"Her breath began to speak as she stood right in front of me. The colour of her eyes were the colour of insanity. Crushed beneath her wave like a ship, I could not reach her shore. We're all just dancers on the Devil's Dance Floor."

 

At the moment I'm listening to "Devil's Dance Floor - Flogging Molly".
Wow, today is a pretty damn special day for this blog. Today's post marks the 2 year anniversary of this blogs first ever post!!! How exciting!! What's not too exciting, however, is the fact that I'm missing out on Uni today, and possibly tomorrow, due to being sick. I am currently rugged up in bed with a nice warm cup of tea! :)

I think I'm going to write this post practically the same as exactly how I wrote it this time last year. :)

So far, from the 11th of April last year, I have:

• Started and completed my first year of University.
• Enrolled and completed 2 semesters of a Sign Language (AUSLAN) class.
• Had a lot of sex.
• Got really drunk.
• Enjoyed myself.
• Gained some awesome new mates.
• Lost some old friends.
• Moved house.
• Dealt with the issues of my parents.
• Got a tattoo.
• Got an amazing Job.
• Got promoted in said Job!
• Fell in love.
• Still in love.
• Entered a committed relationship (almost 8 months now).
• Celebrated Christmas, Easter, and Birthday's with my partner and his family.
• Lost weight.
• Gained weight.
• Hated the sight of myself.
• Thought about committing suicide.
• Didn't attempt to commit suicide.
• Gotten better.
• Had my fair share of shit days.
• Had my fair share of great and amazing days!!!

The main bands that got me from April 11th last year until now:

• Alkaline Trio
• A Day to Remember
• Panic! At the Disco
• Rise Against

Quote of the year from April 2012 to April 2013:

• "Without music, life would be a mistake".

Pickup line of the year from April 2012 to April 2013:

• "Baby, I wish I was your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves!"

Movies I've enjoyed from April 2012 to April 2013:

• Pitch Perfect
• Saw 7
• The Dark Knight Rises
• Skyfall
• The Faculty
• Harry Potter (1-7)

Lyrics of the year from April 2012 to April 2013:

• "Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer? Never looked better, and you can't stand it!"
• "And it feels like heaven's so far away!"
• "I'm always screaming my lungs out till my head starts spinning. Playing my songs is the way I cope with life. Won't keep my voice down. Know the words I speak are the thoughts I think out loud."
• "Believe in what I am, because it's all that I have today."

Overall, from April 2012 to April 2013, it has been pretty great! Creating my blog 2 years ago was the best thing I have probably ever done. It gives me so much satisfaction to read over my previous posts and see how much I have actually changed as a person.

Hope you're all well! :) Love you all!

- Jordan.

"Distorted is my silhouette, tainted, starved, and desperate. There'sno easy fix for this that I cannot control. I'm breaking apart at thesoul! Like all good dreams you wind up dead, All those promises I neverkept. I laugh and you will cry again and again and again and again.These simple things I just can't say, Remove the you from you and me. Istand to bring you to your knees, again and again and again."

At the moment I'm listening to "I'm only here to disappoint - Alkaline Trio".
Firstly, I apologise for posting a little later than usual. I've been super flat out and honestly have not had the time.

So lets start with Easter! So much chocolate, yet so little time. Haha! Actually, this Easter was a lot better than previous Easters I've had in the past. Usually my Easter consist of cramming seeing every family member on the one single day, it was hell. But this year was actually nice and relaxing. It was my boyfriends birthday on Good Friday, and my sisters birthday on Easter Sunday. So it was just immediate family this Easter, which was just great! Had a lot of fun (:

After Easter was pretty good as well because I had a week off from uni. It was pretty great catching up with my boy and spending time with him and his mates! Had a few parties, got a bit of alcohol in me, and was cruising right through the night. (: sometimes I wish moments could last forever.

What has been a bit of a pain though, is the amount of fucking homework I have been doing over the past week. It's getting into the hard stages of uni now, and they mean it when they mention there will be a lot of work.

Speaking of work, I am VERY pleased to announce that I have been promoted to Bar Supervisor with my job!! It's seriously the best news ever, especially because it's exactly the same work, but with better hours and better pay. :)

In some more music related news, the title of my post today has come from a new album I downloaded a couple of days ago from my all time favourite band; Alkaline Trio.

