"Feels like you're coming apart and you've entertained the thought that you're out of things to say. And you haven't even started, you haven't even started."

At the moment I'm listening to "The light at the end of the tunnel - Something For Kate".

Feeling more or less indecisive and confused. I have had a good weekend, but I'm not really sure whether i mean that or not? Fuck, I don't know what to do. Only time can tell :)

I also took up smoking again, but ONLY for the weekends. I don't smoke during the week anymore. I'm slowing getting this addiction away from me.

Time.

"Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens, a thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins. I will never ask if you don't ever tell me, I know you well enough to know you never loved me."

At the moment I'm listening to "Cute without the E - Taking Back Sunday".
This day has been ridiculously hard for me. My ex told me that he doesn't want to remain friends last night, which is COMPLETELY fair enough. I understand that! So, anyways, today was the second day I have gone without one simple minute of sleep, and completely not by choice. So much is racing across my mind. Today I also decided to do a very stupid thing. My friend wanted me to write a letter so I began to put words together, until I realised very quickly that this letter turned into a suicide note. I finished it off and STUPIDLY gave it to my friend. Everything I wrote in that letter was true for the time. I did feel like killing myself today and would have gladly gone through with it if I could. But now I can't for the moment, because my mum found out that I went to see the school councillor today (Who, by the way is absolutely retarded! She diagnoses me with Bi-Polar upon listening to me talk for 15 minutes. Some people just shouldn't be allowed in schools.). So, now mum is worried about me, and of course I don't blame her, but because of her fragile state she's in at the moment, I really wish she hadn't found out.

Let's see what tomorrow brings, hopefully it is better. But there is a great chance that it won't be. There is also a small chance that tomorrow may never arrive, but that probability is highly unlikely....however, not impossible.

Weekly update of the:

List of things I need to do in the near future:

• Only buy a packet of smokes when I can afford it. (I've quit smoking).
• Only smoke on the weekends excluding when I'm feeling MAJORLY depressed.
• STOP smoking in my car. It's starting to smell bad and I'm really starting to not like it.
• Deactivate facebook every time I have a couple of SAC's coming up.
• Focus and really try hard with my schooling. (Trying my hardest).
• Go to the gym as often as possible. (Trying to).
• Cut back on eating big meals every night. (Happening).
• Put in an extreme effort for the subjects I'm not doing so well in (Literature). (Not going so well with).
• Put my relationship and friendships AFTER my studies. (I'm single now).
• Don't be so attached to my boyfriend, if he said "Lets wait", he means it.
• Stay positive. (Trying).
• Smile. (Trying).
• Laugh. (Sometimes).
• Focus. (Sometimes, but really trying).

"Are you locked up in a world that's been planned out for you? Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?"

At the moment I'm listening to "She - Greenday".
Wow, what a week! So, firstly lets start simple and say me and my boyfriend broke up. Well, I broke up with him 2 nights ago on Saturday! He never replied to the break up messages so tonight I went to visit him and we talked. I gave him back his t-shirt and the lighter he gave me for my birthday! We ended on good terms! We both understood that there was timing issues and it would have been hard to cope! So I'm really glad we ended well, so now i can move on and focus without being stressed and frustrated all the time! Hopefully we will remain friends, but it is doubtful! It's time for change, because the future is fast approaching and I want to enter it with a clear mind and a clear attitude!

I quit smoking! Saving my lungs for deep and meaningful kisses!

<3 bring on my new life to come!

"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting. Could it be that we have been this way before? I know you don't think that I am trying. I know you're wearing thin down to the core."

At the moment I'm listening to "Fall for you - Secondhand Serenade".
Good night last night! It was fun catching up with my mates and getting my mind off things! At the moment I'm supposed to be in the city with my "boyfriend" but of course he cancelled on me. We are supposed to catch up tomorrow but if he cancels on me again, I'm moving on. I know this sounds petty, but if you knew the heartache I'm feeling, you would agree!

