"You made me feel so wanted, you made me feel complete. But over time it hit me, lies emerge, now they're all I see. Over the time it hit me, please just tell me why your tongue speaks lies."

At the moment I'm listening to "A Letter to Emily - Lost Autumn".
I only found out about the band Lost Autumn today through my mate Jack. They're really good, I'm really enjoying listening to them tonight as I lay in my warm bed! Thanks Jack (If you're reading this)!

Meanwhile, today I had some mates over for a jam session. It was lovely and fun (:

Mood at the moment: Calm.
Calories for today: 52 (I have only eaten 2 lollies... So I count that as not really eating anything all day).
Money status: Poor.
Hair status: Going for a hair cut tomorrow... maybe. Need to stop pulling out my hair.
Water status: Had a minimum of 2 liters of water today. Been pissing every 2 seconds.
Self appearance: Thinner than yesterday (which is rad!).

:)

"You can say I knew it all along, that you were all I wanted. To know the pain has made you grow strong, the scars inside have made you beautiful. Stop breathing for me, you said it's your right to shun dependence...and you shun. And you're scared to accept someone, to share your regrets when you're aching."

At the moment I'm listening to "Knew it all along - Midtown".
Today's day did not consist of much at all. I did eat a whole meal though... and sadly I didn't throw it back up. I think mum's getting suspicious as to why I have very loud music playing in the bathroom when I shower.

I also looked into downloading this iPhone app called "Myfitnesspal" and it's been kinda useful! It's like a diet diary type thing and also tells you the calories of EVERYTHING! It tells me I am meant to have around 2020 calories a day, and today I had approximately 1073 calories. Vomitting or starving myself would have been easier and more effective though. Friday after seeing my 'ever-so-thin' ex boyfriend I weighed myself, and I weighed myself again today.

Friday is when I started starving myself and vomitting.... the results are definatelly showing!!

Fridays weight: 97.5kgs
Mondays (Todays) Weight: 95.1kgs

Losing 2.4kgs in only 2 days is amazing!! (: I've also decided that every second day is my 'Don'tYouDareFuckingEat' day. (: So, that means no eating tomorrow :)

Hope you're well!

"Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens. A thousand clever lines unread, on clever napkins. I will never ask if you don't ever tell me. I know you well enough to know...you never loved me."

At the moment I'm listening to "Cute without the E - Taking back Sunday".

I've gone another whole day without eating a single thing. All I've had is a glass of milk and bottles of water all day!

Even though I know this is extremely unhealthy, I feel thin! (:

"Hey Miss Murder can I make beauty stay if I take my life?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Miss Murder - A.F.I"
I was going SOOOOOOOO good today with my eating plan...
I literally did eat anything until about 3pm when I decided If I didn't eat anything I might faint, So I ate 2 boiled eggs...

After that I felt fine and not hungry anymore until about 7:30. At 7:30 I decided to have a banana to take some pills for my headache (I didn't want to have the pills on an empty stomach) and then after that I could NOT stop eating. I had some Lasagna and then mum suggested that we ordered a pizza for dinner. So, obviously I couldn't say no to pizza. BUT at that moment when I ordered the pizza I came to the conclusion that I was going to have a "Binge-Purge" night. I haven't done that in a while! But I ended up eating a WHOLE family sized pizza all to myself and finished it off with a large glass of strawberry milk (because it smooths the process of bringing everything back up again).

I hopped into the shower and barfed out a pizza, some lasagna, 2 eggs, a banana and some strawberry milk. I actually feel SO much better.... even though I know this is stupid!

Feeling fat, but getting thin! :)

"How can I put it, you put me on. I even fell for that stupid love song. Yeah, yeah, since you been gone. How come I'd never hear you say "I just wanna be with you"? Guess you never felt that way... But since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time."