Their new album is titled 'My Shame Is True' and I must say that it is a VERY clever and well written album, SOOOOO much better than there last original album 'This Addiction'.

Highly recommended!

Hope you're well! :)

"This place is so empty, my thoughts are so tempting. I don’t know how it got so bad. Sometimes it’s so crazy that nothing can save me, but it’s the only thing that I have. If you believe it’s in my soul, I’d say all the words that I know, just to see if it would show that I’m trying to let you know... that I’m better off on my own."

At the moment I'm listening to "Pieces - Sum 41".
My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 7 months of being together yesterday. I honestly can't believe I've been in a relationship for 7 months, with the perfect guy.

There are some negative things on my mind though about how we both sit in this relationship, and I really need to get it off my chest. Some of this next bit is my honest feelings, but sometimes honesty can be a little bit overwhelming and selfish, but then again, I can't help how I feel.

Firstly, my boyfriend forgot to give me a 7 months card. I know this doesn't seem like a big deal at all, but we both decided from day one that we will exchange cards with our feelings for each other on each month until our 1 year. This isn't the first time he's forgotten to give me a card, he also forgot to give me a 4 months card, but our 4 months also fell around the same time as Christmas. So that's understandable. But this time it just kind of hurt a little bit for me to give him a card and not receive one in return.

Once he realised he forgot to get me one (which because he didn't have time to get one... But.. It only takes about 2 minutes to buy a card..) he quickly whipped up an "E-card". And don't get me wrong, it was really thoughtful, but It would have been really nice to receive a normal card on the day.

I know this whole situation might sound a bit ridiculous, and I'm honestly not even that pissed off about it, it just got to me yesterday. But it's not like I'm going to hold a grudge against him or anything! Haha.

And another issue that has been making me feel a bit frustrated/upset is our sex life. And just a warning, this next bit may be perceived as selfish, but it's just how I feel.

Before I was with my boyfriend, I was having sex (full on sex) on a fortnightly basis, roughly. But the past 7 months have been a bit of a shock to my system considering my boyfriend is a virgin. And of course I am respectful of that fact, and I do understand what it's like to be in the situation where you only want to have sex when you're ready. It's only normal to feel like that. It's just a little hard knowing that when we entered our relationship, we were both at polar opposite ends on having a sex life. I accepted this fact when I entered our relationship, but now that it's 7 months in, and barely any improvement has been made, I'm finding it a little harder to deal with.

At about 4 months in our relationship we were both comfortable with each other naked, and started to understand how each other worked. It was also around this time when my boyfriend told me that he didn't like giving head. Which is fair enough, we all have our dislikes when it comes to sex acts.

My frustration is driven from the fact that it's been 7 months and I feel like every time we engage in sexual activity, all I feel like I'm doing is jacking myself off with someone else in the room. And since it's been about 8 or 9 months since I've had actual sex, it's getting really hard to just keep doing the same routine over and over again (especially since most of the time, he doesn't work...I guess you can say our sex life is a bit of a 'flop').

Now, in saying all of this, I'm not for one second suggesting that I want him to have sex with me right now, otherwise it's over! I'm NOT saying this at all! I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring him, and I honestly don't think I am, I have been nothing but patient in the sex department for 7 months, and I have also been very understanding of what it's like to be in that situation.

Another main thing that is making me frustrated is the fact that last night I told him that when he's ready to give actual sex a go, I will be more than willing to be both a bottom (the receiver) and a top (the giver) because everyone deserves to know what both feels like. However, since I have had a lot of sex before, and am already aware of what my body best performs with (being a top), I told him that I will definitely not be the bottom in this relationship. I have my reasons for not wanting to be a bottom, and it's mainly because I just don't like doing it (just like how he doesn't like giving head, and I've respected that, and am fine with him not doing it), and it really isn't a pleasurable experience for me. It's mainly a horrible experience for me.

So, in the long run, I hope and pray he turns out to be a bottom so our sex life can actually work and not be a miserable disaster. If he doesn't ending up being a bottom, It might effect our sex life greatly, but then again, if he chooses to be a top, I wouldn't blame him. Because after all, I prefer it too and will understand his reasons for not being a bottom.

