"And I don't dream since I quit sleeping. No I haven't slept since I met you. And you can't breathe without coughing at daytime. Neither can I. So what do you say? Your coffin, or mine?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Blue in the face - Alkaline Trio".
I'm feeling so sluggish lately. I'm so exhausted after Christmas, and after a big year with a lot of eventful things going on. I'm pretty happy that this year has come to an end. And I'm especially looking forward to next year, quitting smoking, and losing a shit load of weight to make myself happy!

I really must stick to my goals because it's the only way I will become truly happy with myself!

Also, exactly a year ago today I was in my car accident! I'm proud to say that I've been accident free for a year! Yay!

Hope you're well, and happy new year! :)

"I walk through the snow to a bar where there’s no one I know. Drink slow with nowhere to go. And when I leave I’ll be singing this song. Summer’s gone, carry on, I’m a ghost in the dawn. I was lost on the airplanes. I was high on the fast trains. My heart was a bird in a small cage. And I was drunk on the radio waves."

At the moment I'm listening to "The slowest drink at the saddest bar on the snowiest day in the greatest city - The Lawrence Arms".
It is Boxing Day, and I'm fucked!
Usually I have a passionate hate for Christmas, but this year was a little different. This was the first year I had a boyfriend over Christmas, and spending Christmas with him and being introduced to his traditions made me quite happy to be celebrating Christmas. :D

Usually Christmas consists of fake smiles and most of the day spent in the car going from place to place, visiting family that no one likes.

But this year, I was pleasantly surprised with how happy I was. (:

In more related news, I'm afraid I have put on like 10kgs after Christmas with all the food I had! It's made me feel so sluggish and actually made me feel so sick! I'm so looking forward to getting back into losing weight as of tomorrow onwards.

It's been a pretty beautiful year, I've found that my mental illness has finally started to be easing out, for good! I haven't had a "bad day" in a long time now, and I'm very proud of that, even though my life still has it's bad times and struggles at the moment, my mental state is being a bit more... Dare I say... Normal! :)

Looking forward to a very good new year to come!

"Somewhere it all went wrong, and your plan just fell apart. And you ain't got the heart to finish what you started. You walked out that door to find out where you belong, to fulfil your own selfish dreams. I think you might have forgotten the ones that you loved, the ones that you left behind, the ones you said you'd try to find. Are they trying to find you?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Walk Away - Dropkick Murphy's".
I am currently on holidays!!! Woo! I'm in Newcastle (pronounced "new-carrrrrsle" as I have learnt ...) with a mate of mine and we are staying at her dads place and have been to her grandma's place as well! (: I'm having a blast, because it feels so great to get out of my house for a bit and just enjoy living in the middle of the bush where contact of my real life is limited. :) it's a nice getaway, and I honestly don't want to leave.

Also, my mate (Rachel)'s grandma makes THE BEST meat and cheese pies IN. THE. WORLD!! They're literally to die for! Om nom nom nom!

Rachel also goes by many names, including:
Boobs
Ray Charles
Charles
Raki
Speedy McRollerCoaster
(And, the latest is...)
....
Fräulein Cecil-Cersei Sa'Snow

Hehe!

Anyways, back at home, my boyfriend is still dealing with his offensive and concerning grandparents, I really feel for them... They will never understand and it may cost them realising how happy their grandson actually is. They may miss out on his life due to this old school traditional thinking, but I'm very proud of my boyfriend for dealing with it so amazingly! If you're reading this, I miss you, and I know things will be better one day! :)

Love you, all! :)

"Lost in the prescription, she's got something else in mind. Check into the Hotel Bella Muerte. It gives the weak flight. It gives the blind sight. Until the cops come. Or by the last light. And for the last night I lie, could I lie next to you?"

At the moment I'm listening to "The Jestset Life is Gonna Kill You - My Chemical Romance".
Feeling fairly average today. My boyfriend and I had another fight a couple of days ago, he said some pretty hurtful things to me which made me very upset. He accused me of smothering him, and he feels like I would be pissed off at him if he wanted to spend time with his mates without me... Even though I know he's going through a terrible time with his grandparents at the moment and obviously under a shitload of stress, there is really no excuse to me so hurtful. The fight's over now though, and he apologised for being so hurtful and said that he didn't mean any of it. But still, you don't say things like that our of nowhere, so there has to have been some sort of reason behind saying it in the first place. I know he was just venting out his anger towards his grandparents on me, but there still has to be some sort of reason as to why he said what he did. I'm glad the fight's over now, though I have been recently trying not to text or call him as much as I usually would in fear of coming off as "smothering him". I'm keeping sentences to a minimum and trying to be distant, even though it's killing me inside. But sometimes there is sacrifices in relationships that each person has to make to make the other one happy. (:

In other news, I have been on these "Fat magnet" pills and "Fat Blaster" chocolate shakes for almost a week now and I'm slowly losing the weight, and definitely not feeling as hungry as I normally would. I've cut down my portion sizes dramatically and only have a shake for dinner. I now currently weigh 99.2kgs and have also lost 1cm across my chest! Feeling very happy with my process so far! Hopefully I can keep up the good work, and definitely try not go over-indulge myself around Christmas time coming up in a few weeks!

I also got my uni results yesterday, and am so happy that I passed all my units for semester 2! This means that I have successfully done well with my first ever year of university! Woo!!

Really looking forward to the party I have on tonight as well! It's going to be a great night of fun, laughter, drinks, campfires, swimming in the dam, and great memories. I really cherish these parties as of recently, because I know they won't last forever. Shame my boyfriend can't come, I know he's sick, but I just wish he could be there tonight to keep in touch with my mates as I have done with him! Hopefully next time (:

Hope you're all well, keep up the smiles (:

"I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me. I remembered each flash, as time began to blur. Like a startling sign, that fate had finally found me. And your voice was all I heard, that I get what I deserve. So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean. Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes. Give me reason to fill this hole, connect this space between. Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies... across this new divide."

At the moment I'm listening to "New Divide - Linkin Park".
I'm feeling honestly dreadful and upset at the moment, and it's about something that doesn't even particularly involves me.

He's going through an extremely tough time at the moment. Tomorrow night he gets back home from his holiday and has to sit down with his parents to discuss how his grandparents are feeling about his sexuality. As his boyfriend, I am concerned and worried to know what they have to say to him. This whole "grandparents not accepting him" scenario has been going on for just over a week now, and I know it's only just beginning. I'm just worried because I know how upset this whole situation makes him, especially how much this situation is effecting his parents. I honestly hope that his parents are 100% supportive in favour of their son instead of his grandparents, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. It's just as normal as being straight is, and it is definitely not just a phase people go through.

I hope, for his sake, that his parents still understand this, continue to understand this, and help try to teach others this. I hope that they will still be accepting of me, but of course at the moment I'm thinking the worst... I honestly don't think it will get that bad.

I CERTAINLY don't want this to change my boyfriends mind either. In my mind, as irrational as it is, I'm thinking maybe he will have to make the tough decision of boyfriend or family? But I really hope it doesn't come down to that. Recently I have been a little scared of losing him due to this issue. Maybe he might turn around and say to me that we can't see each other very often because my family doesn't like it.

I don't think this is the case or ever will be. But it's a possibility. It's actually making me cry a little bit even thinking about it because I don't want to lose him, ever! I'm NOT going anywhere, and I hope he isn't either!

I know this issue isn't really concerning me, but I can't help but shed tears for him. We've been together for almost 4 months now, and I really really fucking love him, so much so that my emotions are tied with his own. When he's upset, I am too!

It's his last night on holidays tonight, and he rang my up before telling me that he has a fever, a swollen lip (wisdom teeth), a sore back, and is lacking sleep. I feel terrible because he is not in arms length and I would give my fucking soul to hug him right in this moment. He really does mean the world to me, so it kills me inside to know he's in pain and upset.

It kind of sucks that all I can do is just be there for him... Because if I had the power I wouldn't even hesitate to make everything in his life normal again. I love him. And it's safe to say that I fucking miss him... :/

"Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck, some nights, I call it a draw. Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle, some nights, I wish they'd just fall off. But I still wake up, I still see your ghost, oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Some Nights - Fun.".
I'm still feeling fair down. I still have no motivation to do anything, and I'm finding myself enjoying this a little too much.

