the closet walls,
The schoolhouse halls,
The shotgun's loaded.
Push me and I'll push back.
I'm done asking, I demand.

From a nation under God,
I feel its love like a cattle prod.
Born free, but still they hate.
Born me, no I can't change.

It's always darkest just before the dawn.
So stay awake with me, let's prove them wrong.

Make it stop.
Let this end,
Eighteen years pushed to the ledge.
It's come to this,
A weightless step.
On the way down singing,
Woah, woah.

The cold river washed him away,
But how could we forget?
The gatherings saw candles, but not their tongues.

And too much blood has flown from the wrists,
Of the children shamed for those they chose to kiss.
Who will rise to stop the blood?

We're calling for,
Insisting on, a different beat, yeah.
A brand new song.

Whoa, whoa [x3]
(Tyler Clementi, age 18.
Billy Lucas, age 15.
Harrison Chase Brown, age 15
Cody J. Barker, age 17
Seth Walsh, age 13.)

Make it stop,
Let this end.
This life chose me, I'm not lost in sin.
But proud I stand of who I am,
I plan to go on living.

Make it stop,
let this end,
all these years pushed to the ledge,
but proud I stand, of who I am,
I plan to go on living.

"Feels like you're coming apart and you've entertained the thought that you're out of things to say. And you haven't even started, you haven't even started."

At the moment I'm listening to "The light at the end of the tunnel - Something For Kate".

Feeling more or less indecisive and confused. I have had a good weekend, but I'm not really sure whether i mean that or not? Fuck, I don't know what to do. Only time can tell :)

I also took up smoking again, but ONLY for the weekends. I don't smoke during the week anymore. I'm slowing getting this addiction away from me.

Time.

"Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens, a thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins. I will never ask if you don't ever tell me, I know you well enough to know you never loved me."

At the moment I'm listening to "Cute without the E - Taking Back Sunday".
This day has been ridiculously hard for me. My ex told me that he doesn't want to remain friends last night, which is COMPLETELY fair enough. I understand that! So, anyways, today was the second day I have gone without one simple minute of sleep, and completely not by choice. So much is racing across my mind. Today I also decided to do a very stupid thing. My friend wanted me to write a letter so I began to put words together, until I realised very quickly that this letter turned into a suicide note. I finished it off and STUPIDLY gave it to my friend. Everything I wrote in that letter was true for the time. I did feel like killing myself today and would have gladly gone through with it if I could. But now I can't for the moment, because my mum found out that I went to see the school councillor today (Who, by the way is absolutely retarded! She diagnoses me with Bi-Polar upon listening to me talk for 15 minutes. Some people just shouldn't be allowed in schools.). So, now mum is worried about me, and of course I don't blame her, but because of her fragile state she's in at the moment, I really wish she hadn't found out.

Let's see what tomorrow brings, hopefully it is better. But there is a great chance that it won't be. There is also a small chance that tomorrow may never arrive, but that probability is highly unlikely....however, not impossible.

Weekly update of the:

List of things I need to do in the near future:

• Only buy a packet of smokes when I can afford it. (I've quit smoking).
• Only smoke on the weekends excluding when I'm feeling MAJORLY depressed.
• STOP smoking in my car. It's starting to smell bad and I'm really starting to not like it.
• Deactivate facebook every time I have a couple of SAC's coming up.
• Focus and really try hard with my schooling. (Trying my hardest).
• Go to the gym as often as possible. (Trying to).
• Cut back on eating big meals every night. (Happening).
• Put in an extreme effort for the subjects I'm not doing so well in (Literature). (Not going so well with).
• Put my relationship and friendships AFTER my studies. (I'm single now).
• Don't be so attached to my boyfriend, if he said "Lets wait", he means it.
• Stay positive. (Trying).
• Smile. (Trying).
• Laugh. (Sometimes).
• Focus. (Sometimes, but really trying).

"Are you locked up in a world that's been planned out for you? Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?"

At the moment I'm listening to "She - Greenday".
Wow, what a week! So, firstly lets start simple and say me and my boyfriend broke up. Well, I broke up with him 2 nights ago on Saturday! He never replied to the break up messages so tonight I went to visit him and we talked. I gave him back his t-shirt and the lighter he gave me for my birthday! We ended on good terms! We both understood that there was timing issues and it would have been hard to cope! So I'm really glad we ended well, so now i can move on and focus without being stressed and frustrated all the time! Hopefully we will remain friends, but it is doubtful! It's time for change, because the future is fast approaching and I want to enter it with a clear mind and a clear attitude!

I quit smoking! Saving my lungs for deep and meaningful kisses!

<3 bring on my new life to come!

"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting. Could it be that we have been this way before? I know you don't think that I am trying. I know you're wearing thin down to the core."

