"But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you. They try to pullme away, but they don't know the truth. My heart's crippled by the veinthat I keep on closing. You cut me open and I keep bleeding."

At the moment I'm listening to "Bleeding Love (Cover) - Boyce Avenue".
So, I'm finally free! All my exams are now over and all the money I have been saving for my car insurance and registration has been payed off! I can finally start enjoying my holidays, I'm super excited!!

I'm really excited to start hitting the gym hard one again, and also just to relax and get my life in order!
I'm currently extremely buggered after a long weekend up at my dads place pulling apart his shed with my bare hands, every muscle in my body aches.. :/ Mum also kind of hinted that they might be getting back together...and that we might be moving house.... Maybe even with him... All of us together?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!? I don't really need all of this bullshit right now in my life, so it's in the process of being permanently ignored.
In more brighter news, I've joined a proper dating site recently to try and meet people.... I figured that my mate and I are probably never going to work out because he doesn't have feelings for me....so I might as well start living my life despite the fact that I have extremely strong feelings for him... Oh well. Meeeeeh!
I've also started knitting as a hobby. Lame, I know. So far I've just knitted this .... Round(ish) thing (Photo below).... No idea what it's meant to be... Perhaps a beard warmer?

Anyways, hope you're well. :D

"Remember the time we wrote our names upon the wall? Remember the timewe realised "Thriller" was our favourite song? Have I waited too long?Have I found that someone? Have I waited too long to see you?"

At the moment I'm listening to "Hit or Miss - New Found Glory".

Currently lying in bed. Wide awake. Had too much to eat tonight and didn't have any chance to throw it up... Just got back home now and had dinner about 5 hours ago.... It would have already digested and be practically impossible to vomit it up. This is REALLY disappointing because I feel extremely guilty and fat at the moment.. Hopefully I can make up for tonight's over-eating over the next few days... But so far I've lost 5.6kgs in roughly 6 weeks. I'm quite happy with that! ...just not happy tonight very much.
I went to see a movie tonight: Prometheus. It wasn't very good, at all.... So that was a bit of a downer as well...

I have my last exam on Wednesday... I can't wait to get it over and done with so I can relax!! So excited! I also finished and handed in my last music assignment for the semester (a developed song). Here's the lyrics to it:

"A Beautiful Anarchy - Jordan Hinton"

"[Verse 1]:
I want to know what it's like to be in love.
I want to feel your arms in mine.
I want to sing and strum a chord until my hands go numb
I want everything to do with you
[Chorus]:
I need to change myself again
What is it like to be free?
I need to love you again
But I'm stuck in this beautiful anarchy

[Verse 2]:
I want to know why you never returned my calls
I'm asleep on the sidelines of life
I wrote a note to you that said "Tonight we disappear."
I knew we felt no comfort here

[Chorus]:
I need to change myself again
What is it like to be free?
I need to love you again
But I'm stuck in this beautiful anarchy
[Bridge/Outro]:
I understand you've gone away
But I just can't find the words to say
I miss you, I miss you

It's just a beautiful anarchy..."

....the lyrics are pretty average, and I don't think I'll get a high distinction like my last song... But the melody is pretty! Which is kind of cool (:

Hope you're well :D

"Everybody put up your hands, say "I don't wanna be in love, I don't wanna be in love"..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Dance Floor Anthem - Good Charlotte".

It's been a very average week. I've done a little bit of study, but I mainly need to write a whole new song tomorrow before 5pm and hand it in. That's caused a little bit of stress... But what is causing the most stress is the study I am trying to do in preparation for my final exam next week.

Above all this, I've been trying to keep my weight under control... But I'm just not seeing any results..... I haven't really eaten anything in so long either. :S I'm actually enjoying vomiting each and every night.... I'm disgusted in myself... But I can't see myself stopping. I guess I'm addicted? :S it just feels so satisfying doing it each night in the shower as soon as dinner is over! It's part of my routine now, I guess. It's just a shame that I haven't seen any dramatic results yet. :S

On an unrelated note, I really wish I had someone special to hold on cold nights like this. I'm feeling pretty lonely in life, I guess....

"I’ll destroy this useless heart, I’ll fuck it up so it’ll never beat again, not just for me but for anyone. But I get carried away with every phrase and made up melody. The longer I hide behind these lies, the more I disintegrate. There's so much to say but no words to convey the loneliness building with each passing day. You never get used to it, you just have to live with it."

At the moment I'm listening to "Broken Heart - Motion City Soundtrack".

Feeling pretty average lately to be honest. But honestly, feeling a little bit better. I'm a little disappoints that I haven't lost a lot of weight recently though, I have really eaten a whole meal and kept it down for a couple of weeks now and I still look the same.... Which is odd considering every other time in my life when I've done this, I could notice a difference, even if it was little... Hmmmmm..

