"You made me feel so wanted, you made me feel complete. But over time it hit me, lies emerge, now they're all I see. Over the time it hit me, please just tell me why your tongue speaks lies."

At the moment I'm listening to "A Letter to Emily - Lost Autumn".
I only found out about the band Lost Autumn today through my mate Jack. They're really good, I'm really enjoying listening to them tonight as I lay in my warm bed! Thanks Jack (If you're reading this)!

Meanwhile, today I had some mates over for a jam session. It was lovely and fun (:

Mood at the moment: Calm.
Calories for today: 52 (I have only eaten 2 lollies... So I count that as not really eating anything all day).
Money status: Poor.
Hair status: Going for a hair cut tomorrow... maybe. Need to stop pulling out my hair.
Water status: Had a minimum of 2 liters of water today. Been pissing every 2 seconds.
Self appearance: Thinner than yesterday (which is rad!).

:)

"You can say I knew it all along, that you were all I wanted. To know the pain has made you grow strong, the scars inside have made you beautiful. Stop breathing for me, you said it's your right to shun dependence...and you shun. And you're scared to accept someone, to share your regrets when you're aching."

At the moment I'm listening to "Knew it all along - Midtown".
Today's day did not consist of much at all. I did eat a whole meal though... and sadly I didn't throw it back up. I think mum's getting suspicious as to why I have very loud music playing in the bathroom when I shower.

I also looked into downloading this iPhone app called "Myfitnesspal" and it's been kinda useful! It's like a diet diary type thing and also tells you the calories of EVERYTHING! It tells me I am meant to have around 2020 calories a day, and today I had approximately 1073 calories. Vomitting or starving myself would have been easier and more effective though. Friday after seeing my 'ever-so-thin' ex boyfriend I weighed myself, and I weighed myself again today.

Friday is when I started starving myself and vomitting.... the results are definatelly showing!!

Fridays weight: 97.5kgs
Mondays (Todays) Weight: 95.1kgs

Losing 2.4kgs in only 2 days is amazing!! (: I've also decided that every second day is my 'Don'tYouDareFuckingEat' day. (: So, that means no eating tomorrow :)

Hope you're well!

"Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens. A thousand clever lines unread, on clever napkins. I will never ask if you don't ever tell me. I know you well enough to know...you never loved me."

At the moment I'm listening to "Cute without the E - Taking back Sunday".

I've gone another whole day without eating a single thing. All I've had is a glass of milk and bottles of water all day!

Even though I know this is extremely unhealthy, I feel thin! (:

"Hey Miss Murder can I make beauty stay if I take my life?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Miss Murder - A.F.I"
I was going SOOOOOOOO good today with my eating plan...
I literally did eat anything until about 3pm when I decided If I didn't eat anything I might faint, So I ate 2 boiled eggs...

After that I felt fine and not hungry anymore until about 7:30. At 7:30 I decided to have a banana to take some pills for my headache (I didn't want to have the pills on an empty stomach) and then after that I could NOT stop eating. I had some Lasagna and then mum suggested that we ordered a pizza for dinner. So, obviously I couldn't say no to pizza. BUT at that moment when I ordered the pizza I came to the conclusion that I was going to have a "Binge-Purge" night. I haven't done that in a while! But I ended up eating a WHOLE family sized pizza all to myself and finished it off with a large glass of strawberry milk (because it smooths the process of bringing everything back up again).

I hopped into the shower and barfed out a pizza, some lasagna, 2 eggs, a banana and some strawberry milk. I actually feel SO much better.... even though I know this is stupid!

Feeling fat, but getting thin! :)

"How can I put it, you put me on. I even fell for that stupid love song. Yeah, yeah, since you been gone. How come I'd never hear you say "I just wanna be with you"? Guess you never felt that way... But since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time."

At the moment I'm listening to "Since you've been gone (Cover) - A Day To Remember".
I'm still feeling very shit about my eventful Australia day. I woke up at 9pm night..... I fucking woke up 30 minutes ago! I don't feel like doing much... only feel like sleeping. And it's pretty good so far, I haven't eaten in over 24 hours :)

Yesterday, after I posted I decided to write some lyrics about how I felt... It turned out more like a poem though. Writing seems to be the best release of anger and sadness. Check it out:

"Scream my name like how a crowd sings a chorus,
See your reflection and realise what you've done,
Live your perfect life as I fade into the distance,
I think i've had enough so you better fucking run!

You make me sick with your innocent complexion,
That hides away the monster you truely are.
You expressed your lie and lost my affection,
You better start to run, you better run far

I sit here in the cold and tremble at night,
Yet somehow I envy the person you've become,
You get what you want without putting up a fight,
It still makes me bleed how you shine in the sun!

The blood will only stop flowing when I can see that you have become as miserable as I am.
Only then will my scars start to heal over."

"I never thought I'd die alone,another six months I'll be unknown. Give all my things to all my friends, you'll never step foot in my room again. You'll close it off, board it up, remember the time that I spilled the cup of apple juice in the hall? Please tell mum this is not her fault."

At the moment I'm listening to "Adam's Song - Blink 182".
Today was kind of a nice day. I went to the beach with my mates to celebrate 'Australia Day'. However, my amazingly fun day was completely ruined by seeing my ex boyfriend. I saw him and some of his mates walk past me as I was on the beach. This is the same person whose final words to me were "I pretended to love you the whole time" and "You need to do something about your weight issue". He is looking really thin and muscly at the moment. Wow, you probably have no idea how jealous I feel. As of now, I am not eating until I feel like I'm going to be sick. And this will stay as rule for me until I get thin. I never thought i'd resort to this option ever again. But I just feel completely fat.

I have two options:

• Commit suicide.
• Stop eatting until I get thin.

I will try with the second option for now. Although, the meaning of the song I am listening to at the moment is really getting me curious to see if there is anything better on the other side.

Goodnight.

"You're so mean when you talk about yourself. You are wrong, change the voices in your head, make them like you instead."

At the moment I'm listening to "Fucking Perfect - Pink".
Well, the brownies I made the other day at 5am turned out pretty well, If I don't say so myself ;) However, the fact that they have like 1,000,000 grams of fat in them is not cool. :( I really need to start losing weight. It's making me pretty shitty about myself. I really wish GOOD weight loss drugs are available without a prescription. Something like Duromine would be perfect. I think I might talk to my doctor about possibly going on something. I also need to go to him to get a blood test done, I might book that in soon. I need to do my usual 6 months HIV test to see if I don't have it. I'm quite certain I don't have HIV or something like it.... I'm VERY careful in that department, even If i am having sex quite regularily with different guys.

Anyways, I've discovered a new or possibly hidden talent: drawing! It's fun, relieves stress and best of all, it doesn't make you put on weight :)

Check out the drawing I did today :)