"Thought that I was strong, I know the words I need to say. Frozen in my place, I let the moment slip away. I've been screaming on the inside and I know you feel the pain. Can you hear me?"

At the moment I'm listening to "The Change - Evanescence".
This week hasn't been to bad. Some ups and downs as usual, but overall, not too bad. There is nothing really to report. I still feel a little helpless for my friend who has nowhere to live, but there isn't much I can do really..

I'm pretty excited for the next few days, I'm going to see a comedy festival and spend some time with mates. Uni holidays is also coming up soon. I have a lot to look forward to. :)

Hope you're well. :D

"I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind, I left my body lying somewhere in the sands of time, I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon, I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah. I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon, after all I knew it had to be something to do with you. I really don't mind what happens now and then, as long as you'll be my friend at the end!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Kryptonite - Three Doors Down".
Bad things shouldn't happen to good people. Jealousy can sometimes never be let go of. Hope will always survive if you continue to believe. Dreams only happen when you're asleep, but then again, so do nightmares. Feelings always seem to be stronger around those you can't have. Why? I have no clue. Sometimes things aren't meant to be. So then what? Do you change your plans and learn to deal with something else? Or do you fight for it knowing that the situation might get worse?

There are so many questions in this life without a single correct answer. It's frustrating. Sometimes I think it would be great to just have an absolute answer for everything in the universe. Things would be a lot less complicated. (:

"Oh my god, I have the remedy for love, I struck the glass and broke the bones inside my fist, but I'm ok. I cannot change you, you'll never change, I never would expect to break this in the end. Something so profound, something you won't expect, take this scripture like a picture and wear it around your neck. The sky it opens up, don't get swallowed by the flames, what's mine is yours and yours is mine so take me away."

At the moment I'm listening to "There's no sympathy for the dead - Escape the Fate".
For me, nothing eventful has happened this week. Not much to report, however, the rest of this post is entirely devoted to one of my best friends in the world.

This girl has gone to the darkest depths of hell in all the years I've known her. Recently, and by recently I mean over the past month, her, her mother and her little sister have been kicked out of 3 houses. As a very close friend of hers I feel so terribly helpless. I can't do anything to help other than show my up most support! If I'm feeling terrible about this, I cannot even begin to imagine how she is feeling. It seems like they just cannot catch a break. Nothing in this world can be more frustrating, unlucky and saddening. Well, I guess there are worse things in this world... but in my world, this is, or comes close to, the worst possible situation. I really feel sorry for her and her family because they are quickly running out of options and hope. They need a miracle!
On the other hand though, I am extremely proud of them! They HAVEN'T lost hope and they are still working very hard for a better outcome. They are very strong people and MUST keep believing that things have to get better. Even if things NEVER get better, accepting the fact that they won't makes you lose all hope in everything good in this life. There are still good things in this life. Family, Love, Hope, Friends, Beliefs ... and Cigarettes. If you're reading this (you know who you are), I want you to realise that no matter how dark the world seems to be, there will always be light somewhere. You just need to keep searching for that light and realise that when you get there, things will be magical. All you need to do is believe, never give up hope, smile, think and pay attention to all the best and most wonderful things in this life. I love you and wish there was more I could do for you! NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! PROMISE ME!! <3

Life wouldn't be the same if I didn't see you smile every day! :D

"Swinging in the backyard, pull up in your fast car, whistling my name. Open up a beer, and you say get over here, and play a video game."

At the moment I'm listening to "Video Games - Bluejuice (Lana Del Ray Cover)".
It has been exactly one year until I thought I was in love, but I'm trying to not let it affect me. I know I'm COMPLETELY over the past... but sometimes it can still pop by and play on my mind. I guess I'm just having 'one of those days' where everything terrible that has been with me over the past decade has appeared in my head and has hit me all at once.
- Ex boyfriends
- Weight issues
- Self-harm
- Money issues
- Father issues
- Sexual abuse issues
- Self identity issues
- Denial issues
- Constant random sex issues to make my self feel better
Theses are all things that sometimes attack me when I'm most vulnerable and are sometimes hard to let go. I just need a way to deal with them in appropriate and healthy ways, otherwise I will never be happy with myself. I really try to thing of the things that make me smile.
- My mum
- My sister
- Music
- Friends
- Cigarettes
- Alcohol
- University
- Sleep
At the moment, that is all I can think of... I'll get there (: Tomorrow WILL be better, whether I like it or not.

On a semi-related note, I hooked up last night. It was a guy from uni, who is kind of cute.... But also I'm a little scared that I did it just for the "trill" or the "help". Sometimes I use this kind of experience as a form of self-help... but then only regret it the next day. Which I have. I really hope things are not awkward when I see him at Uni. :/

"Keep the noise low. She doesn't wanna blow it. Shaking head to toe while your left hand does "the show me around." Quickens your heartbeat. It beats me straight into the ground. You don't recover from a night like this. A victim, still lying in bed, completely motionless. A hand moves in the dark to a zipper. Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets barely whisper, "This is so messed up." Upon arrival the guests had all stared. Dripping wet and clearly depressed, he'd headed straight for the stairs. No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch, unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships. Up the stairs: the station where the act becomes the art of growing up. He keeps his hands low. He doesn't wanna blow it. He's wet from head to toe and his eyes give her the up and the down. His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up. But the body on the bed beckons forward and he starts growing up."

