"Tom and Gracie on a plane, they were just 23, they talked about their family trees. Coincidental seating plan, she had the aisle seat, he moved away from his friend Pete. 7 drinks and package cheese, he swore Marry Me, twenty thousand above the sea. And we both knew that we had found the perfect company. The perfect company."

At the moment I'm listening to "Tom and Gracie - Darren Gibson".
It has been a very fun week, with a not so fun ending!
I have seen my boyfriend pretty much every day for the past week, just hanging out and having shit-loads of fun! Even though in my last post I was having a terrible time out clubbing, the rest of the week was great (and we sorted through our issues about what happened that night, everything is fine) (:

So, the week was great. I feel like I've connected a little bit more emotionally with my boyfriend now that I've spend a long period of the week with him. Which is great news!!

Now for some bad news. Firstly, my boyfriend told his grandparents about his sexuality... It went well at first, but then not-so-well a few hours later. They believe their lives are over, they are devastated, and that their future dreams for him are now destroyed.... All because he is gay. I'm very proud of him though for handling it how he did.

Secondly, I found out today that my dad got fired from his job that he has had for about 10 years. He had to leave immediately, and give away his car, his phone, and his computer (which all belonged to the company). So he is without a phone, a computer, and a car...

So, now both of my parents are currently unemployed, and we are already struggling to keep a roof over our heads.

It's getting to that point where it's ridiculously hilarious as to how I should deal with this news... So I'm just constantly laughing... And so is mum... I guess it's an odd way of coping with things.

Above all of this, I haven't lost ANY weight at all. I'm honestly so confused, because I've been trying really hard to lose weight,...I just don't understand it. But I'm still laughing, I guess.

"I'm sorry, I heard about the bad news today. A crowd of people around you telling you it's okay, and everything happens for a reason. When you lose a part of your self to somebody you know, it takes a lot to let go. Every breath that you remember, pictures fade away but memory is forever. An empty chair at all the tables, and I'll be seeing you when all my days boil down. But it's better where you're going anyway."

At the moment I'm listening to "Sonny - New Found Glory".
It's almost 3am and I am stuck in a loud bar in the middle of the city. Tonight has been a perfect example of why I loath going out to the city at night. I am some form of agony, sitting alone at a table whilst my boyfriend and his mates are out dancing. He's pushing for me to dance with him, but knows how much I hate dancing.

I'm also a little upset with him because he pretty much embarrassed me in front of all his mates tonight. He's completely apologetic, however, he is also drunk.... And I'm quite sober.

I'm really not having fun at all, and I've been a bit of a downer all night. I honestly just want to go home to my own house and sleep in bed forever :/

Meeting his mates was actually really lovely though. They're a really cool bunch of people...

But still, shit night.

I need another smoke. :/

"But, darling, I'd still catch a grenade for you, throw my hand on the blade for you, I'd jump in front of a train for you, you know I'd do anything for you. I would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain, yes I would die for you, baby, but you won't do the same."

At the moment I'm listening to "Grenade (cover) - Memphis May Fire".

Today is weigh in day. I'm actually quite disappointed and astounded because I weight exactly the same as I did a week ago, with the same stomach and chest measurements....
It actually really sucks because I've been really conscious of food intake and have been going for walks with my dog every single day! I'm genuinely disappointed because I have really tried this week, and is evident that I have gotten nowhere!!

I promised myself I wouldn't be negative, so I'm definitely trying to think of this in a positive mater and try harder this week! I need to try much harder to look sexy for summer!!

I also have come down with the flu... I just can't stop sneezing, am constantly tired (more than usual), and just can't be bothered with things... So I really need to get better before Friday.

Friday I'm going clubbing with my boyfriend and his mates, the thing is, I absolutely hate clubbing. Over-priced drinks, always stress over how to get to and from the city, terrible music, usually being forced to dance, always feeling self-conscious in a room full of good looking people, always stressing over how much money I can spend, or how much I have left, and there usually is some sort of drama. I would much rather house parties, I honestly can't stand clubbing.

However, I am willing to suck it up for a night because I'm really looking forward to meeting my boyfriends friends!

Apart from all the negative news, I have a few exciting months coming up! I'm flying interstate with my friend to stay at get dads house for a week, and I have a few parties and exercise to look forward to!

Hope you're well, and the key is to keep smiling! :)

"It's so insane cause when it's going good, it's going great. I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Love the way you lie (Cover) - A Skylit Drive".
I think Wednesdays are going to be my weigh in days. Today I am ashamed to announce that I weighed in at 102.2kgs with a chest measurement of 114cm and a stomach measurement of 116cm.