At the moment I'm listening to "Fall for you - Secondhand Serenade".
Good night last night! It was fun catching up with my mates and getting my mind off things! At the moment I'm supposed to be in the city with my "boyfriend" but of course he cancelled on me. We are supposed to catch up tomorrow but if he cancels on me again, I'm moving on. I know this sounds petty, but if you knew the heartache I'm feeling, you would agree!

Anyways, I'm actually having a really lovely day with a mate, just lazing around at home. Life is good! Feeling surprisingly fine! <3

"And I lie awake at night just hoping to make you shiver. I'll be your disaster, forever and after, so cry me a fucking river."

At the moment I'm listening to "We dance to a different disco, honey - Short Stack".
I don't really like Short Stack.... But this is the only song of theirs that I can tolerate.
I need to start organising my life. I need to make some sort of plan. So here i go:

List of things I need to do in the near future:

• Only buy a packet of smokes when I can afford it.
• Only smoke on the weekends excluding when I'm feeling MAJORLY depressed.
• STOP smoking in my car. It's starting to smell bad and I'm really starting to not like it.
• Deactivate facebook every time I have a couple of SAC's coming up.
• Focus and really try hard with my schooling.
• Go to the gym as often as possible.
• Cut back on eating big meals every night.
• Put in an extreme effort for the subjects I'm not doing so well in (Literature).
• Put my relationship and friendships AFTER my studies.
• Don't be so attached to my boyfriend, if he said "Lets wait", he means it.
• Stay positive.
• Smile.
• Laugh.
• Focus.

These are the first steps towards a better life for me. I just need to stick to it. Once a week I will post about progress and see how far I've come. Wish me luck :)

"The night is perfect. Take out your blades, get out your guns. We'll drink our poison, then wait and see what we become."

At the moment I'm listening to "What we become - Kisschasy".

To the right (-->) there is a lovely little fact for today. Whether it be true or not, it makes me smile.

Okay, I just got off the phone with my boyfriend about an hour ago. He made his decision of 'postponing' our relationship until the end of school this year (which is in about 8 weeks). I realise that he is completely right in putting his studies before a relationship. It's the right thing to do. So, I'm happy about this, i can deal with this. Hopefully it won't be so hard. I know he loves me, I love him too and i think that after school is finished, it will be heaven. I'm seeing him on Saturday for probably the last time in a while just to talk things over one last time in person.

But in sum, the relationship is still going, I just need to be a bit more resistant when contacting him because he needs to study, and so do i. We will still talk every now and then, and maybe catch up on the rare occasion, but it is unpredictable as to when. I'm just going to have to learn to cope with that. And that is fair enough, i think this will be a good learning curve for me. :)

Feeling good.! <3

"Just leave with me now. Say the word and we'll go. I'll be your teacher. I'll show you the ropes. You'll see a side of love you've never known."

At the moment I'm listening to "In my head (Cover) - Mayday Parade".
I'm not feeling too bad today. In fact I'm waiting for my boyfriend to call me back with an answer. Fingers crossed for me guys, i really do love him and really do want to be with him. He called me today to talk, but i was busy at a University open day. So, he said he will call me back later on. Hopefully he calls tonight. The anticipation is killing me, but I'm trying to be positive about it.

Wow, University next year for me. Scary, but also exciting. I can experience real freedom and happiness that comes with that freedom. Hopefully my dreams come true. Except for one thing, I have no idea what my dreams consist of. Hopefully it's something beautiful and makes me happy for the person I am. Not some person that is fake because it makes other happy.

Still awaiting a call.... my phone lies in my sweaty palms. And wow, Psychology SAC tomorrow... fucking fantastic, right?

Happy thoughts.! :)

"You know I came here when I needed your soft voice. I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer. Now I wait here, and sometimes I get one."

At the moment I'm listening to "Every thug needs a lady - Alkaline Trio."

My boyfriend finally got into contact with me last night. We had this massive phone conversation over whether or not we should be together, and if so, how this will work. We left off with him saying to me "I can't give you an answer right now, is it okay if i get back to you?".

I'm still waiting for a reply. But I do think we will eventually get better. I know that he genuinely loves me and as do I. So all i can do is smile. Talking to my mate, Lauren, REALLY did help. So, if you're reading this, thank you! <3
In fact, all of my mates have been super supportive.

In other news, last night was pretty fun... in a bad way. I had a drinking session with some of my mates... and even tried a certain substance which I will NEVER consume again. Although, it was pretty fun. Drinking away my bad week and waking up next to a bucket of last night's dinner. The headache continues. But all I can do is smile. Whether it be real or fake. You will never know.
<3

"All my life I’ve been looking for the answers to the questions you never asked. And we never planned on this disaster. When will I let it go?"