I gave into my urges today, I had Hungry Jacks. I ordered 3 burgers, 1 large fries, 1 large onion rings, and 1 large Coke. I ate it all within 15 minutes and immediately after spent the next 30-40minutes throwing it all up.

It's been quite a while since I've had a binge-purge day, but it was fucking worth it :) Starving myself takes too much self control, but it's also a little bit more effective. I'm liking the path I'm currently on with losing weight, and I've already lost a bit. I want to keep going with this, at least until I've reached an easy goal where I can keep going with the normal way of losing weight from there on.

Some of you might now understand this, and most of you I'm sure are deeply opposed to it. But this is how it is. I'm only going to change if I want to. I know it's bad for me, but I don't have the patients to lose weight normally.

Really missing my boyfriend. Tonight especially. Only 3 more sleeps until I get to see him (:

"It's all in what we hold as being real, when the symbol kills the substance then we've lost. Save me one more time and I'll be free from the alleyways of my heart."

At the moment I'm listening to "Velvet Alley - Strung Out".
I'm afraid I might be going back into the same bad habbits as I once used to. I'm starving myself to lose weight.

Yes, I know it's dreadfully unhealthy, and it just makes you put the weight back on... but it worked for me in the past. And I figured that since the "normal" measures of losing weight aren't working for me (and I've been exercising and cutting down my portion sizes over the last 3 weeks), I might as well go back to my old ways and temporarily make myself happy, and thin.

I have been sick with the flu over the past two days, and I'm honestly not sure if it's a physical sickness that is causing a mental sickness, or a mental sickness causing a physical sickness. I have slept for about 35-40 hours over the past 2 days, and I'm finding it pretty hard to remember even the smallest details over the past week. Thank god I have this blog!

I was so sick today that I even missed my last class of sign language... which is pretty upsetting, but I just couldn't get out of my bed, let alone have the strength to drive.

Feeling a little bit lonely at the moment as well, even though I choose to be lonely. I miss my boyfriend already, and he's only been on holiday for two days... and doesn't come back for another 5 more days.

I hate being on Uni holidays, I need and crave structure, and I need some in my life at the moment more than ever.

Hope you're well :)

"Tom and Gracie on a plane, they were just 23, they talked about their family trees. Coincidental seating plan, she had the aisle seat, he moved away from his friend Pete. 7 drinks and package cheese, he swore Marry Me, twenty thousand above the sea. And we both knew that we had found the perfect company. The perfect company."

At the moment I'm listening to "Tom and Gracie - Darren Gibson".
It has been a very fun week, with a not so fun ending!
I have seen my boyfriend pretty much every day for the past week, just hanging out and having shit-loads of fun! Even though in my last post I was having a terrible time out clubbing, the rest of the week was great (and we sorted through our issues about what happened that night, everything is fine) (:

So, the week was great. I feel like I've connected a little bit more emotionally with my boyfriend now that I've spend a long period of the week with him. Which is great news!!

Now for some bad news. Firstly, my boyfriend told his grandparents about his sexuality... It went well at first, but then not-so-well a few hours later. They believe their lives are over, they are devastated, and that their future dreams for him are now destroyed.... All because he is gay. I'm very proud of him though for handling it how he did.

Secondly, I found out today that my dad got fired from his job that he has had for about 10 years. He had to leave immediately, and give away his car, his phone, and his computer (which all belonged to the company). So he is without a phone, a computer, and a car...

So, now both of my parents are currently unemployed, and we are already struggling to keep a roof over our heads.

It's getting to that point where it's ridiculously hilarious as to how I should deal with this news... So I'm just constantly laughing... And so is mum... I guess it's an odd way of coping with things.

Above all of this, I haven't lost ANY weight at all. I'm honestly so confused, because I've been trying really hard to lose weight,...I just don't understand it. But I'm still laughing, I guess.

"I'm sorry, I heard about the bad news today. A crowd of people around you telling you it's okay, and everything happens for a reason. When you lose a part of your self to somebody you know, it takes a lot to let go. Every breath that you remember, pictures fade away but memory is forever. An empty chair at all the tables, and I'll be seeing you when all my days boil down. But it's better where you're going anyway."

At the moment I'm listening to "Sonny - New Found Glory".
It's almost 3am and I am stuck in a loud bar in the middle of the city. Tonight has been a perfect example of why I loath going out to the city at night. I am some form of agony, sitting alone at a table whilst my boyfriend and his mates are out dancing. He's pushing for me to dance with him, but knows how much I hate dancing.

I'm also a little upset with him because he pretty much embarrassed me in front of all his mates tonight. He's completely apologetic, however, he is also drunk.... And I'm quite sober.

I'm really not having fun at all, and I've been a bit of a downer all night. I honestly just want to go home to my own house and sleep in bed forever :/

Meeting his mates was actually really lovely though. They're a really cool bunch of people...

But still, shit night.

I need another smoke. :/

"But, darling, I'd still catch a grenade for you, throw my hand on the blade for you, I'd jump in front of a train for you, you know I'd do anything for you. I would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain, yes I would die for you, baby, but you won't do the same."

At the moment I'm listening to "Grenade (cover) - Memphis May Fire".

Today is weigh in day. I'm actually quite disappointed and astounded because I weight exactly the same as I did a week ago, with the same stomach and chest measurements....
It actually really sucks because I've been really conscious of food intake and have been going for walks with my dog every single day! I'm genuinely disappointed because I have really tried this week, and is evident that I have gotten nowhere!!

I promised myself I wouldn't be negative, so I'm definitely trying to think of this in a positive mater and try harder this week! I need to try much harder to look sexy for summer!!

I also have come down with the flu... I just can't stop sneezing, am constantly tired (more than usual), and just can't be bothered with things... So I really need to get better before Friday.

Friday I'm going clubbing with my boyfriend and his mates, the thing is, I absolutely hate clubbing. Over-priced drinks, always stress over how to get to and from the city, terrible music, usually being forced to dance, always feeling self-conscious in a room full of good looking people, always stressing over how much money I can spend, or how much I have left, and there usually is some sort of drama. I would much rather house parties, I honestly can't stand clubbing.

However, I am willing to suck it up for a night because I'm really looking forward to meeting my boyfriends friends!

Apart from all the negative news, I have a few exciting months coming up! I'm flying interstate with my friend to stay at get dads house for a week, and I have a few parties and exercise to look forward to!

Hope you're well, and the key is to keep smiling! :)

"It's so insane cause when it's going good, it's going great. I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Love the way you lie (Cover) - A Skylit Drive".
I think Wednesdays are going to be my weigh in days. Today I am ashamed to announce that I weighed in at 102.2kgs with a chest measurement of 114cm and a stomach measurement of 116cm.

This is the biggest I have ever been in my life. And it's going to change! I'm sick and fucking tired of being like this, I hate it!

Healthy habits started today with watching my portion sizes and walking the dog for a good 2 hours.

Every day will be getting closer and closer to my ideal goal weight of 85kgs.

Healthy and happy! :)

"And if you say this life ain't good enough I would give my world to lift you up. I could change my life to better suit your mood, cause you're so smooth."

At the moment I'm listening to "Smooth - Santana (ft. Rob Thomas)"
Today is my last day of many things. Some of these things I'm going to miss, others I won't miss at all, but most of them will benefit me in the long-term, so I'm pretty excited to lose them :)

1) Last exam of my first year of Uni.
After today, I have officially completed my first ever year of uni! That is seriously exciting news, I honestly never thought I'd finish year 12 let alone get this far in my studies! Bring on next years subjects!

2) Today is the last day of negative stress.
Starting from tomorrow I will desolately be trying to be more positive in everything I do! I don't want to be stressed or negative anymore unless I have a very VERY good reason to be so. (:

3) Today is the last day of unhealthy eating.
I'm sick of looking in the mirror and seeing something I have shaped to hate. So as of tomorrow, I will be very conscious and careful of what I consume, limiting junk and fried food to a bare minimum.