This part of our sex life I will probably not negotiate with. I've already chosen who I am, and how I act in my sex life. It's not up to him.

I hope you're well, hope you enjoyed this read about my sex life... Haha!

"My addiction, my illness, my only trusted friend. My addiction, my illness, my only childhood fiend. Your twisted warm embrace engulfing all I tried to be. My body's breaking under arms that will not set me free. Bring out your dead!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Bring Out Your Dead - Strung Out".
It's been a while since my last post. Which is a little unusual for me. This last week and a bit hasn't been too eventful (which is why I haven't really posted).

Yesterday was a bit of a lovely day and night though. My boyfriend and I went to the 'Melbourne Queer Film Festival' which was really fantastic. First we went out for a lovely dinner in the city, and then went to see our movie called "Bear City 2: The Proposal". With a title like that I guess you would suspect that it would be a porn film. However, it wasn't. It was a really excellent. Practically like a gay bear version of Sex and the City. It was hilarious, and even the crowd that went to see it was hilarious. I've never seen so many bald, big, and hairy gay men and couples in the one cinema before. And it also felt like a really welcoming place for gay people to be, it's quite rare to see a gay couple holding hands or cuddling in a movie cinema. It was truly a really fun night (:

On a bit of a down note though, the situation involving my dad being an absolute price hasn't changed one bit, as suspected. I'm quite used to my dad treating me like shit, but I'm definitely not used to is mum doing the same.

This morning at 5:30am my mum and I were having a screaming match mainly because she doesn't like I help out around the house (petty shit to be arguing about, I know) when In fact I do. And she knows that I do! I personally think the only reason she decided to scream at me this morning is because she Is having a fight with dad, and as usual, taking out her anger on me.

It's really not fucking fair, and I am desperately waiting for that one wonderful day in my life when I have enough money to move out! I really don't like living at home, and I really want my own independence without having to deal with my fucking parents problems!!

"And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm. If you're broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now."

At the moment I'm listening to "Lego House - Ed Sheeran".

I'm feeling both of two things equally at the moment: Upset and Relieved.

Relieved: I am feeling relieved because my boyfriend and I managed to sort out another one of our fights. This fight was a fairly big one, and many hurtful, yet some truthful things were said, but I'm very glad that we have both taken things on board with each other and have resolved the fight. It also makes me really happy to notice that we are both learning from our mistakes and are growing more as a couple because these fights that we're having are becoming more and more rare than common. This is the first fight (proper fight) that we have had in about a months time. Which is actually really great considering there was a time when we were having them once or twice a week. So, I'm very relieved about this!

Upset: I am feeling upset at my dad. If you read my previous post, I mentioned that he told my sister and I that he wanted to have a chat with us about how to fix things and take on board our feelings towards him. I was not looking forward to this chat AT ALL because I know that my father NEVER learns, and is quite not used to taking criticism directed at him.

Without putting too much detail into this post (because to be honest I'm sick or repeating this story to people) I'm going to keep it short and simple. Basically, he was just rude. He didn't take on board anything that my sister and I discussed with him. He was yelling, screaming and carrying on at us, and also relayed everything back on my mum and kept saying that it was her fault. I mainly kept quiet because I really didn't want to be there and wanted it to be over as soon as possible, but the only things I did (try to) discuss with him was just how I felt like I've never had a father in my life.. Even giving clear examples and VALID examples to support my harsh statement, in which I still believe is true.. But he just didn't want to hear it.

Instead of taking what I said to him on board, he just kept asking me "Would you prefer it if I left?", "Were you happier living with just you and Mum?" And "Tell me how I can be the perfect father?".

To me, those kinds of questions should NOT be asked by a father to his son. Especially "Would you be happier if I left?"... I mean.. How does one respond to that? In my head all I wanted to say was a big fat YES... But I know if I did, he would have packed his bags and left, and I would have been feeling guilty for the rest of my fucking life. So, I responded by telling him the it was a really unfair and hurtful question to ask your son. And if course, he cracked the shits and stormed off.

Even now, when the argument was a few days ago, he is still asking me, and is still being a royal prick to me, 24/7. I can't really do much about it now besides wait, and see what happens.

