"You said tonight is a wonderful night to die. I asked, you could tell, you told me to look at the sky. Look at all those stars, look at how goddamn ugly the stars are."

At the moment I'm listening to "Trouble Breathing - Alkaline Trio".
Tonight I came extraordinarily close to killing myself. My relationship with my boyfriend is falling apart, there are a lot of negatives and it's just a bit miserable at the moment. I really want things to change, because I can't even begin to describe how much I love my boyfriend, but at the moment, we mainly just seem like just friends. I hate it, and I want to be boyfriends again. I also feel like his parents are barely tolerating me with all my mood changes. My dad is a fuck-wit and doesn't care for me at all. My mum can't stop bothering me, I'm either "home all the time" and she complains, or I'm "out all the time" and she complains. I fucking can't win, especially since both my parents are home 24/7. I hate it! My diet is always fluctuating and my portion sizes are out of control. I don't look good, at all, and I hate looking like an ugly, fat fuck! My bank account is nearing empty. Since I've been out all week and with mates, I want to spend money (even though it's just been enough for lunch) because I don't want to keep looking like a poor, broke bastard. I can't really afford anything at the moment. And I am still having trouble sleeping and always seem to be feeling majorly depressed... So tonight's near-suicide experience came as no surprise as it was only a matter of time before it happened.

I'm tired of being miserable. And I especially hate how all of this is effecting my boyfriend. I am so blessed that he is so so so so SO tolerant of me, especially when I'm depressed and going through a shit time. But I know it's probably only a matter of time before he gives up. It saddens me to even think that, because I can't even think of a life without him in it. We're just going through a rough patch at the moment, but I hope things change really soon!
I really do!

Fuck, I can't stop crying, I'm such a mess! And it probably doesn't help that about half an hour ago I was sitting in my bathroom with all the pills in my house in my hand with a couple of bottles of water, just crying my eyes out. I can't help but thinking that the world would be better off without me. It would be a happier place eventually if I weren't around making it miserable for everyone.

Living like this isn't healthy, and I don't care about anything else at the moment besides making things better between my boyfriend and I.