"Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever and all of this will make sense when I get better. But I know the difference between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder, Which of us do you love?!"

At the moment I'm listening to "Breathe no more - Evanescence".
Currently sitting in the hair dressers getting my fringe dyed red again! I think this will be a good solution to stop pulling out my hair! I will like the red too much to pull it out.. As odd as that sounds, it worked last time.

My life over this past few weeks has been a constant struggle between losing weight and quitting smoking. I gave up on the whole "I'm gonna quit or cut down smoking thing" and am not focusing on cutting down my portion sizes and trying to lose a bit of weight. Hopefully this will work. Maybe..

Apart from this though, my life has just been dominated by Uni assignments and having little to no money due to having to pay to survive. I seriously don't have one single second to scratch my balls let alone visiting mates. I'm really looking forward to holidays! Freedom!

Only about 4 weeks to go until I'm COMPLETELY free!! Yay!!!

"Hello there, how you doin'? I've got all these thoughts just floating through my brain. They bump and they collide and cause a flurry of confusion, and it's getting on my nerves. I try to hold myself together, fighting off this mental weather when I can (sometimes I do). But this shitstorm's never ending, and the atmospheric pressure's calling for rain. This is what I've got going on. This is where I belong tonight."

At the moment I'm listening to "Where I Belong - Motion City Soundtrack".

Well, I'm a little disappointed equally proud of myself! I ended up giving into my craving and had a smoke today. Just one. That is the disappointment, but the proud-ness is in how I went cold-turkey for 7 whole days! That's REALLY good!

My plans for this next week concerning smoking are a little different than last weeks. This week I am experimenting whether having one smoke a day is more beneficial (in my overall happiness and energy levels) than going cold-turkey. Obviously going cold-turkey is more beneficial for my physical health, but one smoke a day, and then slowly starting to cut down to eventually quitting might have more long-term effects.

Overall this past week, I have noticed the full effects of a severe, and dangerous, addiction. I have had very limited sleep, continuous dreams about smoking, over-eating and an increased eating rate, substituting food for smokes (which in turn is making me put on a bit of weight), feeling dizzy, fainting (I actually fainted in the middle of my lecture... it was really awkward.....), extreme mood swings, decrease in concentration levels, decrease in energy levels (probably also caused by the lack of sleep), and absolutely no motivation to do anything active and healthy.

These effects have definitely not helped me this week, especially with all the assignments I have to do. This is why I'm choosing to slowly cut-down instead of "quit" altogether at the moment. And, every time you go cold-turkey, you last a little longer each time. I'm looking forward going longer than 7 days next time. I'm definitely getting closer to a positive outcome and setting myself up for a better and brighter future. :)

Hope you're well. :D

"I am running in this race and I am pressing onwards towards the finish line. You have promised me a better life, far beyond this world, far beyond this place and time."

At the moment I'm listening to "Finish Last - Stellar Kart".
I've noticed as of recent that my blog posts have started to become less frequent. I'd love to keep up with my posts, and maybe post at least every 2 or 3 days... but recently, and this week especially, I have been extremely busy. I have had SOOOOO much homework! It was actually a little too much where I thought I just would NOT get everything done in time. Luckily, of my lecturers told everybody that they could have an extra week on one of the major assignments! That lifts so much stress off my mind!

Apart from my stress-filled-homework-life, my actual life has been quite up and down. I'm a lot better from how I was last post... despite that fact the my mum and I are fighting. I can't even remember what we're fighting about anymore, but there has just been silence in the room for the past 5 hours... it's really awkward.. Oh well, it'll probably be sorted in the morning.

I do have some good (and bad-ish) news though...
The good news is, I have quite smoking! I am trying this little thing (well, I like to call it an 'experiment') where I test myself and see how long I can go without have a puff of a smoke. My previous record of this same 'experiment' resulted in 4 days without a single smoke... So I am going to try and beat that record this time and see how far a head of it I can get to until the time comes when I am so desperate that I really need one. So far, it's 2 days down, 2 days to go, however, I haven't bought a packet of smokes in 6 days, and have cut down pretty dramatically. So let's see how this ends up going.

Okay, the bad(ish) news is:
Since I have decided to quit/cut-down smoking, I have put on a little weight. I'm really saddened when I look at my naked body in the mirror.. it actually really brings me down. I REALLY need to work on my portion sizes and control all the food I consume. It's even gotten to that point were I feel really fucken embarrassed to expose large proportions of my naked body to my boyfriend. It really is something I need to change, and fast. I can't keep living like this.

There's also something about my boyfriend that I just quite don't understand. This may be a bit mean and self-centred of me.. But I feel like my boyfriend may be a little stingy with money, even though I know he has money to spend. Like, I am not exactly rich, but I do struggle with money a lot. So, even for him to offer to pay for dinner once in a while would be good... Just like a normal couple I guess. Or even a coffee.. Like, I offer to buy him coffees when we were dating... But I've never seen him do it. Even if like he owes me $5 (for example) and he only has a $10 note... I HAVE to have $5 change for him... Instead of him saying "don't worry about the change babe". I know I've done the same for him, on numerous occasions.. Oh well. (:

Anyways, I have a massive 18 hour day tomorrow (Uni and work straight after is), so I'm off..

