"And I don't dream since I quit sleeping. No I haven't slept since I met you. And you can't breathe without coughing at daytime. Neither can I. So what do you say? Your coffin, or mine?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Blue in the face - Alkaline Trio".
I'm feeling so sluggish lately. I'm so exhausted after Christmas, and after a big year with a lot of eventful things going on. I'm pretty happy that this year has come to an end. And I'm especially looking forward to next year, quitting smoking, and losing a shit load of weight to make myself happy!

I really must stick to my goals because it's the only way I will become truly happy with myself!

Also, exactly a year ago today I was in my car accident! I'm proud to say that I've been accident free for a year! Yay!

Hope you're well, and happy new year! :)

"I walk through the snow to a bar where there’s no one I know. Drink slow with nowhere to go. And when I leave I’ll be singing this song. Summer’s gone, carry on, I’m a ghost in the dawn. I was lost on the airplanes. I was high on the fast trains. My heart was a bird in a small cage. And I was drunk on the radio waves."

At the moment I'm listening to "The slowest drink at the saddest bar on the snowiest day in the greatest city - The Lawrence Arms".
It is Boxing Day, and I'm fucked!
Usually I have a passionate hate for Christmas, but this year was a little different. This was the first year I had a boyfriend over Christmas, and spending Christmas with him and being introduced to his traditions made me quite happy to be celebrating Christmas. :D

Usually Christmas consists of fake smiles and most of the day spent in the car going from place to place, visiting family that no one likes.

But this year, I was pleasantly surprised with how happy I was. (:

In more related news, I'm afraid I have put on like 10kgs after Christmas with all the food I had! It's made me feel so sluggish and actually made me feel so sick! I'm so looking forward to getting back into losing weight as of tomorrow onwards.

It's been a pretty beautiful year, I've found that my mental illness has finally started to be easing out, for good! I haven't had a "bad day" in a long time now, and I'm very proud of that, even though my life still has it's bad times and struggles at the moment, my mental state is being a bit more... Dare I say... Normal! :)

Looking forward to a very good new year to come!

"Somewhere it all went wrong, and your plan just fell apart. And you ain't got the heart to finish what you started. You walked out that door to find out where you belong, to fulfil your own selfish dreams. I think you might have forgotten the ones that you loved, the ones that you left behind, the ones you said you'd try to find. Are they trying to find you?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Walk Away - Dropkick Murphy's".
I am currently on holidays!!! Woo! I'm in Newcastle (pronounced "new-carrrrrsle" as I have learnt ...) with a mate of mine and we are staying at her dads place and have been to her grandma's place as well! (: I'm having a blast, because it feels so great to get out of my house for a bit and just enjoy living in the middle of the bush where contact of my real life is limited. :) it's a nice getaway, and I honestly don't want to leave.

Also, my mate (Rachel)'s grandma makes THE BEST meat and cheese pies IN. THE. WORLD!! They're literally to die for! Om nom nom nom!

Rachel also goes by many names, including:
Boobs
Ray Charles
Charles
Raki
Speedy McRollerCoaster
(And, the latest is...)
....
Fräulein Cecil-Cersei Sa'Snow

Hehe!

Anyways, back at home, my boyfriend is still dealing with his offensive and concerning grandparents, I really feel for them... They will never understand and it may cost them realising how happy their grandson actually is. They may miss out on his life due to this old school traditional thinking, but I'm very proud of my boyfriend for dealing with it so amazingly! If you're reading this, I miss you, and I know things will be better one day! :)

Love you, all! :)

"Lost in the prescription, she's got something else in mind. Check into the Hotel Bella Muerte. It gives the weak flight. It gives the blind sight. Until the cops come. Or by the last light. And for the last night I lie, could I lie next to you?"

At the moment I'm listening to "The Jestset Life is Gonna Kill You - My Chemical Romance".
Feeling fairly average today. My boyfriend and I had another fight a couple of days ago, he said some pretty hurtful things to me which made me very upset. He accused me of smothering him, and he feels like I would be pissed off at him if he wanted to spend time with his mates without me... Even though I know he's going through a terrible time with his grandparents at the moment and obviously under a shitload of stress, there is really no excuse to me so hurtful. The fight's over now though, and he apologised for being so hurtful and said that he didn't mean any of it. But still, you don't say things like that our of nowhere, so there has to have been some sort of reason behind saying it in the first place. I know he was just venting out his anger towards his grandparents on me, but there still has to be some sort of reason as to why he said what he did. I'm glad the fight's over now, though I have been recently trying not to text or call him as much as I usually would in fear of coming off as "smothering him". I'm keeping sentences to a minimum and trying to be distant, even though it's killing me inside. But sometimes there is sacrifices in relationships that each person has to make to make the other one happy. (:

In other news, I have been on these "Fat magnet" pills and "Fat Blaster" chocolate shakes for almost a week now and I'm slowly losing the weight, and definitely not feeling as hungry as I normally would. I've cut down my portion sizes dramatically and only have a shake for dinner. I now currently weigh 99.2kgs and have also lost 1cm across my chest! Feeling very happy with my process so far! Hopefully I can keep up the good work, and definitely try not go over-indulge myself around Christmas time coming up in a few weeks!