AND, you know what's REALLY gross?!?!? Chucking up rice and a really hot Indian curry!! It hurts and burns A LOT! I severely don't recommend it! :D

On another topic, I'm pretty excite that I only have 1 exam left next week!! And I've applied for loads of jobs! Hopefully I can get one!! :P Here's hoping!

Hope you're well! :D

"I wanna run, but only far enough to make you miss me. I wanna take back all the shit that I have done, but I guess you were better off without me. I need to start to be myself cause I'm sick of everybody else. I won't let you bring me down, it's here and now, I'm breaking out. I will learn to love again, but I will stand a broken man."

At the moment I'm listening to "Broken man - Boys like Girls".

I'm having a little bit of writers block at the moment... I guess, I don't really know what to write. Should I continue to write about my pathetic excuse of a life? Should I write about my relationship confusions and heartaches? Should I talk about the fact that I haven't had a proper meal for over a week, and anything I did eat I ended up throwing up? Should I talk about my life goals and how all of them are incomplete? Should I talk about my exes and how much more attractive they are than me? Should I talk about my childhood, my abusive father and the fact that I was sexually harassed by my female cousin? Should I talk about how much I wished I was straight just to be "normal"? Should I talk about the possibility of my parents getting back together?

I'm sick of talking about the same thing over and over again on this blog! And I bet you're all sick of hearing it. I don't even know If you're reading this, but If you are, I'm sorry for you guys. You have to constantly put up with a stupid fuck like myself.

One thing I would like to talk about is the fact that I think I might be losing one of my closest mates. I have known her since the beginning and she has helped me endlessly throughout my life. I haven't seen her or even spoken to her properly since the start of the year. I don't want to jump to conclusions right away, but I just feel like I'm dragging her down and for that, she doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. I don't think I have spent quality time with her, one-on-one, in about 3 or 4 years. It's extremely saddening and heartbreaking to know that she is enjoying her life with her new mates, some of my mates, and (this probably isn't true) but it just seems like I'm being left out, forgotten, abandoned.

Fuck life. Nothing will ever get better, falling downhill is a lot faster than pulling yourself back up, so why the fuck not accept the fact that things will never be different.

"Never thought I'd say I'm sorry, never thought I'd be the one to bringyou down. Now, when I look out my window, but there doesn't seem to beanyone around. And I, I think I'll change my ways, so all your wordsget noticed. Tomorrow's a brand new day. Tomorrow's a new day."

At the moment I'm listening to "Brand New Day - Forty Foot Echo".

Watching Eurovision at the moment on TV, fuck there is some talent out there!! So inspiring! :-)

I weighed myself today. It looks like my "diet" is paying off. I haven't eaten a proper meal (and kept it down) for about a week now! In just over a month I have lost 4.5kgs and 3cm off my stomach! Lovely news!

I also made SO much food today! I was in my cooking mood! Haha! I made homemade hamburgers for dinner, with homemade chips and homemade mayo. Then for desert I made yummy Choc-chip and Peanut butter cookies! (Photos Below).

Then after all this, my mum and I made dinner and desert for tomorrow night. :)

..it's just a shame that all the lovely food I ate today wasn't in my body for more than 10 minutes.
Oh well (: Happy reading!

"She's singing softly in the night, praying for the morning light. She dreams of how they used to be, at dawn they will be free. Memories, they haunt his mind, save him from the endless night. She whispers warm and tenderly, please come back to me."

At the moment I'm listening to "Never Forget - Gréta Salóme & Jónsi".
I just discovered this song about an hour ago! It's really beautifully written. I discovered it whilst watching Eurovision, the team from Iceland wrote it and sung it on stage tonight! You should all really watch this video and hear the beauty of this song!!!

Okay, enough about music. I've been pretty up and down ALL week. In fact, for the past 4 days I have had a hardcore "Twice-the-taste-zero-calories" phase. Well, I actually think this is just a phase.... it's been going on and off for a couple of years now, but never has it been this addicitve and satisfying.

I know it's very damaging to my health and it's just fucked up (but then again, "fucked up" are the only two words that can truly define my life), but It just feels too good to stop and I don't want to stop. I can't even tell if I'm losing weight by doing it or not.... but nonetheless, it just feels great! Gym has been good as well! I haven't really had a lot of time to go this week, but at least I still managed to go, even if it was just for little bit. So, in summary, my last meal I had, that i kept down, was on monday night. Aren't I just naughty?! :P

So, obviously, still feeling like crap at the moment. Nothing really dramatically changes in my life. Sometimes I wish something dramatic or awful, or even happy will happen in my life. Like the other night, I was in the car with my sister and her fiance going to a family party late at night, the whole time I was wishing that we crashed or had a terrible accident. I know this is NOT normal.... but sometimes I just feel these things. Why try and supress these true feelings? I'll write about them instead.

Anyways, hope you're doing well. Those of you who read this, thankyou. You're probably really disgusted in the person you know....but, you're sticking by me. You'll always be my favouites! :P

Happy reading!