At the moment I'm listening to "This Disaster - New Found Glory".
Day 4 of my so called boyfriend not contacting me.
But to be honest, I have a lot of bigger problems going on in my life. No, it's not relationships, school or depression in general. It is, in fact, my mum.
She has had a blood clot in her right leg for about 4 days now and it's traveling up her leg, heading for the main artery (Upper Thigh). If it hits that main artery, it could then travel fast towards her heart and she will die. I left for school this morning and my mum told me her leg was feeling fine and the pain hasn't passed her knee cap. When I get home from school, she greets me with a BIG hug and starts crying. She tells me about her day and how it consisted of:

• Going to the doctors just for a check up.
• Realising she had to get rushed away to have an ultrasound IMMEDIATELY!
• Getting the results and having to rush back to her GP.
• Him telling her that the blood clot has moved significantly over night, about 2 inches away from the main artery.
• Now she needs to take injections over the next 10 days to keep her stable.

After hearing this I feel disgusted in myself for two reasons. One: Because I didn't say 'I Love You' to her this morning on the way to school because I was in a rush. Two: Because upon hearing this dreadful news, I had NO reaction what-so-ever. Is that human? Could it be the pills I'm on that prevents me from crying? Or feeling upset? I didn't feel ANYTHING. Not sadness, not happiness and NOTHING in between. That cannot be normal. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just got the news that my mum could have definitely died today and I don't even blink my eyes, let alone cry!
I feel so ashamed in myself. I don't even feel worried in case it gets worse!! :/

Fuck!

"Maybe I'm the runner up but the first one to lose the race."

At the moment I'm listening to "Horseshoes and Hand Grenades - Greenday."
Day 3 of my so called boyfriend not talking to me.
Wow, I just realized I have only eaten an apple over the last 24 hours. Completely by accident aswell. :/
I'm also running on just 2 hours sleep.
I'm a mess.

"Your voice is like the sound of sirens to a house on fire, saving me."

At the moment I'm listening to "Nose over tail - Alkaline Trio."
If only I knew what the fuck is wrong with me. Doctors call it depression. But is it normal to only get extremely unstable within a matter of minutes, rarely and without any trigger?

And also, to think that the one person who broke my heart, and me getting over him In a matter of months, still manages to upset me. Especially since I've got so much else to be upset and angry about.

We had a guest speaker at school today. He said something that I completely agree with. He said:
"The saying 'Time heals everything' is not true. Time just makes things worse".

I believe him. And now I'm thinking, "fuck, I don't stand a fucking chance".

"We’ll sneak out when they sleep and sail off in the night. We’ll come clean and start over the rest of our lives. When we’re gone we’ll stay gone. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s not too late, we have the rest of our lives."

At the moment I'm listening to "Satellite - Rise Against".
Wow, I haven't posted for a while. Don't worry, you haven't missed much in my life. Same old shit. I feel lost. Lost and gone. Gone and no where to be found. The only satisfaction I have now days is smoking... But not even that did it for me tonight, I had to take it one step further.
You know what really pisses me off? The fact that I have an unofficial boyfriend that stops reply to my message half way through. This message was serious and possibly life changing. I've had enough. Hoping for things to get better just doesn't seem to doing me any justice at the moment...
But then again, HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG! I just never get a chance to talk to him or see him. Might as well be single. Might as well be straight. I'm sure I would have no trouble finding a girlfriend, someone close to home, someone who I see nearly every day of the week and WANTS to be with me, regardless of distance, regardless of anything!
FUCK YOU! FUCK EVERYTHING!
I'm done!
I need more cigarettes, or perhaps something a bit stronger and will kill my body faster. Something with sharp edges and can produce a lovely crimson coloured substance.
Goodnight, fuckers.

"I've got a feeling, that tonights gonna be a good night"

At the moment I'm listening to "Gotta feeling - The Black Eyed Peas". I am unbelievably happy! I've found myself the right guy and I am now 18!!! I got my licence and have been driving ever since my birthday!! It is really fun!

It seriously is amazing being 18, I can legally buy cigarettes, drink, drive, do ANYTHING!
I'm also VERY excited for my party, it's a dress up theme and I think the photos and good company of friends will be heaven.
Looking forward to the memories and the many memories to come!
<3

"I’m lookin’ for a complication. Lookin’ ‘cause I’m tired of lyin’. Make my way back home when I learn to fly high."

At the moment I'm listening to "Learn to Fly - The Foo Fighters".
I've had a pretty amazing couple of weeks! I met someone amazing and hopefully it is goin to progress from here! I've been talking to all my mates, found out some interesting stories, helped them all out and felt a mixture of good and confused on the inside... I don't know why I'm feeling confused... But hopefully it's a good thing.

My car arrived the other day.. I've decided to call her 'Esmerelda', she looks beautiful! And I'll be 18 in 4 days!! So hopefully I get my licence!