Hope you're well! :)

"Well I know not to lose it, but aren't you in the bullet? I can't wait to say 'enough is enough, cough it up and use it.' I'm keeping composure, my blood's boiling over. We've been through push to shove, now the gloves are off, hit me like you mean it. To justify my loss of self control, I know I probably should just let it go."

At the moment I'm listening to "The Hits Keep Comin' - Neural".

To be brutally honest, the only word that can describe me recently is: Odd. I have been very odd lately... and I don't know why.. What do I mean? Well, I mean that my mood has been ridiculously up and down, ALL week. And the majority of the time, without any cause. Some days I have been feeling great! Feeling like nothing in this world can possibly get me down... and then, all of a sudden, it gets bad. Not as bad as it has been in the past, but still pretty bad. I was even very upset with myself when, all of a sudden, suicidal thoughts started pouring into my head today. Completely random as well. (I changed my thoughts and reassured myself that everything was fine, so don't worry)... but seriously, what the fuck?? Why does things like this all of a sudden just creep up on me and completely change my day..?! Not to mention how it affecting everyone else in my life, especially my boyfriend who just isn't used to the way my brain works yet... but then again, I'm not used to it yet either.

It was actually pretty funny today. Mum asked me a simple question. She asked me if I wanted to start trying to stop taking my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. I don't know what got into  me, but I just flipped out and pretty much directly told her that I was just not ready to get off them!! Which is a bit sad. I don't want to be on these pills forever, but then again, I don't want to let them go. Well, at least not at the moment.

So, apart from this delightful news, I guess I don't really have much else to report. I just really hope that whatever is going on in my brain settles down, and fast! I can't keep living not knowing if tomorrow will be a happy or a sad day. It's really starting to get a little confusing.

"You've taken me to the top, and let me fall back south. You've had me at the top of the pile, and then had me kissing the ground. We've heard and seen it all, no ones talked us out. The problems that have come, haven't yet torn us down."

At the moment I'm listening to "Always Attract - You Me at Six".

Soooo, it's been a while since I've posted. I have been extremely busy over this past week and a half!! SO. BUSY!

I went on holidays with my boyfriend. :) I had such a beautiful time!! We just relaxed, went out for dinner, went to some shops, had a look around, went in the spa, and saw the Penguin Parade!! Penguins are super cute!! Haha, I want one. NOW!! ..

A part from the nice and relaxing holiday, I have been VERY busy cleaning, packing, and moving house. It's definitely not a fun experience for me. This is my 20th move, and I hate it. The house is really beautiful though. But the fact that I'm now living with an asshole of a dad really makes things pretty crap. I really can't wait to move out one day!!

Also, last night I went to the 21st of one of the most beautiful people I know. She is so special to me, and I'm do glad she had a beautiful night. It was also the first party my boyfriend and I attended so far as a couple. Which is pretty cool...
Ohh, and guess what?!? Today is our one month anniversary!! Haha, so that's pretty cute (:

Work has been pretty good as well. I had a shift on Thursday night.. And I actually met the band who was playing at my work (Good Charlotte). Joel and Benji are so nice and down to earth!! Also, SO short. Haha

Ahh okay, I better end this massive post now.. I'm so tired from such a busy week, but it was definitely amazing! Now I get to enjoy my week off uni.. However, I should reaaaalllyyy do some homework... -.-

Haha, hope you're well!! :D

"It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide. I don't have much money, but boy if I did...I'd buy a big house where we both could live. If I was a sculptor, but then again, no. Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show. I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do. My gift is my song and this one's for you. And you can tell everybody this is your song. It may be quite simple but now that it's done...I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words...How wonderful life is, while you're in the world."

At the moment I'm listening to "Your Song - Elton John".

So September is off to a nice start. But fuck, I don't think I've ever had a busier month coming up in my life. This month I don't have any weekends free because of important parties, moving house, major assignments being due, work, and family events. It really sucks how I try quite hard to see all my mates and have some sort if a social life with all these events happening this month! It's frustrating at times, but there isn't really much I can do about it, I guess. What I really do need is a holiday of just pure relaxing and forgetting about things for a while..

Well, aren't I lucky that I'm going on a little holiday with my boyfriend next week?!? Haha YAY!! I'm so excited! We're only going for 2 nights, but those 2 nights will be magic!! Spa, beach, drinks, movies, Snuggles, walks, and wonder. I'm ridiculously excited!!

I'm also pretty excited for Friday night. Going clubbing with a really close mate for his 20th birthday!! I need a good night out (:

Anyways, hope you're well (:

"She paints her fingers with a close precision, he starts to notice empty bottles of gin and takes a moment to assess the sins she’s paid for. A lonely speaker in a conversation, her words were swimming through his ears again. There's nothing wrong with just a taste of what you've paid for."

At the moment I'm listening to "The Ballad of Mona lisa - Panic! At the Disco".

Melbourne has had such sunny weather the past couples of days... It's disgusting!! :) I love my cold weather! Definitely not a summer boy!

And now for some sad news: Last night was my last night of sign language!! I really wanted to learn so much more because I was enjoying it SOOOO so much!! :( :( I loved what I learnt and I promise myself that I will never let it seep out of my memory! I'm going to continue to practice, at least once a week! :)

Apart from that, I'm quite happy! I'm getting my work done as early as possible so I have more time for my friends! I'm still trying to find a balanced lifestyle, but I'm well on my way! :)

My boyfriend and I are quite happy also, I'm on my way to see him now for dinner! Yay!

Keep smiling, everyone! :)