4) Last day of lack of exercise.
As of tomorrow, I am determined to lose weight! This includes regular exercise and not giving up! I need to keep motivated and keep going! I want to push my limits and in turn come out with a great result!

5) Last day of wasting money.
As of tomorrow, I am going to be VERY conscious and aware of how much money I spend each week, and how much is NECESSARY!

6) Last day of smoking TOO much!
I would like number 6 to be "Last day of smoking", however, I would like to start cutting down dramatically instead of just quitting at the moment. I am aiming to quit smoking as a New Years resolution!

To all my mates who read this, bare with me! I will need your support (especially to lose weight and exercise). But thank you everyone who had been there to support me this far! :)

Hope you're all well, and happy! :)

"These are the words you wish you wrote down, and this is the way you wish your voice sounds: Handsome and Smart. Oh, my tongues the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart."

At the moment I'm listening to "Okay I believe you, but my Tommy gun don't - Brand New".

I've come to another one of my realisations. Internally I want to be happy, and constantly keep striving for happiness. Externally is a little bit different. Somehow my emotions fail to be mimicked by my actions. This is something I dreadfully need to work on! And am! :)

I've also come to the realisation that I don't want to spend one more second of my life setting long-term goals for myself. For some people, they see this as being a positive, but I don't really see it that way. I believe that setting long-term goals for yourself only makes you very very determined to get there, so much so that your whole life could fly by whilst you're still aiming for that one goal. I would much rather live a happy day-to-day life filled with lots of short-term goals and make sure I complete them!

I'm not going to pre-empt my future not knowing for sure what will actually happen. That could in fact just set me up for failure, and in turn, a wasted period of time. I'd rather let my future surprise me and be completely unpredictable. Life has a funny way of changing constantly, and I'm looking forward to what surprises will come next.

Feeling happy, and trying to stay positive :)

"I'm always screaming my lungs out 'til my head starts spinning. Playing my songs is the way I cope with life. Won't keep my voice down. Know the words I speak are the thoughts I think out loud."

At the moment I'm listening to "All I want - A Day to Remember".

I just had a major mood change, or mood swing tonight. It was one unlike any other I have had in the past... It was really scary and unexpected.

I am currently at my boyfriends house staying the night. It's 1am. Early this evening, everything was really wonderful. Spending time with my man is always wonderful... Until, all of a sudden, I became really quiet, angry, aggressive and distant. I barely said anything, but when I did, I noticed myself being really cold and snapping my words back at my boyfriend. It was actually horrible, and I feel really terrible about it. It was actually like I was another person, which is dreadfully concerning...

As of recently, I have been also questioning my emotions. (This may be very difficult to explain, and for you to understand via reading... But I'll give it my best shot to pour out what the fuck is going on inside my head)..

I am been wondering whether the emotions I feel are real or not. Am I really in love with my boyfriend? (For example) Or is it just something I'm supposed to feel?

Am I really feeling "Happy", or is this just some synthetic emotion I'm feeling that shows all the same behaviours as "happy"... Could my emotions possibly be fake?
And if so.. Could it possibly be the medication that's making it do so?

I spoke to my doctor about this yesterday. She upped my dosage. I'm really quite confused as to what to feel at the moment. Really worried, because I KNOW I'm hurting others around me. And I'm in no condition to lose anyone important in my life. No way.

Fuck.

"Wait for me to move out west...it's ok if you don't. I hope you know you're my favourite thing about the west coast. I wish I stayed, I hope you wait. So here I am counting down the days till California comes."

At the moment I'm listening to "Playing Favourites - The Starting Line".

It's been a while since my last post... Boyfriend is still amazing. We hit the 2 month mark a couple of days ago... Which is amazing! It's the longest relationship I've been in. So, I'm pretty happy about that! (:
Friends are amazing! Now that I've finished most of my major assignments I have a lot more free time to hang out with them! (:
Uni is going really smoothly! Today is my last uni day for the year!!! I can't believe I've been at uni for a year! It's pretty incredible to think that the end of year 12 was only a year ago... Wow!
And Work is pretty swell! Working tonight after uni!

Tomorrow will be really fun too! I'm having a little get-together at my place to celebrate Halloween, House Warming, and the end of Uni! Which is rad! It's a bit of a shame though that people keep cancelling... Even the people I want there the most. Specifically because they will have the chance of meeting my boyfriend (:
So I've got that to look forward to after my busy day today! (:

In other news, the woman sitting across from me on the train is a rather big woman... Wearing pink tights... Who am I to judge? But the fact that this lady (who has to be at least 50 years old) looks like a ripe strawberry is making me hungry.

Hope you're well! And HAPPY HALLOWEEN! ;)

"Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever and all of this will make sense when I get better. But I know the difference between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder, Which of us do you love?!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Breathe no more - Evanescence".
Currently sitting in the hair dressers getting my fringe dyed red again! I think this will be a good solution to stop pulling out my hair! I will like the red too much to pull it out.. As odd as that sounds, it worked last time.

My life over this past few weeks has been a constant struggle between losing weight and quitting smoking. I gave up on the whole "I'm gonna quit or cut down smoking thing" and am not focusing on cutting down my portion sizes and trying to lose a bit of weight. Hopefully this will work. Maybe..

Apart from this though, my life has just been dominated by Uni assignments and having little to no money due to having to pay to survive. I seriously don't have one single second to scratch my balls let alone visiting mates. I'm really looking forward to holidays! Freedom!

Only about 4 weeks to go until I'm COMPLETELY free!! Yay!!!

"Hello there, how you doin'? I've got all these thoughts just floating through my brain. They bump and they collide and cause a flurry of confusion, and it's getting on my nerves. I try to hold myself together, fighting off this mental weather when I can (sometimes I do). But this shitstorm's never ending, and the atmospheric pressure's calling for rain. This is what I've got going on. This is where I belong tonight."

At the moment I'm listening to "Where I Belong - Motion City Soundtrack".

Well, I'm a little disappointed equally proud of myself! I ended up giving into my craving and had a smoke today. Just one. That is the disappointment, but the proud-ness is in how I went cold-turkey for 7 whole days! That's REALLY good!

My plans for this next week concerning smoking are a little different than last weeks. This week I am experimenting whether having one smoke a day is more beneficial (in my overall happiness and energy levels) than going cold-turkey. Obviously going cold-turkey is more beneficial for my physical health, but one smoke a day, and then slowly starting to cut down to eventually quitting might have more long-term effects.

Overall this past week, I have noticed the full effects of a severe, and dangerous, addiction. I have had very limited sleep, continuous dreams about smoking, over-eating and an increased eating rate, substituting food for smokes (which in turn is making me put on a bit of weight), feeling dizzy, fainting (I actually fainted in the middle of my lecture... it was really awkward.....), extreme mood swings, decrease in concentration levels, decrease in energy levels (probably also caused by the lack of sleep), and absolutely no motivation to do anything active and healthy.

These effects have definitely not helped me this week, especially with all the assignments I have to do. This is why I'm choosing to slowly cut-down instead of "quit" altogether at the moment. And, every time you go cold-turkey, you last a little longer each time. I'm looking forward going longer than 7 days next time. I'm definitely getting closer to a positive outcome and setting myself up for a better and brighter future. :)

Hope you're well. :D

"I am running in this race and I am pressing onwards towards the finish line. You have promised me a better life, far beyond this world, far beyond this place and time."

At the moment I'm listening to "Finish Last - Stellar Kart".
I've noticed as of recent that my blog posts have started to become less frequent. I'd love to keep up with my posts, and maybe post at least every 2 or 3 days... but recently, and this week especially, I have been extremely busy. I have had SOOOOO much homework! It was actually a little too much where I thought I just would NOT get everything done in time. Luckily, of my lecturers told everybody that they could have an extra week on one of the major assignments! That lifts so much stress off my mind!

Apart from my stress-filled-homework-life, my actual life has been quite up and down. I'm a lot better from how I was last post... despite that fact the my mum and I are fighting. I can't even remember what we're fighting about anymore, but there has just been silence in the room for the past 5 hours... it's really awkward.. Oh well, it'll probably be sorted in the morning.