Then I will be completely free!!

... Until I run out of petrol.. :/

"Lighting fireworks in parking lots, illuminate the blackest nights. Cherry cokes under this moonlit summer sky."

At the moment I'm listening to "In this Diary - The Ataris".

I am feeling something inside of me that hasn't been felt in a long long time. This feeling is quite a warm and fuzzy feeling, but I'm also consciously aware of this feeling and trying my hardest not to get carried away with it.... But I am LOVING IT! This feeling goes by many names, some call it 'A mixture between pain and pleasure', others call it 'a soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another'. I'm scared to say so, because I'm trying to be cautious, but i like to call this feeling "Love".

On Monday I believe i just had the best day of my life. It consisted of holding hands, kissing and talking. All the things I ever wanted. Nothing more, nothing less.

Loving life. <3

"I heard you crying loud, all the way across town. You've been searching for that someone, and it's me out on the prow. As you sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Well, don't get lonely now, And dry your whining eyes. I'm just roaming for the moment, Sleazin' my back yard so don't get so uptight. You been thinking about ditching me."

At the moment im listening to "When I come around - Green Day". I'm kinda confused and indecisive.

But I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY looking forward to Monday!! This weekend is going to be good aswell!

<3

"Yes, your motives are tasteless but your mouth is so bittersweet. When my worst fears surround me I'll just wait for you, to sweep me right off my feet."

At the moment I'm listening to "Don't let this be the end - New Found Glory". I'm feeling super great today, smiling as always. I made a secret list of all the things I want to achieve in the near future today. I'm looking forward to keeping those promises.

One of my mates was meant to join me in the city tomorrow and I'm a little disappointed because he cancelled on me for the 4th time this week. I kinda had a thing for him but now I'm realizing that I really don't, I like guys who miss me, guys who want to spend time with me, guys who would take time out of there own life to see me, guys who TEXT ME FIRST! I'm noticing that this guy really isn't right for me, I'm just going to stay fiends with him.

I am a little excited however, because this one guy who i have been staring at for a while has finally noticed me and stated that i "am the sexiest person he knows". Whether this is the truth or not, I will never know, but it's fun to pretend. So that made me happy. :) I'm looking forward to gettin to know him, but I also know that I need to take things slow of course :)

Schools almost over for the term! And then HOLIDAYS!!! yay!!! I turn 18 in 20 days and I'm really looking forward to the freedom and the car! Loving life! :D

"Creating what we see, convincing us with fear. We are the ones who say, what they refuse to hear."

At the moment I'm listenin to "Now, the hard part - City Escape". I'm feeling great!!
It's a good feeling when you're helping your mates get better, you feel, aswell as making them feel, a great sense of self-worth. I also love it how me and my mum are bonding so much, it feels really good! Life is once again stable and looking up!

<3

"Give me a reason to care, and I'll sing along forever".

At the moment I'm listening to "Sing along forever - The Bouncing Souls". It's funny how life goes. Just before I was talking to this guy who has moved house or got kicked out of his house (I'm not sure which one) and lived my himself, no income, no school, nothing. It's his 18th birthday tomorrow, but what shocked me the most is, how happy he actually is. The decision of him constantly Swapping houses around victoria and enjoying the freedom is amazing! People like him make me realize that, if he can do it, I can. I can make it.

In other news, I'm really not sure how things are going with someone else. I have the feeling like I'm really missing someone, even though they're not mine. I can't stop thinking about him, even though I don't want to think about him. I don't want to be in a relationship, but I also miss the flirting and the cutness. I also feel like, with this guy, I text him too much, and I really don't want him to think I'm some stalker or something
... So what I've done is not text him at all... Waiting for him to text me. Waiting. Waiting...

"How's your new boy? Does he know about me? You've got the marks of a beast!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Love me Dead - Ludo".

Ehh.

"I feel her, I see her. The sun caught in raven hair is blazing in me out of all control."

At the moment I'm listening to "Hellfire - Walt Disney". I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. I'm so much happier as a person, even though I'm not fully there yet, but I'm surely getting there. I deactivated my facebook and I'm cutting out of my life the things I don't want or need.

There is a certain person in my life that I am starting to get along with quite well at the moment. I've known him for quite a while now and we have been talking EVERY night. It is really great, even though I'm kinda just looking for mates at the moment, I'm glad I met him, because after all, I really just needed that one person who can change my life, and I can see me being mates with him for a REALLY long time.

To my readers I would just like to say:
Live your life, go out and get drunk, have a laugh, experience love, experience loss, make some mates along the way, smile and remember to believe in yourself. You are amazing and you can make a difference to someone else.

Smile! ;D

"He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you'd had been there. If you'd had seen it. I bet you, you would have done the same!"

