"Now I'm of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret. Somewhere downtown where a burlesque queen may even ask my name. As she sheds her skin on stage, I'm seated and sweating to a dance song on the club's P.A. The strip joint veteran sits two away, smirking between dignified sips of his dignified peach and lime daiquiri."

At the moment I'm listening to "But it's better if you do - Panic! At the Disco".

This week has been pretty tough. I'm feeling like a little kid lost in a big supermarket. I feel like my parents don't care for me, don't acknowledge my efforts, don't understand my life, and don't realise I'm lost.

I have had 2 quite major anxiety attacks this week. I haven't had an anxiety or panic attack in a very long time. It was pretty horrible. Couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't move or stop shaking. I guess sometimes things just get a little too much for my body to handle, so that's what it does to handle the pain.

All week I have don't nothing besides cleaning the house for mum and making sure everything is nice in the house. Since my dad is an absolute misogynistic, sexist, unhelpful, and lazy pig, he always believes that my mum will do all the cooking, cleaning, and housework. He's very traditional in that sense, and it ducking disgusts me. Mum also hates it. He does absolutely nothing for this family besides providing us with money.

So since my mum has been interstate for work for the last week, I have been in change of being the "housewife" (but don't get me wrong, I do enjoy cooking and sometimes cleaning). I don't really have a problem of cleaning up mess if it's MINE, but when I have to constantly, day after day, clean the house spotless, go to bed, then wake up to find out that it's filthy, it really fucking sucks. My dad really needs to fucking help around the house instead of coming home with his dirty, muddy boots on and leaving a trail on my perfectly mopped floor, then expecting dinner on his fucking lap whilst he watches TV without even saying hello to me.

I'm used to dad being a cunt, but I'm mostly upset at mum tonight for screaming at me for not doing the 3 tiny dishes left in the sink after dinner (which she actually forgot to make for me because she was SO focused on making dads perfect dinner. Do I even exists?). All she does is complain that I don't help out around the house, and that fucking hurts. She didn't even acknowledge the effort I put in to making the house look nice, or even thank me for washing all her dirty clothes over the past week. I'm used to feeling invisible from dad, but definitely not from mum.

Is it normal to be constantly visualising how wonderful life would be if I moved out? If only I had the money, I'd do it in a fucking heart beat.

"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, but though you're still with me, I've been alone all along."

At the moment I'm listening to "My Immortal - Evanescence".

So, let me tell you about my weekend. All good intentions were there, however reality kicked in, and it didn't end up being a very good weekend.

Firstly, my boyfriend and I had one of his mates birthday in the city one night. Now, I know I've mentioned on here before how much I hate clubbing or just being in the city at night drinking with a big crowd, but this post just piles on top of my feelings towards the city at night.

The night started okay, it was mainly just sitting around in silence thinking of what to do next. Then came the typical events of a night in the city: Extremely drunk people, and copious amounts of drugs, followed by drama, leading to disappointment. So, without it becoming too late into the night, I (being the sober one) had to take care of people, as well as making sure my boyfriend was having a good time, which he wasn't. The night ended early and we went home in disappointment.

I honestly cannot stand going to the city and getting drunk to have "fun". In fact, I have a list as to why I hate it:

- Waste of money
- Drinks are too expensive
- Always worrying on how to get home
- Constantly taking care of drunk or stoned people
- Always end up in the middle of drunk drama
- The group you go out with always split up and go into separate and smaller groups (making it near impossible to "catch up" as originally planed)
- Terrible music
- Always being forced to do things I'm not comfortable with doing (ie: dancing)
- Bouncers to clubs generally make their own rules and decides who can actually get into the venue (Example: if you've been sweating from a long walk you can't come in because you're "drunk". Example 2: You're not allowed in wearing shorts on a hot summers night. Example 3: You're not allowed in if you don't have enough girls with you... Etc etc!!)
- The crowd of people who are generally at clubs and pubs are only looking to hook up or dance
- The crowd of people also are usually very stereotypically "attractive", which is only judged by the bouncer as he lets you in (Making it a cruel prejudice for "ugly" people, just because the bouncer claims so)

... And the list goes on. Now that I'm in a relationship, I don't see the point of going out to the city. The only purpose people do it is to hook up, or dance. And I don't dance. I don't see how it is "fun" at all, and I don't plan on going again for a very long time. I'd rather a bottle of vodka and a pack of smokes in my backyard with my mates listening to good music, wearing whatever we want any day!!

