"So what if my house is just a van and I'm in love, Would I drive without the miles out west to disconnect. I know I've got this in my head so what if music changed my life. Will it ever changed my mind."

At the moment I'm listening to "Disconnect (acoustic) - The Dangerous Summer". Feeling a little bit more down today. Remembering all the memories as I walk into my house... And realising that my ex has probably already moved on from me in search for someone else. That's the only thing that hurts me..

But overall, I think I'm traveling okay. Got a massive headache because I haven't slept in about 3 nights. Not feeling to fresh.
:(

But oh well, life goes on, hearts get broken, hearts get healed, depression, state of extreme happiness, love, loss, friendships...

All the lovely and confused emotions of a teenage boy.

Talking to my friends have helped a lot in this. It really has, but one person who has REALLY helped me... Even by making me laugh... is my friend Daniel. He's also gay which makes him understand more than anyone else what I'm going through.
A special thanks goes to him for making me feel a bit better!
:)

"I can't dream anymore since you left, I miss you singing me to sleep. I can't wake anymore in your arms, I miss you singing me to sleep."

At the moment I'm listening to "Dressed to Kill - New found Glory". Ahh okay, today has been a strange day. I'm feeling really better with myself. I'm feeling like everything will be okay afterall. I'm remaining friends with my ex and once again hope that this friendship will last. The only thing that got to me today was when I was walking home and 'our song' came on my iPod. I had a few tears fall, but they didn't fall far because i knew I will find someone else. My tears were mainly fueled by happiness rather than loneliness.

I'm getting their. :) things are starting to look up.

In other news, i'm really looking forward to the weekend. Going out to a 'Rave Party', catching up with mates, dancing and having a few drinks. :D
Should put my thoughts to rest for a bit and focus on those people that care for me: my friends.

Hopefully, one day. I will stop calling my ex, "my ex" and refer to him as a mate. I'm getting their and staying strong. :D

"Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds are following me in my desperate endeavor, to find my whoever, wherever she may be."

At the moment i'm listening to "Remembering Sunday - All Time Low". I'm not feeling that sad anymore, more so a bit relieved. Sure me and my boyfriend broke up. But it's not the end of the world.

We've come to the mutual agreement that we are still going to remain as friends, which i think won't be much different to when we we're going out...I felt like that when we we're going out we only seemed like "friends".

I'm glad things have gone down this path, it could have gone a lot worse, we could have had a massive fight and never talk to each other again. But no, we both stayed strong. I have nothing but respect for my ex because he messaged one of my close mates telling him to look after me. This takes strength and courage. I appreciate him doing this. I really do.

So... We remain friends, we hopefully will still see each other, catch up and go to the movies, me, him and my mates or his mates. Or both. Hopefully, just hopefully our friendship will last and won't be awkward. All i can do is hope for the best.

I've stopped crying because it's over, and started smiling because it happened. :)

"You can't save me, you can't change me. Well I'm waiting for my wake up call, and everything, everything's my fault."

At the moment I'm listening to "Save me - Unwritten Law".

Last night my boyfriend broke up with me.

He sees our relationship as "just friends" and wants to keep it that way. I suggested we should work towards fixing it, but he doesn't want to do that. He doesn't love me anymore... And also believes that he only said yes to being my boyfriend because he thought he wouldn't find anyone else.

I'm hurt.

And even though he won't admit it, it was my weight that disgusted him. He made me promise him that I would get a job and in the future fix my "problem" to make myself happier. By "problem" I can only assume he means weight.


See, from an outsiders perspective, this would sound really mean and that I don't deserve a person like him... But because I'm still so in love with him, I just don't see it yet.


I'm distraught. A fucking basket case.

It's a fucking horrible feeling to know that the person you love, doesn't love you back, even if they say they did.

:(

"If you could go anywhere right now, Where would you go? And would you miss me when you get there?"

At the moment i'm listening to "Takeoffs and Landings - The Ataris". I'm excited to see my boyfriend today and spend some time with my mate Aaron. It's good to get out of the house and not focus on homework for a bit... Even though i know it's going to be waiting for me when i get back home.

I wrote my boyfriend a letter and i plan to give it to him today. I hope he likes it. Nothing really new has happened in my life in the past 24 hours... and when i read back over these posts, i realise i sound like a whining little bitch, and all i talk about is how shit my relationship is....

But i'm starting to realise that i should be extremely greatful that i'm in a realationship with the person i love. I'm starting to get better, starting to focus more on the positives in life. Hopefully i'll have a happy day out today. :)

"And you smell like how angels oughta smell, and you look like you're ready to go. So hold my hand, I'll take you everywhere, anywhere you wanna go."

At the moment I'm listening to "Hold my Hand - New Found Glory". I'm watching The Inbetweeners and just finished talking to my boyfriend. I've been talkin to him on and off all night. I'm still a bit unsure how things are going between us but i've decided to stay positive. I'm trying to not let it get to me. I can only hope for the best.

I ask my boyfriend a question tonight. I asked: "Are you happy? With how you life has turned out? And with your relationship with me?
His response was: Yeah, I guess so.