At the moment I'm listening to "The Cell-block Tango - Chicago". I'm sitting on the couch watching Chicago with one of my close mates. I'm feeling a bit better. I know I states i was having trouble breathing just below.... But I've caught my breath. I can see straight again (figuratively speaking of course, I only seem to see gay now days....). Even though it has taken some cigarettes to realize this. The main reason why I feel a bit better (for now) is because of my mum. She has helped a lot!

Enjoy your lives every day you live it, fellow readers, because even if you have had enough with it and want to die, at least you can say I lived a life worth while.

Make sense!??!?

"I can't live my life always backing down, I got to do this right, then make it make a sound. Cos I'm not here for nothing. At least I can say I stand for something."

At the moment I'm listening to "All signs point to Lauderdale - A Day to Remember".

I'm having trouble breathing.

"How can I miss you if you never would stay? If you need time, I guess I´ll go away. Inside me now there´s only heartache and pain. So where's the fire? You´ve become the rain."

At the moment I'm listening to "Harder than you know - Escape the Fate". I'm feeling shit!
Just fucking terrible, I took today off again, I just don't know what to do with myself!!!!
I've had enough of my body! I'm not going to be eating until after exams are over. Not even kidding, I've done it before, I can do it again!

I've also substituted cutting with cigarettes. So, that way, I'm still killing myself, only slowly.

"I've hardly been outside my room in days because I don't feel that I deserve the sunshines rays."

At the moment I'm listening to "The special two - Missy Higgins".
This has been a complete fucking roller coaster of a week. It's been absolutely terrible because of, mainly school, but also, just life in general. Year 12 is getting worse. I'm starting to actually fail my SACs and it is getting so hard each morning to get out of bed and face another terrible day at school. It's just not worth it. Nothing is worth it!

The only upside of my week was probably the weekend. I did no homework, just went out with mates, drank some good alcohol, smoked and had a dance and chat with some mates that I will keep for life. I also had an amazing day out driving places with an old friend! She always knows how to put a smile on my face, even through the toughest of times.

As far as my relationship life is going. I just don't know, because I'm actually really enjoying being single, I could meet up with people in the city, have a bit of a fling, and live!
But I do miss the cuddles! I just don't know, life is full of fucking unanswerable questions!

Video.

This is video I would like to share with you all because It made me realise how fortunate I actually am.
Enjoy. :)

Everyone check it out!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciYk-UwqFKA

"I linger in the doorway of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name. Let me stay where the wind will whisper to me, where the raindrops, as they’re falling, tell a story."

At the moment I'm listening to "Imaginary - Evanescence". Yeah, I'm feeling shit at the moment. I really feel fucking shit!!

I just don't know what to do with my life, I'm having trouble with relationships, both friends and gay guys, I just don't know what to do with my schooling, I'm failing a few subjects, I'm finding my suicidal thoughts becoming more apparent, I'm finding myself making these thoughts becoming reality.

"I just don't know" is probably the only explanation I can give for this. There's nothing more I can do. Life doesn't really deserve me. I feel that the only joy I get in life, is simply, nothing. I get no joy out of anything at the moment, even if I'm smiling at the time, doesn't mean I feel like that on the inside.

I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I just want to cry. I want to throw up. I've found that my angry mood swings are really harming my mum and her emotions. Cliche as this is, Maybe it would be better for her if i wasn't actually here anymore?

Obviously I could never do that to her. But on the other hand, I wouldn't have any feelings when I'm an overdosed, deceased corpse. I just don't fucking know!!!

And yeah, I look back over this post and realise that I sound like a whining little slut. But fuck, someone has to listen to me.

Let's hope I feel a lot better tomorrow, If tomorrow does indeed come.
Goodbye

"I got the scars to remind me of watching the clocks go round. I've walked myself through somedays that have put me where I am."

At the moment I'm listening to "Rooftops (cover) - Alkaline Trio".
GOODMORNING EVERYONE! I'm up bright and early on this seedy Sunday after having a pretty fantastic night. This night consisted of drinking, formal-like attire, smoking, great food, truth or dare, a trampoline, some great memories, some amazing mates and lots of smiles and laughter!!

Fuck, that was a good night! And I think someone, just someone alone made me smile the most. This person sent me a text with a song that reminded him of me. I thought that was the cutest thing ever!

Ahhh, okay, I'm off to sleep now, try and get rid of this semi hangover and wake up to study hard! Shit.

"I took a blow torch to both of my lungs a long, long time ago."

At the moment I'm listening to "Mr. Chainsaw - Alkaline Trio". Okay, so I haven't posted for a while. But I think it's fair to say that I've had a pretty amazing week.

