"It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark. Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart. You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it. You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes, you're paralysed!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Thriller - Michael Jackson".
I'm not feeling good, at all. I need to get my life together and fast, before I start to fall into the trap of not wanting a life anymore. I promised myself I never wanted to go back there anymore, so I need to do something quick before my decisions start to change!

Something needs to happen in my life. Sometimes I even wish I was in a horrible accident, I keep wishing that, every time I hear a strange noise when I'm on the train, it would crash. Sometimes I even punch myself or slap myself to make sure I still have feelings (it's stupid, I know, but it's better than self-harm).

I'm taking tomorrow off Uni to find myself and find were my life is headed.

I need to know I'm alive. How do I do this without cutting? I'm trying my hardest not to ever go back there. I'm really trying. :S

"I wanna ask you, do you ever sit and wonder, it's so strange that we could be together for so long, and never know, never care what goes on in the other one's head?"

At the moment I'm listening to "You don't know me - Ben Fold (ft. Regina Spektor)".
Last night was pretty wonderful! I got quite shit-faced by like, 12am and THEN we went out to the clubs. Overall, it was a really amazing night. I'm also pretty happy that I didn't spend that much money.

That aside, I've come to the conclusion that I'm pretty lost in life at the moment. I don't know what I want.... with anything?! I'm also feeling a little lonely, and then, I guess, all my emotions come out with this thought of loneliness: overweight, ugly, lonely, broke, lost. I want a relationship, but I don't want to get hurt again, so therefore I'm REALLY scared to even start looking. This is why I'm currently battling with myself over whether or not I should sign up to a dating site. To be realistic, this is the only way/most common way gay people can really meet. I really just don't know what to do with my life? Since I have been hurt before, I absolutely cannot get these negative thoughts out of my head and it makes me really self-conscious and anxious at times. I need help, or a hug? I don't know. :(

I'm actually quite scared of weighing myself tomorrow. Even though I have been to the gym literally every day this week for more than an hour each time, after the weekend I had and all the junk food I ate I am scared.

I want to be normal. Normal-er. I'd even settle for crazy and anti-social. I hate being stuck in the middle. I'm trying to be as happy as I can, and as positive as I can, but at the moment everything is just terrible. :(

This is unfair. Fuck.

"He's not going to the school-prom. He said he had the flu. Jumped-upexcuses as he told mom "I'm safer here with you". She told herson "Someday, they'll all be sorry for mistreating you. Don't be afraidmy son and trust me, you'll be someone they will look up to".

At the moment I'm listening to "The Ballad - Millencolin".
I thought I was going so well! Since Monday I have lost 3.0 kgs and approximately 2cm off my stomach. I have been going to the gym EVERY night and been eating small portions of healthy food each day.... Until tonight when I binged on KFC. :(

I threw it up though. I know it's a terrible habit, I still have the bite marks on my knuckles. Mum always gets suspicious when I'm in the shower with loud "screamo" music playing so you can't hear my dry-renching. :(

I'm a bit disgusted in myself. But oh well. :/

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night though!! I'm going out for a mates birthday! Clubbing in the city!!!! Wooooopp woooop! (: It should be really fun, I really need a drink! :P

Happy reading!

"And you smell like how angels oughta smell. And you look like you're ready to go. So hold my hand, I'll take you everywhere, anywhere you wanna go."

At the moment I'm listening to "Hold my hand - New Found Glory".
Today has been a little confusing I guess..
I kind of had my heart broken in the morning. I know I'm silly, and I know this is stupid, but it looks like I have officially lost something that I have held very close to my heart for a very long time. This person probably doesn't realise how much I admire him, and I guess he'll never know now that he shares feelings for someone else. It's stupid, I know and I've decided to TRY my hardest to just let these feelings go. These feelings were never going anywhere anyways, it's just hard to face the truth sometimes.

I feel like I need to grow up. But, well, I just don't know. From now on I'm just going to try and keep my Uni work up to date and continue with my dieting to make myself a better person! I really want to look good and am using pretty much everything negative in my life as motivation to get there.

:)

"I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar. I've never made a bet, but we gamble with desire. I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire, but recently the flames are getting out of control."

At the moment I'm listening to "Jasey Rae - All Time Low".
I'm pretty happy with how my diet has been going. I've cut down my portion sizes dramatically and have been hitting the gym hard! In two days (since Monday) I have lost 2.7kgs and lost 1cm around my waist. If this is what I'm like every week, I will be a very happy Jordan (:

I've got uni tomorrow, another long day, and I know I'm going to have trouble getting up in the morning since I'm so buggered from the gym.

I found this! It's quite amusing and motivational!!

