"I got the scars to remind me of watching the clocks go round. I've walked myself through somedays that have put me where I am."

At the moment I'm listening to "Rooftops (cover) - Alkaline Trio".
GOODMORNING EVERYONE! I'm up bright and early on this seedy Sunday after having a pretty fantastic night. This night consisted of drinking, formal-like attire, smoking, great food, truth or dare, a trampoline, some great memories, some amazing mates and lots of smiles and laughter!!

Fuck, that was a good night! And I think someone, just someone alone made me smile the most. This person sent me a text with a song that reminded him of me. I thought that was the cutest thing ever!

Ahhh, okay, I'm off to sleep now, try and get rid of this semi hangover and wake up to study hard! Shit.

"I took a blow torch to both of my lungs a long, long time ago."

At the moment I'm listening to "Mr. Chainsaw - Alkaline Trio". Okay, so I haven't posted for a while. But I think it's fair to say that I've had a pretty amazing week.

My mum's been away since monday and I had some mates stay with me all week! It was really fun, first night we just sat around, did a bit of homework, had a few smokes and watched a movie. We did this most nights, but we also played twister, drank Vodka and Ribena, sat outside and blew out smokes into bubbles and watched them pop. It was just a great week! :)

It's awesome to have friends like these guys, they know how to cheer a person up and make me realise the values of life.

On a bad note, however, I HAVE 10 SACS NEXT WEEK AT SCHOOL! It is seriously ridiculous!

This.

Yeah, I know I usually put lyrics in the title, But i'd rather share the whole song right here.
This song makes me smile!

San Dimas High School Football Rules - The Ataris

Last night I had a dream that we went to Disneyland,
Went on all the rides, didn't have to wait in line.
I drove you to your house where we stared up at the stars
I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms.

We hung out at the rainbow where we drank til' half past two.
Nothing could go wrong anytime that I'm with you.
Like crashing a hotel room or leading up to that first kiss
Or searching for a high school that you know doesn't exist...

These are the things that make me free
I feel like I'm stuck in "stand by me"
This night was too good to be true.

Today I woke up alone wishing you were here with me,
I wanted us to be something that we'd probably never be.
Today you called me up and said you'd see me at our show,
But now I'm stuck debating if I even wanna go.

Whitney, don't you understand that what I say is true?
I just want you to know I have a major crush on you.
I'd drive you to Las Vegas and do the things you wanna do
I'd even have Wayne Newton dedicate a song to you.

I only wish that this could be
Just dump your boyfriend and go out with me
I swear I'd treat you like a queen.

:)

"When the world comes crashing down, Whose ready to Party?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Hello Brooklyn - All Time Low". I stayed home, once again today. I really don't see myself passing year 12 at this point. If i keep taking day's off, I won't make the required attendance. There's really nothing I can do about this though, If I can't go to school because I'm too unwell, teachers will just have to understand.

I've got nothing else to say.

"Someone once told me there's a road to happiness. I must have passed it long ago."

At the moment I'm listening to "Restless - Rumbleseat". This song brings back some good memories. It reminds me of me VCE music night last year, where I sat in front of a small crowd of adults with a guitar on my lap and a microphone at my mouth. I performed this song with such passion that I even reached those high notes that I couldn't reach before. As I was blasting out the words, I looked down into the eyes of my audience and all I could see was smiles. As the song concluded, the room was drowned with the sounds of applause. This applause was like no other that I've received before and it made me EXTREMELY happy.

When I was performing, I remember saying to myself: "How am I doing this?" "How am I making people smile?" I was so surprised in myself that I had the ability to make others happy. And through this I became happier and stronger as a person.

Music has changed my life significantly in a great way. There's no better feeling than performing something from your heart to an audience, and having amazing feedback whilst you listen to silence and stillness of people breathing change to a dramatic, thunderous applause.

"I'm sorry, I heard about the bad news today. A crowd of people around you, telling you it's okay and everything happens for a reason."