That was all that was said. What does he mean "I guess so"?

For some reason I only see the negatives in things... So from that I get that he's not happy with the relationship... But if I think on the positives he could be meaning "I guess" as in he was surprised at what I asked him. I don't know, maybe I'm just overthinking it.
I guess being madly in love with someone does that to you.

"I called 46 times and you answered on the 47th."

At the moment i'm not actually listening to anything... but i have had the song "47 - New Found Glory" stuck in my head all day. I'm at a strange feeling at the moment in my life... but mostly in my relationship. I get really excited when i see my boyfriend come online to talk to me... or if i get a text from him... but for some strange reason, i feel like he's avoiding me.

He seem's to not reply to my inboxes and he NEVER has credit on his phone to text me back. Even when we try to catch up something happened and now i have to wait another week to see him. He really isn't as affectionate as i am... hardly at all. I've also started to realise that when i say "i love you" to him, he seems to respond in a different sense that what i had hoped for. I'm not sure... i'm not sure about anything anymore... I'm also SOOO behind in my homework.

I was really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow, even if it was only for a small amount of time. But now i'm not. It's a weird feeling because i don't know whether i'm upset with him, or whether i love him. This strange feeling, i'm unhappy to announce, is inbetween both of them. I'm confused as to what to think, what to feel, what to get attatched to or even what to say to him anymore.

I don't want to be over affectionate aswell. I don't know...

Happy Easter :(

"There's someone down below blowing you a kiss. They watch from their windows as all arms fall to their sides, and all eyes fix on the death of tomorrow."

At the moment i'm listening to "Time to Waste - Alkaline Trio". At the moment i'm feeling:
-Fat.
-Worthless.
-Just about ready to give up with trying to do my homework.
-Confused over whether or not my boyfreind actually love me or not... because he doesn't seem to be affectionate towards me.
-Overall like a bit of a basket case.
-The way you feel when you don't know what feeling you are experiencing.
-Poor because i REALLY need a job.

Help?!

"Part of me, I'll never see, come visit, me in my dreams. I feel my actions are destroying me, deep down below the shallow life I lead. This pain is mine to keep and call my own, i'll carry it until I'm gone."

At the moment i'm listening to "My Only - Goodnight Nurse". I'm not feeling to good today. I'm feeling really down because of my weight issues and the fact that it's really tough to see my boyfriend. Since me and him are not classed as "normal" in the eyes of society, it makes things difficult to be in a relationship that is classed as "normal" (Holding hands in public, kissing in public, being affectionate around others.. etc.).

Sometimes life just isn't fair and appears to be fucking difficult. It really is, especially when you're a person who has the challenge of not being "normal". If only me and him could be together and happy in the eyes of society.

So that's why i'm feeling a bit down at the moment. And the fact that i'm pretty overweight... it just fucking sucks. I try to lose weight... i have been trying since i can remember. I seem to be getting knowhere...And the only method i can see that helped a little bit (as bad as it is) was starving myself for a few days... and only drinking water. It's fucking sad that i have to resort to this method to lose a bit of weight to make myself a little bit happier.

This mix of society and weight makes me uncontrolably sad and also makes me miss my boyfriend so much!
:(

"Hello there the angel from my nightmare. The shadow in backround of the morgue. The unsespecting victim of darkness in the valley. We can live like Jack and Sally if we want."

At the moment i'm listening to "I miss you - Blink 182". This song also makes me think about my boyfriend, how much i miss him and how much i want to be in his arms right now. But before i had a boyfriend, this song was a great influence on me to composing my own music. Not just this song, but also this band had a great influence on me. Blink182 remind me of my childhood and growing up under a broken home. I am one of those people that believe that writing songs over the sadder emotions are a lot easier and popular with the crowd.

Most of the songs i wrote when i was little came from the inspiration i got from Blink 182 and the sadness i recieved from most of my childhood. I was always a musical child, i was never into sports. I play piano and guitar and mix the two of them with singing. When i was little i used to write music with piano and singing but i never got around to recording them because i thought they sounded quite shit. Now days, i am mainly focused on recording and composing orchestral pieces. This is just one of my many pieces i have written. Hope you enjoy it.

The Storm ~ By Jordan Hinton

"When you say you love me girl i know you don't mean maybe. And i can tell you anything at all and you won't think i'm crazy. So i let down my guard, tell you all of my secrets and i show you my heart cos i know that you'll keep them. You think that i'm amazing, i don't mind"

At the moment i am listening to "Love me - Event" and this song is of great significance to me. This song is the first song me and my boyfriend claimed as "Our Song"! It really is an amazing song, makes me smile everytime i hear it and makes me almost come to tears when i hear the lyrics! I really love him! He is an amazing boyfriend!

The reason why i am listening to this song at the moment is because today marks one month since we started going out!! I'm so happy at the moment that words can't even describe it. I can just tell that me and my boyfriend will be together for a long time! We are just perfect together! I just really love him and cannot stop loving him!

