"He's torn between his honor and the true love of his life. He prayed for both but was denied."

At the moment I'm listening to "Hands of Sorrow - Within Temptation".
And I really thought that my life couldn't get any worse. I was in a pretty bad car accident today. I'm fine and so was my passenger, but my car is not. I was entering a roundabout turning right when this fucking cunt on my right hand side flew through the roundabout when he was clearly supposed to stop and crashed into my car. Unfortunate as it is, the police came to the scene of the accident and ruled out that It was my fault. Even though when I entered the roundabout it was obviously clear of cars and the car who smashed into me, the driver being 19 years old, did not even have P plates on the car. But, the cop stands his ground when he says it was my fault.

This puts a lot of pressure on my family now as I had to pay for his car to be fixed through my insurance PLUS pay for the damage that happened to my car. And since my mum and I are practically living in poverty at the moment, and with me not currently earning an income, it is going to be very difficult.

I wish I had died in the accident. I really wish I did. BUT, since I didn't, I am going to cut my body up with a sharp razor until I can't feel anything anymore. I have finally given in to the thing I hate most: Self harm.

I am currently quite drunk and have my razor in my hand at the moment. This isn't the way I planned on ending my year, but I guess life can be unpredictable.

Fuck, I really wish I was dead!

"No matter gay, straight or bi, lesbian, transgendered life. I'm on the right track, baby, I was born to survive. No matter black, white or beige, chola or orient made. I'm on the right track, baby, I was born to be brave."

At the moment I'm listening to "Born this way - Lady Gaga".
This week has been pretty dull. Nothing really exciting happened. Christmas happened and that wasn't too bad. Wasn't really fun though, spent most of my day in the car. Mum bursted out into tears again today telling me that we are almost broke and she might be losing her job to find a better paying one.
Life fucking sucks sometimes.

I've been really feeling like cutting lately. But I haven't! Which is good.

I've also been a bit anti-social. I really don't want to see people or friends or anything at the moment because I really don't have any energy. I just want to sleep all day. And smoke.

Hopefully new years eve in the City will be good :)

I'll smile for that!

Hope you're well!

"So am I still waiting for this world to stop hating? Can't find a good reason, can't find hope to believe in."

At the moment I'm listening to "Still Waiting - Sum 41".

This week has been a little bit up and down for me. I'm very worried about money issues. Hopefully I will find a job and earn enough to help support my mum. She really is struggling :(

I can only hope for things to be different, for things to be better. Hoping just isn't enough. I need to start trying harder!

Smile for me and i'll smile for you! :D

Also, I don't like Christmas.

"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take. When people run in circles its a very, very mad world."

At the moment I'm listening to "Mad World - Gary Jules".
I've had a pretty good weekend considering my shit day on Friday. The thoughts of my ex with someone else is still kind of stuck in my head, but now I'm starting to realise that I really don't care. I really, in fast, could not give a fuck.

So anyways, enough about pathetic pieces of shit. My weekend was fantastic! I caught up with one of my gay mates (Strickly a mate) that I hardly ever see and we just hung out, watched movies, visited some other mates of mine, ate Ice-cream as we watched planes fly over us, went to the park and most of all, had a laugh. The bad news however, is I have had a crush on him for over a year now (I met him in september last year and have liked him ever since). I came very close last night to telling him how I feel. I just couldn't bring myself to it, especially because I'm certain he doesn't feel the same way about me. Oh well, the mysteries of life tend to always entertain me.

Looking forward to the upcoming week because I am really determined to start going to the gym constantly again. I say this now, but it never seems to work out. Hopefully it will. I've decided to start a little schedual type thingy on my phone for my day. Tomorrow consists of cleaning my car, going to gym and searching for more jobs. Let's hope I can complete my list. It is the ONLY way I will sleep tomorrow night without a guilty conscience.!

:D

"You know you can't give me what I need, and even though you mean so much to me, I can wait through everything. Is this really happening? I swear I'll never be happy again, and don't you dare say we can just be friends, I'm not some boy that you can sway. We knew it'd happen eventually."

At the moment I'm listening to "If it means a lot to you - A Day To Remember".
Today is the day I have completely and sucessfully finished my high school life. Today I recieved my ATAR score of 65.55! And even though this number doesn't sound like a lot, to me, It means the world. I am so proud of myself for getting through VCE and coming out the other side with a decent enough result to get into the course the I really want. Hopefully I get accepted!

On a more sadder note. I just did one of the stupidest things and I regret it entirely! :(
I just 'Facebook Stalked' one of my exs to see how he went with his VCE results.... and instead of finding what I wanted to see, I found his new boyfriend. I really don't know why this effected me the way it did. I don't still have feelings for him, we broke up about 4-5 months ago, he was NOT the best boyfriend in the world, but for some reason it just fucking hit me. And it fucking hit hard.