I do have some good (and bad-ish) news though...
The good news is, I have quite smoking! I am trying this little thing (well, I like to call it an 'experiment') where I test myself and see how long I can go without have a puff of a smoke. My previous record of this same 'experiment' resulted in 4 days without a single smoke... So I am going to try and beat that record this time and see how far a head of it I can get to until the time comes when I am so desperate that I really need one. So far, it's 2 days down, 2 days to go, however, I haven't bought a packet of smokes in 6 days, and have cut down pretty dramatically. So let's see how this ends up going.

Okay, the bad(ish) news is:
Since I have decided to quit/cut-down smoking, I have put on a little weight. I'm really saddened when I look at my naked body in the mirror.. it actually really brings me down. I REALLY need to work on my portion sizes and control all the food I consume. It's even gotten to that point were I feel really fucken embarrassed to expose large proportions of my naked body to my boyfriend. It really is something I need to change, and fast. I can't keep living like this.

There's also something about my boyfriend that I just quite don't understand. This may be a bit mean and self-centred of me.. But I feel like my boyfriend may be a little stingy with money, even though I know he has money to spend. Like, I am not exactly rich, but I do struggle with money a lot. So, even for him to offer to pay for dinner once in a while would be good... Just like a normal couple I guess. Or even a coffee.. Like, I offer to buy him coffees when we were dating... But I've never seen him do it. Even if like he owes me $5 (for example) and he only has a $10 note... I HAVE to have $5 change for him... Instead of him saying "don't worry about the change babe". I know I've done the same for him, on numerous occasions.. Oh well. (:

Anyways, I have a massive 18 hour day tomorrow (Uni and work straight after is), so I'm off..

Hope you're well! :)

"Well I know not to lose it, but aren't you in the bullet? I can't wait to say 'enough is enough, cough it up and use it.' I'm keeping composure, my blood's boiling over. We've been through push to shove, now the gloves are off, hit me like you mean it. To justify my loss of self control, I know I probably should just let it go."

At the moment I'm listening to "The Hits Keep Comin' - Neural".

To be brutally honest, the only word that can describe me recently is: Odd. I have been very odd lately... and I don't know why.. What do I mean? Well, I mean that my mood has been ridiculously up and down, ALL week. And the majority of the time, without any cause. Some days I have been feeling great! Feeling like nothing in this world can possibly get me down... and then, all of a sudden, it gets bad. Not as bad as it has been in the past, but still pretty bad. I was even very upset with myself when, all of a sudden, suicidal thoughts started pouring into my head today. Completely random as well. (I changed my thoughts and reassured myself that everything was fine, so don't worry)... but seriously, what the fuck?? Why does things like this all of a sudden just creep up on me and completely change my day..?! Not to mention how it affecting everyone else in my life, especially my boyfriend who just isn't used to the way my brain works yet... but then again, I'm not used to it yet either.

It was actually pretty funny today. Mum asked me a simple question. She asked me if I wanted to start trying to stop taking my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. I don't know what got into  me, but I just flipped out and pretty much directly told her that I was just not ready to get off them!! Which is a bit sad. I don't want to be on these pills forever, but then again, I don't want to let them go. Well, at least not at the moment.

So, apart from this delightful news, I guess I don't really have much else to report. I just really hope that whatever is going on in my brain settles down, and fast! I can't keep living not knowing if tomorrow will be a happy or a sad day. It's really starting to get a little confusing.

"You've taken me to the top, and let me fall back south. You've had me at the top of the pile, and then had me kissing the ground. We've heard and seen it all, no ones talked us out. The problems that have come, haven't yet torn us down."

At the moment I'm listening to "Always Attract - You Me at Six".

Soooo, it's been a while since I've posted. I have been extremely busy over this past week and a half!! SO. BUSY!

I went on holidays with my boyfriend. :) I had such a beautiful time!! We just relaxed, went out for dinner, went to some shops, had a look around, went in the spa, and saw the Penguin Parade!! Penguins are super cute!! Haha, I want one. NOW!! ..

A part from the nice and relaxing holiday, I have been VERY busy cleaning, packing, and moving house. It's definitely not a fun experience for me. This is my 20th move, and I hate it. The house is really beautiful though. But the fact that I'm now living with an asshole of a dad really makes things pretty crap. I really can't wait to move out one day!!

Also, last night I went to the 21st of one of the most beautiful people I know. She is so special to me, and I'm do glad she had a beautiful night. It was also the first party my boyfriend and I attended so far as a couple. Which is pretty cool...
Ohh, and guess what?!? Today is our one month anniversary!! Haha, so that's pretty cute (:

Work has been pretty good as well. I had a shift on Thursday night.. And I actually met the band who was playing at my work (Good Charlotte). Joel and Benji are so nice and down to earth!! Also, SO short. Haha

Ahh okay, I better end this massive post now.. I'm so tired from such a busy week, but it was definitely amazing! Now I get to enjoy my week off uni.. However, I should reaaaalllyyy do some homework... -.-

Haha, hope you're well!! :D

"It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide. I don't have much money, but boy if I did...I'd buy a big house where we both could live. If I was a sculptor, but then again, no. Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show. I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do. My gift is my song and this one's for you. And you can tell everybody this is your song. It may be quite simple but now that it's done...I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words...How wonderful life is, while you're in the world."

At the moment I'm listening to "Your Song - Elton John".

So September is off to a nice start. But fuck, I don't think I've ever had a busier month coming up in my life. This month I don't have any weekends free because of important parties, moving house, major assignments being due, work, and family events. It really sucks how I try quite hard to see all my mates and have some sort if a social life with all these events happening this month! It's frustrating at times, but there isn't really much I can do about it, I guess. What I really do need is a holiday of just pure relaxing and forgetting about things for a while..

Well, aren't I lucky that I'm going on a little holiday with my boyfriend next week?!? Haha YAY!! I'm so excited! We're only going for 2 nights, but those 2 nights will be magic!! Spa, beach, drinks, movies, Snuggles, walks, and wonder. I'm ridiculously excited!!

I'm also pretty excited for Friday night. Going clubbing with a really close mate for his 20th birthday!! I need a good night out (:

Anyways, hope you're well (:

"She paints her fingers with a close precision, he starts to notice empty bottles of gin and takes a moment to assess the sins she’s paid for. A lonely speaker in a conversation, her words were swimming through his ears again. There's nothing wrong with just a taste of what you've paid for."

At the moment I'm listening to "The Ballad of Mona lisa - Panic! At the Disco".

Melbourne has had such sunny weather the past couples of days... It's disgusting!! :) I love my cold weather! Definitely not a summer boy!

And now for some sad news: Last night was my last night of sign language!! I really wanted to learn so much more because I was enjoying it SOOOO so much!! :( :( I loved what I learnt and I promise myself that I will never let it seep out of my memory! I'm going to continue to practice, at least once a week! :)

Apart from that, I'm quite happy! I'm getting my work done as early as possible so I have more time for my friends! I'm still trying to find a balanced lifestyle, but I'm well on my way! :)

My boyfriend and I are quite happy also, I'm on my way to see him now for dinner! Yay!

Keep smiling, everyone! :)

"Hello there, the angel from my nightmare, the shadow in the background of the morgue. The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley, we can live like Jack and Sally if we want, where you can always find me. We'll have Halloween on Christmas, and in the night we'll wish this never ends. We'll wish this never ends."

At the moment I'm listening to "I Miss You - Blink 182".

Feeling a little bit all over the place at the moment and today. It's the last day of winter. I'm really going to miss winter, winter gave me comfort and I loved every minute of the cold.

Firstly, I'm feeling a little down because since I have such strong feelings for my boyfriend, every day I don't see him I really miss him. It's crazy to even think that because we are not even really deep into the relationship yet, It's just the way I feel. I hardly spoke to him today because I was so busy with uni and he was at work all day. It's going to be really tough these next couple of weeks because both of us are really busy with work and Uni studies, so we will hardly ever see each other over the next few weeks or so. So, that's got me a little down at the moment...