Hope you're all well and wonderful (:

"I wanted you to know, I love the way you laugh. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away. I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Broken - Seether".
Wow, this week has been a bit amazing! I finally started uni and am started to get back into the swing of things. I really needed to go back to uni to actually get some form of structure back into my life.

My classes are fantastic this semester, and I'm only in 3 days a week, which is great! This week is going to be a pretty busy one though. Working 3 nights this week and having uni 3 days will be a bit of a struggle, but it will be worth it when I get my pay check! Haha! :)

A couple of days ago I had Soundwave, which is a pretty big punk/rock/metal music festival in Australia. I saw several of my all time favourite bands all in the one day, and it was ... Well, it was just... Beyond words. It was probably the most fun I've had in a very long time!!

I've got a pretty eventful and exciting year coming up. My sisters wedding is fast approaching. And today, my boyfriend and I decided that we want to go on holiday in the middle of the year, so we're traveling interstate to Tasmania for 5 days! I honesty can't wait, it's going to be a fuck load of fun! :)

On a bit of a shit note though, my mum and dad have had an awkward silence going on for about a week and a half now. The thing is though, they decided to go see a psychologist together, and I guess it's working... For now.

I've lost count how many times they've done this, and in the long run, my dad just keeping going back to his same shitty self. I'll give it a couple of weeks.

What's even worse though, is he wants to sit my sister and I down on Wednesday night to have "a talk". This "talk" is something we usually have with dad every couple of years when he realises of how much of a crap father he has been to my sister and I. He just apologises, and we are practically forced to tell him how we really feel about him. It never ends up well, and things change, but only for about a week or two before he goes back to being the "father" we've always known him to be.

So, yeah, I'm really not looking forward to that, and I really, honestly, genuinely, and truly am ready and want to move out, either by myself or with my boyfriend. Living at home is getting a bit too much for me to deal with, and I just want a bit more freedom that I believe everyone needs.

So, when I earn a better and more stable income, or work full time, that's when I'll be completely free from most of the negative stressors in my life.

Hope you're all well (:

"Now I'm of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret. Somewhere downtown where a burlesque queen may even ask my name. As she sheds her skin on stage, I'm seated and sweating to a dance song on the club's P.A. The strip joint veteran sits two away, smirking between dignified sips of his dignified peach and lime daiquiri."

At the moment I'm listening to "But it's better if you do - Panic! At the Disco".

This week has been pretty tough. I'm feeling like a little kid lost in a big supermarket. I feel like my parents don't care for me, don't acknowledge my efforts, don't understand my life, and don't realise I'm lost.

I have had 2 quite major anxiety attacks this week. I haven't had an anxiety or panic attack in a very long time. It was pretty horrible. Couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't move or stop shaking. I guess sometimes things just get a little too much for my body to handle, so that's what it does to handle the pain.

All week I have don't nothing besides cleaning the house for mum and making sure everything is nice in the house. Since my dad is an absolute misogynistic, sexist, unhelpful, and lazy pig, he always believes that my mum will do all the cooking, cleaning, and housework. He's very traditional in that sense, and it ducking disgusts me. Mum also hates it. He does absolutely nothing for this family besides providing us with money.

So since my mum has been interstate for work for the last week, I have been in change of being the "housewife" (but don't get me wrong, I do enjoy cooking and sometimes cleaning). I don't really have a problem of cleaning up mess if it's MINE, but when I have to constantly, day after day, clean the house spotless, go to bed, then wake up to find out that it's filthy, it really fucking sucks. My dad really needs to fucking help around the house instead of coming home with his dirty, muddy boots on and leaving a trail on my perfectly mopped floor, then expecting dinner on his fucking lap whilst he watches TV without even saying hello to me.

I'm used to dad being a cunt, but I'm mostly upset at mum tonight for screaming at me for not doing the 3 tiny dishes left in the sink after dinner (which she actually forgot to make for me because she was SO focused on making dads perfect dinner. Do I even exists?). All she does is complain that I don't help out around the house, and that fucking hurts. She didn't even acknowledge the effort I put in to making the house look nice, or even thank me for washing all her dirty clothes over the past week. I'm used to feeling invisible from dad, but definitely not from mum.

Is it normal to be constantly visualising how wonderful life would be if I moved out? If only I had the money, I'd do it in a fucking heart beat.

