"Quietly and gracefully, you move around the weight of the evidence. Forever side stepping your own shadow and knowing only what you wanna know."

At the moment, I'm listening to "Back to you - Something for Kate".

Not feeling at all good today.

Feeling deeply depressed.

Slightly suicidal, but not enough to die.

I've cut.

Smoked.

Sniffed.

And here comes the lovely pills.

Going to bed.

Goodnight.

"I'll be there watching from way up high, the shadow you cant see when the suns in the sky. Wondering eyes have no disguise, it's obvious that this love never dies. Never dies..."

At the moment I'm listening to "Guardian Angel - Abandon All Ships".
Like always, I have been very up and down all week. School is finally over and I'm on holidays, but it doesn't really seem like a holiday. All i've done so far is school work and spend money.
I know I'm young and shouldn't be worrying about money, but I really am. I'm so ridiculously broke at the moment, have no money for petrol, or ciggarettes, or food, or anything.

On the plus side though, I really love the connection I have between my two best friends! They are amazing girls, have practically the same issues as me, but together, we are a team. When one of us is sad, we all are. But when we are all happy, It is heaven! I love them regardless, I'll never leave them! <3

One of them told me this saying today! I really like it:

"Razors pain you, Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp;
Guns aren't lawful, Nooses give;
Gas smells awful, You might as well live!"

"Hey little girl don't look so sad, it’s not the end of the world. I've seen this film before, already know the ending. Some of the faces change but the plot, it stays the same. Take my hand, lets walk away."

At the moment I'm listening to "Big Eyes - The Bouncing Souls".
Feeling a little bit better than yesterday, but not by much. I still feel slightly numb, but I can also feel like it's going to get better.

I'm currently in the middle of organising a movie night for me and a good mate that I hardly ever see because he lives SOOOOO fucking far away!

So that should be really fun, looking forward to taking my mind off things :)

"And I'm as scared as anybody who has done this, I wouldn't give it up for nothing free. You took my life, turned it around and put my feet back on the ground. I owe you, eternally."

At the moment I'm listening to "For Fiona - No Use for a Name".
I'm feeling so completely exhausted. Not only did my friend overdose on extremely powerful drugs and slit her arms open with a razor, but I have also been going through a tremendous amount of psychological pain. I confessed something to my mum last night. Something that I have been keeping from her for over 10 years. I finally gathered up the courage to tell her that I was sexually molestered as a child by one of my distant cousins. I was about 9 and my female cousin, Jacinta, was a couple of years older than me.

Still to this day I remember everything! Every little detail that happened that day. I remember her telling me to un-button my school shirt and pull my pants down. I remember the green and brown square bathroom tiles facing me as I took my clothes off. I remember the dark red (almost brown) lounge chair she said on naked in front of me as I knelt down in front of her and she spred her legs.

My mum was shocked at this news, as I'm sure you can imagine.

This week, I have also had a bit of a HIV scare. But I will be getting tested soon. I really doubt that I have it.

The strangest part is though, I have been in an awfully strange mood lately. Normally, someone should be feeling some sort of sadness when hearing this and experiencing this! But I don't. I feel strangely happy, energetic and am smiling!
Deep down inside of me though, I am really not coping well! On the outside, this is just an unusual and unstoppable way of coping.

Fuck.

"Use me as your will, pull my strings just for a thrill. And I know I'll be okay, though my sky's are turning grey! I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever. I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Your guardian angel - Red jumpsuit apparatus".
This is post number 69.... Heheh, immaturity for the win.

That up there ^ is probably the happiest thing I've said in days!
I took 12 pills the other day, in one go. It went well with my cut up arm. It's disgustingly beautiful. Some people just really know how to push my boundaries and scare the fuck out of me!

It's mums birthday today, and even though I'm still upset and angry, I'm trying my hardest to put a smile on my face.

"Five thousand feet below, As black smoke engulfs the sky, The ocean floor explodes, Eleven mothers cry. My bones all resonate, A burning lullaby, You can't take that from me, Just go ahead and try."

At the moment I'm listening to "Help is on the way - Rise Against".
I just had a really good night!
I went out with mates that I don't get to see very often and they took me to their school production!
IT WAS HILARIOUS! hahahahaha, fun night! :)

Hope you're well. :P

"When the sun shines, we'll shine together. Told you I'll be here forever. Said I'll always be a friend. Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end. Now that it's raining more than ever, know that we'll still have each other. You can stand under my umbrella. You can stand under my umbrella."

