"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, but though you're still with me, I've been alone all along."

At the moment I'm listening to "My Immortal - Evanescence".

So, let me tell you about my weekend. All good intentions were there, however reality kicked in, and it didn't end up being a very good weekend.

Firstly, my boyfriend and I had one of his mates birthday in the city one night. Now, I know I've mentioned on here before how much I hate clubbing or just being in the city at night drinking with a big crowd, but this post just piles on top of my feelings towards the city at night.

The night started okay, it was mainly just sitting around in silence thinking of what to do next. Then came the typical events of a night in the city: Extremely drunk people, and copious amounts of drugs, followed by drama, leading to disappointment. So, without it becoming too late into the night, I (being the sober one) had to take care of people, as well as making sure my boyfriend was having a good time, which he wasn't. The night ended early and we went home in disappointment.

I honestly cannot stand going to the city and getting drunk to have "fun". In fact, I have a list as to why I hate it:

- Waste of money
- Drinks are too expensive
- Always worrying on how to get home
- Constantly taking care of drunk or stoned people
- Always end up in the middle of drunk drama
- The group you go out with always split up and go into separate and smaller groups (making it near impossible to "catch up" as originally planed)
- Terrible music
- Always being forced to do things I'm not comfortable with doing (ie: dancing)
- Bouncers to clubs generally make their own rules and decides who can actually get into the venue (Example: if you've been sweating from a long walk you can't come in because you're "drunk". Example 2: You're not allowed in wearing shorts on a hot summers night. Example 3: You're not allowed in if you don't have enough girls with you... Etc etc!!)
- The crowd of people who are generally at clubs and pubs are only looking to hook up or dance
- The crowd of people also are usually very stereotypically "attractive", which is only judged by the bouncer as he lets you in (Making it a cruel prejudice for "ugly" people, just because the bouncer claims so)

... And the list goes on. Now that I'm in a relationship, I don't see the point of going out to the city. The only purpose people do it is to hook up, or dance. And I don't dance. I don't see how it is "fun" at all, and I don't plan on going again for a very long time. I'd rather a bottle of vodka and a pack of smokes in my backyard with my mates listening to good music, wearing whatever we want any day!!

So, the day after clubbing my boyfriend and I were supposed to go to one of my mates surprise party in the city during the day. However, I decided to not go because I just knew that the night before would be such an emotional disaster that I just wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. I feel really bad though because this party was organised long in advance, and I was really looking forward to it. It kind of sucks that I had to go out the night before. I don't think my boyfriend was up for going to my mates party either, so I just cancelled... I'm fine with just seeing his mates I guess..

And to end the weekend.. Today we had my boyfriends cousins birthday. It was an okay day, but I just felt completely lost. I really felt like I didn't belong. And I guess it really doesn't help when all everyone was talking about was World Of Warcraft.

I have no interest what-so-ever in fantasy reality games. And I especially don't approve that people would pay money each month to keep living in a fantasy reality game. It's actually pretty ridiculous that some people will spend more money, time, and effort into a fantasy game than they do on themselves or their partners. Why spend so much of your time creating a virtual life when you can constantly change and create YOUR OWN LIFE?!?

I just don't get it.

1:30am and I'm wide awake. Hope you're well.

"She caterpillar so good that all the greeks go "killa". Break and enter, take ya like a glass of milk then "spill ya". Saw her coming, what a scene, what I mean is she got that sex coffee beam, but she tastes like vanilla."

At the moment I'm listening to "Sly - The Cat Empire".
What a lovely, but expensive week it's been!

Firstly I had to take my mum into hospital for an operation. It went about 2 hours longer than expected (only was supposed to be a 20 minute operation) which really started to freak me and my family out. However, the results came back a couple of days ago and everything turned out benign, which is fantastic!

Then on the weekend I went to a festival in the city which was absolutely lovely (not so lovely to my wallet though). We sat around, enjoyed the sun, listened to live music, and went on carnival rides. It made me really happy (:

On a side note, recently I read this book called "I can make you thin" by "Paul McKenna". It took me about 2 hours to complete it, and honestly, it just makes sense. I've tried diets before, but this book is strictly against diets. He claims that diets make you put on more weight than you originally were. There are only 4 rules in this book for "guaranteed weight loss". They're a lot simpler than I thought, and they actually seem to be working for me. I just need to stick to them. It's a VERY good and well written book, I highly recommend it!!