I'm also feeling a little down because I feel like I don't have time for my friends anymore these days... Like, I've just been thinking today and evaluating my current life and literally all I have been doing is University and on weekends all I would do is sit at home and do non-stop homework all day. :( It saddens me that I literally have zero time for friends... I really wish that wasn't the case because I really do love my friends to pieces and miss them every single day! To all of you reading this, I want you to know that I'm dreadfully sorry for not being around as much as I used to. I can honestly tell you that I didn't intentionally mean anything by it, I've just been so focused on my work that I forgot to realise that my life is slowly passing me by. I will definitely try harder from now onwards to make time for all of those that I truly love and miss!

I'm really sick of having so much work commitments and no time for a social life! What I really need is a holiday of some sort, just for a few days to relax and have some time to myself. I would even settle for just a whole weekend at home doing absolutely nothing but relaxing and doing what I want to do! I also haven't had a proper drink or night out with mates in a very long time, and I do really miss it!! The holidays really need to hurry the fuck up!!

So, that's my sad sort of post to end winter with. Hope you're all well. I really truly miss everyone reading this! <3

"Next is a trip to the, the ladies room in vain, and I bet you just can't keep up with, with these fashionistas, and tonight, tonight, you are, you are a whispering campaign. I bet to them your name is "Cheap", I bet to them you look like shh...Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears, and keep telling yourself that "I'm a diva!"

At the moment I'm listening to "There's a good reason these tables are numbered, honey. You just haven't thought of it yet - Panic! At the Disco".

I forgot how much I love this song! It's pretty much been on repeat for the past week!

So, to catch you up on my life adventures, if you're interested:
I had my first shift of my new job last Saturday night! It was incredible, non-stop, flat out work, 6 hours solid! But it was seriously so much fun! I forgot how much I love working! :) And the band that was playing (Hilltop Hoods) were pretty average as well. So that was really fun! Good pay too! :)

Life with my boyfriend has been nothing but beautiful as well! Everything is going really fine and I'm really glad things are looking like they might work out! :)

Big weekend coming up as well, Dad's birthday AND fathers day! So that should be okay.

Bring on the future!! :)

"She whispers something in my ear, the message is unclear, she motions outside. I trail her closely from behind, she tries hard not to cry, she shakes underneath the pouring rain. I can't compete with all your damn ideas, this isn't working out for you or me. The truth is I'm too tired to play pretend, this is goodbye, this is the end."

At the moment I'm listening to "Last Night - Motion City Soundtrack".

Sorry for not posting much this week. I'll catch you up!

It's been a pretty wonderful week. Uni is going really smoothly, getting all my work and summary notes up to date and handed in on time, and catching up with mates! OoOohh and I also have stopped bringing my smokes to uni, so I've been cutting down heaps!! Which is really good! :D

I got a job!!!!! It's an amazing job!! It's really flexible around uni hours, good pay, AND I get to watch some really amazing bands perform for free! Yaaaaay!!!!!

Okay, now the more amazing news, I saw my boyfriend today... Yep, that's right, I said boyfriend. You can say its official now! :P WOOO!! So, yeah, I went to visit him today, he gave me a teddy bear and asked me to be his boyfriend! How could I refuse??

I'm still keeping my wits about me and still being cautious, because we all know, since you've all read my blog, that I've been hurt before. So I'm being careful to make sure it doesn't happen again... But I honestly don't think it will end badly, if it ends at all! :D

I haven't been this happy in a very long time, and I'm loving every second of living my life!!

Can't wait to see what tomorrow, the next day, and my future brings!!

Keep smiling, everyone! :D

"No escaping when I start, once I'm in I own your heart. There's no way you'll ring the alarm, so, hold on until it's over. Oh, do you know what you got into? Can you handle what I'm 'bout to do? 'Cause it's about to get rough for you. I'm here for your entertainment."

At the moment I'm listening to "For your Entertainment - Adam Lambert".

This following post comes with a severe warning. You may possibly see (or read) a side of me you have never seen (or read) before.

I am ABSOLUTELY shocked and appalled...

Last night I went out for a lovely dinner with the guy I'm dating and he chose this certain restaurant for us to go to called Max Bar in the city. First of all the food we had was absolutely delicious, so I have no complaint about that. However, the story goes like this:
It was a lovely night, and a lovely restaurant, illuminated by candle light. It was like something you see in a romantic movie. So, we walk in and are seated at our table for two, we ordered our meals and drinks and then started to talk. Our drinks arrived and since we were talking quite romantically to each other, our words resolved in a lovely kiss over the table which lasted no more than 5 seconds. It was a beautiful moment, but was shortly ruined. After our delicious entree was finished, the waiter came over to clear out plates. As he was doing this he also informed us of some comments made by other patrons regarding our "behaviour".

"I'm really sorry gentlemen, but there has been a complaint from that table over there (the waiter then points to the table) with the family and children and they have told me that they did not want to expose their children to your kissing" the waiter explains to us. After looking around in the direction that the waiter pointed in, all we saw was one man sitting by himself, staring at my date and I as if he was threatening us. It was clear that it was indeed this man that had the problem, and not this "family" the waiter was speaking of.

The waiter then tells us "I'm really sorry guys, but you have two choices. One is to tone it down completely, or to sit outside where I can get you a very nice table under a heater." As we were pretty shocked and appalled, we chose the easier option in just sitting outside instead of making a big deal out of things. We get outside and the waiter pulls a table out from storage and takes us around the side of the restaurant (away from literally everyone and everything), pulls up two plastic chairs and that's all. No heater, no atmosphere, nothing. The only thing we were close to was the side of the restaurant were the chefs came out of to sit of their crates and smoke. This was metres away from our table and really removed the romantic atmosphere with the loud talking and smell of smoke being in our presence. (And yes, I do smoke, but I don't really like it being practically on my plate when I'm eating). After our meals, I went inside the restaurant to go to the toilet and on my way I was, once again, stared down by this guy and his friends (who were now sitting with him). So, just to be the smart ass that I am, I blew him a kiss as I walked pass. His reaction was quite hilarious! Haha

So, that's my story. It really disgusts me to know that I live in a world that is so discriminatory and ignorant. I'm not even going to get started in expressing my anger in this situation because it seriously isn't worth it. I've been venting about it ALL day and I think I will actually make myself sick if I start getting into it again. Fucking furious!

It's actually pretty funny how my mum reacted though. I told her last night and she was more furious than I was. So much so that rang the restaurant up this morning and complained herself. But more importantly she posted (and so did my sister) a very nasty review on a well reliable web source. I will link you to it at the end of this post. And even though they did make a very nasty review, someone else claiming to be the "family" that made the complaint, also posted a review sharing his view of the story. He claimed that we "had our tongues down each others throats" and behaving such actions that should be left "behind closed doors". This is absolutely not true! Just because we had a romantic and quick peck on the lips, doesn't mean we were "down each others throats". No one, gay or straight, would make out like that in a restaurant. No one. So his review of the story is a complete and utter lie. Some people can just get fucked. :)

Apart from that, though, I had a really amazing date, and things with this guy seem to be going SO well!! I'm really super happy with life at the moment and wouldn't have it any other way in the world. (: My date said something to me in the car as we reached my house that really make my heart skipping beats. "I think I'm falling in love with you, Jordan." he softly told me as he looked deep into my eyes.

I melted, and replied with the words "I think I am falling in love with you also, Sebastian."

Okay, I'll link you to something you HAVE to read! Enjoy!

Look under "Diner Reviews"
Mums post was titled "TOTALLY DISGUSTED!"
My sisters post was titled "Appalled"
And the fuck wit who claimed to be part of the "family" who complained made a post titled "GREAT PLACE!!"

Hope you're well!

http://www.urbanspoon.com/r/71/761235/restaurant/CBD/Max-Cafe-Bar-Melbourne

"Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up? Am I still your charm, or amI just bad luck? Are we getting closer, or are we just getting morelost? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours first. Let's comparescars, I'll tell you whose is worse. Let's unwrite these pages andreplace them with our own words."

At the moment I'm listening to "Swing Life Away - Rise Against".

