"Her breath began to speak as she stood right in front of me. The colour of her eyes were the colour of insanity. Crushed beneath her wave like a ship, I could not reach her shore. We're all just dancers on the Devil's Dance Floor."

 

At the moment I'm listening to "Devil's Dance Floor - Flogging Molly".
Wow, today is a pretty damn special day for this blog. Today's post marks the 2 year anniversary of this blogs first ever post!!! How exciting!! What's not too exciting, however, is the fact that I'm missing out on Uni today, and possibly tomorrow, due to being sick. I am currently rugged up in bed with a nice warm cup of tea! :)

I think I'm going to write this post practically the same as exactly how I wrote it this time last year. :)

So far, from the 11th of April last year, I have:

• Started and completed my first year of University.
• Enrolled and completed 2 semesters of a Sign Language (AUSLAN) class.
• Had a lot of sex.
• Got really drunk.
• Enjoyed myself.
• Gained some awesome new mates.
• Lost some old friends.
• Moved house.
• Dealt with the issues of my parents.
• Got a tattoo.
• Got an amazing Job.
• Got promoted in said Job!
• Fell in love.
• Still in love.
• Entered a committed relationship (almost 8 months now).
• Celebrated Christmas, Easter, and Birthday's with my partner and his family.
• Lost weight.
• Gained weight.
• Hated the sight of myself.
• Thought about committing suicide.
• Didn't attempt to commit suicide.
• Gotten better.
• Had my fair share of shit days.
• Had my fair share of great and amazing days!!!

The main bands that got me from April 11th last year until now:

• Alkaline Trio
• A Day to Remember
• Panic! At the Disco
• Rise Against

Quote of the year from April 2012 to April 2013:

• "Without music, life would be a mistake".

Pickup line of the year from April 2012 to April 2013:

• "Baby, I wish I was your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves!"

Movies I've enjoyed from April 2012 to April 2013:

• Pitch Perfect
• Saw 7
• The Dark Knight Rises
• Skyfall
• The Faculty
• Harry Potter (1-7)

Lyrics of the year from April 2012 to April 2013:

• "Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer? Never looked better, and you can't stand it!"
• "And it feels like heaven's so far away!"
• "I'm always screaming my lungs out till my head starts spinning. Playing my songs is the way I cope with life. Won't keep my voice down. Know the words I speak are the thoughts I think out loud."
• "Believe in what I am, because it's all that I have today."

Overall, from April 2012 to April 2013, it has been pretty great! Creating my blog 2 years ago was the best thing I have probably ever done. It gives me so much satisfaction to read over my previous posts and see how much I have actually changed as a person.

Hope you're all well! :) Love you all!

- Jordan.

"Distorted is my silhouette, tainted, starved, and desperate. There'sno easy fix for this that I cannot control. I'm breaking apart at thesoul! Like all good dreams you wind up dead, All those promises I neverkept. I laugh and you will cry again and again and again and again.These simple things I just can't say, Remove the you from you and me. Istand to bring you to your knees, again and again and again."

At the moment I'm listening to "I'm only here to disappoint - Alkaline Trio".
Firstly, I apologise for posting a little later than usual. I've been super flat out and honestly have not had the time.

So lets start with Easter! So much chocolate, yet so little time. Haha! Actually, this Easter was a lot better than previous Easters I've had in the past. Usually my Easter consist of cramming seeing every family member on the one single day, it was hell. But this year was actually nice and relaxing. It was my boyfriends birthday on Good Friday, and my sisters birthday on Easter Sunday. So it was just immediate family this Easter, which was just great! Had a lot of fun (:

After Easter was pretty good as well because I had a week off from uni. It was pretty great catching up with my boy and spending time with him and his mates! Had a few parties, got a bit of alcohol in me, and was cruising right through the night. (: sometimes I wish moments could last forever.

What has been a bit of a pain though, is the amount of fucking homework I have been doing over the past week. It's getting into the hard stages of uni now, and they mean it when they mention there will be a lot of work.

Speaking of work, I am VERY pleased to announce that I have been promoted to Bar Supervisor with my job!! It's seriously the best news ever, especially because it's exactly the same work, but with better hours and better pay. :)

In some more music related news, the title of my post today has come from a new album I downloaded a couple of days ago from my all time favourite band; Alkaline Trio.

