"I wanna run, but only far enough to make you miss me. I wanna take back all the shit that I have done, but I guess you were better off without me. I need to start to be myself cause I'm sick of everybody else. I won't let you bring me down, it's here and now, I'm breaking out. I will learn to love again, but I will stand a broken man."

At the moment I'm listening to "Broken man - Boys like Girls".

I'm having a little bit of writers block at the moment... I guess, I don't really know what to write. Should I continue to write about my pathetic excuse of a life? Should I write about my relationship confusions and heartaches? Should I talk about the fact that I haven't had a proper meal for over a week, and anything I did eat I ended up throwing up? Should I talk about my life goals and how all of them are incomplete? Should I talk about my exes and how much more attractive they are than me? Should I talk about my childhood, my abusive father and the fact that I was sexually harassed by my female cousin? Should I talk about how much I wished I was straight just to be "normal"? Should I talk about the possibility of my parents getting back together?

I'm sick of talking about the same thing over and over again on this blog! And I bet you're all sick of hearing it. I don't even know If you're reading this, but If you are, I'm sorry for you guys. You have to constantly put up with a stupid fuck like myself.

One thing I would like to talk about is the fact that I think I might be losing one of my closest mates. I have known her since the beginning and she has helped me endlessly throughout my life. I haven't seen her or even spoken to her properly since the start of the year. I don't want to jump to conclusions right away, but I just feel like I'm dragging her down and for that, she doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. I don't think I have spent quality time with her, one-on-one, in about 3 or 4 years. It's extremely saddening and heartbreaking to know that she is enjoying her life with her new mates, some of my mates, and (this probably isn't true) but it just seems like I'm being left out, forgotten, abandoned.

Fuck life. Nothing will ever get better, falling downhill is a lot faster than pulling yourself back up, so why the fuck not accept the fact that things will never be different.

"Never thought I'd say I'm sorry, never thought I'd be the one to bringyou down. Now, when I look out my window, but there doesn't seem to beanyone around. And I, I think I'll change my ways, so all your wordsget noticed. Tomorrow's a brand new day. Tomorrow's a new day."

At the moment I'm listening to "Brand New Day - Forty Foot Echo".

Watching Eurovision at the moment on TV, fuck there is some talent out there!! So inspiring! :-)

I weighed myself today. It looks like my "diet" is paying off. I haven't eaten a proper meal (and kept it down) for about a week now! In just over a month I have lost 4.5kgs and 3cm off my stomach! Lovely news!

I also made SO much food today! I was in my cooking mood! Haha! I made homemade hamburgers for dinner, with homemade chips and homemade mayo. Then for desert I made yummy Choc-chip and Peanut butter cookies! (Photos Below).

Then after all this, my mum and I made dinner and desert for tomorrow night. :)

..it's just a shame that all the lovely food I ate today wasn't in my body for more than 10 minutes.
Oh well (: Happy reading!

"She's singing softly in the night, praying for the morning light. She dreams of how they used to be, at dawn they will be free. Memories, they haunt his mind, save him from the endless night. She whispers warm and tenderly, please come back to me."

At the moment I'm listening to "Never Forget - Gréta Salóme & Jónsi".
I just discovered this song about an hour ago! It's really beautifully written. I discovered it whilst watching Eurovision, the team from Iceland wrote it and sung it on stage tonight! You should all really watch this video and hear the beauty of this song!!!

Okay, enough about music. I've been pretty up and down ALL week. In fact, for the past 4 days I have had a hardcore "Twice-the-taste-zero-calories" phase. Well, I actually think this is just a phase.... it's been going on and off for a couple of years now, but never has it been this addicitve and satisfying.

I know it's very damaging to my health and it's just fucked up (but then again, "fucked up" are the only two words that can truly define my life), but It just feels too good to stop and I don't want to stop. I can't even tell if I'm losing weight by doing it or not.... but nonetheless, it just feels great! Gym has been good as well! I haven't really had a lot of time to go this week, but at least I still managed to go, even if it was just for little bit. So, in summary, my last meal I had, that i kept down, was on monday night. Aren't I just naughty?! :P

So, obviously, still feeling like crap at the moment. Nothing really dramatically changes in my life. Sometimes I wish something dramatic or awful, or even happy will happen in my life. Like the other night, I was in the car with my sister and her fiance going to a family party late at night, the whole time I was wishing that we crashed or had a terrible accident. I know this is NOT normal.... but sometimes I just feel these things. Why try and supress these true feelings? I'll write about them instead.

Anyways, hope you're doing well. Those of you who read this, thankyou. You're probably really disgusted in the person you know....but, you're sticking by me. You'll always be my favouites! :P

Happy reading!



"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for a break thatwould make it okay. There's always some reason to feel not good enough,and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction, ohbeautiful release. Memories seep from my veins, let me be empty andweightless, and maybe I'll find some peace tonight."