Also, today is the one day of the year most loathed by single people: Valentines day! However, this is my first valentines day that I have spent not being single, but instead, being a loving and committed relationship. It was such a perfect day complete with a lovely dinner with live music. Nothing like it. (:

Romance is definitely not dead.

Thanks for reading. <3

"And there's nothing wrong with me, this is how I'm supposed to be. In a land of make believe, that don't believe in me."

At the moment I'm listening to "Jesus of Suburbia - Green Day".
The week that has just passed has been a pretty good one. A busy one, but a good one. On the weekend that passed I sold a lot of clothing and other items at a market near the beach. It was a fantastic day! Lots of fun, and made myself just over $1000 which I have put away in a separate bank account for my holiday fund.

My boyfriend and I have decided that it would be too hard to go on holiday this year, so we've begun to start saving for a nice big holiday we can both enjoy and afford for next year. I really can't wait, I'm just going to keep saving, and I'll make it happen!

It's been also good to just laze around at home for the last few days, I really needed a few days just to relax. However I'm also kind of forced to stay home for a few reasons. One of being that my back is playing up. I'm finding it really hard to sleep and find a comfortable position to lye down without my back absolutely aching, almost to the point of tears. It's really bad, and the only explanation I have for it is my weight being too heavy for my back. I have put a bit of this month, and I'm really not proud of it, but I'm coping with it a lot better than I usually do. I don't really care about it as much as I should though, I just know that I'm too happy to constantly worrying about how much food I put in my mouth... But I really should keep being conscious of my portions sizes. Another reason as to why I'm home is because I'm taking care of my mum and helping out a lot around the house. Mums really sick and the moment, (mostly in her "privates") but it's making things a little difficult around the house. I'm driving into hospital in 2 days for her to have an operation because the doctor claims that she has "abnormal tissue cells" or something like that..... There's a possibility it could be cancerous, but we just don't know yet until after the operation on Friday. I really hope it isn't, because seeing my mum go through having cancer again will be very hard for everyone to cope with.

On a brighter note, my boyfriend and I seem to be fixing a few things between us. We're getting a bit better and are finding ourselves to me a lot happier around each other and enjoying each others company a lot more. :) His parents came over for dinner last night to meet mine. I was extremely nervous at first, but overall it was such a lovely night. They're such amazing people, and they've made me feel very comfortable in there home. :)

Valentines day is coming up soon as well! I'm taking my boyfriend out for a very lovely dinner, and also buying him something very special and memorable as a combined present for our 6 months and Valentines day.

My first valentines day not being single, I honestly cannot wait.

Hope you're all well and lovely! (:

"Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems. Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. All I know is I love you too much to walk away though. Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk. Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk? Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball, next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the dry wall. Next time? There will be no next time! I apologise, even though I know it's lies. I'm tired of the games, I just want her back, I know I'm a liar. If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again, I'mma tie her to the bed, and set this house on fire!"

At the moment in listening to "Love the way you lie (cover) - A Skylit Drive".
I'm definitely feeling much more relaxed at the moment. I've just spent the last two days barely doing a thing, and I think it has been a well deserved break considering how busy I've been over the last 3 weeks. (:

But as if tomorrow, my break is over. I'm planning to do a stall at a market on the weekend and sell a lot of things I have around the house. (Mainly woman's shoes). Hopefully I can earn enough money to go away to LA with my boyfriend this year.
If I don't end up getting the money, I'll just keep saving up so we can go next year (:

I have a big future to look forward to. I just hope I can remember that when I'm feeling down.

Hope you're well. (:

"Cause we're just under the upper hand, and go mad for a couple of grams. And she don't want to go outside tonight. And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland, or sells love to another man. It's too cold outside for angels to fly."

