"And I turn and scream "What am I here for?" The nurses yell "You were left at the door." I'm a stranger, someone left me for dead and I need to decide what to do next."

At the moment I'm listening to "Listen to your Friends - New Found Glory".

I'm feeling super fat. Today I weighed in at 101.5kgs. This is NOT acceptable and I don't want to ever be this size again. Starting from tomorrow when I get back into my uni routine, I am going to lose weight. Hardcore. It's not that I'm lacking motivation, it's just that I'm lacking self-control, and I need to take control now.!!!

Goal weight is still 80-85kgs and I am determined, now more than ever, to make that happen!!

Looking forward to uni though, but I also need to look good (:

Also, here are some lyrics of the song I'm listening to at the moment. I like it (:

"Listen to your Friends - New Found Glory"

I wake up in a waiting room
With the taste of blood
And a clouded view
I notice there is a tear in my jeans
The sleeves of my shirt have been ripped from their seams
My memory is a little bit blank
The thought of my name doesn't seem to come back
And I turn and scream "what am I here for?"
The nurses yell "you were left at the door"
I'm a stranger, someone left me for dead
And I need to decide what to do next

Oh
Just then I found a note in my pocket, it read:
"I don't ever wanna see you again" and I guess
That explains why I can't remember the rest of the night

I should have listened to my friends
I should have listened to them
When they told me you had bad intentions

I remember the string of events
From the dinner receipt
When a grabbed your hand
I know that you went in for a kiss
And I told you "that's not only what this is"
You held me at the end of my seat
And you had that look, the look of defeat
You wish that you could start this over
Instead you left me in a coma

Oh
Just then I found a note in my pocket, it read:
"I don't ever wanna see you again" and I guess
That explains why I can't remember the rest of the night

I should have listened to my friends
I should have listened to them
When they told me you had bad intentions

I should have listened to my friends
I should have listened to them
When they told me you had bad intentions

Oh
Just then I found a note in my pocket, it read:
"I don't ever wanna see you again" and I guess
That explains why I can't remember the rest of the night
Yeah

I should have listened to my friends
(and I don't ever wanna see you again)
I should have listened to them
When they told me you had bad intentions

I should have listened to my friends
(and I don't ever wanna see you again)
(LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS!)
I should have listened to them
When they told me you had bad intentions

When they told me you had bad intentions [x2]

:D

"A silhouette of you and me, just negative space and time. Just reference to a simpler history. I'd sacrifice a million nights for a moments peace with you. Reflections to dissect reality. It's all in what we hold as being real. When the symbol kills the substance then we've lost. Save me one more time and I'll be free from the alleyways of my heart."

At the moment I'm listening to "Velvet Alley - Strung Out".

I just hoped in the shower and my eyes noticed a realllllly fat guy in the mirror. Haha, oooops. I really need to start running again. I haven't for about a week because I just simply haven't had the time. I've also eaten terribly. It's really hard being on a diet when it's around the time of my birthday. :/

Anyways, I'm also really concerned for my mum. She had another break down yesterday because of our family being driven into poverty. Nothing seems to be working out for her at the moment. It's quite sad. And today, I put $150 into her account because I know she's struggling, and she found out and locked herself in her room. She wouldn't talk to me. Finally I got through to her and reassured her that things will and have to get better!

Which they will....right?

"Please forgive me for the sorrow, for leaving you in fear. For the dreams we had to silence, that's all they'll ever be. Still I'll be the hand that serves you though you'll not see that it is me. So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed. Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind? So many years have past, who are the noble and the wise? Will all our sins be justified?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Hand of Sorrow - Within Temptation".
Had a pretty cool week, feeling a little exhausted though. My birthday has been pretty fun, caught up with mates, saw some family and ate.... Quite a lot of unhealthy food. It's hard being on a diet or fitness routine when you have:
A) No time; and
B) A lot of big family gatherings all week complete with lots of delicious foods.
I'm still running, but I haven't been as much as I like this week for the reasons mentioned above. I also have come down with flu symptoms, so that's also slowed me down a little bit. The rest of this week and next week will be better though (: I'm well determined.

I'm also looking forward to catching up with uni mates this week for some quality music time and loads of laughter. I might also be performing at an open mic night on Thursday night. I'm a little nervous because I haven't done it in a while, but then again, super excited!!

There's nothing more exciting and amazing in this world (apart from cheese) than performing in front of a smiling crowd with a spotlight shining above your head as you sing your lungs out and strum until your fingers bleed.

Heaven. (:

"So go do what you like, make sure you do it wise. You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing was ever there. You can't go forcing something if it's just not right. No time to search the world around because you know where I'll be found, when I come around."

At the moment I'm listening to "When I Come Around - Greenday".

So, today's my birthday!!! Yay!! 19 years old today and SO excited that I can finally use my Green P Plates and carry more than one passenger around. However, with that comes more obligation to do so.... But I guess it can be fun until I run out of petrol! (:

I had a pretty sweet day, I had a lovely lunch with some close friends and then came home and had a nice dinner nc cake with my family. :) It's lovely to have a day with pure happiness.... However, I really must go for a run tomorrow because I ate a lot of unhealthy foods today. So I'm looking forward to that! (:

I'm also SUPER excited for the weekend because I'm going to see the new Batman movie! Ridiculously excited!!