Their new album is titled 'My Shame Is True' and I must say that it is a VERY clever and well written album, SOOOOO much better than there last original album 'This Addiction'.

Highly recommended!

Hope you're well! :)

"This place is so empty, my thoughts are so tempting. I don’t know how it got so bad. Sometimes it’s so crazy that nothing can save me, but it’s the only thing that I have. If you believe it’s in my soul, I’d say all the words that I know, just to see if it would show that I’m trying to let you know... that I’m better off on my own."

At the moment I'm listening to "Pieces - Sum 41".
My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 7 months of being together yesterday. I honestly can't believe I've been in a relationship for 7 months, with the perfect guy.

There are some negative things on my mind though about how we both sit in this relationship, and I really need to get it off my chest. Some of this next bit is my honest feelings, but sometimes honesty can be a little bit overwhelming and selfish, but then again, I can't help how I feel.

Firstly, my boyfriend forgot to give me a 7 months card. I know this doesn't seem like a big deal at all, but we both decided from day one that we will exchange cards with our feelings for each other on each month until our 1 year. This isn't the first time he's forgotten to give me a card, he also forgot to give me a 4 months card, but our 4 months also fell around the same time as Christmas. So that's understandable. But this time it just kind of hurt a little bit for me to give him a card and not receive one in return.

Once he realised he forgot to get me one (which because he didn't have time to get one... But.. It only takes about 2 minutes to buy a card..) he quickly whipped up an "E-card". And don't get me wrong, it was really thoughtful, but It would have been really nice to receive a normal card on the day.

I know this whole situation might sound a bit ridiculous, and I'm honestly not even that pissed off about it, it just got to me yesterday. But it's not like I'm going to hold a grudge against him or anything! Haha.

And another issue that has been making me feel a bit frustrated/upset is our sex life. And just a warning, this next bit may be perceived as selfish, but it's just how I feel.

Before I was with my boyfriend, I was having sex (full on sex) on a fortnightly basis, roughly. But the past 7 months have been a bit of a shock to my system considering my boyfriend is a virgin. And of course I am respectful of that fact, and I do understand what it's like to be in the situation where you only want to have sex when you're ready. It's only normal to feel like that. It's just a little hard knowing that when we entered our relationship, we were both at polar opposite ends on having a sex life. I accepted this fact when I entered our relationship, but now that it's 7 months in, and barely any improvement has been made, I'm finding it a little harder to deal with.

At about 4 months in our relationship we were both comfortable with each other naked, and started to understand how each other worked. It was also around this time when my boyfriend told me that he didn't like giving head. Which is fair enough, we all have our dislikes when it comes to sex acts.

My frustration is driven from the fact that it's been 7 months and I feel like every time we engage in sexual activity, all I feel like I'm doing is jacking myself off with someone else in the room. And since it's been about 8 or 9 months since I've had actual sex, it's getting really hard to just keep doing the same routine over and over again (especially since most of the time, he doesn't work...I guess you can say our sex life is a bit of a 'flop').

Now, in saying all of this, I'm not for one second suggesting that I want him to have sex with me right now, otherwise it's over! I'm NOT saying this at all! I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring him, and I honestly don't think I am, I have been nothing but patient in the sex department for 7 months, and I have also been very understanding of what it's like to be in that situation.

Another main thing that is making me frustrated is the fact that last night I told him that when he's ready to give actual sex a go, I will be more than willing to be both a bottom (the receiver) and a top (the giver) because everyone deserves to know what both feels like. However, since I have had a lot of sex before, and am already aware of what my body best performs with (being a top), I told him that I will definitely not be the bottom in this relationship. I have my reasons for not wanting to be a bottom, and it's mainly because I just don't like doing it (just like how he doesn't like giving head, and I've respected that, and am fine with him not doing it), and it really isn't a pleasurable experience for me. It's mainly a horrible experience for me.

So, in the long run, I hope and pray he turns out to be a bottom so our sex life can actually work and not be a miserable disaster. If he doesn't ending up being a bottom, It might effect our sex life greatly, but then again, if he chooses to be a top, I wouldn't blame him. Because after all, I prefer it too and will understand his reasons for not being a bottom.