I'm thinking about writing a song for him.... maybe :)

"I won't change a thing, cause I don't have to. I'll be who I am, it's all because you love me, for me. You love me for me."

At the moment I'm listening to "Love me - Event". This song is me and my boyfriends song. It's a beautiful song with amazing lyrics. It makes me feel so loved when I listen to it. Tonight is the end of the weekend and I'm actually feeling quite sad. I'm feeling this way because my boyfriend is no longer with me, in my arms... He had to go back home. And because of complicated situations I can only see him on rare occasions. It really sucks and makes me so upset. I've only been away from him for about 8 hours and I miss him greatly! :(

This weekend was probably the best weekend of my life... Except for one thing. I have the feeling that my boyfriend didnt feel the same about it like how I did. We went to 2 parties and I was completely unsure of how he was feeling. I was scared he wasn't having a good time and I really wanted him to. In saying this though, I also feel that I'm a bit pushy.

I love him so much! I just hope he feels the same way about me :'(

"I'm sick of smiling and so is my jaw, Can't you see my front is crumbling down, I'm sick of being someone i'm not, Please get me out of this slumb"

At the moment i'm listening to "Understatement - A New Found Glory". This song symbolises to me the time when i was afraid to come out to the world and present myself as someone who i really am. The lyric "I'm sick of being someone i'm not" was quite relevant at the time as i was indeed sick of pretending that i was this synthetic person who infact was in denial of being his true self. This have changed so much for me in the past 6 months or so and i am pleased to anounce that i am the happiest person alive at the moment. I cannot wait for my beautiful and amazing boyfriend to come over tomorrow!! He's staying over all weekend and i'm taking him to a few parties to meet all of my closest mates. I'm so excited to see him. This will be the first parties we go to as a couple ... and it will be amazing because i've come to the stage in my life where i don't care anymore about what other people think about my sexuality. I just don't care.. so i'm going to go to these parties with my head held high and holding hands with my boyfriend. :)

"At the end of the world or the last thing i see. You are never coming home, never coming home"

At the moment i am listening to "The Ghost of You - My Chemical Romance". I'm not very proud of the fact to say that this song was one of the only songs i used to listen to a couple of months ago when i was deeply depressed and suicidal. Their was something about this song that attracted to me to the state of death itself. This song reminds me loss between loved ones and suicide for some reason... this is why i was attracted to it. A couple of months go i really wanted to die. I was seeing psychologists and taking medication. And i even used to write about my feelings at the time... this is why i am blogging about this today. I found one of my writings about 10 minutes ago and wanted to share it with you.
I wrote:

"A fresh new page. A fresh new story. My story begins on a dull note. A note which symbolises negative thoughts and dead silence. They say an escape from reality is meant to be great. All i see is an imagination fuelled hell. My imagination gets its inspiration from negative thoughts and feelings. It's a sickly feeling wanting to die. I would always fantasise over doing it, but i would never have the guts to actually do it. It's getting a lot easier to die now days. Pop a few pills, dead! Tie a strong knot and wrap it around your neck, dead! Scissors to the wrist, dead! Knife to the throat, dead! Cover your eyes and walk across a freeway, dead! Tie bricks to your feet and jump into a pool, dead! Climb up on the roof of a building and soar through the clouds to the floor, dead! A bullet to the head, dead! Some say that one day things will get better, but these tears i cry today are forever."

Looking back at that now, i cannot believe i wrote some of that shit. I don't feel any of that at that moment. Depression is not forever, and i know i wrote that it would never get better. I obviously didn't know what i was talking about back then, because at this moment in my life, i am feeling happier than i ever have before.

Depression is a terrible thing and i believe that anyone can be cured. You just need to believe that you can do it. Smile. :)

"You take the way you know i'll take the road unknown and meet you there at the end of time"

At the moment i am listening to "Analog - Strung Out". This is one of my favourate bands and infact, this is the first song of theirs i heard. And from then, i just loved everyone of their songs. The lyrics in this song are remarkable, they remind me Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining" because to me the lyrics are all about isolation and the horror of being exiled.

"We've got the anger, fear and isolation,
exiled to this place.
We've got the pain, separates the tragic years
I've gone through all this waste
and when we finally separate ourselves,
the world we choose to leave behind
I will not be the same
as I was when I was yours."

^ One of my favourate lyrics. This song also heavily inspired me for my upcoming media assignment where i have to make a movie. My movie is based around the idea of horror within the mind and is shown through isolation. Another main inspiration i had for creating this film is the haunting saying: "We stoped checking for monsters under the bed at night when we realised they're inside of us".

"Let's get these two hearts beating faster, faster"

At the moment i am listening to "Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off - Panic! at the Disco" and it is a pretty amazing song. Most of my inspiration with anything i do in life comes from music and their lyrics. Whether the lyrics mean something in particular of where they have a figurative meaning, i still find inspiration through them.

Imagination, i believe, comes inspiration. Except i also believe that their is no such thing as true inspiration. Which begs the question, Is their such a thing as a true imagination? I believe not. Imagination is always built on something that already exists. This is my thoughts however, i believe them to be true, even though they may not be factual.