My mum's been away since monday and I had some mates stay with me all week! It was really fun, first night we just sat around, did a bit of homework, had a few smokes and watched a movie. We did this most nights, but we also played twister, drank Vodka and Ribena, sat outside and blew out smokes into bubbles and watched them pop. It was just a great week! :)

It's awesome to have friends like these guys, they know how to cheer a person up and make me realise the values of life.

On a bad note, however, I HAVE 10 SACS NEXT WEEK AT SCHOOL! It is seriously ridiculous!

This.

Yeah, I know I usually put lyrics in the title, But i'd rather share the whole song right here.
This song makes me smile!

San Dimas High School Football Rules - The Ataris

Last night I had a dream that we went to Disneyland,
Went on all the rides, didn't have to wait in line.
I drove you to your house where we stared up at the stars
I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms.

We hung out at the rainbow where we drank til' half past two.
Nothing could go wrong anytime that I'm with you.
Like crashing a hotel room or leading up to that first kiss
Or searching for a high school that you know doesn't exist...

These are the things that make me free
I feel like I'm stuck in "stand by me"
This night was too good to be true.

Today I woke up alone wishing you were here with me,
I wanted us to be something that we'd probably never be.
Today you called me up and said you'd see me at our show,
But now I'm stuck debating if I even wanna go.

Whitney, don't you understand that what I say is true?
I just want you to know I have a major crush on you.
I'd drive you to Las Vegas and do the things you wanna do
I'd even have Wayne Newton dedicate a song to you.

I only wish that this could be
Just dump your boyfriend and go out with me
I swear I'd treat you like a queen.

:)

"When the world comes crashing down, Whose ready to Party?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Hello Brooklyn - All Time Low". I stayed home, once again today. I really don't see myself passing year 12 at this point. If i keep taking day's off, I won't make the required attendance. There's really nothing I can do about this though, If I can't go to school because I'm too unwell, teachers will just have to understand.

I've got nothing else to say.

"Someone once told me there's a road to happiness. I must have passed it long ago."

At the moment I'm listening to "Restless - Rumbleseat". This song brings back some good memories. It reminds me of me VCE music night last year, where I sat in front of a small crowd of adults with a guitar on my lap and a microphone at my mouth. I performed this song with such passion that I even reached those high notes that I couldn't reach before. As I was blasting out the words, I looked down into the eyes of my audience and all I could see was smiles. As the song concluded, the room was drowned with the sounds of applause. This applause was like no other that I've received before and it made me EXTREMELY happy.

When I was performing, I remember saying to myself: "How am I doing this?" "How am I making people smile?" I was so surprised in myself that I had the ability to make others happy. And through this I became happier and stronger as a person.

Music has changed my life significantly in a great way. There's no better feeling than performing something from your heart to an audience, and having amazing feedback whilst you listen to silence and stillness of people breathing change to a dramatic, thunderous applause.

"I'm sorry, I heard about the bad news today. A crowd of people around you, telling you it's okay and everything happens for a reason."

At the moment I'm listeing to "Sonny - New Found Glory". I saw my psychologist yesterday for the first time in a while. She think's i've gotten sicker than what I originally was. Brilliant.
A few days before this I had to have a few bloods tests and other mediacal tests, because knowing my luck, not only am I mentally ill, I may possibly be physically ill aswell. Wonderful.
On the plus side though, I just got a job :) This means money :) And I also am proud to anounce that I am moving on from bad experiences. I have been talking to this one person for a while, and I've come to realise that their actually are some decent people in this world. Hopefully this guy turns out to be nothing like my ex (a liar and an all-round cunt). But things are starting to look up.

I'm taking it slow, and starting to enjoy the feeling of being single.

Another Innocent Girl - Alkaline Trio

"He likes to act like he's all grown up
He wanted to grow up to be an actor
But he never told anybody
He likes to spill all of his guts
On the top of a well stocked bar
And then swallow them bit by bit remembering every scar
As a valid reason for every drink
And a new tattoo is a new reason to think
He likes to pretend that he is all sewn up
It makes for a much stronger case
But there is blood underneath that skin
That scar is not so easy to erase
He walks with a glass cane now
He's careful when holding his body up straight
Can't go outside when it's raining
Can't smash up that beautiful face
Another innocent girl just made his list
That self pity shit is just too hard too resist
And when we get home
you'll see that this part of him is now part of me
And its way too easy to fake this smile lead you on
Maybe I'm wrong but everyone gets bored once in awhile."

"Break into something that’s beautiful now, tell me that it’s gonna be okay. Or exalt my friendships and line up these bottles of beam from my crib to my grave. I wrote it to end it this way."

At the moment I'm listening to "The redness in the west - The Lawrence Arms". I stayed home again today. I don't want to get into the habit of staying home from school once a week. It's really not good for me. Especially in year 12. I was up all night again last night, vomiting. I drove to the doctors today and got some blood tests done. I won't get the results back for another couple of days.