Anyways, I'm actually having a really lovely day with a mate, just lazing around at home. Life is good! Feeling surprisingly fine! <3

"And I lie awake at night just hoping to make you shiver. I'll be your disaster, forever and after, so cry me a fucking river."

At the moment I'm listening to "We dance to a different disco, honey - Short Stack".
I don't really like Short Stack.... But this is the only song of theirs that I can tolerate.
I need to start organising my life. I need to make some sort of plan. So here i go:

List of things I need to do in the near future:

• Only buy a packet of smokes when I can afford it.
• Only smoke on the weekends excluding when I'm feeling MAJORLY depressed.
• STOP smoking in my car. It's starting to smell bad and I'm really starting to not like it.
• Deactivate facebook every time I have a couple of SAC's coming up.
• Focus and really try hard with my schooling.
• Go to the gym as often as possible.
• Cut back on eating big meals every night.
• Put in an extreme effort for the subjects I'm not doing so well in (Literature).
• Put my relationship and friendships AFTER my studies.
• Don't be so attached to my boyfriend, if he said "Lets wait", he means it.
• Stay positive.
• Smile.
• Laugh.
• Focus.

These are the first steps towards a better life for me. I just need to stick to it. Once a week I will post about progress and see how far I've come. Wish me luck :)

"The night is perfect. Take out your blades, get out your guns. We'll drink our poison, then wait and see what we become."

At the moment I'm listening to "What we become - Kisschasy".

To the right (-->) there is a lovely little fact for today. Whether it be true or not, it makes me smile.

Okay, I just got off the phone with my boyfriend about an hour ago. He made his decision of 'postponing' our relationship until the end of school this year (which is in about 8 weeks). I realise that he is completely right in putting his studies before a relationship. It's the right thing to do. So, I'm happy about this, i can deal with this. Hopefully it won't be so hard. I know he loves me, I love him too and i think that after school is finished, it will be heaven. I'm seeing him on Saturday for probably the last time in a while just to talk things over one last time in person.

But in sum, the relationship is still going, I just need to be a bit more resistant when contacting him because he needs to study, and so do i. We will still talk every now and then, and maybe catch up on the rare occasion, but it is unpredictable as to when. I'm just going to have to learn to cope with that. And that is fair enough, i think this will be a good learning curve for me. :)

Feeling good.! <3

"Just leave with me now. Say the word and we'll go. I'll be your teacher. I'll show you the ropes. You'll see a side of love you've never known."

At the moment I'm listening to "In my head (Cover) - Mayday Parade".
I'm not feeling too bad today. In fact I'm waiting for my boyfriend to call me back with an answer. Fingers crossed for me guys, i really do love him and really do want to be with him. He called me today to talk, but i was busy at a University open day. So, he said he will call me back later on. Hopefully he calls tonight. The anticipation is killing me, but I'm trying to be positive about it.

Wow, University next year for me. Scary, but also exciting. I can experience real freedom and happiness that comes with that freedom. Hopefully my dreams come true. Except for one thing, I have no idea what my dreams consist of. Hopefully it's something beautiful and makes me happy for the person I am. Not some person that is fake because it makes other happy.

Still awaiting a call.... my phone lies in my sweaty palms. And wow, Psychology SAC tomorrow... fucking fantastic, right?

Happy thoughts.! :)

"You know I came here when I needed your soft voice. I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer. Now I wait here, and sometimes I get one."

At the moment I'm listening to "Every thug needs a lady - Alkaline Trio."

My boyfriend finally got into contact with me last night. We had this massive phone conversation over whether or not we should be together, and if so, how this will work. We left off with him saying to me "I can't give you an answer right now, is it okay if i get back to you?".

I'm still waiting for a reply. But I do think we will eventually get better. I know that he genuinely loves me and as do I. So all i can do is smile. Talking to my mate, Lauren, REALLY did help. So, if you're reading this, thank you! <3
In fact, all of my mates have been super supportive.