At the moment I'm listening to "Since you've been gone (Cover) - A Day To Remember".
I'm still feeling very shit about my eventful Australia day. I woke up at 9pm night..... I fucking woke up 30 minutes ago! I don't feel like doing much... only feel like sleeping. And it's pretty good so far, I haven't eaten in over 24 hours :)

Yesterday, after I posted I decided to write some lyrics about how I felt... It turned out more like a poem though. Writing seems to be the best release of anger and sadness. Check it out:

"Scream my name like how a crowd sings a chorus,
See your reflection and realise what you've done,
Live your perfect life as I fade into the distance,
I think i've had enough so you better fucking run!

You make me sick with your innocent complexion,
That hides away the monster you truely are.
You expressed your lie and lost my affection,
You better start to run, you better run far

I sit here in the cold and tremble at night,
Yet somehow I envy the person you've become,
You get what you want without putting up a fight,
It still makes me bleed how you shine in the sun!

The blood will only stop flowing when I can see that you have become as miserable as I am.
Only then will my scars start to heal over."

"I never thought I'd die alone,another six months I'll be unknown. Give all my things to all my friends, you'll never step foot in my room again. You'll close it off, board it up, remember the time that I spilled the cup of apple juice in the hall? Please tell mum this is not her fault."

At the moment I'm listening to "Adam's Song - Blink 182".
Today was kind of a nice day. I went to the beach with my mates to celebrate 'Australia Day'. However, my amazingly fun day was completely ruined by seeing my ex boyfriend. I saw him and some of his mates walk past me as I was on the beach. This is the same person whose final words to me were "I pretended to love you the whole time" and "You need to do something about your weight issue". He is looking really thin and muscly at the moment. Wow, you probably have no idea how jealous I feel. As of now, I am not eating until I feel like I'm going to be sick. And this will stay as rule for me until I get thin. I never thought i'd resort to this option ever again. But I just feel completely fat.

I have two options:

• Commit suicide.
• Stop eatting until I get thin.

I will try with the second option for now. Although, the meaning of the song I am listening to at the moment is really getting me curious to see if there is anything better on the other side.

Goodnight.

"You're so mean when you talk about yourself. You are wrong, change the voices in your head, make them like you instead."

At the moment I'm listening to "Fucking Perfect - Pink".
Well, the brownies I made the other day at 5am turned out pretty well, If I don't say so myself ;) However, the fact that they have like 1,000,000 grams of fat in them is not cool. :( I really need to start losing weight. It's making me pretty shitty about myself. I really wish GOOD weight loss drugs are available without a prescription. Something like Duromine would be perfect. I think I might talk to my doctor about possibly going on something. I also need to go to him to get a blood test done, I might book that in soon. I need to do my usual 6 months HIV test to see if I don't have it. I'm quite certain I don't have HIV or something like it.... I'm VERY careful in that department, even If i am having sex quite regularily with different guys.

Anyways, I've discovered a new or possibly hidden talent: drawing! It's fun, relieves stress and best of all, it doesn't make you put on weight :)

Check out the drawing I did today :)

"I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know, and I can't remember caring for an hour or so. Started crying and I couldn't stop myself, I started running but there's no where to run to. I sat down on the street, took a look at myself, said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell. Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to."

At the moment I'm listening to "How far we've come - Matchbox 20".
As I lay in my bed during this long hour of restlessness and look outside my bedroom window only to see the world in it's dead silence, I calculated that I have had approximately 6 hours of solid sleep in 2 days. My insomnia comes and goes in my life, and this week has been pretty exhausting for me.
In other news, I really need to get a hair cut VERY soon because I literally cannot stop pulling big chunks of my hair out. It's really bad, but so satisfying all at the same time.

I'm also going through a "something needs to change" phase in my life. I'm like an small child in a movie cinema... I just cannot sit still and live my life. I need something to do. Something has to change so I'm not constantly bored with my everyday lifestyle. Maybe I should take up a new hobby? Or change my room around? Or learn how to make delicious deserts? I think I'll go with the last one. I'm thinking if I pull another all nighter, instead of forcing myself to sleep... I might actually sleep tomorrow night. I might do that!

