"Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems. Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. All I know is I love you too much to walk away though. Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk. Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk? Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball, next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the dry wall. Next time? There will be no next time! I apologise, even though I know it's lies. I'm tired of the games, I just want her back, I know I'm a liar. If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again, I'mma tie her to the bed, and set this house on fire!"

At the moment in listening to "Love the way you lie (cover) - A Skylit Drive".
I'm definitely feeling much more relaxed at the moment. I've just spent the last two days barely doing a thing, and I think it has been a well deserved break considering how busy I've been over the last 3 weeks. (:

But as if tomorrow, my break is over. I'm planning to do a stall at a market on the weekend and sell a lot of things I have around the house. (Mainly woman's shoes). Hopefully I can earn enough money to go away to LA with my boyfriend this year.
If I don't end up getting the money, I'll just keep saving up so we can go next year (:

I have a big future to look forward to. I just hope I can remember that when I'm feeling down.

Hope you're well. (:

"Cause we're just under the upper hand, and go mad for a couple of grams. And she don't want to go outside tonight. And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland, or sells love to another man. It's too cold outside for angels to fly."

At the moment I'm listening to "The A Team (cover) - Boyce Avenue".
I know it's been a while since my last post, I'm trying my hardest to keep posting at least once a week! I honestly cannot believe how busy my life has been in January! I'm so used to just lying in bed all day and relaxing, but looking at my diary now, I realise that I have only had 3 single days to myself for the whole year. But the other 20 days of the year so far have been extraordinarily busy for me. Between trying to catch up with all of my mates individually, seeing my boyfriend on a regular basis, organising items to sell at a market to make some money, taking care of the house on a daily basis (cooking, cleaning, washing etc), moving furniture from my dads house, work, and trying to organise a holiday to America possibly this year (which I've been doing for a while, but I'm getting most of the organising done now) I am fucking exhausted.

So if I haven't had the chance to catch up with you yet, just give me time, I will get around to seeing everyone eventually! But I need a bit of a break soon! I'm still busy until Tuesday next week! I JUST WANT TO SLEEP! Waaaah! :( haha

I'm actually really lacking sleep at the moment though. It just isn't happening, which is pretty lame.

On a brighter note, today was mine and my boyfriends 5 months since we've been going out. It was such a perfect day! Went to the Zoo, did a lot of walking, had dinner in the city, and then ventured to the Eureka Skydeck tower (the tallest platform on the Southern Henisphere) where we looked at the amazing view from 88 floors up, or 300 metres above the sea!

Such a perfect day!

Hope you're all well! :D

"And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself. So clear, like the diamond in your ring, cut to mirror your intentions. Oversized and overwhelmed, the shine of which has caught my eye and rendered me so isolated, so motivated."

At the moment I'm listening to "Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional".
Well, I'm pleased to say that today's post is nothing like my last post. I was feeling VERY suicidal and honesty wanted my life to end, but I'm feeling a lot better now. I guess I just realised that there is more to life than just the negative shit. I just didn't, and couldn't, think straight in that frame of mind that I was in!

I'm on my way to the city to visit some of my uni mates for lunch! I've been out for the last 2 weeks, and it's killing my wallet. Even if it's just going out for a coffee, I still need to ask my parents for money.

Hope you're well! :D

"You said tonight is a wonderful night to die. I asked, you could tell, you told me to look at the sky. Look at all those stars, look at how goddamn ugly the stars are."

At the moment I'm listening to "Trouble Breathing - Alkaline Trio".
Tonight I came extraordinarily close to killing myself. My relationship with my boyfriend is falling apart, there are a lot of negatives and it's just a bit miserable at the moment. I really want things to change, because I can't even begin to describe how much I love my boyfriend, but at the moment, we mainly just seem like just friends. I hate it, and I want to be boyfriends again. I also feel like his parents are barely tolerating me with all my mood changes. My dad is a fuck-wit and doesn't care for me at all. My mum can't stop bothering me, I'm either "home all the time" and she complains, or I'm "out all the time" and she complains. I fucking can't win, especially since both my parents are home 24/7. I hate it! My diet is always fluctuating and my portion sizes are out of control. I don't look good, at all, and I hate looking like an ugly, fat fuck! My bank account is nearing empty. Since I've been out all week and with mates, I want to spend money (even though it's just been enough for lunch) because I don't want to keep looking like a poor, broke bastard. I can't really afford anything at the moment. And I am still having trouble sleeping and always seem to be feeling majorly depressed... So tonight's near-suicide experience came as no surprise as it was only a matter of time before it happened.

I'm tired of being miserable. And I especially hate how all of this is effecting my boyfriend. I am so blessed that he is so so so so SO tolerant of me, especially when I'm depressed and going through a shit time. But I know it's probably only a matter of time before he gives up. It saddens me to even think that, because I can't even think of a life without him in it. We're just going through a rough patch at the moment, but I hope things change really soon!
I really do!