I have no Idea why I'm feeling so sick. It's only been since my boyfriend broke up with me that I've been sick. And It's getting worse. My depression has come back, even though I am trying deeply to to get over this sickness, nothing is working. The only thing I can see getting pleasure out of doing at this moment in my life, is starving myself, and sleeping in bed. Which is really quite sad. But it's the truth.

I've lost a significant amount of weight recently (11Kgs) and my mum is starting to worry about me. I hate it when she worries. It makes me upset, and then i get upset at her, which results in both of us fighting.

Above all this, I have a mountain of homework to be catching up on and the fact that my Internet speed is currently on 'Snail', really isn't helping.

Fuck.

"Count all of your fingers tonight."

At the moment I'm listening to "Recovering the Opposable Thumb - The Lawrence Arms". Feeling a bit happier at the moment. (And yes i know, last post i was sad, and this post i am happy). Maybe I'm Bi-polar?

Probably not. Just a normal teenager sitting at the front of the emotional roller coaster of life.

On a happier note, I've been talking to some random gay guys, and i think it was really great because the majority of them made me realise that I'm actually not as bad as i make myself out to be.

Life... more fucking ups and downs than a bouncy ball in a small room.

"I wish you would take my Radio to bathe with you, plugged in and ready to fall."

At the moment I'm listening to "Radio - Alkaline Trio".
FINALLY, blog is working again.... For some reason it just wasn't working for the past couple of days. I'm feeling a bit sad today. Just thinking over some memories and it's making me really sick!! Both physically and mentally. I'm at that confused state of mind where I want to kill someone and want to love someone at the same time.

I'm curled up in bed at the moment and refusing to get up to do anything. Even eat. I just want to stay here forever! Obviously this isnt the right thing to do... But i really don't give a fuck anymore.

The only word I think I can use at the moment to describe me, and how I'm feeling is:

Fucked.

"There's a lightning storm each and every night, crashing inside you like motorbikes. We toss and turn, sleep so loud, Grind the teeth in our empty mouths."

At the moment I'm listening to "Burn - Alkaline Trio". I'm smiling.
I've been talking to new people lately, making some new friends and listening to some interesting stories. It's good to hear stories from similar people to me, just so i know that i'm not alone in this world! I've made great friends with different people. It's great to end something that was bad, with starting something fresh and new. :)

This Video really makes me smile.

Check it out!! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouqUil7Q3Fs

"I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you. And I need you like a heart needs a beat, but that's nothing new. I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue. And you say sorry like the Angel Heaven let me think was you."

At the moment I'm listening to "Apologize (Cover) - Silverstein". Having a pretty average day. Nothing to spectacular to write about. I took my mum to a lovely country town today called Daylesford. It's actually quite ironic that she chose to go their since it's pretty much the Gay capital of Victoria. It was a fun day, just browsing through the shops and looking at random shit.

Something that really grabbed my attention was this book titled 'Daddy and his Roomate'. It was a children's book and it's intention is to teach children about same sex relationships and introducing them into this lifestyle. I thought it was really sweet since I have never really seen anything like it.

I hope to have kinds one day. But let's think about that a bit later in my life! Haha
Happy mothers day! :)

"I know the timing isn't great but these things you just can't plan. I just need a little time so I can find myself again. 'Cause I get buried underneath all the things they think you are. And I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt to be left out."

At the moment I'm listening to "The conversation - Motion City Soundtrack".
It's mothers day tomorrow. I got mum a beautiful card and buying her anything she wants when we go out tomorrow. I feel really upset, when my mum get's upset sometimes. She was crying again today. This happens every two to three days. Today was about our financial situation and how pretty much our house is falling apart (literally). The backyard is just overgrown weeds and the inside is falling to pieces. She can't afford to fix anything.

She also get's quite upset because her whole life she has wanted a partner that loves her and wants to be with her forever. She has found this certain someone, except for one problem. He lives in a different state to her. And she only see's him rarely.

I really don't know what to do! I've been trying to get a job so badly just to help out with the bills and everything, but i'm not having much luck at the moment. I really feel sorry for her and have a secret cry every now and then about her because I just don't know what I can do. I know their is a lot worse out their and I do count my blessings that I have a house, food and water. But I just feel so helpless. All I want to do is make her happy! That's all.

"You say you love me, but you lied. Now you say you love me, well just to prove that you do, come on and cry me a river. Oh cry me a river, I cried a river over you."

At the moment I'm listening to "Cry me a river - Michael Buble".

Check out me playing Piano. I'm improvising! ;D Tell me what you think!

:)

"And I don't have the face to turn heads or the body that cuts loose ends. I swear I need to get a hold again."

At the moment I'm listening to "I'll never love again - New Found Glory". I stayed home today. You know those days where you just need a day off? Yeah, mine's today.