So, the day after clubbing my boyfriend and I were supposed to go to one of my mates surprise party in the city during the day. However, I decided to not go because I just knew that the night before would be such an emotional disaster that I just wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. I feel really bad though because this party was organised long in advance, and I was really looking forward to it. It kind of sucks that I had to go out the night before. I don't think my boyfriend was up for going to my mates party either, so I just cancelled... I'm fine with just seeing his mates I guess..

And to end the weekend.. Today we had my boyfriends cousins birthday. It was an okay day, but I just felt completely lost. I really felt like I didn't belong. And I guess it really doesn't help when all everyone was talking about was World Of Warcraft.

I have no interest what-so-ever in fantasy reality games. And I especially don't approve that people would pay money each month to keep living in a fantasy reality game. It's actually pretty ridiculous that some people will spend more money, time, and effort into a fantasy game than they do on themselves or their partners. Why spend so much of your time creating a virtual life when you can constantly change and create YOUR OWN LIFE?!?

I just don't get it.

1:30am and I'm wide awake. Hope you're well.

"She caterpillar so good that all the greeks go "killa". Break and enter, take ya like a glass of milk then "spill ya". Saw her coming, what a scene, what I mean is she got that sex coffee beam, but she tastes like vanilla."

At the moment I'm listening to "Sly - The Cat Empire".
What a lovely, but expensive week it's been!

Firstly I had to take my mum into hospital for an operation. It went about 2 hours longer than expected (only was supposed to be a 20 minute operation) which really started to freak me and my family out. However, the results came back a couple of days ago and everything turned out benign, which is fantastic!

Then on the weekend I went to a festival in the city which was absolutely lovely (not so lovely to my wallet though). We sat around, enjoyed the sun, listened to live music, and went on carnival rides. It made me really happy (:

On a side note, recently I read this book called "I can make you thin" by "Paul McKenna". It took me about 2 hours to complete it, and honestly, it just makes sense. I've tried diets before, but this book is strictly against diets. He claims that diets make you put on more weight than you originally were. There are only 4 rules in this book for "guaranteed weight loss". They're a lot simpler than I thought, and they actually seem to be working for me. I just need to stick to them. It's a VERY good and well written book, I highly recommend it!!

Also, today is the one day of the year most loathed by single people: Valentines day! However, this is my first valentines day that I have spent not being single, but instead, being a loving and committed relationship. It was such a perfect day complete with a lovely dinner with live music. Nothing like it. (:

Romance is definitely not dead.

Thanks for reading. <3

"And there's nothing wrong with me, this is how I'm supposed to be. In a land of make believe, that don't believe in me."

At the moment I'm listening to "Jesus of Suburbia - Green Day".
The week that has just passed has been a pretty good one. A busy one, but a good one. On the weekend that passed I sold a lot of clothing and other items at a market near the beach. It was a fantastic day! Lots of fun, and made myself just over $1000 which I have put away in a separate bank account for my holiday fund.

My boyfriend and I have decided that it would be too hard to go on holiday this year, so we've begun to start saving for a nice big holiday we can both enjoy and afford for next year. I really can't wait, I'm just going to keep saving, and I'll make it happen!

It's been also good to just laze around at home for the last few days, I really needed a few days just to relax. However I'm also kind of forced to stay home for a few reasons. One of being that my back is playing up. I'm finding it really hard to sleep and find a comfortable position to lye down without my back absolutely aching, almost to the point of tears. It's really bad, and the only explanation I have for it is my weight being too heavy for my back. I have put a bit of this month, and I'm really not proud of it, but I'm coping with it a lot better than I usually do. I don't really care about it as much as I should though, I just know that I'm too happy to constantly worrying about how much food I put in my mouth... But I really should keep being conscious of my portions sizes. Another reason as to why I'm home is because I'm taking care of my mum and helping out a lot around the house. Mums really sick and the moment, (mostly in her "privates") but it's making things a little difficult around the house. I'm driving into hospital in 2 days for her to have an operation because the doctor claims that she has "abnormal tissue cells" or something like that..... There's a possibility it could be cancerous, but we just don't know yet until after the operation on Friday. I really hope it isn't, because seeing my mum go through having cancer again will be very hard for everyone to cope with.

On a brighter note, my boyfriend and I seem to be fixing a few things between us. We're getting a bit better and are finding ourselves to me a lot happier around each other and enjoying each others company a lot more. :) His parents came over for dinner last night to meet mine. I was extremely nervous at first, but overall it was such a lovely night. They're such amazing people, and they've made me feel very comfortable in there home. :)

Valentines day is coming up soon as well! I'm taking my boyfriend out for a very lovely dinner, and also buying him something very special and memorable as a combined present for our 6 months and Valentines day.

My first valentines day not being single, I honestly cannot wait.

Hope you're all well and lovely! (: