"Live and let live. You'll be the show girl of the home team, I'll be the narrator telling another tale of the American dream. I see your name in lights, we can make you a star. Girl, we'll take the world by storm, It isn't that hard..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Dear Maria, Count me in - All Time Low".
Feeling pretty great at the moment. However, a little disappointed in myself over my midnight binge of like a kilo of potato gems...

Apart from that, I've been trying to get fit and healthy! So far I've been on two runs with this new running app I have. It works really well and is really motivational and inspiring! I've actually been enjoying it. My next run is tomorrow. My eating habits really need to improve, and fast, if I want this to work. I'm working on it, and it's definitely not getting me down. I'm feeling pretty happy and up-beat!
My tattoo is coming out pretty nicely. It's been over a week since I got it done and the scabbing is mostly gone. It's just a little itchy sometimes.... which is normal, but it looks good and is still a reminder that things have a way of working out.

Mum's still in Paris, but she comes back in 3 days. Really looking forward to see her! She was a little sad today when I spoke to her because it turns out that we won't be getting this house that she had hoped for. She was very disappointed, but she has to stop getting her hopes up so quickly, I guess. I'm not really fussed where we live, or this whole situation involving my mum and dad getting back together.... I like to look at it as "I'm moving out soon anyways." I guess if it makes my family happy, then I should be happy as well.

Two nights ago I decided to branch out my learning and I enrolled into a short Sign Language course. I'm quite excited in starting that because it has always been something that I was interested in doing.... and now, I guess I am. :) It's a 6 week course with one class a week for 2 hours. And it should even getting my confidence up in driving to and from the venue, which is about 30 minutes from my house. Hopefully once completing this course, even though it's at a beginners level, I can broaden my search for a future or present job. If I require more learning or skills I would be more than happy to go on and do the next 2 levels of the course. :P

My Birthday is also in a few days. I'm looking forward to catching up with my mates.... but most importantly, I'm looking forward to gaining my Green P Plates!!! FINALLY!! Drive-Ins here I come! :)

So overall, feeling pretty happy and I finally feel like my life is sorting itself into some sort of order. Hope you're well :D

"What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end, it doesn't even matter. I had to fall, to lose it all, but in the end It doesn't even matter."

At the moment I'm listening to "In the End - Linkin Park".

I'm sick and tired of being this fat. I'm very much looking forward to getting back into a routine consisting of exercise, fitness and healthy eating. I need to become a more healthier me (however, I'm not yet ready to quit smoking, it's the only bad habit I'm deciding to keep).

I need to do this for me, and I hope to god that I stick to it this time! I always seem to fall off the rails when it comes to things like this, but I'm determined to make this routine last!!

I am lacking a little bit of motivation to run, but I think that is mainly because I'm scared, embarrassed and shy to run in public in fear of others judgements.... It's a little stupid, I know, but I guess I'll just have to get over this fear and just keep pushing myself!!

I hope this works! :D

"So come and talk to me, on my computer screen, the best years of ourlives aren't as easy as they seem. But one day we'll look back and thenwe'll have to laugh, they used to call us names, now they want ourautograph. To get the girl, to make the grade, it's all a show, it’sall a game, and I would lose it if I played, it's all the same. So idon't care, what they say, i don't need them anyway, I'll just go aboutmy day. But anyway."

At the moment I'm listening to "The Click - Good Charlotte".

I've come to realise that even though last week was shit, this week won't be! I need to be happy, I need to be happy!!! I WILL be happy! I really want to now start looking at the positives in life more clearly and focus on the things that mean the most to me, not the things that bring me down in any way!!

And to start this off: I've been meaning to do this for a long time now, but I am absolutely sick and tired of seeing my self-harm scars and being reminded of all the negative things in my life and in my past! SO, yesterday I got a tattoo over them. This tattoo is an ambiguous raven figure with the word "Nevermore" shape inside of it! It's a reminder of how I used Edgar Allen Poe's poem. "The Raven" to distract me from doing anything bad again! This method helped me probably more than anything, and therefore being significant to me! The poem itself also symbolises a great loss of hope and spiralling into a dark place, but then being lifted back into reality! This tattoo will always remind me of how things will get better, eventually!!