..But for now, I'm having a smoke... and then, I will start some 5am baking! Wish me luck! :D

"Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up? Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck? Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost? I'll show you mine if you show me yours first. Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse. Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words."

At the moment I'm listening to "Swing Life Away - Rise Against".
Okay, so I'm trying REEEAAAALLLLLLYYY hard to not pull my hair out anymore, and I think it may be working. I haven't done it as much as I usually would today. My weight has gone up by almost 1kg though. I need to get back onto my 'all salad' diet (which only stopped two days ago, so I have NO idea why I am putting on weight, rather than losing it.......).

I had a pretty funny (well, I thought it was funny) experience tonight. As I was getting some very helpful advice from a mate, I was giving some very helpful advice to another mate.... All of this at the same time. I guess I'm a little bit tired of playing Psychologist.... but then again, I'm also a little tired of playing Clinically Depressed Patient...

I would seriously just love to have no dramas in my life. Wow, wouldn't that be wonderful? It's unrealistic.... but imagination can last forever. :D

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive. And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."

At the moment I'm listening to "Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls".
Today has been a pretty frustrating day. My internet sometimes decides just to not work at all! It is fucking bullshit!!!! Especially when I need to complete important online forms to help me accept my University offer! Faaaark!

I know I mentioned in a previous post that I was practically addicted to pulling out my hair... well, it's gotten worse. I cannot stop it. It's really fucking hard to stop it! SO, I plan to go to the hair dresses in the next couple of days and get it all shaved down dramatically.... Which is really sad because I'm really loving my fringe at the moment :(
And also, on another strange topic... I have been eating nothing but salad for the last 5 days. And i'm enjoying it. The strange part is that I had no intentions of eating salad to lose weight, I was simply doing it because I love the taste.... Fucking odd! I've never loved the taste of salad before... :/ Oh well, I guess it's a good thing.

On a brighter note though, I deleted a lot of people that were giving me the shits on my facebook (: That feeling is heaven.

"These fancy things, will never come in between, you're part of my entity, here for infinity. When the war has took it's part, when the world has dealt it's cards, If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart. Because, When the sun shines, we'll shine together. Told you I'll be here forever, said I'll always be a friend. Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end. Now that it's raining more than ever, know that we'll still have each other. You can stand under my umbrella. You can stand under my umbrella."

At the moment I'm listening to "Umbrella (Cover) - Boyce Avenue".
I've had a pretty good day. Many events happened and all of them made me smile. Firstly I found out that I got accepted into University, and even better news is that I got into the course I really wanted to get into! :) YAY!

I got into a Bachelor of Arts (Psychology) course which is pretty exciting!

And also, later on in the day I went to dinner and the movies with some mates! It was lovely.

What a great day (:

"The scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all. The scars of your love, they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling that we could have had it all."

At the moment I'm listening to "Rolling in the deep (Cover) - Go Radio!".
According to Wikipedia:
"Trichotillomania, which is classified as an impulse control disorder by DSM-IV, is the compulsive urge to pull out one's own hair leading to noticeable hair loss, distress, and social or functional impairment, and in some cases one may even consume the hair."
... I think I may have a VERY mild case of this. I seem to be, and have been, addicted to pulling out my hair! It's been going on for quite a while, I've just never really noticed it until it began to get worse this last couple of weeks. Odd yeah? Also according to Wikipedia, one of the possible causes for this is depression and anxiety. I suffer both of those... So that may very well be the cause. I hope it doesn't get too bad. :/

..but anyways, I'm currently at my dads house where he is fixing my car. It's looking pretty good at the moment and I'm SO thankful that he knows what he's doing! Yaaaaay! :)

"And I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic. But when I say let's keep in touch, I really mean I wish that you'd grow up. This is the first song for your mixtape. It's short just like your temper, but somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Mixtape - Brand New".
Tonight was pretty wondeful. I went to the city with some really close mates and enjoyed every moment of it. However, the person who I mentioned in my previous post was there. For me, things were pretty awkward. But not for him however. I was kind of a little glad when we caught his train and left us. I was sad to see him go, because I don't get to see him that often, but I was also pretty relieved. I was relieved because I actually thought I was going to cry for screwing up to bad the other night.