At the moment I'm listening to "Umbrella (cover) - All Time Low".
Suprisingly I was having a really good day! I was feeling happy and energetic. I was having fun. But then I got home.

I got home and for some unknown reason and completely without cause, I changed my mood dramatically. I was in such a shit mood!! And then my dad came over for dinner. It is REALLY odd for my mum who has been hurt numerous amounts of time by my dad to be friends with him. Does she ever learn?!

So anyways, my dad is a real asshole. Well, he was. Not so much anymore, but for some reason, I still have this hatred towards him.

Might be a story for another time. But long story short, my day has turned to shit for some unknown reason. Once again. Yay!

I'm such a whining little bitch. Suicide would probably be better than writing about how much my life sucks. And the sad thing is, I don't even know if I'm joking anymore. I know I've considered it a lot in the past and recently... But I wonder if I could even actually do it? Hmm....

Let's see how things go.

(haha, but let's face it. It is very doubtful that people read my blog anyways)
Oh well.

"You dropped the note and we changed key, you changed yourself and i changed me. I really didn't see us singing through this. Then you screamed the bridge, and i cried the verse, and our chorus came out unrehearsed. And you smiled the whole way through it, I guess maybe that's what's worse."

At the moment I'm listening to "If You Wanted A Song Written About You, All You Had To Do Was Ask - Mayday Parade".

I want to have a better looking body. I want to be attractive in ways that make boyfriends stick with me. I want to stop doing things that harm me and others. But I can't. I've got nothing else to do with my life.

I do these things as a substitution methods. A self destructive one.

Suicide is a bit too far. But one can only dream.

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.

Hopefully I'm not taking that saying seriously. But I have a feeling that today it is only words. Tomorrow might be reality.

You just don't know.

"Too much blood has flown from the wrists of the children shamed for those they chose to kiss".

At the moment I'm listening to "Make It Stop (September's Children) - Rise against".
This is a beautiful song and it expresses through it's lyrics the importance of an accepting society. Otherwise, something so stupid and ignorant like homophobia and bullying in general can cause a life to end. The world can be fucking cruel sometimes!

Anyways, I've got 3 weeks until the end of the term. School is almost over and freedom is in sight, just a short distance away!

As for my social life, one word can only describe it: headache.

I've got a headache in the both physical and metaphorical sense at the moment. Metaphorical sense meaning: I feel like there is something in my head causing a blockage of some sort that is making me not think straight! (no pun intended).

I think everyone (well, the people who read my blog) should definitely read or listen to this song:

Make it stop (September's Children) - Rise Against:

Bang bang go the coffin nails, like a breath exhaled,
Been gone forever.
It seems like just yesterday, how did I miss the red flags raised?
Think back to the days we laughed.
We braved these bitter storms together.
Brought to his knees he cried,
But on his feet he died.

What God would damn a heart?
And what God drove us apart?

What God could make it stop?
Let this end.
Eighteen years pushed to the ledge.
It's come to this,
A weightless step.
On the way down singing,
Woah, woah.

Bang bang from the closet walls,
The schoolhouse halls,
The shotgun's loaded.
Push me and I'll push back.
I'm done asking, I demand.

From a nation under God,
I feel its love like a cattle prod.
Born free, but still they hate.
Born me, no I can't change.

It's always darkest just before the dawn.
So stay awake with me, let's prove them wrong.

Make it stop.
Let this end,
Eighteen years pushed to the ledge.
It's come to this,
A weightless step.
On the way down singing,
Woah, woah.

The cold river washed him away,
But how could we forget?
The gatherings saw candles, but not their tongues.

And too much blood has flown from the wrists,
Of the children shamed for those they chose to kiss.
Who will rise to stop the blood?

We're calling for,
Insisting on, a different beat, yeah.
A brand new song.

Whoa, whoa [x3]
(Tyler Clementi, age 18.
Billy Lucas, age 15.
Harrison Chase Brown, age 15
Cody J. Barker, age 17
Seth Walsh, age 13.)

Make it stop,
Let this end.
This life chose me, I'm not lost in sin.
But proud I stand of who I am,
I plan to go on living.

Make it stop,
let this end,
all these years pushed to the ledge,
but proud I stand, of who I am,
I plan to go on living.