Just in relation to what I'm listening to, many rumours have been going around that the lead singer of Rise Against had a sex change, but the truth is, this information is conerning the band "Against Me!" So, no sex change for Rise Against! Haha

And yeah, I'm doing quite well. Things with the guy I'm dating and myself are going quite smoothly. I'm VERY happy about that and seriously cannot wait to find out more about him and spend more time with him! :)
However, there is one little problem. This guy I'm dating (Let's refer to him as F) has had one single date with one of my close mates (Let's refer to him as R)...although he (F) is not interested in him (R), my mate (R) might be interested in my date (F). And my mate (R) doesn't know that we are dating yet. :/ Is this wrong that I'm continue to date him?? I really like him (F) and don't want to stop dating, but this other issue is just eating away inside me.
It's probably not even a big deal, and when my mate (R) eventually finds out I really hope that he (R) takes things well. I'm just a little confused, or even concerned! Hmmm :/

"Crowded streets are cleared away, one by one. Hollow heroes separate, as they run. You're so cold, keep your hand in mine. Wise men wonder, while strong men die. Show me how it ends, it's alright. Show me how defenseless you really are. Satisfied and empty inside, well, that's alright. Let's give this another try."

At the moment I'm listening to "So Cold (Acoustic) - Breaking Benjamin".

So, where do I begin? I guess I can begin with Uni and then lead to even more amazing news.

Uni has been pretty fun!! Haha, getting into the swing of things has been a little hard at first, but I was seriously craving some structure on the holidays, so I'm glad I have some now. My classes are pretty interesting, but my 8am starts on Wednesday are going to kill me. :/ Sign Language is also amazing! It's seriously the best thing in the world, so much fun and so useful!

Okay, so amazing news time. I have met someone. We've been talking for about 2-3 weeks and I had a first date with him yesterday after uni. He is this absolutely gorgeous Italian guy with beautiful brown eyes and just a stunning personality. I feel like this will work out. It seems different to most others I've dated. He seems really into me and is really affectionate and lovely. So hopefully it works out, though I'm not getting my hopes up just yet. :P

Hope you're well! :D

"And we make the same mistakes, we're always hanging on. Break the promises we're always leaning on, all this time spent waking up. Now I keep this line open to get this call from you, as you speak the words that keep me coming back to you. Now this time it's all different."

At the moment I'm listening to "Everchanging - Rise Against".

I'm at uni at the moment. Just finished my first tute for the day and just waiting around until my next one. Having a pretty crappy day to be honest. Woke up late this morning and tried to drive to the station. My car just would not start. So I got mum to drive me. Almost missed my bus (because I have to catch a fucking bus instead of a train because the train tracks are under construction where I live. And have a long day at uni. I just want to go home and sleep....

I'm sitting outside in the smokers courtyard at uni, trying not to smoke too much, but then again, also trying not to eat at all today.

I have no money to get food, and I'm trying to not eat for a while. Really need to lose weight. I'm so fucking hungry though. Oh well, I can get past this.

I know tomorrow is going to be a better day than today. Hope so. Really hope so. :D

"And I turn and scream "What am I here for?" The nurses yell "You were left at the door." I'm a stranger, someone left me for dead and I need to decide what to do next."

At the moment I'm listening to "Listen to your Friends - New Found Glory".

I'm feeling super fat. Today I weighed in at 101.5kgs. This is NOT acceptable and I don't want to ever be this size again. Starting from tomorrow when I get back into my uni routine, I am going to lose weight. Hardcore. It's not that I'm lacking motivation, it's just that I'm lacking self-control, and I need to take control now.!!!

Goal weight is still 80-85kgs and I am determined, now more than ever, to make that happen!!

Looking forward to uni though, but I also need to look good (:

Also, here are some lyrics of the song I'm listening to at the moment. I like it (:

"Listen to your Friends - New Found Glory"

I wake up in a waiting room
With the taste of blood
And a clouded view
I notice there is a tear in my jeans
The sleeves of my shirt have been ripped from their seams
My memory is a little bit blank
The thought of my name doesn't seem to come back
And I turn and scream "what am I here for?"
The nurses yell "you were left at the door"
I'm a stranger, someone left me for dead
And I need to decide what to do next

Oh
Just then I found a note in my pocket, it read:
"I don't ever wanna see you again" and I guess
That explains why I can't remember the rest of the night

I should have listened to my friends
I should have listened to them
When they told me you had bad intentions

I remember the string of events
From the dinner receipt
When a grabbed your hand
I know that you went in for a kiss
And I told you "that's not only what this is"
You held me at the end of my seat
And you had that look, the look of defeat
You wish that you could start this over
Instead you left me in a coma

Oh
Just then I found a note in my pocket, it read:
"I don't ever wanna see you again" and I guess
That explains why I can't remember the rest of the night

I should have listened to my friends
I should have listened to them
When they told me you had bad intentions

I should have listened to my friends
I should have listened to them
When they told me you had bad intentions

Oh
Just then I found a note in my pocket, it read:
"I don't ever wanna see you again" and I guess
That explains why I can't remember the rest of the night
Yeah

I should have listened to my friends
(and I don't ever wanna see you again)
I should have listened to them
When they told me you had bad intentions

I should have listened to my friends
(and I don't ever wanna see you again)
(LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS!)
I should have listened to them
When they told me you had bad intentions

When they told me you had bad intentions [x2]

:D

"A silhouette of you and me, just negative space and time. Just reference to a simpler history. I'd sacrifice a million nights for a moments peace with you. Reflections to dissect reality. It's all in what we hold as being real. When the symbol kills the substance then we've lost. Save me one more time and I'll be free from the alleyways of my heart."

At the moment I'm listening to "Velvet Alley - Strung Out".

I just hoped in the shower and my eyes noticed a realllllly fat guy in the mirror. Haha, oooops. I really need to start running again. I haven't for about a week because I just simply haven't had the time. I've also eaten terribly. It's really hard being on a diet when it's around the time of my birthday. :/

Anyways, I'm also really concerned for my mum. She had another break down yesterday because of our family being driven into poverty. Nothing seems to be working out for her at the moment. It's quite sad. And today, I put $150 into her account because I know she's struggling, and she found out and locked herself in her room. She wouldn't talk to me. Finally I got through to her and reassured her that things will and have to get better!

Which they will....right?

"Please forgive me for the sorrow, for leaving you in fear. For the dreams we had to silence, that's all they'll ever be. Still I'll be the hand that serves you though you'll not see that it is me. So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed. Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind? So many years have past, who are the noble and the wise? Will all our sins be justified?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Hand of Sorrow - Within Temptation".
Had a pretty cool week, feeling a little exhausted though. My birthday has been pretty fun, caught up with mates, saw some family and ate.... Quite a lot of unhealthy food. It's hard being on a diet or fitness routine when you have:
A) No time; and
B) A lot of big family gatherings all week complete with lots of delicious foods.
I'm still running, but I haven't been as much as I like this week for the reasons mentioned above. I also have come down with flu symptoms, so that's also slowed me down a little bit. The rest of this week and next week will be better though (: I'm well determined.

I'm also looking forward to catching up with uni mates this week for some quality music time and loads of laughter. I might also be performing at an open mic night on Thursday night. I'm a little nervous because I haven't done it in a while, but then again, super excited!!

There's nothing more exciting and amazing in this world (apart from cheese) than performing in front of a smiling crowd with a spotlight shining above your head as you sing your lungs out and strum until your fingers bleed.

Heaven. (:

"So go do what you like, make sure you do it wise. You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing was ever there. You can't go forcing something if it's just not right. No time to search the world around because you know where I'll be found, when I come around."

At the moment I'm listening to "When I Come Around - Greenday".

So, today's my birthday!!! Yay!! 19 years old today and SO excited that I can finally use my Green P Plates and carry more than one passenger around. However, with that comes more obligation to do so.... But I guess it can be fun until I run out of petrol! (:

I had a pretty sweet day, I had a lovely lunch with some close friends and then came home and had a nice dinner nc cake with my family. :) It's lovely to have a day with pure happiness.... However, I really must go for a run tomorrow because I ate a lot of unhealthy foods today. So I'm looking forward to that! (:

I'm also SUPER excited for the weekend because I'm going to see the new Batman movie! Ridiculously excited!!

