"I wish I could take your face and stitch it onto all their faces. Relationships that take your place end up being all I hated. Well you look like my type so get in line, take a number and I'll give you a time. Say you want me, say you'd kill to have me there. Cause since you shot me, I've been dying in this bed."

At the moment I'm listening to "This Bed - Kisschasy".
I lasted 4 whole days without one cigarette. Both mum and I caved in when we decided to have a very deep and meaningful conversation about everything that has gone wrong in our past. Both of us couldn't handle the stress and pressure of dieting, not smoking, and everyday life issues. We both baught a packet, sat on a park bench and had a nice long (about 4 hours) chat. It ended very positively and I actually felt a lot better talking to her... epsecially about how I wasn't happy that she and dad got back together, and that how I've completely stopped trying with dad. I will not tolerate him anymore. He knows barely anything about me and now, after 19 years of my life, he wants to be interested in my life and be a father. I'm tired of trying with him, so I am choosing to not tolerate him any more in my life.

Talking about all of this with mum was actually very healthy for me (besides the fact that we shared this conversation over a few smokes) and It actually felt like a massive weight has lifted off my shoulders. I'm feeling a lot happier over the past couple of days, happier than I've been with this situation in a long time.

So, the plan with smoking from now on is that I am just cutting down. I am not going to bring my smokes when I see my boyfriend, and I am not going to smoke around him... EVER! I am also not going to bring my smokes out of the house. They will only stay at home in my drawer, and I will only smoke them when I need them. After smoking a little bit today, I actually am put off by it a little bit and don't really want to smoke as much. I don't feel the need to smoke as much anymore, which is great!

In other news, a close friend of mine really quite hurt me this morning. As her friend, I wanted to give her some information I had about this guy she is kind of seeing. The information I have is from when he directly spoke to me, and it was about how he may not be interested in her on anything besides a physical level. Being this girls friend, of course I told her. But then after I spoke to her, she confronted him, and he denied everything. This is all fine and well. I honestly did not think anything of it until she told me that I really hurt her and him... When all I did was inform her of something I heard.. I didn't have any intentions to hurt anyone, or have any intentions to break up their friendship. It was just something I wanted to tell her. I'm still waiting for a bit of an apology from her... because she really did hurt me. It fucking hurts to wake up to a text saying nothing but "I'm sure you had good intentions, but that wasn't cool. You hurt both me and him."

Wow.

Anyways, I hope you're all having a lovely new year.