"5 Reasons to get fit:

1- To be a healthier person.
2- To live longer and reduce the risk of high blood pressure.
3- To show your ex what they missed out on.
4- To improve your self-esteem.
5- To look better naked."

Haha! <3

"Now hush little baby, don't you cry, everything's gonna be alright. Stiffen that upper lip up little lady, I told ya, daddy's here to hold ya through the night. I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why, we fear how we feel inside. It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby, but I promise momma's gon' be alright."

At the moment I'm listening to "Mockingbird - Eminem".
I forgot how emotional and powerful this song was. I'm always in tears right now listening to it! :/

Anyways, I am VERY disgusted in myself. I weighed myself today and could not believe what I saw. I currently weight..... 101.2kgs. Fuck that! I just cannot believe it... Although I did know I had put on weight, but I didn't think it was that much!! So, I have DEFINITELY decided to go back to my old, yet disgusting, ways. But only for a little while until I get enough self-esteem to continue with a healthier diet and fitness plan.

I am also going back to keeping track of my calorie intake, just as a guide. Today's diet consisted of only a piece of fruit for lunch and LOTS of water... And cigarettes, of course. I know it's unhealthy. But I'll feel better in the end. :)

In more exciting news, I'm going clubbing on Saturday night! I'm pretty excited because it's the first real time I've been clubbing and not having to worry about how I get home. I'm staying in the city in some hotel with mates. Looking forward to it!

AND, MY LAB REPORT IS FINALLY DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! I can finally have my life back!

"Veronica spends all day chasing little lies. Penny's got something for the blues behind her eyes. Eddie don't talk to much, he can barely stand the pain. As the camera flickers on and on with visions of the end. The beautiful and the insane waiting for our lucky number. Start a war, gonna liberate this Nation of Thieves. We like our angels bleeding for the love and the fall. Manipulate reality to understand it all. New abstract suicide, she gets off on a little blow now. Mind fuck numb TV show we're a nation..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Nation of Thieves - Strung Out".
Words cannot simply describe how I'm feeling at the moment. One that comes pretty close, however, is the word "lost". I feel a little lost with everything in life at the moment, everything from weight to relationships. Let's talk about weight.

I'm too scared to jump on the scales because I'm afraid of what I'll see. Doesn't matter what I do, dieting, going to the gym as much as possible, cutting down my portion sizes, nothing seems to be working. The only thing that has worked in the past is 'binge-purging' and extreme fasting. In the state that I'm in at the moment and after my experience on the train today, I might resort to my old habits once again, even though I will be extremely disgusted in myself later on. On the train today I tried sitting in my seat next to this guy and I pretty much couldn't fit... it was really uncomfortable and embarrassing. If I do result to going back to my old habits, I need to wait until I'm off the medication I'm on at the moment (which should be in two days). I need to take these tablets with food, so I HAVE to eat...which sucks in a way. I'm only resorting to this for a little bit because I'm feeling really uncomfortable with my appearance. I will only do it for a short amount of time to boost my self esteem and make myself lose weight quickly JUST so I have enough motivation and happiness to keep going to the gym and becoming a healthier person. Last time I lost 11kgs in just over a week by practically starving myself. This will help me get a head start into becoming healthy (as bad as it is). And yes, I do know the health implications of this, and I also know that once I start eating properly again, I will gain wait quicker, but maybe just for a week or two I can be thin(ish) and happy with myself. :)

I'll see how I go!

It's been a pretty shit week. Not feeling happy tonight, not at all. Just one of those days, you know?

In more of an up-beat topic, I'm going to a football match tomorrow for the first time in 8 years! I'm pretty excited! I can perve AND enjoy the game.... It's just a shame I have to share this experience with not just my mum, but my dad too.

..yay. :/

Hope you're well.

"Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself. Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once). Not tormented daily, defeated by you, just when I thought I'd reached the bottom."

At the moment I'm listening to "Going Under - Evanescence".
I'm feeling SUPER fat at the moment. I've been eating too much lately and I really need to stop being so unhealthy! I've gained quite a lot of weight (even though I haven't checked on the scales for a while, I can just feel that I've put on weight) within the past month and I'm feeling really uncomfortable with my appearance (once again, URGHHH)! I just need the motivation and time to get back into a healthy routine, and I really need to stick with it! This is my main issue at the moment in my life....but a part from this, things are going great :D

I'm quite excited about a new change in Australian society. There has been a survey going around recently about the public opinion on equal marriage rights to pass the 2012 'Marriage Amendment Bill' and the 2012 'Marriage Equality Bill'. I'm excited to think that society is definitely on its way to legalising same-sex marriage, even changing the definition of marriage from "...between a man and a woman" to "...between two people". So, if you're reading this and have a spare 5 minutes, do this survey! It closes tonight, but don't stress if you don't do it. Hopefully the majority of Australia has done it already :)