Hope you're well! (:

"Live and let live. You'll be the show girl of the home team, I'll be the narrator telling another tale of the American dream. I see your name in lights, we can make you a star. Girl, we'll take the world by storm, It isn't that hard..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Dear Maria, Count me in - All Time Low".
Feeling pretty great at the moment. However, a little disappointed in myself over my midnight binge of like a kilo of potato gems...

Apart from that, I've been trying to get fit and healthy! So far I've been on two runs with this new running app I have. It works really well and is really motivational and inspiring! I've actually been enjoying it. My next run is tomorrow. My eating habits really need to improve, and fast, if I want this to work. I'm working on it, and it's definitely not getting me down. I'm feeling pretty happy and up-beat!
My tattoo is coming out pretty nicely. It's been over a week since I got it done and the scabbing is mostly gone. It's just a little itchy sometimes.... which is normal, but it looks good and is still a reminder that things have a way of working out.

Mum's still in Paris, but she comes back in 3 days. Really looking forward to see her! She was a little sad today when I spoke to her because it turns out that we won't be getting this house that she had hoped for. She was very disappointed, but she has to stop getting her hopes up so quickly, I guess. I'm not really fussed where we live, or this whole situation involving my mum and dad getting back together.... I like to look at it as "I'm moving out soon anyways." I guess if it makes my family happy, then I should be happy as well.

Two nights ago I decided to branch out my learning and I enrolled into a short Sign Language course. I'm quite excited in starting that because it has always been something that I was interested in doing.... and now, I guess I am. :) It's a 6 week course with one class a week for 2 hours. And it should even getting my confidence up in driving to and from the venue, which is about 30 minutes from my house. Hopefully once completing this course, even though it's at a beginners level, I can broaden my search for a future or present job. If I require more learning or skills I would be more than happy to go on and do the next 2 levels of the course. :P

My Birthday is also in a few days. I'm looking forward to catching up with my mates.... but most importantly, I'm looking forward to gaining my Green P Plates!!! FINALLY!! Drive-Ins here I come! :)

So overall, feeling pretty happy and I finally feel like my life is sorting itself into some sort of order. Hope you're well :D

"What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end, it doesn't even matter. I had to fall, to lose it all, but in the end It doesn't even matter."

At the moment I'm listening to "In the End - Linkin Park".

I'm sick and tired of being this fat. I'm very much looking forward to getting back into a routine consisting of exercise, fitness and healthy eating. I need to become a more healthier me (however, I'm not yet ready to quit smoking, it's the only bad habit I'm deciding to keep).

I need to do this for me, and I hope to god that I stick to it this time! I always seem to fall off the rails when it comes to things like this, but I'm determined to make this routine last!!

I am lacking a little bit of motivation to run, but I think that is mainly because I'm scared, embarrassed and shy to run in public in fear of others judgements.... It's a little stupid, I know, but I guess I'll just have to get over this fear and just keep pushing myself!!

I hope this works! :D

"So come and talk to me, on my computer screen, the best years of ourlives aren't as easy as they seem. But one day we'll look back and thenwe'll have to laugh, they used to call us names, now they want ourautograph. To get the girl, to make the grade, it's all a show, it’sall a game, and I would lose it if I played, it's all the same. So idon't care, what they say, i don't need them anyway, I'll just go aboutmy day. But anyway."

At the moment I'm listening to "The Click - Good Charlotte".

I've come to realise that even though last week was shit, this week won't be! I need to be happy, I need to be happy!!! I WILL be happy! I really want to now start looking at the positives in life more clearly and focus on the things that mean the most to me, not the things that bring me down in any way!!

And to start this off: I've been meaning to do this for a long time now, but I am absolutely sick and tired of seeing my self-harm scars and being reminded of all the negative things in my life and in my past! SO, yesterday I got a tattoo over them. This tattoo is an ambiguous raven figure with the word "Nevermore" shape inside of it! It's a reminder of how I used Edgar Allen Poe's poem. "The Raven" to distract me from doing anything bad again! This method helped me probably more than anything, and therefore being significant to me! The poem itself also symbolises a great loss of hope and spiralling into a dark place, but then being lifted back into reality! This tattoo will always remind me of how things will get better, eventually!!

Hope you're well! <3

"Do you get, do you get a little kick out of being small minded?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Fuck You - Lily Allen".

Well, I just had a pretty dredful day. I thought someone was quite special and genuinely nice.... which he really portrayed himself to be, I guess I was wrong. When someone is texting and talking to me consistently for about a week, making me so happy, feeling like I actually had a place in this world, and then suddenly, completely out of the blue, they start to ignore you, and then you ask why, and they ignore you some more, even though you know they're there; this upsets me. I'm somewhat furious. .... So I guess I can't trust anyone.

Last night I had a very severe anxiety/panic attack. It was the first one I've had in about 7-9 months and it was absolutely terrible. Couldn't breathe, couldn't stop shaking, was feeling numb, hot and cold all at the same time. I got up out of bed and went to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and then I felt like I needed to vomit, so I went to the toilet but as I walked into the toilet I started seeing blots and spots in my eyes, and my heart was racing incredibly fast. Next thing I know I woke up on the floor next to the toilet, I think I might have bumped my head on the way down. Then I vommited a little bit and syumbled back to bed where I got no sleep because I was shaking too much and had a splitting headache.

Woke up this morning with a very bad migrain! It was definitely not a fun experience. But today's experience and disappointment with life was more upsetting. Sometimes you just need to bleed just to know if you're alive.

Not a very fun day. At all. Fuck this.

"You took your coat off and stood in the rain, you're always crazy like that. And I watched from my window, always felt I was outside, looking in on you. You're always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair. You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care."

At the moment I'm listening to "Foolish Games - Jewel".
Feeling extraordinary happy these past couple of days. Something that could potentionally be quite special has finally hit me and I'm definitely starting to become a more happier person. So, that's definitely some good news! I'm actually quite excited for the next 3 weeks, mum is now in Paris and I have the house to myself..... well, with the exception of my dad coming whenever he feels like it.... now that he has keys. :/

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Tonight kicks it off with mates, movies and drinking. Then tomorrow night I have a family birthday dinner followed by going to the city for a good night out! Recovering on sunday! :)

As lame as this next bit sounds, I don't care.... My knitting is going quite well! I've made a lovely scarf and some wicked fingerless gloves!! My next project is a breanie, and I also need to make some gloves for mum when she gets back. Hopefully she'll like the design I'm thinking of doing :)

Anyways, hope you're all well! <3

"But under skinned knees and the skid marks, past the places where you used to learn, you howl and listen, listen and wait for the echoes of angels who won't return."

At the moment I'm listening to "Everything you want - Vertical Horizons".

Still feeling somewhat emotionless regarding the news of my family. Mum says its for the best because we're struggling to make ends meet. I'm sick of her crying each and every day! Things need to get better soon because I'm not coping. At all.

Looking back over my blog. Exactly a year ago I was incredibly happy. What the fuck happened??

On an unrelated topic, however, 8 days of knitting has finally payed off and I'm loving my new red scarf!! :-)

Hope you're well!

"Their anger hurts my ears, been running strong for seven years. Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them, It makes no sense at all. I see them everyday, we get along, so why can't they? If this is what he wants and this is what she wants, then why is there so much pain?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Stay Together for the Kids - Blink 182".
Quite a relevent song after the news I heard tonight. Okay, so, my parents have officially made it that they're getting together, and not only are they getting back together, but we are all going to move house and live together.

I'm feeling a bit blank at the moment, like, I don't really feel anything...

I'm feeling a bit happy for mum, but I also don't want to see her hurt ever again. And one reason why we have to move house is so that they can combine their incomes and we won't have to struggle anymore. Apparently, mum and I will have had to move out soon anyways because we won't be able to afford this house for much longer. I'm VERY sick of moving houses, I think 19 times is enough for me. This move will be the 20th time of moving, and I am honestly tired and don't have the emotional energy to do it.... but I guess I'll have to. I really don't know how to feel at the moment...

