"Veronica spends all day chasing little lies. Penny's got something for the blues behind her eyes. Eddie don't talk to much, he can barely stand the pain. As the camera flickers on and on with visions of the end. The beautiful and the insane waiting for our lucky number. Start a war, gonna liberate this Nation of Thieves. We like our angels bleeding for the love and the fall. Manipulate reality to understand it all. New abstract suicide, she gets off on a little blow now. Mind fuck numb TV show we're a nation..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Nation of Thieves - Strung Out".
Words cannot simply describe how I'm feeling at the moment. One that comes pretty close, however, is the word "lost". I feel a little lost with everything in life at the moment, everything from weight to relationships. Let's talk about weight.

I'm too scared to jump on the scales because I'm afraid of what I'll see. Doesn't matter what I do, dieting, going to the gym as much as possible, cutting down my portion sizes, nothing seems to be working. The only thing that has worked in the past is 'binge-purging' and extreme fasting. In the state that I'm in at the moment and after my experience on the train today, I might resort to my old habits once again, even though I will be extremely disgusted in myself later on. On the train today I tried sitting in my seat next to this guy and I pretty much couldn't fit... it was really uncomfortable and embarrassing. If I do result to going back to my old habits, I need to wait until I'm off the medication I'm on at the moment (which should be in two days). I need to take these tablets with food, so I HAVE to eat...which sucks in a way. I'm only resorting to this for a little bit because I'm feeling really uncomfortable with my appearance. I will only do it for a short amount of time to boost my self esteem and make myself lose weight quickly JUST so I have enough motivation and happiness to keep going to the gym and becoming a healthier person. Last time I lost 11kgs in just over a week by practically starving myself. This will help me get a head start into becoming healthy (as bad as it is). And yes, I do know the health implications of this, and I also know that once I start eating properly again, I will gain wait quicker, but maybe just for a week or two I can be thin(ish) and happy with myself. :)

I'll see how I go!

It's been a pretty shit week. Not feeling happy tonight, not at all. Just one of those days, you know?

In more of an up-beat topic, I'm going to a football match tomorrow for the first time in 8 years! I'm pretty excited! I can perve AND enjoy the game.... It's just a shame I have to share this experience with not just my mum, but my dad too.

..yay. :/

Hope you're well.