In other news, last night was pretty fun... in a bad way. I had a drinking session with some of my mates... and even tried a certain substance which I will NEVER consume again. Although, it was pretty fun. Drinking away my bad week and waking up next to a bucket of last night's dinner. The headache continues. But all I can do is smile. Whether it be real or fake. You will never know.
<3

"All my life I’ve been looking for the answers to the questions you never asked. And we never planned on this disaster. When will I let it go?"

At the moment I'm listening to "This Disaster - New Found Glory".
Day 4 of my so called boyfriend not contacting me.
But to be honest, I have a lot of bigger problems going on in my life. No, it's not relationships, school or depression in general. It is, in fact, my mum.
She has had a blood clot in her right leg for about 4 days now and it's traveling up her leg, heading for the main artery (Upper Thigh). If it hits that main artery, it could then travel fast towards her heart and she will die. I left for school this morning and my mum told me her leg was feeling fine and the pain hasn't passed her knee cap. When I get home from school, she greets me with a BIG hug and starts crying. She tells me about her day and how it consisted of:

• Going to the doctors just for a check up.
• Realising she had to get rushed away to have an ultrasound IMMEDIATELY!
• Getting the results and having to rush back to her GP.
• Him telling her that the blood clot has moved significantly over night, about 2 inches away from the main artery.
• Now she needs to take injections over the next 10 days to keep her stable.

After hearing this I feel disgusted in myself for two reasons. One: Because I didn't say 'I Love You' to her this morning on the way to school because I was in a rush. Two: Because upon hearing this dreadful news, I had NO reaction what-so-ever. Is that human? Could it be the pills I'm on that prevents me from crying? Or feeling upset? I didn't feel ANYTHING. Not sadness, not happiness and NOTHING in between. That cannot be normal. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just got the news that my mum could have definitely died today and I don't even blink my eyes, let alone cry!
I feel so ashamed in myself. I don't even feel worried in case it gets worse!! :/

Fuck!

"Maybe I'm the runner up but the first one to lose the race."

At the moment I'm listening to "Horseshoes and Hand Grenades - Greenday."
Day 3 of my so called boyfriend not talking to me.
Wow, I just realized I have only eaten an apple over the last 24 hours. Completely by accident aswell. :/
I'm also running on just 2 hours sleep.
I'm a mess.

"Your voice is like the sound of sirens to a house on fire, saving me."

At the moment I'm listening to "Nose over tail - Alkaline Trio."
If only I knew what the fuck is wrong with me. Doctors call it depression. But is it normal to only get extremely unstable within a matter of minutes, rarely and without any trigger?

And also, to think that the one person who broke my heart, and me getting over him In a matter of months, still manages to upset me. Especially since I've got so much else to be upset and angry about.

We had a guest speaker at school today. He said something that I completely agree with. He said:
"The saying 'Time heals everything' is not true. Time just makes things worse".

I believe him. And now I'm thinking, "fuck, I don't stand a fucking chance".

"We’ll sneak out when they sleep and sail off in the night. We’ll come clean and start over the rest of our lives. When we’re gone we’ll stay gone. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s not too late, we have the rest of our lives."

At the moment I'm listening to "Satellite - Rise Against".
Wow, I haven't posted for a while. Don't worry, you haven't missed much in my life. Same old shit. I feel lost. Lost and gone. Gone and no where to be found. The only satisfaction I have now days is smoking... But not even that did it for me tonight, I had to take it one step further.
You know what really pisses me off? The fact that I have an unofficial boyfriend that stops reply to my message half way through. This message was serious and possibly life changing. I've had enough. Hoping for things to get better just doesn't seem to doing me any justice at the moment...
But then again, HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG! I just never get a chance to talk to him or see him. Might as well be single. Might as well be straight. I'm sure I would have no trouble finding a girlfriend, someone close to home, someone who I see nearly every day of the week and WANTS to be with me, regardless of distance, regardless of anything!
FUCK YOU! FUCK EVERYTHING!
I'm done!
I need more cigarettes, or perhaps something a bit stronger and will kill my body faster. Something with sharp edges and can produce a lovely crimson coloured substance.
Goodnight, fuckers.