Fuck, I can't stop crying, I'm such a mess! And it probably doesn't help that about half an hour ago I was sitting in my bathroom with all the pills in my house in my hand with a couple of bottles of water, just crying my eyes out. I can't help but thinking that the world would be better off without me. It would be a happier place eventually if I weren't around making it miserable for everyone.

Living like this isn't healthy, and I don't care about anything else at the moment besides making things better between my boyfriend and I.

"Tell me your troubles and doubts, giving me everything inside and out and love's strange, so real in the dark. Think of the tender things that we were working on."

At the moment I'm listening to "Don't you (Forget about me) - Simple Minds".
On the train home from what was a very lovely night out with some mates I don't see very often.
It was a lovely night! I honestly need a good night away from home. (:

I also weighed myself yesterday and weighed in with 102.0kgs! Which means I lost 2.0kgs in a week! So I'm pretty happy with that, and am motivated to continue losing weight to get to my main goal! :)

In sadder news, the relationship I have with my boyfriend is actually feeling really restricted and lonely at the moment. We have lost our romantic touch and have promised to each other that we will get it back! One of the main things we need to do more often is be more spontaneous with each other. But, of course, when I try to be spontaneous, there are rules and restrictions that I can't go to his house for one reason or another. It really annoys me to know that I can't go to his house when, for example, his SISTER is sick... I mean, it's his sister.... People get sick, life still operates around them. I honestly didn't think me coming over would be a big deal.... But boy was I wrong.

"I wish I could take your face and stitch it onto all their faces. Relationships that take your place end up being all I hated. Well you look like my type so get in line, take a number and I'll give you a time. Say you want me, say you'd kill to have me there. Cause since you shot me, I've been dying in this bed."

At the moment I'm listening to "This Bed - Kisschasy".
I lasted 4 whole days without one cigarette. Both mum and I caved in when we decided to have a very deep and meaningful conversation about everything that has gone wrong in our past. Both of us couldn't handle the stress and pressure of dieting, not smoking, and everyday life issues. We both baught a packet, sat on a park bench and had a nice long (about 4 hours) chat. It ended very positively and I actually felt a lot better talking to her... epsecially about how I wasn't happy that she and dad got back together, and that how I've completely stopped trying with dad. I will not tolerate him anymore. He knows barely anything about me and now, after 19 years of my life, he wants to be interested in my life and be a father. I'm tired of trying with him, so I am choosing to not tolerate him any more in my life.

Talking about all of this with mum was actually very healthy for me (besides the fact that we shared this conversation over a few smokes) and It actually felt like a massive weight has lifted off my shoulders. I'm feeling a lot happier over the past couple of days, happier than I've been with this situation in a long time.

So, the plan with smoking from now on is that I am just cutting down. I am not going to bring my smokes when I see my boyfriend, and I am not going to smoke around him... EVER! I am also not going to bring my smokes out of the house. They will only stay at home in my drawer, and I will only smoke them when I need them. After smoking a little bit today, I actually am put off by it a little bit and don't really want to smoke as much. I don't feel the need to smoke as much anymore, which is great!

In other news, a close friend of mine really quite hurt me this morning. As her friend, I wanted to give her some information I had about this guy she is kind of seeing. The information I have is from when he directly spoke to me, and it was about how he may not be interested in her on anything besides a physical level. Being this girls friend, of course I told her. But then after I spoke to her, she confronted him, and he denied everything. This is all fine and well. I honestly did not think anything of it until she told me that I really hurt her and him... When all I did was inform her of something I heard.. I didn't have any intentions to hurt anyone, or have any intentions to break up their friendship. It was just something I wanted to tell her. I'm still waiting for a bit of an apology from her... because she really did hurt me. It fucking hurts to wake up to a text saying nothing but "I'm sure you had good intentions, but that wasn't cool. You hurt both me and him."

Wow.

Anyways, I hope you're all having a lovely new year.

"When the one thing you're looking for is nowhere to be found, and you back stepping all of your moves trying to figure it out. You wanna reach out, you wanna give in, your head's wrapped around what's around the next bend. You wish you could find something warm 'cause you're shivering cold. It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes, the last thing you say as your saying goodbye. Something inside you is crying and driving you on."

At the moment I'm listening to "Something Inside - Jonathan Rhys Meyers".
Welcome to 2013. I have no idea what it is this week, but I have been pretty down, most of the time for no reason at all. I don't believe it had anything whatsoever to do with the fact that I quit smoking, or am desperately trying to lose weight, or even the fact that my parents are still both unemployed and are annoying the shit out of me.

I weighed in today at 104.0kgs. I want to lose 20kgs before my birthday, and when I reach my goal weight of 85kgs, I will reward myself with another tattoo!

Apart from this, I just want to stay in bed, all day, and all night, and not talk to anyone, or not see anyone for a while until I feel better. I know dealing with me is hard for all of you guys reading this, but I appreciate the support, and sorry if we haven't caught up in a while.