At the moment I'm listening to "The A Team (cover) - Boyce Avenue".
I know it's been a while since my last post, I'm trying my hardest to keep posting at least once a week! I honestly cannot believe how busy my life has been in January! I'm so used to just lying in bed all day and relaxing, but looking at my diary now, I realise that I have only had 3 single days to myself for the whole year. But the other 20 days of the year so far have been extraordinarily busy for me. Between trying to catch up with all of my mates individually, seeing my boyfriend on a regular basis, organising items to sell at a market to make some money, taking care of the house on a daily basis (cooking, cleaning, washing etc), moving furniture from my dads house, work, and trying to organise a holiday to America possibly this year (which I've been doing for a while, but I'm getting most of the organising done now) I am fucking exhausted.

So if I haven't had the chance to catch up with you yet, just give me time, I will get around to seeing everyone eventually! But I need a bit of a break soon! I'm still busy until Tuesday next week! I JUST WANT TO SLEEP! Waaaah! :( haha

I'm actually really lacking sleep at the moment though. It just isn't happening, which is pretty lame.

On a brighter note, today was mine and my boyfriends 5 months since we've been going out. It was such a perfect day! Went to the Zoo, did a lot of walking, had dinner in the city, and then ventured to the Eureka Skydeck tower (the tallest platform on the Southern Henisphere) where we looked at the amazing view from 88 floors up, or 300 metres above the sea!

Such a perfect day!

Hope you're all well! :D

"And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself. So clear, like the diamond in your ring, cut to mirror your intentions. Oversized and overwhelmed, the shine of which has caught my eye and rendered me so isolated, so motivated."

At the moment I'm listening to "Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional".
Well, I'm pleased to say that today's post is nothing like my last post. I was feeling VERY suicidal and honesty wanted my life to end, but I'm feeling a lot better now. I guess I just realised that there is more to life than just the negative shit. I just didn't, and couldn't, think straight in that frame of mind that I was in!

I'm on my way to the city to visit some of my uni mates for lunch! I've been out for the last 2 weeks, and it's killing my wallet. Even if it's just going out for a coffee, I still need to ask my parents for money.

Hope you're well! :D

"You said tonight is a wonderful night to die. I asked, you could tell, you told me to look at the sky. Look at all those stars, look at how goddamn ugly the stars are."

At the moment I'm listening to "Trouble Breathing - Alkaline Trio".
Tonight I came extraordinarily close to killing myself. My relationship with my boyfriend is falling apart, there are a lot of negatives and it's just a bit miserable at the moment. I really want things to change, because I can't even begin to describe how much I love my boyfriend, but at the moment, we mainly just seem like just friends. I hate it, and I want to be boyfriends again. I also feel like his parents are barely tolerating me with all my mood changes. My dad is a fuck-wit and doesn't care for me at all. My mum can't stop bothering me, I'm either "home all the time" and she complains, or I'm "out all the time" and she complains. I fucking can't win, especially since both my parents are home 24/7. I hate it! My diet is always fluctuating and my portion sizes are out of control. I don't look good, at all, and I hate looking like an ugly, fat fuck! My bank account is nearing empty. Since I've been out all week and with mates, I want to spend money (even though it's just been enough for lunch) because I don't want to keep looking like a poor, broke bastard. I can't really afford anything at the moment. And I am still having trouble sleeping and always seem to be feeling majorly depressed... So tonight's near-suicide experience came as no surprise as it was only a matter of time before it happened.

I'm tired of being miserable. And I especially hate how all of this is effecting my boyfriend. I am so blessed that he is so so so so SO tolerant of me, especially when I'm depressed and going through a shit time. But I know it's probably only a matter of time before he gives up. It saddens me to even think that, because I can't even think of a life without him in it. We're just going through a rough patch at the moment, but I hope things change really soon!
I really do!

Fuck, I can't stop crying, I'm such a mess! And it probably doesn't help that about half an hour ago I was sitting in my bathroom with all the pills in my house in my hand with a couple of bottles of water, just crying my eyes out. I can't help but thinking that the world would be better off without me. It would be a happier place eventually if I weren't around making it miserable for everyone.

Living like this isn't healthy, and I don't care about anything else at the moment besides making things better between my boyfriend and I.