"Yes, your motives are tasteless but your mouth is so bittersweet. When my worst fears surround me I'll just wait for you, to sweep me right off my feet."

At the moment I'm listening to "Don't let this be the end - New Found Glory". I'm feeling super great today, smiling as always. I made a secret list of all the things I want to achieve in the near future today. I'm looking forward to keeping those promises.

One of my mates was meant to join me in the city tomorrow and I'm a little disappointed because he cancelled on me for the 4th time this week. I kinda had a thing for him but now I'm realizing that I really don't, I like guys who miss me, guys who want to spend time with me, guys who would take time out of there own life to see me, guys who TEXT ME FIRST! I'm noticing that this guy really isn't right for me, I'm just going to stay fiends with him.

I am a little excited however, because this one guy who i have been staring at for a while has finally noticed me and stated that i "am the sexiest person he knows". Whether this is the truth or not, I will never know, but it's fun to pretend. So that made me happy. :) I'm looking forward to gettin to know him, but I also know that I need to take things slow of course :)

Schools almost over for the term! And then HOLIDAYS!!! yay!!! I turn 18 in 20 days and I'm really looking forward to the freedom and the car! Loving life! :D

"Creating what we see, convincing us with fear. We are the ones who say, what they refuse to hear."

At the moment I'm listenin to "Now, the hard part - City Escape". I'm feeling great!!
It's a good feeling when you're helping your mates get better, you feel, aswell as making them feel, a great sense of self-worth. I also love it how me and my mum are bonding so much, it feels really good! Life is once again stable and looking up!

<3

"Give me a reason to care, and I'll sing along forever".

At the moment I'm listening to "Sing along forever - The Bouncing Souls". It's funny how life goes. Just before I was talking to this guy who has moved house or got kicked out of his house (I'm not sure which one) and lived my himself, no income, no school, nothing. It's his 18th birthday tomorrow, but what shocked me the most is, how happy he actually is. The decision of him constantly Swapping houses around victoria and enjoying the freedom is amazing! People like him make me realize that, if he can do it, I can. I can make it.

In other news, I'm really not sure how things are going with someone else. I have the feeling like I'm really missing someone, even though they're not mine. I can't stop thinking about him, even though I don't want to think about him. I don't want to be in a relationship, but I also miss the flirting and the cutness. I also feel like, with this guy, I text him too much, and I really don't want him to think I'm some stalker or something
... So what I've done is not text him at all... Waiting for him to text me. Waiting. Waiting...

"How's your new boy? Does he know about me? You've got the marks of a beast!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Love me Dead - Ludo".

Ehh.

"I feel her, I see her. The sun caught in raven hair is blazing in me out of all control."

At the moment I'm listening to "Hellfire - Walt Disney". I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. I'm so much happier as a person, even though I'm not fully there yet, but I'm surely getting there. I deactivated my facebook and I'm cutting out of my life the things I don't want or need.

There is a certain person in my life that I am starting to get along with quite well at the moment. I've known him for quite a while now and we have been talking EVERY night. It is really great, even though I'm kinda just looking for mates at the moment, I'm glad I met him, because after all, I really just needed that one person who can change my life, and I can see me being mates with him for a REALLY long time.

To my readers I would just like to say:
Live your life, go out and get drunk, have a laugh, experience love, experience loss, make some mates along the way, smile and remember to believe in yourself. You are amazing and you can make a difference to someone else.

Smile! ;D

"He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you'd had been there. If you'd had seen it. I bet you, you would have done the same!"

At the moment I'm listening to "The Cell-block Tango - Chicago". I'm sitting on the couch watching Chicago with one of my close mates. I'm feeling a bit better. I know I states i was having trouble breathing just below.... But I've caught my breath. I can see straight again (figuratively speaking of course, I only seem to see gay now days....). Even though it has taken some cigarettes to realize this. The main reason why I feel a bit better (for now) is because of my mum. She has helped a lot!

Enjoy your lives every day you live it, fellow readers, because even if you have had enough with it and want to die, at least you can say I lived a life worth while.

Make sense!??!?

"I can't live my life always backing down, I got to do this right, then make it make a sound. Cos I'm not here for nothing. At least I can say I stand for something."

At the moment I'm listening to "All signs point to Lauderdale - A Day to Remember".

I'm having trouble breathing.

"How can I miss you if you never would stay? If you need time, I guess I´ll go away. Inside me now there´s only heartache and pain. So where's the fire? You´ve become the rain."

At the moment I'm listening to "Harder than you know - Escape the Fate". I'm feeling shit!
Just fucking terrible, I took today off again, I just don't know what to do with myself!!!!
I've had enough of my body! I'm not going to be eating until after exams are over. Not even kidding, I've done it before, I can do it again!

I've also substituted cutting with cigarettes. So, that way, I'm still killing myself, only slowly.

"I've hardly been outside my room in days because I don't feel that I deserve the sunshines rays."

At the moment I'm listening to "The special two - Missy Higgins".
This has been a complete fucking roller coaster of a week. It's been absolutely terrible because of, mainly school, but also, just life in general. Year 12 is getting worse. I'm starting to actually fail my SACs and it is getting so hard each morning to get out of bed and face another terrible day at school. It's just not worth it. Nothing is worth it!

The only upside of my week was probably the weekend. I did no homework, just went out with mates, drank some good alcohol, smoked and had a dance and chat with some mates that I will keep for life. I also had an amazing day out driving places with an old friend! She always knows how to put a smile on my face, even through the toughest of times.

As far as my relationship life is going. I just don't know, because I'm actually really enjoying being single, I could meet up with people in the city, have a bit of a fling, and live!
But I do miss the cuddles! I just don't know, life is full of fucking unanswerable questions!

Video.

This is video I would like to share with you all because It made me realise how fortunate I actually am.
Enjoy. :)

Everyone check it out!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciYk-UwqFKA

"I linger in the doorway of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name. Let me stay where the wind will whisper to me, where the raindrops, as they’re falling, tell a story."

At the moment I'm listening to "Imaginary - Evanescence". Yeah, I'm feeling shit at the moment. I really feel fucking shit!!

I just don't know what to do with my life, I'm having trouble with relationships, both friends and gay guys, I just don't know what to do with my schooling, I'm failing a few subjects, I'm finding my suicidal thoughts becoming more apparent, I'm finding myself making these thoughts becoming reality.

"I just don't know" is probably the only explanation I can give for this. There's nothing more I can do. Life doesn't really deserve me. I feel that the only joy I get in life, is simply, nothing. I get no joy out of anything at the moment, even if I'm smiling at the time, doesn't mean I feel like that on the inside.

I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I just want to cry. I want to throw up. I've found that my angry mood swings are really harming my mum and her emotions. Cliche as this is, Maybe it would be better for her if i wasn't actually here anymore?

Obviously I could never do that to her. But on the other hand, I wouldn't have any feelings when I'm an overdosed, deceased corpse. I just don't fucking know!!!

And yeah, I look back over this post and realise that I sound like a whining little slut. But fuck, someone has to listen to me.

Let's hope I feel a lot better tomorrow, If tomorrow does indeed come.
Goodbye