Also, I'm going through a bit of a Ben Moody phase at the moment. I'd love to sing like him! Every time I try, I seem to hurt my throat... :/

http://www.aph.gov.au/Parliamentary_Business/Committees/House_of_Representatives_Committees?url=spla%2Fbill+marriage%2Findex.htm

Happy reading, and share the love :)

"I never wanted to see you so misguided. I never wanted to be the one to expose you!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Exposed - Lost Autumn".
I've written another song. This one will be used for my next music assignment, check it out:

Another Song For You - Jordan Hinton

[Verse 1]
When will you see that it was all for you?
How did I manage to bend the truth?
I stuffed up, I take the blame,
When will it ever be the same?

[Chorus]
This is the part where you say to me,
Your harmony needs a different key,
Your cadence is just simply wrong,
It's time to write another song.
My lungs aren't ready to sing to you,
My breath falls short as I scream the bridge.
When will you see how I really feel?
When will you trust me again?

[Verse 2]
One last cigarette to hold me through,
I still can't believe what I said to you.
All I wanted was just a dance
Kept running my mouth, and lost my change.

[Chorus]
This is the part where you say to me,
Your harmony needs a different key,
Your cadence is just simply wrong,
It's time to write another song.
My lungs aren't ready to sing to you,
My breath falls short as I scream the bridge.
When will you see how I really feel?
When will you trust me again?
[Bridge]
Silently screaming,
Yet nothing to say.
My empty thoughts take me away.

[Chorus/Outro]
This is the part where you say to me,
Your harmony needs a different key,
Your cadence is just simply wrong,
It's time to write another song.
Another song for you.

(:

"Promises, promises, it was all set in stone, cross my heart and hope to die. Sugar fix, dirty tricks and a trick question, guess I should have read between the lines. Having the time of my life, watching the clock tick. Having the time of my life, watching the clock tick."

At the moment I'm listening to "All the Time - Green Day".
I had a pretty fun night with some mates last night. Had a few drinks, watched some movies (on Friday the 13th... hehe).

Today I went to the dentist in the first time in about 9 months. I was WELL overdue! I got two fillings and was told I have a very severe gum infection (which I kind of knew anyways because my gums have been aching for so long and have been bleeding constantly). On top of all this news I need to book myself into the hospital soon to get all 4 of my wisdom teeth out because they are growing sideways. Wonderful.

I'm hoping to have this operation done on my Uni study break in about four weeks from now. I am really hoping I can get it done in this week because I can't do it anytime sooner and I will be in too much pain to have it done in two to three months time. I REALLY hope that my recovery time won't cut into my exam times and I hope I will be able to be well enough to study for them properly!
Wish me luck! :)

In other news, my favourite "Die Hard" movie is on TV at the moment (number 3), So I better go! (:

Happy Reading :P

^^ Currently my life at the moment!



"Do you ever go home to a place where you don't belong. Where the feeling of neglect can be oh so strong. Where everything you try to say or do is always fucking wrong. When everything around you is a sad song. I did not choose to be here. I know I'm your regret. But I'll paint your blackened walls clear. So you'll never forget."

At the moment I'm listening to "Family Goretrait - Abandon All Ships".
I've had a pretty swell night. Caught up with one of my close mates, had some fish n chips, had some laughs and just had a general good time!

Sometimes it's hard for me to enjoy my mates company now days because I'm just TOO fucken busy with work, but tonight was good just to relax and have a few laughs! (:

In other news, I really need to continue with my homework tomorrow. I didn't do anything today and because of that I'm so behind! This workload is killing me. All I want to do is sleep! ;)

"Too much blood has flown from the wrists of the children shamed for those they chose to kiss."

At the moment I'm listening to "Make it stop (September's child) - Rise Against".
Today is a very exciting day for me. Today marks the one year anniversary of my first ever post on this blog!! So, that means, as of today, every time I post, I can look back over my post and see how much I have changed as a person in exactly one year! That was and still is the initial purpose of starting this blog. :)

So far, from April 11th last year, I have:

• Fallen in love
• Came out to my parents
• Broke up with two boyfriends
• Had my heart broken
• Got over it
• Lost weight
• Gained weight
• Completed high school
• Got into University
• Got a car
• Starved myself
• Turned 18
• Had a lot of sex...
• Regretted it
• Attempted suicide
• Harmed myself
• Regretted it (every bit of it)
• Started smoking
• Made money
• Lost money
• Made some friends
• Lost some friends
• Had some shit days
• ....but also had some AMAZING days! :)

The main bands that got me from 11th of April to now:

• Alkaline Trio
• Rise Against
• Strung Out
• New Found Glory
• My Chemical Romance

Quotes of the year from April to April:

• "Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely Boring!"
• "Sometimes you have to do something unforgivable... just to be able to go on living."
• "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

Pick up lines of the year from April to April:

• "If I were to ask you to have sex with me, would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this question?"
• *Written on a piece of paper and given to someone* "Would you like to go out sometime? Yes=Smile, No=Back flip."

