"I wanna ask you, do you ever sit and wonder, it's so strange that we could be together for so long, and never know, never care what goes on in the other one's head?"

At the moment I'm listening to "You don't know me - Ben Fold (ft. Regina Spektor)".
Last night was pretty wonderful! I got quite shit-faced by like, 12am and THEN we went out to the clubs. Overall, it was a really amazing night. I'm also pretty happy that I didn't spend that much money.

That aside, I've come to the conclusion that I'm pretty lost in life at the moment. I don't know what I want.... with anything?! I'm also feeling a little lonely, and then, I guess, all my emotions come out with this thought of loneliness: overweight, ugly, lonely, broke, lost. I want a relationship, but I don't want to get hurt again, so therefore I'm REALLY scared to even start looking. This is why I'm currently battling with myself over whether or not I should sign up to a dating site. To be realistic, this is the only way/most common way gay people can really meet. I really just don't know what to do with my life? Since I have been hurt before, I absolutely cannot get these negative thoughts out of my head and it makes me really self-conscious and anxious at times. I need help, or a hug? I don't know. :(

I'm actually quite scared of weighing myself tomorrow. Even though I have been to the gym literally every day this week for more than an hour each time, after the weekend I had and all the junk food I ate I am scared.

I want to be normal. Normal-er. I'd even settle for crazy and anti-social. I hate being stuck in the middle. I'm trying to be as happy as I can, and as positive as I can, but at the moment everything is just terrible. :(

This is unfair. Fuck.

"He's not going to the school-prom. He said he had the flu. Jumped-upexcuses as he told mom "I'm safer here with you". She told herson "Someday, they'll all be sorry for mistreating you. Don't be afraidmy son and trust me, you'll be someone they will look up to".

At the moment I'm listening to "The Ballad - Millencolin".
I thought I was going so well! Since Monday I have lost 3.0 kgs and approximately 2cm off my stomach. I have been going to the gym EVERY night and been eating small portions of healthy food each day.... Until tonight when I binged on KFC. :(

I threw it up though. I know it's a terrible habit, I still have the bite marks on my knuckles. Mum always gets suspicious when I'm in the shower with loud "screamo" music playing so you can't hear my dry-renching. :(

I'm a bit disgusted in myself. But oh well. :/

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night though!! I'm going out for a mates birthday! Clubbing in the city!!!! Wooooopp woooop! (: It should be really fun, I really need a drink! :P

Happy reading!

"And you smell like how angels oughta smell. And you look like you're ready to go. So hold my hand, I'll take you everywhere, anywhere you wanna go."

At the moment I'm listening to "Hold my hand - New Found Glory".
Today has been a little confusing I guess..
I kind of had my heart broken in the morning. I know I'm silly, and I know this is stupid, but it looks like I have officially lost something that I have held very close to my heart for a very long time. This person probably doesn't realise how much I admire him, and I guess he'll never know now that he shares feelings for someone else. It's stupid, I know and I've decided to TRY my hardest to just let these feelings go. These feelings were never going anywhere anyways, it's just hard to face the truth sometimes.

I feel like I need to grow up. But, well, I just don't know. From now on I'm just going to try and keep my Uni work up to date and continue with my dieting to make myself a better person! I really want to look good and am using pretty much everything negative in my life as motivation to get there.

:)

"I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar. I've never made a bet, but we gamble with desire. I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire, but recently the flames are getting out of control."

At the moment I'm listening to "Jasey Rae - All Time Low".
I'm pretty happy with how my diet has been going. I've cut down my portion sizes dramatically and have been hitting the gym hard! In two days (since Monday) I have lost 2.7kgs and lost 1cm around my waist. If this is what I'm like every week, I will be a very happy Jordan (:

I've got uni tomorrow, another long day, and I know I'm going to have trouble getting up in the morning since I'm so buggered from the gym.

I found this! It's quite amusing and motivational!!

"5 Reasons to get fit:

1- To be a healthier person.
2- To live longer and reduce the risk of high blood pressure.
3- To show your ex what they missed out on.
4- To improve your self-esteem.
5- To look better naked."

Haha! <3

"Now hush little baby, don't you cry, everything's gonna be alright. Stiffen that upper lip up little lady, I told ya, daddy's here to hold ya through the night. I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why, we fear how we feel inside. It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby, but I promise momma's gon' be alright."