This part of our sex life I will probably not negotiate with. I've already chosen who I am, and how I act in my sex life. It's not up to him.

I hope you're well, hope you enjoyed this read about my sex life... Haha!

"My addiction, my illness, my only trusted friend. My addiction, my illness, my only childhood fiend. Your twisted warm embrace engulfing all I tried to be. My body's breaking under arms that will not set me free. Bring out your dead!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Bring Out Your Dead - Strung Out".
It's been a while since my last post. Which is a little unusual for me. This last week and a bit hasn't been too eventful (which is why I haven't really posted).

Yesterday was a bit of a lovely day and night though. My boyfriend and I went to the 'Melbourne Queer Film Festival' which was really fantastic. First we went out for a lovely dinner in the city, and then went to see our movie called "Bear City 2: The Proposal". With a title like that I guess you would suspect that it would be a porn film. However, it wasn't. It was a really excellent. Practically like a gay bear version of Sex and the City. It was hilarious, and even the crowd that went to see it was hilarious. I've never seen so many bald, big, and hairy gay men and couples in the one cinema before. And it also felt like a really welcoming place for gay people to be, it's quite rare to see a gay couple holding hands or cuddling in a movie cinema. It was truly a really fun night (:

On a bit of a down note though, the situation involving my dad being an absolute price hasn't changed one bit, as suspected. I'm quite used to my dad treating me like shit, but I'm definitely not used to is mum doing the same.

This morning at 5:30am my mum and I were having a screaming match mainly because she doesn't like I help out around the house (petty shit to be arguing about, I know) when In fact I do. And she knows that I do! I personally think the only reason she decided to scream at me this morning is because she Is having a fight with dad, and as usual, taking out her anger on me.

It's really not fucking fair, and I am desperately waiting for that one wonderful day in my life when I have enough money to move out! I really don't like living at home, and I really want my own independence without having to deal with my fucking parents problems!!

"And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm. If you're broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now."

At the moment I'm listening to "Lego House - Ed Sheeran".

I'm feeling both of two things equally at the moment: Upset and Relieved.

Relieved: I am feeling relieved because my boyfriend and I managed to sort out another one of our fights. This fight was a fairly big one, and many hurtful, yet some truthful things were said, but I'm very glad that we have both taken things on board with each other and have resolved the fight. It also makes me really happy to notice that we are both learning from our mistakes and are growing more as a couple because these fights that we're having are becoming more and more rare than common. This is the first fight (proper fight) that we have had in about a months time. Which is actually really great considering there was a time when we were having them once or twice a week. So, I'm very relieved about this!

Upset: I am feeling upset at my dad. If you read my previous post, I mentioned that he told my sister and I that he wanted to have a chat with us about how to fix things and take on board our feelings towards him. I was not looking forward to this chat AT ALL because I know that my father NEVER learns, and is quite not used to taking criticism directed at him.

Without putting too much detail into this post (because to be honest I'm sick or repeating this story to people) I'm going to keep it short and simple. Basically, he was just rude. He didn't take on board anything that my sister and I discussed with him. He was yelling, screaming and carrying on at us, and also relayed everything back on my mum and kept saying that it was her fault. I mainly kept quiet because I really didn't want to be there and wanted it to be over as soon as possible, but the only things I did (try to) discuss with him was just how I felt like I've never had a father in my life.. Even giving clear examples and VALID examples to support my harsh statement, in which I still believe is true.. But he just didn't want to hear it.

Instead of taking what I said to him on board, he just kept asking me "Would you prefer it if I left?", "Were you happier living with just you and Mum?" And "Tell me how I can be the perfect father?".

To me, those kinds of questions should NOT be asked by a father to his son. Especially "Would you be happier if I left?"... I mean.. How does one respond to that? In my head all I wanted to say was a big fat YES... But I know if I did, he would have packed his bags and left, and I would have been feeling guilty for the rest of my fucking life. So, I responded by telling him the it was a really unfair and hurtful question to ask your son. And if course, he cracked the shits and stormed off.

Even now, when the argument was a few days ago, he is still asking me, and is still being a royal prick to me, 24/7. I can't really do much about it now besides wait, and see what happens.