This is the biggest I have ever been in my life. And it's going to change! I'm sick and fucking tired of being like this, I hate it!

Healthy habits started today with watching my portion sizes and walking the dog for a good 2 hours.

Every day will be getting closer and closer to my ideal goal weight of 85kgs.

Healthy and happy! :)

"And if you say this life ain't good enough I would give my world to lift you up. I could change my life to better suit your mood, cause you're so smooth."

At the moment I'm listening to "Smooth - Santana (ft. Rob Thomas)"
Today is my last day of many things. Some of these things I'm going to miss, others I won't miss at all, but most of them will benefit me in the long-term, so I'm pretty excited to lose them :)

1) Last exam of my first year of Uni.
After today, I have officially completed my first ever year of uni! That is seriously exciting news, I honestly never thought I'd finish year 12 let alone get this far in my studies! Bring on next years subjects!

2) Today is the last day of negative stress.
Starting from tomorrow I will desolately be trying to be more positive in everything I do! I don't want to be stressed or negative anymore unless I have a very VERY good reason to be so. (:

3) Today is the last day of unhealthy eating.
I'm sick of looking in the mirror and seeing something I have shaped to hate. So as of tomorrow, I will be very conscious and careful of what I consume, limiting junk and fried food to a bare minimum.

4) Last day of lack of exercise.
As of tomorrow, I am determined to lose weight! This includes regular exercise and not giving up! I need to keep motivated and keep going! I want to push my limits and in turn come out with a great result!

5) Last day of wasting money.
As of tomorrow, I am going to be VERY conscious and aware of how much money I spend each week, and how much is NECESSARY!

6) Last day of smoking TOO much!
I would like number 6 to be "Last day of smoking", however, I would like to start cutting down dramatically instead of just quitting at the moment. I am aiming to quit smoking as a New Years resolution!

To all my mates who read this, bare with me! I will need your support (especially to lose weight and exercise). But thank you everyone who had been there to support me this far! :)

Hope you're all well, and happy! :)

"These are the words you wish you wrote down, and this is the way you wish your voice sounds: Handsome and Smart. Oh, my tongues the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart."

At the moment I'm listening to "Okay I believe you, but my Tommy gun don't - Brand New".

I've come to another one of my realisations. Internally I want to be happy, and constantly keep striving for happiness. Externally is a little bit different. Somehow my emotions fail to be mimicked by my actions. This is something I dreadfully need to work on! And am! :)

I've also come to the realisation that I don't want to spend one more second of my life setting long-term goals for myself. For some people, they see this as being a positive, but I don't really see it that way. I believe that setting long-term goals for yourself only makes you very very determined to get there, so much so that your whole life could fly by whilst you're still aiming for that one goal. I would much rather live a happy day-to-day life filled with lots of short-term goals and make sure I complete them!

I'm not going to pre-empt my future not knowing for sure what will actually happen. That could in fact just set me up for failure, and in turn, a wasted period of time. I'd rather let my future surprise me and be completely unpredictable. Life has a funny way of changing constantly, and I'm looking forward to what surprises will come next.

Feeling happy, and trying to stay positive :)

"I'm always screaming my lungs out 'til my head starts spinning. Playing my songs is the way I cope with life. Won't keep my voice down. Know the words I speak are the thoughts I think out loud."

At the moment I'm listening to "All I want - A Day to Remember".

I just had a major mood change, or mood swing tonight. It was one unlike any other I have had in the past... It was really scary and unexpected.

I am currently at my boyfriends house staying the night. It's 1am. Early this evening, everything was really wonderful. Spending time with my man is always wonderful... Until, all of a sudden, I became really quiet, angry, aggressive and distant. I barely said anything, but when I did, I noticed myself being really cold and snapping my words back at my boyfriend. It was actually horrible, and I feel really terrible about it. It was actually like I was another person, which is dreadfully concerning...

As of recently, I have been also questioning my emotions. (This may be very difficult to explain, and for you to understand via reading... But I'll give it my best shot to pour out what the fuck is going on inside my head)..

I am been wondering whether the emotions I feel are real or not. Am I really in love with my boyfriend? (For example) Or is it just something I'm supposed to feel?

Am I really feeling "Happy", or is this just some synthetic emotion I'm feeling that shows all the same behaviours as "happy"... Could my emotions possibly be fake?
And if so.. Could it possibly be the medication that's making it do so?

I spoke to my doctor about this yesterday. She upped my dosage. I'm really quite confused as to what to feel at the moment. Really worried, because I KNOW I'm hurting others around me. And I'm in no condition to lose anyone important in my life. No way.

Fuck.