"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for a break thatwould make it okay. There's always some reason to feel not good enough,and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction, ohbeautiful release. Memories seep from my veins, let me be empty andweightless, and maybe I'll find some peace tonight."

At the moment I'm listening to "Angel - Sarah McLachlan".
Such a beautiful and sad song!
This week has been pretty empty. I've finished Uni for the semester and am now on 3 months holidays. I have exams over the next 3 weeks. It's killing me to pay attention and study when I'm in "one of these moods".

I'm getting no where. John Lennon says "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." but I'm not busy doing anything and I can just sense that my life is passing me by. It's passing me by so slowly that it's waving at me and teasing me when it passes by, and every time I try to catch up to it, it speeds off again just to humiliate me.

What's the point in even talking about my problems when I know I am the only one who can fix them, I'm just too lazy to do so.

If I had the motivation or the goal to keep myself from being this way, I would be much happier. My problem is laziness. I'm lazy because I'm upset, and I'm upset because I'm lazy and unmotivated.

Being thin would solve all my problems. Even though I see chubby people as being A LOT more attractive than thin people, that might not be the case for people looking at me.

Modern society tells me: If I was thin, I'd find love.
It sickens me to hear this..... But could it be the truth? Probably!
I really want to be in love again. I really miss it and cannot find anyone who will love me for who I am. The only person who would love me for who I am, is the person who is now dating someone who is absolutely gorgeous and I just cannot stand it! So now, I can't even talk to him! Which is sad! But, I have no other choice! All I really wanted in this life was him! And even when he found this out, he just laughed it away and we all pretended to keep living a "happy" life. Next thing I know is he's telling me all about his new man and how wonderful it is. I faked a smile and had a cry later on that night....
I just realised I was babbling on... I'm sure you're sick of hearing that story anyways.

Okay, I'm going back to bed. I don't give a fuck if it's 2:46 in the afternoon. If I could stay in bed my whole life, that would be amazing! ....but that's just silly, I need to buy smokes. Then back to bed!

Bye.