It actually hit me so hard that I feel like I want to start cutting again. But that is RIDICULOUS! I can't keep cutting to keep the pain away! And I don't have any smokes, so I can't relieve my stress! :(
I need a distraction, and fast! I don't want to do anything I will regret! But I know too well that when I'm in this certain state of mind, there is no controling what my mind trys to do over my body.
Somebody save me.
Distract me.
I can do this.
I can fight it.
The more I think about it, the worse it gets.
Fucking stop thinking, Jordan!
STOP THINKING!
I need a smoke.
Don't cut.
Don't cut.
Don't cut.
Please, Distract me.

:'(

"Can't you help me as I'm startin' to burn. Too many doses and I'm starting to get an attraction. My confidence is leaving me on my own. No one can save me and you know I don't want the attention."

At the moment I'm listening to "Bat Country - Avenged Sevenfold".
This week has been pretty boring. I haven't really done anything. My week consisted of me trying to lose weight by sitting on my arse and eating, and attempting to find a job..... By sleeping. :/

I really need to lose weight and find a job. I currently have $1.38 in my account.
On the plus side of my week, however, I have decided to cut back my smoking (4 a day) and so far it's working and I've stuck to it.

My VCE results come in on friday. A little bit nervous, but moreso oblivious.

Anyways, happy reading! (:

"I'll be there when the world stops turning. I'll be there when the storm is through. In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you."

At the moment I'm listening to "At the Beginning - Richard Marx and Donna Lewis".
I'm feeling SOOOO fat recently! It's making me really sad! Sadder than I have been in a couple of months! :( I just am lacking so much motivation to go, even though I just changed gyms to go to a 24/7 gym! I must start going otherwise I'm going to feel so terrible about my body! :(

In other news: Today I almost died!! I was sitting in traffic with a car behind me in a 40km/h zone and out of nowhere this car ramed the car behind me. He looked like he was trying to slow down and swerved at the last minute to try and miss the car but he still managed to hit it. It was scary even for me who was just one car in front! I need to become a sagfer driver! :(

I really do have a lot of goals I need to fulfil, SO:

New years Resolution:

• Lose as much weight as possible.
• Become a better and safer driver.
• Eat less.
• Smile more.
• Save money.
• Cut down smoking.

Let's see if I can last..... I really hope so! :)

Anyways, here is some short poetry I found just before. I wrote it quite some years ago and managed to find it in a box in my room about an hour ago! haha, enjoy!

These thoughts will kill you - Jordan Hinton

It is the thoughts that fuel your nightmares,

For that time to say goodbye.

But once you stop and realise,
You'll find that you can fly.

It doesn't just take hope,

To make your dreams come true.

But if you add a little patience,
Your dreams will come to you.

If you fell down,
And can't rise high,
Bring the world to you,
And you'll live, not die.

If these thoughts come again,

And you have no where to hide.
You will live forever,
And their access will be denied!

"A fire burns today of blasphemy and genocide. The sirens of decay will infiltrate the faith fanatics."

At the moment I'm listening to "East Jesus Nowhere - Greenday".
I am having the weirdest day! I have had 19 hours sleep, from 1am to 8pm, today and am currently still in a weird trance-like state. This 'state' that I'm in is making me believe that nothing around me is real. I seriously feel like time does not exsist and I am struggling to determine whether or not I am in a dream or not.

Everything is moving a little slower and I have the flu really badly, but everytime I go to touch my skin, I cannot feel a thing. I also have a numb tounge. Is this a normal feeling for someone who has over slept?

...weird.

Hope you're all well. :)

"Take the honest side. A gentleman would call it slanderous. It takes a man to cry, but I just put a brick through every bird's nest."

At the moment I'm listening to "Less bright eyes, More decide - A Wilhelm Scream".
Wow, what a week! I thought graduation was amazing, but Schoolies just had to top that! Me and all of my good mates went to a caravan park near the beach, it was heaven! We drank, laughed, swam and enjoyed the company and the sun. I just got back today and am absolutely buggered! Going to bed as soon as this post is over!

On another topic, I have mentioned in the last couple of previous posts that I had met this guy and we went on a couple of dates. Well, as I got to know him better I realised that he is a very shy person. He told me that he has been abused in his childhood, so much so that it is still affecting him 7 years later. I feel nothing but deep sympathy towards him when he told me his life story. I really do feel sorry for him, SO what I made him do is start his own blog. He will post his thoughts on it regularly and learn that his life will only get better. I have also given him the confidence to start finding new friends as he currently doesn't have many whom he can trust and hang out with on a regular basis.

Him and I are agreeing to just be mates and I intend to be a great mate to him and show him that life can indeed be a lovely thing!! I hope he does get better! I really do.