I also got my uni results yesterday, and am so happy that I passed all my units for semester 2! This means that I have successfully done well with my first ever year of university! Woo!!

Really looking forward to the party I have on tonight as well! It's going to be a great night of fun, laughter, drinks, campfires, swimming in the dam, and great memories. I really cherish these parties as of recently, because I know they won't last forever. Shame my boyfriend can't come, I know he's sick, but I just wish he could be there tonight to keep in touch with my mates as I have done with him! Hopefully next time (:

Hope you're all well, keep up the smiles (:

"I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me. I remembered each flash, as time began to blur. Like a startling sign, that fate had finally found me. And your voice was all I heard, that I get what I deserve. So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean. Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes. Give me reason to fill this hole, connect this space between. Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies... across this new divide."

At the moment I'm listening to "New Divide - Linkin Park".
I'm feeling honestly dreadful and upset at the moment, and it's about something that doesn't even particularly involves me.

He's going through an extremely tough time at the moment. Tomorrow night he gets back home from his holiday and has to sit down with his parents to discuss how his grandparents are feeling about his sexuality. As his boyfriend, I am concerned and worried to know what they have to say to him. This whole "grandparents not accepting him" scenario has been going on for just over a week now, and I know it's only just beginning. I'm just worried because I know how upset this whole situation makes him, especially how much this situation is effecting his parents. I honestly hope that his parents are 100% supportive in favour of their son instead of his grandparents, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. It's just as normal as being straight is, and it is definitely not just a phase people go through.

I hope, for his sake, that his parents still understand this, continue to understand this, and help try to teach others this. I hope that they will still be accepting of me, but of course at the moment I'm thinking the worst... I honestly don't think it will get that bad.

I CERTAINLY don't want this to change my boyfriends mind either. In my mind, as irrational as it is, I'm thinking maybe he will have to make the tough decision of boyfriend or family? But I really hope it doesn't come down to that. Recently I have been a little scared of losing him due to this issue. Maybe he might turn around and say to me that we can't see each other very often because my family doesn't like it.

I don't think this is the case or ever will be. But it's a possibility. It's actually making me cry a little bit even thinking about it because I don't want to lose him, ever! I'm NOT going anywhere, and I hope he isn't either!

I know this issue isn't really concerning me, but I can't help but shed tears for him. We've been together for almost 4 months now, and I really really fucking love him, so much so that my emotions are tied with his own. When he's upset, I am too!

It's his last night on holidays tonight, and he rang my up before telling me that he has a fever, a swollen lip (wisdom teeth), a sore back, and is lacking sleep. I feel terrible because he is not in arms length and I would give my fucking soul to hug him right in this moment. He really does mean the world to me, so it kills me inside to know he's in pain and upset.

It kind of sucks that all I can do is just be there for him... Because if I had the power I wouldn't even hesitate to make everything in his life normal again. I love him. And it's safe to say that I fucking miss him... :/

"Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck, some nights, I call it a draw. Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle, some nights, I wish they'd just fall off. But I still wake up, I still see your ghost, oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Some Nights - Fun.".
I'm still feeling fair down. I still have no motivation to do anything, and I'm finding myself enjoying this a little too much.

I gave into my urges today, I had Hungry Jacks. I ordered 3 burgers, 1 large fries, 1 large onion rings, and 1 large Coke. I ate it all within 15 minutes and immediately after spent the next 30-40minutes throwing it all up.

It's been quite a while since I've had a binge-purge day, but it was fucking worth it :) Starving myself takes too much self control, but it's also a little bit more effective. I'm liking the path I'm currently on with losing weight, and I've already lost a bit. I want to keep going with this, at least until I've reached an easy goal where I can keep going with the normal way of losing weight from there on.

Some of you might now understand this, and most of you I'm sure are deeply opposed to it. But this is how it is. I'm only going to change if I want to. I know it's bad for me, but I don't have the patients to lose weight normally.

Really missing my boyfriend. Tonight especially. Only 3 more sleeps until I get to see him (:

"It's all in what we hold as being real, when the symbol kills the substance then we've lost. Save me one more time and I'll be free from the alleyways of my heart."

At the moment I'm listening to "Velvet Alley - Strung Out".
I'm afraid I might be going back into the same bad habbits as I once used to. I'm starving myself to lose weight.

Yes, I know it's dreadfully unhealthy, and it just makes you put the weight back on... but it worked for me in the past. And I figured that since the "normal" measures of losing weight aren't working for me (and I've been exercising and cutting down my portion sizes over the last 3 weeks), I might as well go back to my old ways and temporarily make myself happy, and thin.

I have been sick with the flu over the past two days, and I'm honestly not sure if it's a physical sickness that is causing a mental sickness, or a mental sickness causing a physical sickness. I have slept for about 35-40 hours over the past 2 days, and I'm finding it pretty hard to remember even the smallest details over the past week. Thank god I have this blog!

I was so sick today that I even missed my last class of sign language... which is pretty upsetting, but I just couldn't get out of my bed, let alone have the strength to drive.

Feeling a little bit lonely at the moment as well, even though I choose to be lonely. I miss my boyfriend already, and he's only been on holiday for two days... and doesn't come back for another 5 more days.

I hate being on Uni holidays, I need and crave structure, and I need some in my life at the moment more than ever.

Hope you're well :)