So, I'm sitting in front of the computer, listening to loud music, filling my stomache with food and trying to find something other than homework to do. Trying to keep my mind focused on other things, rather than the obvious.

Talking to mates really help. Although, i have a feeling that I'm losing some of my friends. Oh the complications of being a teenager, don't you just love it. Oh well, life is unpredictable and unstopable. Nothing i can do to change that!

"And who's to know that the lies wont hide your flaws. No sense in hiding all of yours. You gave up on your dreams along the way."

At the moment I'm listening to "Fake It - Seether". Feeling a little bit better today, my mind is not being so zoned out lately. I'm smiling more. .. i think.

I've got a fuck-load of homework to catch up on... and really need to get my head in the game (...of school).
:S

I feel kind of bad, I haven't got my mum anything for Mothers Day yet. I have no money. And i haven't had the time to buy anything, no matter how small, or cheap. :( I HAVE to buy her something... soon. Otherwise I will feel terrible.
:/

"How long could you hang on to a word?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Intensity in ten cities - Chiodos".
I'm trying to sleep... I just can't.
I've got the feeling people are ignoring me. For some reason I think some of my friends are ignoring me... I don't know why. They're propably not, it's just a feeling. An uncontrollable feeling.
Trying to sleep, but my mind is just racing. Racing faster than the speed of light. One thought, continuously drifting into another. Some thoughts are good, but they lead into bad memories. Memories I am trying so ever hard to forget.

Fuck this.

"You told me that the daylight burns you and that the sunrise was enough to kill you. I said maybe you're a vampire. You said it's quite possible, I feel truly dead inside."

At the moment i'm listening to "Trouble breathing - Alkaline Trio". I haven't been eating much lately. I'm just not hungry, i'm really not. And when i try to eat... my body rejects it and sometimes i throw up ... or just feel ill. My mum's worried about me. I hate it when she worries, she should just take care of herself. She needs to be more worried about her and less about me. I'm fine.

Trouble breathing - Alkaline Trio

"You told me that you want to die.
I said I've been there myself more than a few times.
And I go back every once in a while.
You called me lucky, you...
You called me lucky.

You said tonight is a wonderful night to die.
I asked you could tell, you told me to look at the sky.
Look at all those stars, look at how goddamn ugly the stars are.

It's one or another.
Between a rope and a bottle.
I can tell you're having trouble breathing,
'Cause you'll never be o.k. (you'll never be o.k.)
You'll always be in pain.
You'll always feel this way.
'Cause things they never work out right (the wrong way, the lonely way).
You'll always be in pain.

You told me that the daylight burns you
And that the sunrise was enough to kill you.
I said maybe you're a vampire.
You said it's quite possible, I feel truly dead inside.

It's one or another.
Between a rope and a bottle.
I can tell you're having trouble breathing,
'Cause you'll never be o.k. (you'll never be o.k.)
You'll always be in pain.
You'll always feel this way.
Cause things they never work out right (the wrong way, the lonely way).
You'll always be in pain.

Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out.
Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out.
Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out."

Is it bad that i really enjoy listening to suicidal songs? Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to die. I don't see the point, and i have too much to live for. I just, for some reason, really enjoy listening to suicidal songs.
:/

"I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end. But I choose to abuse for the time being, maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die."

At the moment I'm listening to "Let's get fucked up and die (L.G.F.U.A.D) - Motion City Soundtrack". Feeling a little bit more down today. And as I look back over my posts I know I sound weird because one day I'm fine, other days i'm not. Love AND loss can be an emotional rollercoaster.

Over the past few days I have really enjoyed talking to one of my ex's friends. She has been really helpful, I mean REALLY helpful... And promised me that we will never lose touch. We also plan to go to the city... That should be fun. It's a lovely feeling knowing that I'm still going to be friends with her.. And I still have a place in her life. :)

I know this sounds weird... But sometimes I just wish I was straight. Because all I want in this life is to live it just like how everyone else lives it.
I want to hold my partners hand in public without worrying about what people think. I want to openly express my love to my partner and kiss them in public. It is very limited as to what I can do... So I hope that my next boyfriend isn't scared... I hope that he will look past the boundaries of society and focus on love. Just love.

All I want in this world ... Is to be loved.

"Do you know, who's that guy, who's all alone? Do you care enough to see? He's in pain and misery."

At the moment i'm listening to "The Ballad - Millencolin". This song brings back good memories. It reminds me of Soundwave. :)

Good news is, i'm not feeling so sad anymore. Feeling happier talking to my closest mates last night. Even texting my ex on the phone last night. It made me feel a little bit better because we only interacted as mates. And that's all i want in this world. Good mates. :)

I believe that true friendships, alcohol, dancing, smiling, laughing, loud music and glowsticks make up the perfect life.

;D