Movies of the year from April to April:

• Scream 4
• I spit on your grave
• American Pie Reunion
• August Rush
• Burlesque
• Mean Girls
• Fight Club

Overall, I have changed SO much as a person since the 11th of April, 2011. I'm VERY proud of myself and am looking forward to the next 12 months!

Love you all! <3 Happy Reading!

I want a relationship like this ^

"I feel my actions are destroying me, deep down below the shallow life I lead. The pain is mine to keep and call my own, I'll carry it until i'm gone."

At the moment I'm listening to "My only - Goodnight Nurse".

My parents are playing "Happy Family" at the moment with some of my dads mates. These people have a typical neuclear family and my parents are trying to fit in and pretending to be something they're clearly not! And worst of all, they're trying to get me to be involved and to be social.

Fuck this. It is fucking disgusting.

"This is the part where the needle skips and the chorus plays like a sink that drips. A syllable repeating, like a warning we aren't heeding. Until all of a sudden we noticed it, when the wheels brace and the tires grip. A map we've been misreading, a defeat we're not conceding. Until now, there must be some other way out. Go on alone, because I won't follow. But this isn't giving up, no this is letting go. Out with the old dreams I've borrowed, the path I carve from here on out will be my own. A path to take me home."

At the moment I'm listening to "This is Letting Go - Rise Against".
Today is Easter. It's shit, as always. Another day to remind myself of my childhood, I guess. I didn't really have a fantastic childhood, but when I see my mum and dad (such as today) intersect as they do (like a couple, cooking together etc), it makes me a little sick inside, because it reminds me of a shit time in my life. I guess that's a little selfish of me, because I can see that they're happy, but oddly, their happiness makes me upset. (Strange?)

Easter and these last couple of days, my eating happit has been uncontrolable! I'm feeling so sluggish and fat! :( Time for a diet tomorrow!

Appart from my shitty Easter, things have been alright!

In other news, however, the Uni gossip and dramas have already started! This one girl has so rudely fucked up another one of my friends life and made him feel so shit about himself. I only seem to use this term when it's relevant, and I am about to right now. She is a complete and utter slut! And the worst part, of course, is that she thinks WE are "besties". And as "besties" she likes to bitch about the guy (whose life she ruined), and all I want to do is slap the bitch out!

Uni: Somewhat the same as high school.

Also, no one really knows this about me, but I have a secret love for watching football. I'm getting really into it, especially now! I would never admit it before because I never wanted it to be a bonding point between me and my dad. Oh well.

Happy Easter, lovely! (:

"Sitting beside you in school, while we'd paint I'd make you laugh. Mine was never very good, yours looked exactly like the photograph. Looks like I'm growing, I'm growing up beside you."

At the moment I'm listening to "Growing up beside you - Paolo Nutini".
This week has been fairly average and pretty wonderful. Easter is coming up pretty soon... Even though, I really don't like spending time with my family. I cannot stand the fake smiles, the fake conversations and the repetitive annoyance of misbehaving children and, what's even worse, adults behaving like children. I would much rather prefer to not celebrate it at all... and that way I can get a good start on my Lab Report for Uni. I REALLY need to get a move on with that, but I just have SO much other homework I need to do. :/ Eeeeeeeeeeeepp.

It's funny, through talking to some mates and thinking about this quite a lot over the past couple of months, I'm not sure what I want in life at the moment regarding my relationship status. See, I had this idea in my head that when I went into Uni, I would LOVE to be in a relationship. But now that I'm settled into Uni, I really just want to breathe for a bit a focus on my studying instead of socialising. I love having the freedom of being single. I think it's really great to have the freedom of, if I wanted to, going out to a club or something and doing something I'll regret in the morning. To me, that is a fun night out, and I want to enjoy those nights when I'm young!

I'm living my life. I'm eating what I want, without the guilt of being fat. Sure, I am fat. But, to tell you the truth. I like it. It's warm and cuddly! ;) I'm enjoying Uni. I'm making some amazing mates. Loving life.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely Boring!" - Marilyn Monroe.