At the moment I'm listeing to "Sonny - New Found Glory". I saw my psychologist yesterday for the first time in a while. She think's i've gotten sicker than what I originally was. Brilliant.
A few days before this I had to have a few bloods tests and other mediacal tests, because knowing my luck, not only am I mentally ill, I may possibly be physically ill aswell. Wonderful.
On the plus side though, I just got a job :) This means money :) And I also am proud to anounce that I am moving on from bad experiences. I have been talking to this one person for a while, and I've come to realise that their actually are some decent people in this world. Hopefully this guy turns out to be nothing like my ex (a liar and an all-round cunt). But things are starting to look up.

I'm taking it slow, and starting to enjoy the feeling of being single.

Another Innocent Girl - Alkaline Trio

"He likes to act like he's all grown up
He wanted to grow up to be an actor
But he never told anybody
He likes to spill all of his guts
On the top of a well stocked bar
And then swallow them bit by bit remembering every scar
As a valid reason for every drink
And a new tattoo is a new reason to think
He likes to pretend that he is all sewn up
It makes for a much stronger case
But there is blood underneath that skin
That scar is not so easy to erase
He walks with a glass cane now
He's careful when holding his body up straight
Can't go outside when it's raining
Can't smash up that beautiful face
Another innocent girl just made his list
That self pity shit is just too hard too resist
And when we get home
you'll see that this part of him is now part of me
And its way too easy to fake this smile lead you on
Maybe I'm wrong but everyone gets bored once in awhile."

"Break into something that’s beautiful now, tell me that it’s gonna be okay. Or exalt my friendships and line up these bottles of beam from my crib to my grave. I wrote it to end it this way."

At the moment I'm listening to "The redness in the west - The Lawrence Arms". I stayed home again today. I don't want to get into the habit of staying home from school once a week. It's really not good for me. Especially in year 12. I was up all night again last night, vomiting. I drove to the doctors today and got some blood tests done. I won't get the results back for another couple of days.

I have no Idea why I'm feeling so sick. It's only been since my boyfriend broke up with me that I've been sick. And It's getting worse. My depression has come back, even though I am trying deeply to to get over this sickness, nothing is working. The only thing I can see getting pleasure out of doing at this moment in my life, is starving myself, and sleeping in bed. Which is really quite sad. But it's the truth.

I've lost a significant amount of weight recently (11Kgs) and my mum is starting to worry about me. I hate it when she worries. It makes me upset, and then i get upset at her, which results in both of us fighting.

Above all this, I have a mountain of homework to be catching up on and the fact that my Internet speed is currently on 'Snail', really isn't helping.

Fuck.

"Count all of your fingers tonight."

At the moment I'm listening to "Recovering the Opposable Thumb - The Lawrence Arms". Feeling a bit happier at the moment. (And yes i know, last post i was sad, and this post i am happy). Maybe I'm Bi-polar?

Probably not. Just a normal teenager sitting at the front of the emotional roller coaster of life.

On a happier note, I've been talking to some random gay guys, and i think it was really great because the majority of them made me realise that I'm actually not as bad as i make myself out to be.

Life... more fucking ups and downs than a bouncy ball in a small room.

"I wish you would take my Radio to bathe with you, plugged in and ready to fall."

At the moment I'm listening to "Radio - Alkaline Trio".
FINALLY, blog is working again.... For some reason it just wasn't working for the past couple of days. I'm feeling a bit sad today. Just thinking over some memories and it's making me really sick!! Both physically and mentally. I'm at that confused state of mind where I want to kill someone and want to love someone at the same time.

I'm curled up in bed at the moment and refusing to get up to do anything. Even eat. I just want to stay here forever! Obviously this isnt the right thing to do... But i really don't give a fuck anymore.

The only word I think I can use at the moment to describe me, and how I'm feeling is:

Fucked.

"There's a lightning storm each and every night, crashing inside you like motorbikes. We toss and turn, sleep so loud, Grind the teeth in our empty mouths."