"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, but though you're still with me, I've been alone all along."

At the moment I'm listening to "My Immortal - Evanescence".

So, let me tell you about my weekend. All good intentions were there, however reality kicked in, and it didn't end up being a very good weekend.

Firstly, my boyfriend and I had one of his mates birthday in the city one night. Now, I know I've mentioned on here before how much I hate clubbing or just being in the city at night drinking with a big crowd, but this post just piles on top of my feelings towards the city at night.

The night started okay, it was mainly just sitting around in silence thinking of what to do next. Then came the typical events of a night in the city: Extremely drunk people, and copious amounts of drugs, followed by drama, leading to disappointment. So, without it becoming too late into the night, I (being the sober one) had to take care of people, as well as making sure my boyfriend was having a good time, which he wasn't. The night ended early and we went home in disappointment.

I honestly cannot stand going to the city and getting drunk to have "fun". In fact, I have a list as to why I hate it:

- Waste of money
- Drinks are too expensive
- Always worrying on how to get home
- Constantly taking care of drunk or stoned people
- Always end up in the middle of drunk drama
- The group you go out with always split up and go into separate and smaller groups (making it near impossible to "catch up" as originally planed)
- Terrible music
- Always being forced to do things I'm not comfortable with doing (ie: dancing)
- Bouncers to clubs generally make their own rules and decides who can actually get into the venue (Example: if you've been sweating from a long walk you can't come in because you're "drunk". Example 2: You're not allowed in wearing shorts on a hot summers night. Example 3: You're not allowed in if you don't have enough girls with you... Etc etc!!)
- The crowd of people who are generally at clubs and pubs are only looking to hook up or dance
- The crowd of people also are usually very stereotypically "attractive", which is only judged by the bouncer as he lets you in (Making it a cruel prejudice for "ugly" people, just because the bouncer claims so)

... And the list goes on. Now that I'm in a relationship, I don't see the point of going out to the city. The only purpose people do it is to hook up, or dance. And I don't dance. I don't see how it is "fun" at all, and I don't plan on going again for a very long time. I'd rather a bottle of vodka and a pack of smokes in my backyard with my mates listening to good music, wearing whatever we want any day!!

So, the day after clubbing my boyfriend and I were supposed to go to one of my mates surprise party in the city during the day. However, I decided to not go because I just knew that the night before would be such an emotional disaster that I just wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. I feel really bad though because this party was organised long in advance, and I was really looking forward to it. It kind of sucks that I had to go out the night before. I don't think my boyfriend was up for going to my mates party either, so I just cancelled... I'm fine with just seeing his mates I guess..

And to end the weekend.. Today we had my boyfriends cousins birthday. It was an okay day, but I just felt completely lost. I really felt like I didn't belong. And I guess it really doesn't help when all everyone was talking about was World Of Warcraft.

I have no interest what-so-ever in fantasy reality games. And I especially don't approve that people would pay money each month to keep living in a fantasy reality game. It's actually pretty ridiculous that some people will spend more money, time, and effort into a fantasy game than they do on themselves or their partners. Why spend so much of your time creating a virtual life when you can constantly change and create YOUR OWN LIFE?!?

I just don't get it.

1:30am and I'm wide awake. Hope you're well.

"She caterpillar so good that all the greeks go "killa". Break and enter, take ya like a glass of milk then "spill ya". Saw her coming, what a scene, what I mean is she got that sex coffee beam, but she tastes like vanilla."

At the moment I'm listening to "Sly - The Cat Empire".
What a lovely, but expensive week it's been!

Firstly I had to take my mum into hospital for an operation. It went about 2 hours longer than expected (only was supposed to be a 20 minute operation) which really started to freak me and my family out. However, the results came back a couple of days ago and everything turned out benign, which is fantastic!

Then on the weekend I went to a festival in the city which was absolutely lovely (not so lovely to my wallet though). We sat around, enjoyed the sun, listened to live music, and went on carnival rides. It made me really happy (:

On a side note, recently I read this book called "I can make you thin" by "Paul McKenna". It took me about 2 hours to complete it, and honestly, it just makes sense. I've tried diets before, but this book is strictly against diets. He claims that diets make you put on more weight than you originally were. There are only 4 rules in this book for "guaranteed weight loss". They're a lot simpler than I thought, and they actually seem to be working for me. I just need to stick to them. It's a VERY good and well written book, I highly recommend it!!