Appart from this, I don't really have anything else to report.

"But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you. They try to pullme away, but they don't know the truth. My heart's crippled by the veinthat I keep on closing. You cut me open and I keep bleeding."

At the moment I'm listening to "Bleeding Love (Cover) - Boyce Avenue".
So, I'm finally free! All my exams are now over and all the money I have been saving for my car insurance and registration has been payed off! I can finally start enjoying my holidays, I'm super excited!!

I'm really excited to start hitting the gym hard one again, and also just to relax and get my life in order!
I'm currently extremely buggered after a long weekend up at my dads place pulling apart his shed with my bare hands, every muscle in my body aches.. :/ Mum also kind of hinted that they might be getting back together...and that we might be moving house.... Maybe even with him... All of us together?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!? I don't really need all of this bullshit right now in my life, so it's in the process of being permanently ignored.
In more brighter news, I've joined a proper dating site recently to try and meet people.... I figured that my mate and I are probably never going to work out because he doesn't have feelings for me....so I might as well start living my life despite the fact that I have extremely strong feelings for him... Oh well. Meeeeeh!
I've also started knitting as a hobby. Lame, I know. So far I've just knitted this .... Round(ish) thing (Photo below).... No idea what it's meant to be... Perhaps a beard warmer?

Anyways, hope you're well. :D

"Remember the time we wrote our names upon the wall? Remember the timewe realised "Thriller" was our favourite song? Have I waited too long?Have I found that someone? Have I waited too long to see you?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Hit or Miss - New Found Glory".

Currently lying in bed. Wide awake. Had too much to eat tonight and didn't have any chance to throw it up... Just got back home now and had dinner about 5 hours ago.... It would have already digested and be practically impossible to vomit it up. This is REALLY disappointing because I feel extremely guilty and fat at the moment.. Hopefully I can make up for tonight's over-eating over the next few days... But so far I've lost 5.6kgs in roughly 6 weeks. I'm quite happy with that! ...just not happy tonight very much.
I went to see a movie tonight: Prometheus. It wasn't very good, at all.... So that was a bit of a downer as well...

I have my last exam on Wednesday... I can't wait to get it over and done with so I can relax!! So excited! I also finished and handed in my last music assignment for the semester (a developed song). Here's the lyrics to it:

"A Beautiful Anarchy - Jordan Hinton"

"[Verse 1]:
I want to know what it's like to be in love.
I want to feel your arms in mine.
I want to sing and strum a chord until my hands go numb
I want everything to do with you
[Chorus]:
I need to change myself again
What is it like to be free?
I need to love you again
But I'm stuck in this beautiful anarchy

[Verse 2]:
I want to know why you never returned my calls
I'm asleep on the sidelines of life
I wrote a note to you that said "Tonight we disappear."
I knew we felt no comfort here

[Chorus]:
I need to change myself again
What is it like to be free?
I need to love you again
But I'm stuck in this beautiful anarchy
[Bridge/Outro]:
I understand you've gone away
But I just can't find the words to say
I miss you, I miss you

It's just a beautiful anarchy..."

....the lyrics are pretty average, and I don't think I'll get a high distinction like my last song... But the melody is pretty! Which is kind of cool (:

Hope you're well :D

"Everybody put up your hands, say "I don't wanna be in love, I don't wanna be in love"..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Dance Floor Anthem - Good Charlotte".

It's been a very average week. I've done a little bit of study, but I mainly need to write a whole new song tomorrow before 5pm and hand it in. That's caused a little bit of stress... But what is causing the most stress is the study I am trying to do in preparation for my final exam next week.

Above all this, I've been trying to keep my weight under control... But I'm just not seeing any results..... I haven't really eaten anything in so long either. :S I'm actually enjoying vomiting each and every night.... I'm disgusted in myself... But I can't see myself stopping. I guess I'm addicted? :S it just feels so satisfying doing it each night in the shower as soon as dinner is over! It's part of my routine now, I guess. It's just a shame that I haven't seen any dramatic results yet. :S

On an unrelated note, I really wish I had someone special to hold on cold nights like this. I'm feeling pretty lonely in life, I guess....

"I’ll destroy this useless heart, I’ll fuck it up so it’ll never beat again, not just for me but for anyone. But I get carried away with every phrase and made up melody. The longer I hide behind these lies, the more I disintegrate. There's so much to say but no words to convey the loneliness building with each passing day. You never get used to it, you just have to live with it."

At the moment I'm listening to "Broken Heart - Motion City Soundtrack".

Feeling pretty average lately to be honest. But honestly, feeling a little bit better. I'm a little disappoints that I haven't lost a lot of weight recently though, I have really eaten a whole meal and kept it down for a couple of weeks now and I still look the same.... Which is odd considering every other time in my life when I've done this, I could notice a difference, even if it was little... Hmmmmm..

AND, you know what's REALLY gross?!?!? Chucking up rice and a really hot Indian curry!! It hurts and burns A LOT! I severely don't recommend it! :D

On another topic, I'm pretty excite that I only have 1 exam left next week!! And I've applied for loads of jobs! Hopefully I can get one!! :P Here's hoping!

Hope you're well! :D

"I wanna run, but only far enough to make you miss me. I wanna take back all the shit that I have done, but I guess you were better off without me. I need to start to be myself cause I'm sick of everybody else. I won't let you bring me down, it's here and now, I'm breaking out. I will learn to love again, but I will stand a broken man."

At the moment I'm listening to "Broken man - Boys like Girls".

I'm having a little bit of writers block at the moment... I guess, I don't really know what to write. Should I continue to write about my pathetic excuse of a life? Should I write about my relationship confusions and heartaches? Should I talk about the fact that I haven't had a proper meal for over a week, and anything I did eat I ended up throwing up? Should I talk about my life goals and how all of them are incomplete? Should I talk about my exes and how much more attractive they are than me? Should I talk about my childhood, my abusive father and the fact that I was sexually harassed by my female cousin? Should I talk about how much I wished I was straight just to be "normal"? Should I talk about the possibility of my parents getting back together?

I'm sick of talking about the same thing over and over again on this blog! And I bet you're all sick of hearing it. I don't even know If you're reading this, but If you are, I'm sorry for you guys. You have to constantly put up with a stupid fuck like myself.

One thing I would like to talk about is the fact that I think I might be losing one of my closest mates. I have known her since the beginning and she has helped me endlessly throughout my life. I haven't seen her or even spoken to her properly since the start of the year. I don't want to jump to conclusions right away, but I just feel like I'm dragging her down and for that, she doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. I don't think I have spent quality time with her, one-on-one, in about 3 or 4 years. It's extremely saddening and heartbreaking to know that she is enjoying her life with her new mates, some of my mates, and (this probably isn't true) but it just seems like I'm being left out, forgotten, abandoned.

Fuck life. Nothing will ever get better, falling downhill is a lot faster than pulling yourself back up, so why the fuck not accept the fact that things will never be different.

"Never thought I'd say I'm sorry, never thought I'd be the one to bringyou down. Now, when I look out my window, but there doesn't seem to beanyone around. And I, I think I'll change my ways, so all your wordsget noticed. Tomorrow's a brand new day. Tomorrow's a new day."

At the moment I'm listening to "Brand New Day - Forty Foot Echo".

Watching Eurovision at the moment on TV, fuck there is some talent out there!! So inspiring! :-)

I weighed myself today. It looks like my "diet" is paying off. I haven't eaten a proper meal (and kept it down) for about a week now! In just over a month I have lost 4.5kgs and 3cm off my stomach! Lovely news!

I also made SO much food today! I was in my cooking mood! Haha! I made homemade hamburgers for dinner, with homemade chips and homemade mayo. Then for desert I made yummy Choc-chip and Peanut butter cookies! (Photos Below).

Then after all this, my mum and I made dinner and desert for tomorrow night. :)

..it's just a shame that all the lovely food I ate today wasn't in my body for more than 10 minutes.
Oh well (: Happy reading!