Hope you're well! <3

"Do you get, do you get a little kick out of being small minded?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Fuck You - Lily Allen".

Well, I just had a pretty dredful day. I thought someone was quite special and genuinely nice.... which he really portrayed himself to be, I guess I was wrong. When someone is texting and talking to me consistently for about a week, making me so happy, feeling like I actually had a place in this world, and then suddenly, completely out of the blue, they start to ignore you, and then you ask why, and they ignore you some more, even though you know they're there; this upsets me. I'm somewhat furious. .... So I guess I can't trust anyone.

Last night I had a very severe anxiety/panic attack. It was the first one I've had in about 7-9 months and it was absolutely terrible. Couldn't breathe, couldn't stop shaking, was feeling numb, hot and cold all at the same time. I got up out of bed and went to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and then I felt like I needed to vomit, so I went to the toilet but as I walked into the toilet I started seeing blots and spots in my eyes, and my heart was racing incredibly fast. Next thing I know I woke up on the floor next to the toilet, I think I might have bumped my head on the way down. Then I vommited a little bit and syumbled back to bed where I got no sleep because I was shaking too much and had a splitting headache.

Woke up this morning with a very bad migrain! It was definitely not a fun experience. But today's experience and disappointment with life was more upsetting. Sometimes you just need to bleed just to know if you're alive.

Not a very fun day. At all. Fuck this.

"You took your coat off and stood in the rain, you're always crazy like that. And I watched from my window, always felt I was outside, looking in on you. You're always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair. You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care."

At the moment I'm listening to "Foolish Games - Jewel".
Feeling extraordinary happy these past couple of days. Something that could potentionally be quite special has finally hit me and I'm definitely starting to become a more happier person. So, that's definitely some good news! I'm actually quite excited for the next 3 weeks, mum is now in Paris and I have the house to myself..... well, with the exception of my dad coming whenever he feels like it.... now that he has keys. :/

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Tonight kicks it off with mates, movies and drinking. Then tomorrow night I have a family birthday dinner followed by going to the city for a good night out! Recovering on sunday! :)

As lame as this next bit sounds, I don't care.... My knitting is going quite well! I've made a lovely scarf and some wicked fingerless gloves!! My next project is a breanie, and I also need to make some gloves for mum when she gets back. Hopefully she'll like the design I'm thinking of doing :)

Anyways, hope you're all well! <3

"But under skinned knees and the skid marks, past the places where you used to learn, you howl and listen, listen and wait for the echoes of angels who won't return."

At the moment I'm listening to "Everything you want - Vertical Horizons".

Still feeling somewhat emotionless regarding the news of my family. Mum says its for the best because we're struggling to make ends meet. I'm sick of her crying each and every day! Things need to get better soon because I'm not coping. At all.

Looking back over my blog. Exactly a year ago I was incredibly happy. What the fuck happened??

On an unrelated topic, however, 8 days of knitting has finally payed off and I'm loving my new red scarf!! :-)

Hope you're well!

"Their anger hurts my ears, been running strong for seven years. Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them, It makes no sense at all. I see them everyday, we get along, so why can't they? If this is what he wants and this is what she wants, then why is there so much pain?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Stay Together for the Kids - Blink 182".
Quite a relevent song after the news I heard tonight. Okay, so, my parents have officially made it that they're getting together, and not only are they getting back together, but we are all going to move house and live together.

I'm feeling a bit blank at the moment, like, I don't really feel anything...

I'm feeling a bit happy for mum, but I also don't want to see her hurt ever again. And one reason why we have to move house is so that they can combine their incomes and we won't have to struggle anymore. Apparently, mum and I will have had to move out soon anyways because we won't be able to afford this house for much longer. I'm VERY sick of moving houses, I think 19 times is enough for me. This move will be the 20th time of moving, and I am honestly tired and don't have the emotional energy to do it.... but I guess I'll have to. I really don't know how to feel at the moment...

Appart from this, I don't really have anything else to report.