At the moment I'm listening to "Angel - Sarah McLachlan".
Such a beautiful and sad song!
This week has been pretty empty. I've finished Uni for the semester and am now on 3 months holidays. I have exams over the next 3 weeks. It's killing me to pay attention and study when I'm in "one of these moods".

I'm getting no where. John Lennon says "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." but I'm not busy doing anything and I can just sense that my life is passing me by. It's passing me by so slowly that it's waving at me and teasing me when it passes by, and every time I try to catch up to it, it speeds off again just to humiliate me.

What's the point in even talking about my problems when I know I am the only one who can fix them, I'm just too lazy to do so.

If I had the motivation or the goal to keep myself from being this way, I would be much happier. My problem is laziness. I'm lazy because I'm upset, and I'm upset because I'm lazy and unmotivated.

Being thin would solve all my problems. Even though I see chubby people as being A LOT more attractive than thin people, that might not be the case for people looking at me.

Modern society tells me: If I was thin, I'd find love.
It sickens me to hear this..... But could it be the truth? Probably!
I really want to be in love again. I really miss it and cannot find anyone who will love me for who I am. The only person who would love me for who I am, is the person who is now dating someone who is absolutely gorgeous and I just cannot stand it! So now, I can't even talk to him! Which is sad! But, I have no other choice! All I really wanted in this life was him! And even when he found this out, he just laughed it away and we all pretended to keep living a "happy" life. Next thing I know is he's telling me all about his new man and how wonderful it is. I faked a smile and had a cry later on that night....
I just realised I was babbling on... I'm sure you're sick of hearing that story anyways.

Okay, I'm going back to bed. I don't give a fuck if it's 2:46 in the afternoon. If I could stay in bed my whole life, that would be amazing! ....but that's just silly, I need to buy smokes. Then back to bed!

Bye.

"I've got a book of matches, I've got a can of kerosene, I've got some bad ideas involving you and me. I don't blame you for walking away, I touched myself at thoughts of flames, I shat the bed and laid there in it, thinking of you wide awake for days. And I found you tongue-tied in my twisted little brain, you couldn't crack a smile, I didn't catch your name. I don't blame you for walking away I'd do the same if I saw me. I swear it's not contagious, in four short steps we can erase this."

At the moment I'm listening to "This could be Love - Alkaline Trio".

Step one: Slit my throat.

Step two: Play in my blood.

Step three: Cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house.

Step four: Stop at Lake Michigan and rinse your crimson hands.

You took me hostage and made your demands, I couldn't meet them so you cut off my fingers, one by one.

This could be love, love for fire.

^^These lyrics are quite an accurate portrayal of "Love".

My week has been pretty swell, not much to report. Tomorrow is my last day of uni and I'm really looking my 4 month break! I'm mostly looking forward to getting my life together start with eating healthier, going to the gym more often, studying hard, looking for a job, getting more confident in driving places, reduce my smoking, socialising more with the people who matter and maybe even getting myself out there searching for someone special.

I'm getting REALLY fat(ter) lately because I've discovered a little hidden talent: cooking. Cooking makes me really happy, but eating a lot doesn't.

Oh well.

Enjoy life?! <3

"How can you just leave me standing alone in a world that's so cold?Maybe I'm just too demanding, maybe I'm just like my father, too bold.Maybe you're just like my mother, she's never satisfied. Why do wescream at each other? This is what it sounds like, when doves cry!"

At the moment I'm listening to "When Doves Cry - Prince".

As my weekend comes to an end, I guess I can go to bed with a smile on my face! (: Hopefully my happiness "phase" will last a lot longer than the sad "phase" does. I hate the sadness phase, but I'm lucky it usually only lasts for about 1-2weeks max! I'm glad I'm getting back onto the happiness at the moment.

My weekend was pretty amazing. Friday I had uni and afterwards I went to a bar to watch my mates band play! Saturday I spent the day in the city with mates. We went to an Equal Marriage Rights rally and marched though the city, raising our voices and speaking up for equal rights in Australia. Julia Gillard can go fuck a goat. And today, my family and I took my mum to this beautiful (and expensive!!!) restaurant to celebrate mothers day. The place we went to is the same place where my sister has booked the reception for her wedding. :D Lovely weekend!

This week coming up is my last week of uni for the semester! I'm very excited to have this semester over so I can enjoy relaxing on my 2 month break. Exams are soon though, which is a bit scary... But they shouldn't be that bad. I'm also a little disappointed that I'm not doing Philosophy as a subject next year. It just doesn't fit into my course outline. Oh well (:

As far as my social and relationship issues are going, I've just been trying to forget EVERYTHING! It's been pretty hard, and it still is, but it's getting better. At least I'm smiling! (:

Weight issues is still the same. Up and down as always. But, who the fuck cares if I'm fat?!