At the moment I'm listening to "Burn - Alkaline Trio". I'm smiling.
I've been talking to new people lately, making some new friends and listening to some interesting stories. It's good to hear stories from similar people to me, just so i know that i'm not alone in this world! I've made great friends with different people. It's great to end something that was bad, with starting something fresh and new. :)

This Video really makes me smile.

Check it out!! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouqUil7Q3Fs

"I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you. And I need you like a heart needs a beat, but that's nothing new. I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue. And you say sorry like the Angel Heaven let me think was you."

At the moment I'm listening to "Apologize (Cover) - Silverstein". Having a pretty average day. Nothing to spectacular to write about. I took my mum to a lovely country town today called Daylesford. It's actually quite ironic that she chose to go their since it's pretty much the Gay capital of Victoria. It was a fun day, just browsing through the shops and looking at random shit.

Something that really grabbed my attention was this book titled 'Daddy and his Roomate'. It was a children's book and it's intention is to teach children about same sex relationships and introducing them into this lifestyle. I thought it was really sweet since I have never really seen anything like it.

I hope to have kinds one day. But let's think about that a bit later in my life! Haha
Happy mothers day! :)

"I know the timing isn't great but these things you just can't plan. I just need a little time so I can find myself again. 'Cause I get buried underneath all the things they think you are. And I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt to be left out."

At the moment I'm listening to "The conversation - Motion City Soundtrack".
It's mothers day tomorrow. I got mum a beautiful card and buying her anything she wants when we go out tomorrow. I feel really upset, when my mum get's upset sometimes. She was crying again today. This happens every two to three days. Today was about our financial situation and how pretty much our house is falling apart (literally). The backyard is just overgrown weeds and the inside is falling to pieces. She can't afford to fix anything.

She also get's quite upset because her whole life she has wanted a partner that loves her and wants to be with her forever. She has found this certain someone, except for one problem. He lives in a different state to her. And she only see's him rarely.

I really don't know what to do! I've been trying to get a job so badly just to help out with the bills and everything, but i'm not having much luck at the moment. I really feel sorry for her and have a secret cry every now and then about her because I just don't know what I can do. I know their is a lot worse out their and I do count my blessings that I have a house, food and water. But I just feel so helpless. All I want to do is make her happy! That's all.

"You say you love me, but you lied. Now you say you love me, well just to prove that you do, come on and cry me a river. Oh cry me a river, I cried a river over you."

At the moment I'm listening to "Cry me a river - Michael Buble".

Check out me playing Piano. I'm improvising! ;D Tell me what you think!

:)

"And I don't have the face to turn heads or the body that cuts loose ends. I swear I need to get a hold again."

At the moment I'm listening to "I'll never love again - New Found Glory". I stayed home today. You know those days where you just need a day off? Yeah, mine's today.

So, I'm sitting in front of the computer, listening to loud music, filling my stomache with food and trying to find something other than homework to do. Trying to keep my mind focused on other things, rather than the obvious.

Talking to mates really help. Although, i have a feeling that I'm losing some of my friends. Oh the complications of being a teenager, don't you just love it. Oh well, life is unpredictable and unstopable. Nothing i can do to change that!

"And who's to know that the lies wont hide your flaws. No sense in hiding all of yours. You gave up on your dreams along the way."

At the moment I'm listening to "Fake It - Seether". Feeling a little bit better today, my mind is not being so zoned out lately. I'm smiling more. .. i think.

I've got a fuck-load of homework to catch up on... and really need to get my head in the game (...of school).
:S

I feel kind of bad, I haven't got my mum anything for Mothers Day yet. I have no money. And i haven't had the time to buy anything, no matter how small, or cheap. :( I HAVE to buy her something... soon. Otherwise I will feel terrible.
:/

"How long could you hang on to a word?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Intensity in ten cities - Chiodos".
I'm trying to sleep... I just can't.
I've got the feeling people are ignoring me. For some reason I think some of my friends are ignoring me... I don't know why. They're propably not, it's just a feeling. An uncontrollable feeling.
Trying to sleep, but my mind is just racing. Racing faster than the speed of light. One thought, continuously drifting into another. Some thoughts are good, but they lead into bad memories. Memories I am trying so ever hard to forget.