Also, today is the one day of the year most loathed by single people: Valentines day! However, this is my first valentines day that I have spent not being single, but instead, being a loving and committed relationship. It was such a perfect day complete with a lovely dinner with live music. Nothing like it. (:

Romance is definitely not dead.

Thanks for reading. <3

"And there's nothing wrong with me, this is how I'm supposed to be. In a land of make believe, that don't believe in me."

At the moment I'm listening to "Jesus of Suburbia - Green Day".
The week that has just passed has been a pretty good one. A busy one, but a good one. On the weekend that passed I sold a lot of clothing and other items at a market near the beach. It was a fantastic day! Lots of fun, and made myself just over $1000 which I have put away in a separate bank account for my holiday fund.

My boyfriend and I have decided that it would be too hard to go on holiday this year, so we've begun to start saving for a nice big holiday we can both enjoy and afford for next year. I really can't wait, I'm just going to keep saving, and I'll make it happen!

It's been also good to just laze around at home for the last few days, I really needed a few days just to relax. However I'm also kind of forced to stay home for a few reasons. One of being that my back is playing up. I'm finding it really hard to sleep and find a comfortable position to lye down without my back absolutely aching, almost to the point of tears. It's really bad, and the only explanation I have for it is my weight being too heavy for my back. I have put a bit of this month, and I'm really not proud of it, but I'm coping with it a lot better than I usually do. I don't really care about it as much as I should though, I just know that I'm too happy to constantly worrying about how much food I put in my mouth... But I really should keep being conscious of my portions sizes. Another reason as to why I'm home is because I'm taking care of my mum and helping out a lot around the house. Mums really sick and the moment, (mostly in her "privates") but it's making things a little difficult around the house. I'm driving into hospital in 2 days for her to have an operation because the doctor claims that she has "abnormal tissue cells" or something like that..... There's a possibility it could be cancerous, but we just don't know yet until after the operation on Friday. I really hope it isn't, because seeing my mum go through having cancer again will be very hard for everyone to cope with.

On a brighter note, my boyfriend and I seem to be fixing a few things between us. We're getting a bit better and are finding ourselves to me a lot happier around each other and enjoying each others company a lot more. :) His parents came over for dinner last night to meet mine. I was extremely nervous at first, but overall it was such a lovely night. They're such amazing people, and they've made me feel very comfortable in there home. :)

Valentines day is coming up soon as well! I'm taking my boyfriend out for a very lovely dinner, and also buying him something very special and memorable as a combined present for our 6 months and Valentines day.

My first valentines day not being single, I honestly cannot wait.

Hope you're all well and lovely! (:

"Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems. Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. All I know is I love you too much to walk away though. Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk. Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk? Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball, next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the dry wall. Next time? There will be no next time! I apologise, even though I know it's lies. I'm tired of the games, I just want her back, I know I'm a liar. If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again, I'mma tie her to the bed, and set this house on fire!"

At the moment in listening to "Love the way you lie (cover) - A Skylit Drive".
I'm definitely feeling much more relaxed at the moment. I've just spent the last two days barely doing a thing, and I think it has been a well deserved break considering how busy I've been over the last 3 weeks. (:

But as if tomorrow, my break is over. I'm planning to do a stall at a market on the weekend and sell a lot of things I have around the house. (Mainly woman's shoes). Hopefully I can earn enough money to go away to LA with my boyfriend this year.
If I don't end up getting the money, I'll just keep saving up so we can go next year (:

I have a big future to look forward to. I just hope I can remember that when I'm feeling down.

Hope you're well. (:

"Cause we're just under the upper hand, and go mad for a couple of grams. And she don't want to go outside tonight. And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland, or sells love to another man. It's too cold outside for angels to fly."