Anyways, I'm off to play piano! Share the love, and check out the most amazing photos I took on Saturday! <3

"She was only seventeen, lost in the spaces in between, looking for a place she could belong. He was a new face on the scene, another punk with his heart on his sleeve, he was gonna change the world with his song. But the world has its own ideas, we all must play the hand fate deals. When our plans have come and gone, we all sing a one heart song. We All Sing Along!"

At the moment I'm listening to "We All Sing Along - The Bouncing Souls".

I've had a pretty emotionally crazy week. I guess my food poisoning I had last night and today hopefully brings my mental and physical sickness to a stop, for now. I really just need to keep my head focused on Uni and my close mates!

I made cookies today to ease my mind, check the photo below! They were peanut butter and choc-chip cookies! RIDICULOUSLY yummy!! They made me happy!! :D

I'm quite looking forward to my weekend! It should definitely take my mind off things! I'm going to see my mates band on Friday night, Saturday day I have an 'Equal Marriage Rights' rally in the city, Saturday night I might be going to the footy (not sure yet) and Sunday is mothers day!

As far as 'The Raven' is going, I have completely memorised the first 5 stanzas. I think I'll stop there (it's only the start of the poem that I like):

"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this, and nothing more".

I have a lot to look forward to! Hopefully this pain will go away soon! Really hope so! For all of you guys reading my blog, I love you all and thanks for putting up with my shit! :D <3

"Now, the pain keeps digging in, reminder of mistakes, I never wish I made! I don't wanna run away, I don't wanna be the one who falls. I wanna stay but you won't change at all!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Run Away - Ben Moody".
I was actually having a relatively good couple of days! I figured out that since I hit rock bottom, there was only one way to go from there; up! I went to uni today, didn't eat a thing during the day and went to gym after uni!

I then went out for a buffet dinner to celebrate my grandmas birthday. Even though I didn't eat a lot of food at this buffet, I somehow managed to get food poisoning! -.-

I just finished throwing up!! I've been throwing up for the last 2 hours on and off! Vomiting always feels worse when my fingers aren't down my throat! It's much more satisfying making myself vomit! NOT vomiting due to sickness!

So, as a result of this sickness I now have a splitting headache, saw throat and feeling flu-like and nauseous!!

Don't think I'll be able to make it to uni tomorrow, unfortunately! I LOVE Wednesdays at uni!

AND, to just top off my day, I was looking at my friends Facebook when I found posts from "my somewhat-crush-not-really-a-crush-anymore-awkward-friendship-type-thing" boasting about how he is going out with this guy and it's really great and how "Jordan will die alone, from obesity and will never find love and will always be lonely, ugly and fat and completely misunderstood and other negative things about myself".

...okay, I made that last bit up. But sometimes, this is how I see things.

Fuck you, and goodnight.

"Tell me again your fucked up excuses, dying fighting a life of abuse. When fame is your game, you say I'm to blame. But you know, but you know..."

At the moment I'm listening to "10.22 - Ben Moody".

Well, I've finally hit rock bottom.

Yay me.

My goals for today were:
- Throw up.
- Smoke.
- Sleep.
- Scream.
- Make myself bleed (ironically my cat did this for me, haha).
- Punch something.
- Remember as much of "The Raven" as I can.
- Be negative.
- Accidentally make people annoyed at my negative behaviour.
- Cry.
- Pretend.

All of today's goals were successfully achieved.

This is all I've remembered so far:

"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary. Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore. While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door - Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December, and each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor. Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow. From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore. For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore - Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain, thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before. So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating `'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door - Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; - This it is, and nothing more".

"Had a bad day, don't talk to me, gonna ride this out. My little black heart, breaks apart, with your big mouth. And I'm sick of my sickness, don't touch me, you'll get this. I'm useless, lazy, perverted, and you hate me. You can't save me, you can't change me. Well I'm waiting for my wakeup call, and everything, everything's my fault."

At the moment I'm listening to "Save me - Unwritten Law".
This is a song only reserved for absolutely shit day! Today (and last night) is one of them!

Once again, I'm concerned. My thoughts are starting to take over and the negatives have seem to be getting stronger. Wonderful! I'm not even going to go into my problems, because I'm sure you're all sick of reading about them and to be honest, I really can't be bothered talking about them again. Everything has hit my memory all at once, once again.

I didn't cut. However I did something similar. Hopefully this won't scar as bad. In fact, I don't think it'll scar at all. I guess that's good! I've also made up a bit of a new coping method. Every time my memory starts to wander into dark places I try to recite large pieces of complicated literature in my head! At the moment I'm working on Edgar Allen Poe's 'The Raven'.

I've memorised the first stanza so far.

"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary. Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore. While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 'tis some visitor' I muttered 'tapping at my chamber door'. Only this, and nothing more."

I have a lot more to memorise, but this is a start.