Hope you're all well and wonderful (:

"I wanted you to know, I love the way you laugh. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away. I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Broken - Seether".
Wow, this week has been a bit amazing! I finally started uni and am started to get back into the swing of things. I really needed to go back to uni to actually get some form of structure back into my life.

My classes are fantastic this semester, and I'm only in 3 days a week, which is great! This week is going to be a pretty busy one though. Working 3 nights this week and having uni 3 days will be a bit of a struggle, but it will be worth it when I get my pay check! Haha! :)

A couple of days ago I had Soundwave, which is a pretty big punk/rock/metal music festival in Australia. I saw several of my all time favourite bands all in the one day, and it was ... Well, it was just... Beyond words. It was probably the most fun I've had in a very long time!!

I've got a pretty eventful and exciting year coming up. My sisters wedding is fast approaching. And today, my boyfriend and I decided that we want to go on holiday in the middle of the year, so we're traveling interstate to Tasmania for 5 days! I honesty can't wait, it's going to be a fuck load of fun! :)

On a bit of a shit note though, my mum and dad have had an awkward silence going on for about a week and a half now. The thing is though, they decided to go see a psychologist together, and I guess it's working... For now.

I've lost count how many times they've done this, and in the long run, my dad just keeping going back to his same shitty self. I'll give it a couple of weeks.

What's even worse though, is he wants to sit my sister and I down on Wednesday night to have "a talk". This "talk" is something we usually have with dad every couple of years when he realises of how much of a crap father he has been to my sister and I. He just apologises, and we are practically forced to tell him how we really feel about him. It never ends up well, and things change, but only for about a week or two before he goes back to being the "father" we've always known him to be.

So, yeah, I'm really not looking forward to that, and I really, honestly, genuinely, and truly am ready and want to move out, either by myself or with my boyfriend. Living at home is getting a bit too much for me to deal with, and I just want a bit more freedom that I believe everyone needs.

So, when I earn a better and more stable income, or work full time, that's when I'll be completely free from most of the negative stressors in my life.

Hope you're all well (:

"Now I'm of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret. Somewhere downtown where a burlesque queen may even ask my name. As she sheds her skin on stage, I'm seated and sweating to a dance song on the club's P.A. The strip joint veteran sits two away, smirking between dignified sips of his dignified peach and lime daiquiri."

At the moment I'm listening to "But it's better if you do - Panic! At the Disco".

This week has been pretty tough. I'm feeling like a little kid lost in a big supermarket. I feel like my parents don't care for me, don't acknowledge my efforts, don't understand my life, and don't realise I'm lost.

I have had 2 quite major anxiety attacks this week. I haven't had an anxiety or panic attack in a very long time. It was pretty horrible. Couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't move or stop shaking. I guess sometimes things just get a little too much for my body to handle, so that's what it does to handle the pain.

All week I have don't nothing besides cleaning the house for mum and making sure everything is nice in the house. Since my dad is an absolute misogynistic, sexist, unhelpful, and lazy pig, he always believes that my mum will do all the cooking, cleaning, and housework. He's very traditional in that sense, and it ducking disgusts me. Mum also hates it. He does absolutely nothing for this family besides providing us with money.

So since my mum has been interstate for work for the last week, I have been in change of being the "housewife" (but don't get me wrong, I do enjoy cooking and sometimes cleaning). I don't really have a problem of cleaning up mess if it's MINE, but when I have to constantly, day after day, clean the house spotless, go to bed, then wake up to find out that it's filthy, it really fucking sucks. My dad really needs to fucking help around the house instead of coming home with his dirty, muddy boots on and leaving a trail on my perfectly mopped floor, then expecting dinner on his fucking lap whilst he watches TV without even saying hello to me.

I'm used to dad being a cunt, but I'm mostly upset at mum tonight for screaming at me for not doing the 3 tiny dishes left in the sink after dinner (which she actually forgot to make for me because she was SO focused on making dads perfect dinner. Do I even exists?). All she does is complain that I don't help out around the house, and that fucking hurts. She didn't even acknowledge the effort I put in to making the house look nice, or even thank me for washing all her dirty clothes over the past week. I'm used to feeling invisible from dad, but definitely not from mum.

Is it normal to be constantly visualising how wonderful life would be if I moved out? If only I had the money, I'd do it in a fucking heart beat.