Fuck this.

"You told me that the daylight burns you and that the sunrise was enough to kill you. I said maybe you're a vampire. You said it's quite possible, I feel truly dead inside."

At the moment i'm listening to "Trouble breathing - Alkaline Trio". I haven't been eating much lately. I'm just not hungry, i'm really not. And when i try to eat... my body rejects it and sometimes i throw up ... or just feel ill. My mum's worried about me. I hate it when she worries, she should just take care of herself. She needs to be more worried about her and less about me. I'm fine.

Trouble breathing - Alkaline Trio

"You told me that you want to die.
I said I've been there myself more than a few times.
And I go back every once in a while.
You called me lucky, you...
You called me lucky.

You said tonight is a wonderful night to die.
I asked you could tell, you told me to look at the sky.
Look at all those stars, look at how goddamn ugly the stars are.

It's one or another.
Between a rope and a bottle.
I can tell you're having trouble breathing,
'Cause you'll never be o.k. (you'll never be o.k.)
You'll always be in pain.
You'll always feel this way.
'Cause things they never work out right (the wrong way, the lonely way).
You'll always be in pain.

You told me that the daylight burns you
And that the sunrise was enough to kill you.
I said maybe you're a vampire.
You said it's quite possible, I feel truly dead inside.

It's one or another.
Between a rope and a bottle.
I can tell you're having trouble breathing,
'Cause you'll never be o.k. (you'll never be o.k.)
You'll always be in pain.
You'll always feel this way.
Cause things they never work out right (the wrong way, the lonely way).
You'll always be in pain.

Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out.
Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out.
Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out."

Is it bad that i really enjoy listening to suicidal songs? Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to die. I don't see the point, and i have too much to live for. I just, for some reason, really enjoy listening to suicidal songs.
:/

"I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end. But I choose to abuse for the time being, maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die."

At the moment I'm listening to "Let's get fucked up and die (L.G.F.U.A.D) - Motion City Soundtrack". Feeling a little bit more down today. And as I look back over my posts I know I sound weird because one day I'm fine, other days i'm not. Love AND loss can be an emotional rollercoaster.

Over the past few days I have really enjoyed talking to one of my ex's friends. She has been really helpful, I mean REALLY helpful... And promised me that we will never lose touch. We also plan to go to the city... That should be fun. It's a lovely feeling knowing that I'm still going to be friends with her.. And I still have a place in her life. :)

I know this sounds weird... But sometimes I just wish I was straight. Because all I want in this life is to live it just like how everyone else lives it.
I want to hold my partners hand in public without worrying about what people think. I want to openly express my love to my partner and kiss them in public. It is very limited as to what I can do... So I hope that my next boyfriend isn't scared... I hope that he will look past the boundaries of society and focus on love. Just love.

All I want in this world ... Is to be loved.

"Do you know, who's that guy, who's all alone? Do you care enough to see? He's in pain and misery."

At the moment i'm listening to "The Ballad - Millencolin". This song brings back good memories. It reminds me of Soundwave. :)

Good news is, i'm not feeling so sad anymore. Feeling happier talking to my closest mates last night. Even texting my ex on the phone last night. It made me feel a little bit better because we only interacted as mates. And that's all i want in this world. Good mates. :)

I believe that true friendships, alcohol, dancing, smiling, laughing, loud music and glowsticks make up the perfect life.

;D

"And when i close my eyes tonight, to symphonies of blinding light. Like memories in cold decay, transmissions echoing away. Far from the world of you and I, where oceans bleed into the sky."

At the moment i'm listening to "The Catalyst - Linkin Park".
I got rid of all my memories today. Threw out all the photos, all the things that were significant to me and him. No more.

Looking forward to tonight. Rave Party!!! Weowwww! Gonna have a few (or possibly more than a few) drinks with mates tonight. Hopefully get rid of a few more memories or tonight... ;) If you get me. ;)

I'm a little bit worried though, if i do drink a lot, i might get very sick. I haven't eaten in about 3 days... :/

Just not feeling hungry.