At the moment I'm listening to "Mockingbird - Eminem".
I forgot how emotional and powerful this song was. I'm always in tears right now listening to it! :/

Anyways, I am VERY disgusted in myself. I weighed myself today and could not believe what I saw. I currently weight..... 101.2kgs. Fuck that! I just cannot believe it... Although I did know I had put on weight, but I didn't think it was that much!! So, I have DEFINITELY decided to go back to my old, yet disgusting, ways. But only for a little while until I get enough self-esteem to continue with a healthier diet and fitness plan.

I am also going back to keeping track of my calorie intake, just as a guide. Today's diet consisted of only a piece of fruit for lunch and LOTS of water... And cigarettes, of course. I know it's unhealthy. But I'll feel better in the end. :)

In more exciting news, I'm going clubbing on Saturday night! I'm pretty excited because it's the first real time I've been clubbing and not having to worry about how I get home. I'm staying in the city in some hotel with mates. Looking forward to it!

AND, MY LAB REPORT IS FINALLY DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! I can finally have my life back!

"Veronica spends all day chasing little lies. Penny's got something for the blues behind her eyes. Eddie don't talk to much, he can barely stand the pain. As the camera flickers on and on with visions of the end. The beautiful and the insane waiting for our lucky number. Start a war, gonna liberate this Nation of Thieves. We like our angels bleeding for the love and the fall. Manipulate reality to understand it all. New abstract suicide, she gets off on a little blow now. Mind fuck numb TV show we're a nation..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Nation of Thieves - Strung Out".
Words cannot simply describe how I'm feeling at the moment. One that comes pretty close, however, is the word "lost". I feel a little lost with everything in life at the moment, everything from weight to relationships. Let's talk about weight.

I'm too scared to jump on the scales because I'm afraid of what I'll see. Doesn't matter what I do, dieting, going to the gym as much as possible, cutting down my portion sizes, nothing seems to be working. The only thing that has worked in the past is 'binge-purging' and extreme fasting. In the state that I'm in at the moment and after my experience on the train today, I might resort to my old habits once again, even though I will be extremely disgusted in myself later on. On the train today I tried sitting in my seat next to this guy and I pretty much couldn't fit... it was really uncomfortable and embarrassing. If I do result to going back to my old habits, I need to wait until I'm off the medication I'm on at the moment (which should be in two days). I need to take these tablets with food, so I HAVE to eat...which sucks in a way. I'm only resorting to this for a little bit because I'm feeling really uncomfortable with my appearance. I will only do it for a short amount of time to boost my self esteem and make myself lose weight quickly JUST so I have enough motivation and happiness to keep going to the gym and becoming a healthier person. Last time I lost 11kgs in just over a week by practically starving myself. This will help me get a head start into becoming healthy (as bad as it is). And yes, I do know the health implications of this, and I also know that once I start eating properly again, I will gain wait quicker, but maybe just for a week or two I can be thin(ish) and happy with myself. :)

I'll see how I go!

It's been a pretty shit week. Not feeling happy tonight, not at all. Just one of those days, you know?

In more of an up-beat topic, I'm going to a football match tomorrow for the first time in 8 years! I'm pretty excited! I can perve AND enjoy the game.... It's just a shame I have to share this experience with not just my mum, but my dad too.

..yay. :/

Hope you're well.

"Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself. Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once). Not tormented daily, defeated by you, just when I thought I'd reached the bottom."

At the moment I'm listening to "Going Under - Evanescence".
I'm feeling SUPER fat at the moment. I've been eating too much lately and I really need to stop being so unhealthy! I've gained quite a lot of weight (even though I haven't checked on the scales for a while, I can just feel that I've put on weight) within the past month and I'm feeling really uncomfortable with my appearance (once again, URGHHH)! I just need the motivation and time to get back into a healthy routine, and I really need to stick with it! This is my main issue at the moment in my life....but a part from this, things are going great :D

I'm quite excited about a new change in Australian society. There has been a survey going around recently about the public opinion on equal marriage rights to pass the 2012 'Marriage Amendment Bill' and the 2012 'Marriage Equality Bill'. I'm excited to think that society is definitely on its way to legalising same-sex marriage, even changing the definition of marriage from "...between a man and a woman" to "...between two people". So, if you're reading this and have a spare 5 minutes, do this survey! It closes tonight, but don't stress if you don't do it. Hopefully the majority of Australia has done it already :)

Also, I'm going through a bit of a Ben Moody phase at the moment. I'd love to sing like him! Every time I try, I seem to hurt my throat... :/

http://www.aph.gov.au/Parliamentary_Business/Committees/House_of_Representatives_Committees?url=spla%2Fbill+marriage%2Findex.htm

Happy reading, and share the love :)