At the moment I'm listening to "The A Team (cover) - Boyce Avenue".
I know it's been a while since my last post, I'm trying my hardest to keep posting at least once a week! I honestly cannot believe how busy my life has been in January! I'm so used to just lying in bed all day and relaxing, but looking at my diary now, I realise that I have only had 3 single days to myself for the whole year. But the other 20 days of the year so far have been extraordinarily busy for me. Between trying to catch up with all of my mates individually, seeing my boyfriend on a regular basis, organising items to sell at a market to make some money, taking care of the house on a daily basis (cooking, cleaning, washing etc), moving furniture from my dads house, work, and trying to organise a holiday to America possibly this year (which I've been doing for a while, but I'm getting most of the organising done now) I am fucking exhausted.

So if I haven't had the chance to catch up with you yet, just give me time, I will get around to seeing everyone eventually! But I need a bit of a break soon! I'm still busy until Tuesday next week! I JUST WANT TO SLEEP! Waaaah! :( haha

I'm actually really lacking sleep at the moment though. It just isn't happening, which is pretty lame.

On a brighter note, today was mine and my boyfriends 5 months since we've been going out. It was such a perfect day! Went to the Zoo, did a lot of walking, had dinner in the city, and then ventured to the Eureka Skydeck tower (the tallest platform on the Southern Henisphere) where we looked at the amazing view from 88 floors up, or 300 metres above the sea!

Such a perfect day!

Hope you're all well! :D

"And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself. So clear, like the diamond in your ring, cut to mirror your intentions. Oversized and overwhelmed, the shine of which has caught my eye and rendered me so isolated, so motivated."

At the moment I'm listening to "Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional".
Well, I'm pleased to say that today's post is nothing like my last post. I was feeling VERY suicidal and honesty wanted my life to end, but I'm feeling a lot better now. I guess I just realised that there is more to life than just the negative shit. I just didn't, and couldn't, think straight in that frame of mind that I was in!

I'm on my way to the city to visit some of my uni mates for lunch! I've been out for the last 2 weeks, and it's killing my wallet. Even if it's just going out for a coffee, I still need to ask my parents for money.

Hope you're well! :D

"You said tonight is a wonderful night to die. I asked, you could tell, you told me to look at the sky. Look at all those stars, look at how goddamn ugly the stars are."

At the moment I'm listening to "Trouble Breathing - Alkaline Trio".
Tonight I came extraordinarily close to killing myself. My relationship with my boyfriend is falling apart, there are a lot of negatives and it's just a bit miserable at the moment. I really want things to change, because I can't even begin to describe how much I love my boyfriend, but at the moment, we mainly just seem like just friends. I hate it, and I want to be boyfriends again. I also feel like his parents are barely tolerating me with all my mood changes. My dad is a fuck-wit and doesn't care for me at all. My mum can't stop bothering me, I'm either "home all the time" and she complains, or I'm "out all the time" and she complains. I fucking can't win, especially since both my parents are home 24/7. I hate it! My diet is always fluctuating and my portion sizes are out of control. I don't look good, at all, and I hate looking like an ugly, fat fuck! My bank account is nearing empty. Since I've been out all week and with mates, I want to spend money (even though it's just been enough for lunch) because I don't want to keep looking like a poor, broke bastard. I can't really afford anything at the moment. And I am still having trouble sleeping and always seem to be feeling majorly depressed... So tonight's near-suicide experience came as no surprise as it was only a matter of time before it happened.

I'm tired of being miserable. And I especially hate how all of this is effecting my boyfriend. I am so blessed that he is so so so so SO tolerant of me, especially when I'm depressed and going through a shit time. But I know it's probably only a matter of time before he gives up. It saddens me to even think that, because I can't even think of a life without him in it. We're just going through a rough patch at the moment, but I hope things change really soon!
I really do!

Fuck, I can't stop crying, I'm such a mess! And it probably doesn't help that about half an hour ago I was sitting in my bathroom with all the pills in my house in my hand with a couple of bottles of water, just crying my eyes out. I can't help but thinking that the world would be better off without me. It would be a happier place eventually if I weren't around making it miserable for everyone.

Living like this isn't healthy, and I don't care about anything else at the moment besides making things better between my boyfriend and I.

"Tell me your troubles and doubts, giving me everything inside and out and love's strange, so real in the dark. Think of the tender things that we were working on."