I managed to contain myself, however, and had a good night in the end. But... I guess it still plays on my mind quite often. Which is gay.

Hope you're having a swell night. (:

"All I did was love you, now I hate the nightmare you've become. I can't let you fool me, I won't need you again. I watched you let yourself die, now it's too late to save you this time. You bury me alive, and everybody's gotta breathe somehow. Don't leave me to die, too consumed by your own emptiness and lies."

At the moment I'm listening to "Bury me alive - We are the fallen".
I made a pretty big mistake last night. So, I've had this crush on this guy I have known for over a year now. It has been an on-and-off crush for the amount of time I have known him. I met him through a friend and he was the first person (who is also gay) that I came out to. Overall, he as been such an amazing friend and inspiration to me. He has helped me become the person I am today. And this "crush" that I had for him was completely secret. He did not know a thing.

Anyways, last night he was telling me about this time he and his mate had some "fun" and the way he said it, to me, sounded like he was trying to hint to me that he wanted to "experiment", because he is fairly tame with his sexual experience, and don't know who to "experiment" with. So, as the dickhead I am, I bluntly told him that he could experiment with me if he ever wanted to.

He immediately changed the subject and I kept pushing him to find out an answer. It ended up being really awkward and now I guess I just feel like crap. :/ We are still friends and everything. But nothing will be the way that it used to be. I feel really embarrassed, ashamed, awkward, confused and sad.

Fun night.

"We've been falling for all this time and now I'm lost in paradise. Alone, and lost in paradise."

At the moment I'm listening to "Lost in Paradise - Evanescence".
I'm not really sure whether I like Evanescence's new album or not!? I think you just cannot beat their old stuff. Their old music was absolutely beautiful!

And some good news is I've started downloading movies :D ... well, I guess that's good news for me, not production companies... But still, I think it's awesome :)

And even better news is my youth allowance got accepted and I woke up today with an unexpected $250 in my account. Apparently they will be doing this every fortnight, which is fucking awesome because that means I don't need to cancel my gym membership to pay for my car and all the damage! :)

So, I'm in a pretty swell mood at the moment, which is kind of silly because It was the money in my account that brightened my mood. I hate to say this, but money I guess can make you happy. :|

The world is fucking ridiculous! I don't like it. :\

"She sits in her corner, singing herself to sleep. Wrapped in all of the promises that no one seems to keep. She no longer cries to herself, no tears left to wash away, just diaries of empty pages. Feelings gone astray, but she will sing 'till everything burns, while everyone screams, burning their lies, burning my dreams. All of this hate, and all of this pain, I'll burn it all down as my anger reigns, 'Till everything burns."

At the moment I am listening to "Everything Burns - Anastacia ft. Ben Moody".
I think I may have a little crush on this guy. He's really cute, awesome personality and understands that life can sometimes not be as beautiful as you want it to be. I really don't want to rush into anything at the moment and I especially don't want to make the same mistakes as I did previously.

I really hope things work out well. :) That would be really special, almost like magic.

"There’s a place that I’ve found as far as I can see. This place lies within the depths of my dreams. In a garden surrounded by fire and trees, through the smoke, a silhouette, I can barely see. There’s a man with an axe, standing in the rain. Looked me straight in the eyes, this is what he had to say: Never fall asleep, you won’t wake up. Destroy the guillotine, before he does."

At the moment I'mn listening to "My Apocalypse - Escape the Fate".
Welcome to 2012! This is my first post of the year, which is pretty exciting...Not really, I just get excited by the minor things in life. Which is better than being sad I guess.

Speaking of sad, I'm not feeling that sad anymore. I guess I just needed to cut. It actually did make me feel a whole lot better. Hopefully this year will have its ups and downs, but let's hope the downs are not that bad and the ups are terrific.

Bring on this change of lifestyle. First on the agenda, find a job to earn enough money to pay for my car.