Hope you're well! (:

"Live and let live. You'll be the show girl of the home team, I'll be the narrator telling another tale of the American dream. I see your name in lights, we can make you a star. Girl, we'll take the world by storm, It isn't that hard..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Dear Maria, Count me in - All Time Low".
Feeling pretty great at the moment. However, a little disappointed in myself over my midnight binge of like a kilo of potato gems...

Apart from that, I've been trying to get fit and healthy! So far I've been on two runs with this new running app I have. It works really well and is really motivational and inspiring! I've actually been enjoying it. My next run is tomorrow. My eating habits really need to improve, and fast, if I want this to work. I'm working on it, and it's definitely not getting me down. I'm feeling pretty happy and up-beat!
My tattoo is coming out pretty nicely. It's been over a week since I got it done and the scabbing is mostly gone. It's just a little itchy sometimes.... which is normal, but it looks good and is still a reminder that things have a way of working out.

Mum's still in Paris, but she comes back in 3 days. Really looking forward to see her! She was a little sad today when I spoke to her because it turns out that we won't be getting this house that she had hoped for. She was very disappointed, but she has to stop getting her hopes up so quickly, I guess. I'm not really fussed where we live, or this whole situation involving my mum and dad getting back together.... I like to look at it as "I'm moving out soon anyways." I guess if it makes my family happy, then I should be happy as well.

Two nights ago I decided to branch out my learning and I enrolled into a short Sign Language course. I'm quite excited in starting that because it has always been something that I was interested in doing.... and now, I guess I am. :) It's a 6 week course with one class a week for 2 hours. And it should even getting my confidence up in driving to and from the venue, which is about 30 minutes from my house. Hopefully once completing this course, even though it's at a beginners level, I can broaden my search for a future or present job. If I require more learning or skills I would be more than happy to go on and do the next 2 levels of the course. :P

My Birthday is also in a few days. I'm looking forward to catching up with my mates.... but most importantly, I'm looking forward to gaining my Green P Plates!!! FINALLY!! Drive-Ins here I come! :)

So overall, feeling pretty happy and I finally feel like my life is sorting itself into some sort of order. Hope you're well :D

"What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end, it doesn't even matter. I had to fall, to lose it all, but in the end It doesn't even matter."

At the moment I'm listening to "In the End - Linkin Park".

I'm sick and tired of being this fat. I'm very much looking forward to getting back into a routine consisting of exercise, fitness and healthy eating. I need to become a more healthier me (however, I'm not yet ready to quit smoking, it's the only bad habit I'm deciding to keep).

I need to do this for me, and I hope to god that I stick to it this time! I always seem to fall off the rails when it comes to things like this, but I'm determined to make this routine last!!

I am lacking a little bit of motivation to run, but I think that is mainly because I'm scared, embarrassed and shy to run in public in fear of others judgements.... It's a little stupid, I know, but I guess I'll just have to get over this fear and just keep pushing myself!!

I hope this works! :D

"So come and talk to me, on my computer screen, the best years of ourlives aren't as easy as they seem. But one day we'll look back and thenwe'll have to laugh, they used to call us names, now they want ourautograph. To get the girl, to make the grade, it's all a show, it’sall a game, and I would lose it if I played, it's all the same. So idon't care, what they say, i don't need them anyway, I'll just go aboutmy day. But anyway."

At the moment I'm listening to "The Click - Good Charlotte".

I've come to realise that even though last week was shit, this week won't be! I need to be happy, I need to be happy!!! I WILL be happy! I really want to now start looking at the positives in life more clearly and focus on the things that mean the most to me, not the things that bring me down in any way!!

And to start this off: I've been meaning to do this for a long time now, but I am absolutely sick and tired of seeing my self-harm scars and being reminded of all the negative things in my life and in my past! SO, yesterday I got a tattoo over them. This tattoo is an ambiguous raven figure with the word "Nevermore" shape inside of it! It's a reminder of how I used Edgar Allen Poe's poem. "The Raven" to distract me from doing anything bad again! This method helped me probably more than anything, and therefore being significant to me! The poem itself also symbolises a great loss of hope and spiralling into a dark place, but then being lifted back into reality! This tattoo will always remind me of how things will get better, eventually!!

Hope you're well! <3

"Do you get, do you get a little kick out of being small minded?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Fuck You - Lily Allen".

Well, I just had a pretty dredful day. I thought someone was quite special and genuinely nice.... which he really portrayed himself to be, I guess I was wrong. When someone is texting and talking to me consistently for about a week, making me so happy, feeling like I actually had a place in this world, and then suddenly, completely out of the blue, they start to ignore you, and then you ask why, and they ignore you some more, even though you know they're there; this upsets me. I'm somewhat furious. .... So I guess I can't trust anyone.

Last night I had a very severe anxiety/panic attack. It was the first one I've had in about 7-9 months and it was absolutely terrible. Couldn't breathe, couldn't stop shaking, was feeling numb, hot and cold all at the same time. I got up out of bed and went to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and then I felt like I needed to vomit, so I went to the toilet but as I walked into the toilet I started seeing blots and spots in my eyes, and my heart was racing incredibly fast. Next thing I know I woke up on the floor next to the toilet, I think I might have bumped my head on the way down. Then I vommited a little bit and syumbled back to bed where I got no sleep because I was shaking too much and had a splitting headache.

Woke up this morning with a very bad migrain! It was definitely not a fun experience. But today's experience and disappointment with life was more upsetting. Sometimes you just need to bleed just to know if you're alive.

Not a very fun day. At all. Fuck this.