At the moment I'm listening to "Don't you (Forget about me) - Simple Minds".
On the train home from what was a very lovely night out with some mates I don't see very often.
It was a lovely night! I honestly need a good night away from home. (:

I also weighed myself yesterday and weighed in with 102.0kgs! Which means I lost 2.0kgs in a week! So I'm pretty happy with that, and am motivated to continue losing weight to get to my main goal! :)

In sadder news, the relationship I have with my boyfriend is actually feeling really restricted and lonely at the moment. We have lost our romantic touch and have promised to each other that we will get it back! One of the main things we need to do more often is be more spontaneous with each other. But, of course, when I try to be spontaneous, there are rules and restrictions that I can't go to his house for one reason or another. It really annoys me to know that I can't go to his house when, for example, his SISTER is sick... I mean, it's his sister.... People get sick, life still operates around them. I honestly didn't think me coming over would be a big deal.... But boy was I wrong.

"I wish I could take your face and stitch it onto all their faces. Relationships that take your place end up being all I hated. Well you look like my type so get in line, take a number and I'll give you a time. Say you want me, say you'd kill to have me there. Cause since you shot me, I've been dying in this bed."

At the moment I'm listening to "This Bed - Kisschasy".
I lasted 4 whole days without one cigarette. Both mum and I caved in when we decided to have a very deep and meaningful conversation about everything that has gone wrong in our past. Both of us couldn't handle the stress and pressure of dieting, not smoking, and everyday life issues. We both baught a packet, sat on a park bench and had a nice long (about 4 hours) chat. It ended very positively and I actually felt a lot better talking to her... epsecially about how I wasn't happy that she and dad got back together, and that how I've completely stopped trying with dad. I will not tolerate him anymore. He knows barely anything about me and now, after 19 years of my life, he wants to be interested in my life and be a father. I'm tired of trying with him, so I am choosing to not tolerate him any more in my life.

Talking about all of this with mum was actually very healthy for me (besides the fact that we shared this conversation over a few smokes) and It actually felt like a massive weight has lifted off my shoulders. I'm feeling a lot happier over the past couple of days, happier than I've been with this situation in a long time.

So, the plan with smoking from now on is that I am just cutting down. I am not going to bring my smokes when I see my boyfriend, and I am not going to smoke around him... EVER! I am also not going to bring my smokes out of the house. They will only stay at home in my drawer, and I will only smoke them when I need them. After smoking a little bit today, I actually am put off by it a little bit and don't really want to smoke as much. I don't feel the need to smoke as much anymore, which is great!

In other news, a close friend of mine really quite hurt me this morning. As her friend, I wanted to give her some information I had about this guy she is kind of seeing. The information I have is from when he directly spoke to me, and it was about how he may not be interested in her on anything besides a physical level. Being this girls friend, of course I told her. But then after I spoke to her, she confronted him, and he denied everything. This is all fine and well. I honestly did not think anything of it until she told me that I really hurt her and him... When all I did was inform her of something I heard.. I didn't have any intentions to hurt anyone, or have any intentions to break up their friendship. It was just something I wanted to tell her. I'm still waiting for a bit of an apology from her... because she really did hurt me. It fucking hurts to wake up to a text saying nothing but "I'm sure you had good intentions, but that wasn't cool. You hurt both me and him."

Wow.

Anyways, I hope you're all having a lovely new year.

"When the one thing you're looking for is nowhere to be found, and you back stepping all of your moves trying to figure it out. You wanna reach out, you wanna give in, your head's wrapped around what's around the next bend. You wish you could find something warm 'cause you're shivering cold. It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes, the last thing you say as your saying goodbye. Something inside you is crying and driving you on."

At the moment I'm listening to "Something Inside - Jonathan Rhys Meyers".
Welcome to 2013. I have no idea what it is this week, but I have been pretty down, most of the time for no reason at all. I don't believe it had anything whatsoever to do with the fact that I quit smoking, or am desperately trying to lose weight, or even the fact that my parents are still both unemployed and are annoying the shit out of me.

I weighed in today at 104.0kgs. I want to lose 20kgs before my birthday, and when I reach my goal weight of 85kgs, I will reward myself with another tattoo!

Apart from this, I just want to stay in bed, all day, and all night, and not talk to anyone, or not see anyone for a while until I feel better. I know dealing with me is hard for all of you guys reading this, but I appreciate the support, and sorry if we haven't caught up in a while.