At the moment I'm listening to "Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades - Brand New".
I am currently at Uni, sitting in the library with some people I know. They're pretty cool, pretty nerdy and very into music. This week, so far, has been pretty wonderful. I've been going to the gym, cutting my smoking back and trying to eat healthy...but more importantly I've been staying on track with all my mountains of homework.
I'm very proud of myself for being so up to date.... Unlike how I was in high school. I'm very happy and content with life at the moment..Except for one person, which shall remain nameless.
This person is someone I like to refer to as a 'facebook' whore and can be VERY annoying. This person can make something so small and insignificant into something that frustrates me all day and makes me angry enough to blog about it. Anyways, I don't really have a close relationship with this person, but I have to like them because of specific circumstances. I don't understand why people like to question everything you say and purposely provoke an argument about anything! Oh well, I've learnt not to waste time on people who are like this. I just needed to blog it off my chest otherwise I would have held onto it for longer. (:
Cheers. ;)

"They all cheat at cards and the checkers are lost, my cellmate's a killer, they make me do push-ups in drag, but nobody cares if you're losing yourself...am I losing myself?! Well, I miss my mom! Will they give me the chair, or lethal injection, or swing from a rope if you dare. Ah, nobody knows...all the trouble I've seen!"

At the moment I'm listening to "You know what they do to guys like us in prison - My Chemical Program".
Happiness is the key to a successful life. I'm very happy with how my life is turning out. I've made some amazing friends at Uni and am just living my dream life. I am definitely starting to enjoy the little things in life a lot more than what I used to. I am a little concerned, however, about my smoking habits. I really would like to quit on day soon, but I'm really not sure when. I am still trying to focus on cutting down my smokes (mainly because it is TOO expensive) and I would like to smoke an average of 5 smokes a day. I am currently sitting on about 10-15 smokes a day. Hopefully my goal of making a packet last me a week will work :) One day!! :D

On a little bit of a sadder note, I really wish one day my mum could get a break... all she does is try her hardest to keep a stable job, get a better income so she can put food on the table and be the best she can be. But lately, nothing seems to be working out for her... I really feel sorry for her and wish there was more I can do for her than just tell her to not give up hope. I also really need a job (mainly to help around with paying for things around the house).

Anyways, this weekend should be kind of fun, except for my MOUNTAINS of homework I have to complete... :( I've been keeping on top of my homework from the start and am still up to date with everything, but this weekend I am just really busy and have more homework than usual. Hopefully it won't be too stressful. :)

Keep smiling, you look beautiful when you do! :D

"This may never start. We could fall apart. And I'd be your memory. Lost your sense of fear. Feelings insincere. Can I be your memory? So get back, back, back to where we lasted. Just like I imagine. I could never feel this way.So get back, back, back to the disaster. My heart's beating faster. Holding on to feel the same."

At the moment I'm listening to "Memory - Sugarcult".

I'd like to share something with you that I just thought was beautiful. It was one of the notes in my Philosophy lecture. Enjoy!

"We can see the same movement in the struggle of artists to create something that is perfectly beautiful and true - only to realise that any human artefact will always fall short of perfect beauty and truth. Our longing for perfection or the absolute will always be disappointed if we remain in the world of sense experience."

I just thought that was a beautiful way of saying that nothing in this world is perfect! ... Well, yeah, It made me smile :) I cannot wait to start my third week of Uni. I'm enjoying every single bit of it :)

Happy reading! :D

"It's been two weeks without a sign of anyone. I left the world behind cause I don't wanna believe in love. Anxiety of a future we cannot command. Too broken for the test, too toxic for a stand. So I laid down and lost myself to the things I could not live down. We are the wings of doves too broke to fly, to carry on."

At the moment I'm listening to "Dead Spaces - Strung Out".
I've had a pretty amazing weekend. Friday after Uni I went to a mates place to celebrate his 18th. It was a really fun party and it was also good to catch up with my mates.
..so long story short, I hooked up with this guy. It was my first ever experience hooking up with someone that I didn't meet on the Internet. It was just a good experience I guess, and I know that I said previously that I wasn't going to have any more hook ups... But this one was different because he wasn't really a stranger. :-)

I felt pretty good about the night overall!

Yesterday I slept for 22 hours straight... Which is probably not good. But oh well :)

Looking forward to another week of Uni! Hope you're well! :D

"You told me that the daylight burns you and that the sunrise was enough to kill you. I said maybe you're a vampire. You said it's quite possible, I feel truly dead inside. It's one or another. Between a rope and a bottle."

At the moment I'm listening to "Trouble Breathing - Alkaline Trio".
Second week of Uni has been just as amazing as the first week, If not better. I've made a few new friends that are really cool people. I find it really fascinating meeting new people because I like listening to their life stories and comparing them with mine. Some of my new mates have VERY similar life stories to me, other don't. I've met this one girl who is just such a lovely person. She is always and happy and bubbly when she talks to me. I just want to take her home with me and pat her! ... Well, that seems a little weird... but in short, she's a great person. :)

I've also made a gay friend... even though he's REALLY not my type, It's still cool to have a gay friend. And speaking of gay, I am planning to write my upcoming sociology paper on the comparison of gay rights decades ago with gay rights today. I plan to argue between how being gay used to be classed as a mental disorder and today's gay rights and gay marriage battles. It should be a really interesting write :)

I'm really proud of myself for being so happy now-a-days! I can really see an improvement in myself. Hope you're well! :D